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By The Betches on

It wouldn't be an understatement to claim that Facebook is both the greatest and worst invention to ever hit planet Earth. If you could clock the hours spent on this miserable website you probably could've successfully figured out a cure for cancer, and you barely passed high school biology.

Facebook is a double-edged sword but we really can't deny the potential for mass manipulation that comes with an account. From the pictures with your besties to your fav movies and music, ever since you made your profile, it has become the be-all end-all in how you want the world to see you.

So the question is, what is the betchiest way to use Facebook? Let's break it down.

Stalking: It used to be that being forced look at someone’s developed pictures from their vacation with their boyfriend was among the most boring activities in the world. Then came Picture Trail and the birth of digital photography. And now Facebook. Cut to last Monday at work and for some reason you literally have nothing better to do than look through your third cousin Julie's vaca pics from her Bahamas album. Half way through you catch yourself and think 'why the fuck do I care about this?’

Facebook stalking is dangerous. Choosing the right time and place is crucial. Every betch knows not to do this during class where there's always the potential that the guy behind you could know your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend and would find it strange that you’re carefully stalking each of your mutual friends. Oh, and whoops there he sees his own profile on your computer…'kward.


Also, there are few more awkward moments than when someone you're barely friends with drunkenly reveals some personal information they know about you from clearly stalking your Facebook. I mean as betches, the rest of the world is obviously extremely curious of our whereabouts and outfits at all times, but it's super creepy when you tell me you loved the dress I wore to my uncle’s wedding in Minnesota back in June.

However, it is extremely fun to discover that girl you once thought was normal until you saw her Facebook and find out she's friends with seriously fat people and has daily inspirational quotes for statuses. "No matter how serious life gets, you gotta have that one person you can be completely stupid with." Etc.

Back-stalking: The only thing better than regular stalking. It’s looking at someone's pics backwards to see how fat they've gotten since high school. Or even more fun, back-stalking yourself. There's obviously no better reason to be up until 3 in the morning than being adderalled out and backstalking to June 2007's Spring Break pics.

Statuses: Ugh, what to say about the fucking stupid ass shit that pervades your news feed; the nice girl word vomit that invades your life in the form of Facebook statuses. The occasional location change is okay, like if you'll be in Vegas or the Hamptons for the weekend, or the two times a year you're permitted to post a link or comment that's like, legit funny. Oh and if you do it more than this you can’t sit with us. Not just you, like, any of us.

How Good is Your Facebook Game?: Facebook has made it a million times harder to get over an ex because you now have to be constantly reminded of what he's doing and with whom. But you can also do the same. Should you call someone out for something they've done on Facebook? It shows that you've seen it, which you know they know you have. But do you really want them to know?

Example of someone with no FB game: Eduardo Saverin’s psycho Asian GF.

"Likes": That tiny thumbs up sign says so much yet so little. But call it what it is, this is a betch's subtle form of attention-seeking, like making a positive statement and affirmation of friendship without having to put in the effort of forming a full thought to make a comment.

Would you ever like something someone did on Facebook if you didn't like the person associated with it? Exactly. It's your way of saying, see everyone, I have friends who care about my opinion and we have inside jokes and I'm on the inside, and even though this comment was neither written by me nor addressed to me, I totes get it.

But remember, be sparing with your likes and never like something you have written, unless it’s a total joke. There are few people who can get away with this without looking like a total loser.

Wall Posts: Wall posts say “we are real friends who keep in contact often and have things to talk about and here is one of our inside jokes you won’t understand. I could have just as easily texted you this comment, but I need the world to know how close we are.”

Also, is it really your birthday if it’s not up on Facebook? Think about it.


Pokes: Poking is for fifth grade boys who tease girls they like for having cooties, and the nerdy kids who never leave their dorm except to go to class. Different demographics, similar sexual experience.

Photo Sharing: See #6 muploads and #22 group photog.

It’s undeniably irritating when your friend’s albums are set to only her friends. What the fuck is the point of looking like I’m having fun in these pictures if John can’t even see them. It is okay to ask her to change her settings only if she is your bestie.

There’s also the extreme anxiety that comes from 1) picking profile pics and 2) the decision to tag or untag.

Things to consider when making this decision: a) how hot/skinny do I look? b) Who am I pictured with?

Also, the minimum number of pictures you need to have tagged to ensure you’re not a social leper? Let’s say 200 for guys and like, 700 for girls.

It’s enough stress to make you want to pop a #10 Xanax.

Image and Privacy Settings: There’s always a tension between maintaining exclusivity and showing how cool you are, while making it hard for employers and your grandpa to stalk you. Try to err on the side of privacy.

The coolest people don't or "appear to not" use Facebook very often. It gives them a mystery and the “I don’t give a fuck” attitude that betches strive for.

Hiding your pics or your wall is chill, but hide both? You’re up to something #55 shady.

You also shouldn’t “like” too many pages or join too many groups. Generally avoid the use of Facebook apps and if you do use them, don't tell anyone. There is nothing worse than the receptionist at your Dad’s office friending you and then constantly sending you notifications of how many cows she’s just unlocked on Farmville.




Relationship Statuses: To maintain the classy, gradual Facebook split is one of the hardest parts of breaking up. First you change your profile picture, then you discretely hide your relationship status. It’s only a matter of time before people are asking each other if you broke up. Remember to not be too antagonistic on Facebook, like obviously deleting shit. That’s fucked up.

