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By The Betches on

As a high school betch, drinking was something you probably did if you were normal. As in, can anyone steal some vod from their parents? OMG, I looooveee hypnotiq. But as a betch in college or post-college, drinking is now something of a routine, like tweezing our eyebrows or sharing meals with the garbage.

How we drink:

Shots. Betches love taking shots. Shots are the fastest and easiest way to get drunk. In order to not be that girl who doesn’t remember leaving the pregame, the best way to take shots is to take by halfsies. However, some betches will say this is a bitch way to drink. We say, you’re probably fat.

What we drink:

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At the pregame: Vodka is one hundo the way to go. Tequila is second. College betches love their Svedka. Like if you don't wake up in the morning with at least one empty handle of Sved somewhere in your apartment you’re probably not a betch. Svedka is cheap enough to buy for parties, comes in a fake classy glass bottle, and tastes better than Smirnoff. No, we’re not getting paid for this promotion, it's just true. As betches out of college we lean towards the actually classy Grey Goose or Belvedere. For those who swear by Goose and say it tastes sooooo much better, you are stupid. It's just colder.

At the bar: Vodka soda, splash of cran or pineapple, paid for by a bro or the bartender who thinks if he gives you enough free drinks you'll stick around later and fuck him. You #8 won't because you're not Miranda Hobbes.

Exceptions: Beer. Betches will drink beer on rare occasions. For example, a guy buys you one, during beer pong (tip: have a guy partner, smile coyly and let him drink all of your cups), and when you want to appear chill.

How we get drunk:

Betches don't get “shitfaced,” “hammered,” or “slammed.” We get blackout. As in, I was soooo blackout on Wednesday I totally don’t remember making out with that freshman. The most important thing about being blackout is to make sure you’re with people who are on the same level as you or slightly more drunk. This way, it seems like you totally have your shit together. If you wake up the next morning every morning with a minor panic attack because you don’t know where your phone is, congrats betch, you blacked out.

So when your parents give you the speech about how you have to stop getting so ridiculously drunk and that they're concerned you're becoming an alcoholic, just tell them not to worry and that everyone's doing it. Remind them that you're only as betchy as the extent to which your Facebook pictures look like a wedding montage of you and vodka, traveling the world together...one shot at a time.

 

58 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    BETCH in your last paragraph you used the wrong form of you’re/your…..

    ~*English Betch*~

    Posted on Reply
    • U A Stupid Betch says:

      English Betch, Clearly, English is not your forte.

      Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    No they didn’t. #demeaning

    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    BETCH in your last comment, you proved yourself to be just another ~*dumb bitch~.

    #wannabe #hater #

    Posted on Reply
  4. The Betches says:

    hahahaha loving the name!

    Posted on Reply
  5. The Betches says:

    fucking idiot . get it right if youre going to correct someone

    Posted on Reply
  6. The Betches says:

    fucking WORD. greygoose is for the uninformed. betches know their liquor. mine is a hendricks gin gimlet k thanksssss.

    Posted on Reply
  7. The Betches says:

    Gin is gross you Persiannn..

    Posted on Reply
  8. The Betches says:

    Holy shit betches, best post in a fucking while. Soo true about the sveddy, also blackout is my routine…. Sorry I’m not fucking sorry. Also: haven’t bought myself a drink this entire semester. And I wish you would have mentioned #wine, which is drinken as the pre-pre game, Aka you having a glass or three while you get ready so you can be tips for the pregame.

    Posted on Reply
    • Um says:

      Your entire comment is filled with desperation. Please stop trying so hard.

      Posted on Reply
  9. The Betches says:

    Your name sounds like sweaty betch in an accent. Gross

    Posted on Reply
  10. The Betches says:

    If sveddy isn’t recognized automatically in your #abbrevs, then sorry, un fucking betchy. You can go shave your back now.

    Posted on Reply
  11. The Betches says:

    let’s not forget wine!

    vodka is for special occasions, such as birthdays or, you know, Tuesdays. But wine is for dinner turned blackout rager!

    Posted on Reply
  12. The Betches says:

    they didn’t— there’s already an entire post devoted to wine.

    Posted on Reply
  13. The Betches says:

    Beer is for bros and lesbians. No betch will actually drink one!

    Posted on Reply
  14. The Betches says:

    i’ll drink beer if a bro buys me one, which he will. still #8won’t fuck him, but at least i seem #down to earth…

    Posted on Reply
  15. The Betches says:

    I’m so glad that this information has been clarified. Don’t like taking shots at a pre-game? Noted. As in, YOU WILL NOT BE FUCKING INVITED TO THE NEXT PRE-GAME. A girl who tries to slip under the betch blackout radar so she can be on pointe for some worthless interview she has tomorrow morning for an unpaid internship at some shitty hedge fund IS NOT A BETCH. It should also be noted that due to the extremely reasonable price of Svedka, one should seriously consider buying two to three handles at a time. There have been many nights in the city where one handle disappears at the pregame- usually, six or seven Vitamin Water XXX (sugar free versh, duh) bottles have been emptied to 1/3 of their contents, and replaced with Svedka because it’s super lo-pro to carry harmless “health drinks” in cabs on the way to wherever it is you are going to get wasted… also, the remainder of these little pre-game/to-go bottles can be stashed in one’s gigantic betch bag underneath pashminas and makeup… to keep your party roll going just in case you can’t find the right pro to buy you a drink ASAP and you don’t want to get stuck accepting a drink from some disgusting newbie Wall Street bottom-feeder who wants to talk about his fucking college lacrosse team’s glory days while he drinks beer (Eww). You’ll need the second handle for later that night when everyone comes back to your place for after party moments wherein you actually HAVE TO drink through that twenty some obligatory minutes when your dealer insists on coming into your home.

    Posted on Reply
    • Wow says:

      Um your also not a betch if you try to comment with your own full length post. I stopped reading because your obviously boring and obviously trying way too hard to fit in. You can’t sit with us.

      Posted on Reply
  16. The Betches says:

    Guaranteed no one read your rant novel awkward…..also that amount of hostility would imply too much caring, which is too much effort. Let’s just all agree were b.o.b.’s – sorry not sorry.

    Posted on Reply
  17. The Betches says:

    ^this.
    keep your BSCBness to a line or two next time…

    Posted on Reply
  18. The Betches says:

    truth. read the first line.. ovz it.

    Posted on Reply
  19. The Betches says:

    i lost my phone last night…….

    Posted on Reply
  20. The Betches says:

    I think “One Shot At A Time” is a song on one of those albums from K-Tel that you can buy from the TV ad but that isn’t sold in stores. “One shot at a time… sweet Jesus….”

    Posted on Reply
  21. The Betches says:

    betches DO NOT drink a splash of cranberry or anything else with sugar for that matter. Vodka on the rocks or with soda water. NEVER tonic. Get it right.

    Posted on Reply
  22. The