Chat/messages: The fact that these two are merging as a result of the #68 iPhone switch is totally changing the #32 game forever. No longer do you need someone's pin. You merely need to have met them in a bar once three years ago or sat behind them in French in sixth grade to have an opportunity for them to flirt with you. Although, chat kinda sucks because by nature of how open it is, a lot of annoying people will inevitably chat you because you're popular so they would. 2000 of my closest friends are available to chat? Sry ct.

It’s undeniable that Facebook has changed everything. For instance, it will inevitably ruin high school reunions. Now, when I see you, balding with your two kids and wife who used to be skinny, it will be no surprise as I have already witnessed your relationship blossom from the first profile picture of the two of you together, all the way to your engagement party at The W. I even know about the cool diaper genie you got at your baby shower, despite the fact that I haven’t seen or talked to you since high school.

Remember, who you are on Facebook is who you are in life.

The Head Betches like this.



36 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    Complete truth! Love it

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    You forgot using facebook to pick up on everyone’s weight gain (ew, did you see Ashley? So chubs after her #3 semester abroad) or loss (I like totally think Heather’s gone ano…what a bitch).

    No tagged full body photos for months…but see how big that double chin is getting? Bitch needs to go on a #5 diet.

    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    The best thing about facebook is this spinoff* and knowing that the more your ex looks at your wall, the more often you will appear on his feed. sucker.


    Posted on Reply
  4. The Betches says:

    disappointed you guys now have ads on your site. they’re not even betchy ads. get with it.

    Posted on Reply
  5. The Betches says:

    um. the ads are based on what websites you visit.

    my ads are gucci right now.
    clearly YOU are the one visiting non-betchy sites to get non-betchy ads in return.

    Posted on Reply
  6. The Betches says:

    HAHAH that’s embarrassing. my ads are for hotels in greece (I’m getting ready to #3 study abroad in europe) and nasty gal. way to call yourself out, furr!

    Posted on Reply
  7. The Betches says:

    It’s not stalking if your a Betch – it’s ‘investigating.’ Everyone else stalks.

    Posted on Reply
  8. The Betches says:

    No, not really. Me and the other betches definitely refer to it as stalking. “Hey, you seriously need to backwards stalk this girl–disgusting!!” Obviously we don’t use the word in public or to people other than those who have been chosen to be graced by our presence. I’m not fucking Nancy Drew or Sherlock Holmes.. get a clue, bitch!

    Posted on Reply
  9. The Betches says:

    I see my Facebook statuses as a gift to my facebook friends. You SHOULD be so lucky to know what I’m doing right now.

    Posted on Reply
  10. The Betches says:

    no… just no.
    facebook statuses (excluding location changes and rush-related) are for geeds, its gross. no one “should” be so lucky… and they aren’t.

    Posted on Reply
  11. The Betches says:

    Why are you betches such good fucking mind readers?? Ugh.Love it!

    Posted on Reply
  12. The Betches says:

    The worst is when someone you don’t know friends you, then of course you run into them 5 seconds later… do you say hello or fake text till you avoid eye contact?

    Posted on Reply
  13. The Betches says:

    yooo, the truth. Love.

    Posted on Reply
  14. The Betches says:

    I love everything about this

    Posted on Reply
  15. The Betches says:

    Oh, ouch, ow. So true and yet painful and ironic too.

    Posted on Reply
  16. The Betches says:

    Hahah holy shit you are waayy too fucking old for this site

    Posted on Reply
  17. The Betches says:

    you forgot having at LEAST 7 full pages of birthday messages. Anything less and you mine as well be dead

    Posted on Reply
  18. The Betches says:

    might as well* dumdum

    Posted on Reply
  19. The Betches says:

    gotta envy a girl who spends her time correcting the semantics of a blog comment

    Posted on Reply
  20. amy says:

    wow this is the 2nd or 3rd post you’ve taken from

    Posted on Reply
  21. Seriously? says:

    that site is not accurate in talking about betches and the needs of betches.  The silly quotes are too nice. ew. I bet fat betches write it. stop complaining GDI.

    Posted on Reply
  22. post-grad betch says:

    <strong>YOU’RE</stong> not a betch if you can’t decipher the difference between “you’re” and “your.” Being stupid is like, so not betchy.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    ugh god i hope sorority bitches don’t start infesting this place with phrases like “geeds”... hey southerners.

    anyway this post is perfect.

    Posted on Reply
  24. joey says:

    you guys all sounds hot

    Posted on Reply
  25. Anna Hill says:

    Do you feel that Syria spying on dissidents?

    Posted on Reply
  26. Anonymous says:

    Whats a betch doing in Minnesota? Ever. Ew

    Posted on Reply
  27. Davidsaa says:

    that site is not accurate in talking about betches and the needs of betches. The silly quotes are too nice. ew.Diploma Paper I bet fat betches write it. stop complaining GDI.

    Posted on Reply
  28. nycbetch says:

    Actually hun, she did mention the weight gain. And in case you aren’t aware.. writing like you #10 work here (see what I did there) makes you look like you’re trying WAY too hard, or you’re just way too into this site. Wannabe Betch, shouldn’t you be like, not caring so much?

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    finding yourself lurking facebook on your iPhone… while facebook is up on your laptop in front of you

    Posted on Reply
  30. JK says:

    Can we talk about the wayyyy overused Marilyn Monroe/Sex & the City quotes that desp girls post after they’ve been dumped again?  Seriously, stop. I seriously throw up in my mouth a little bit when someone posts that “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” quote.  Ugh.

    Posted on Reply
  31. Megan white says:

    “Remember, who you are on Facebook is who you are in life.”

    Posted on Reply
  32. Grammar Betch says:

    It wouldn’t be an understatement to claim that the first paragraph of this article is the worst piece of writing ever to hit planet earth.

    Posted on Reply
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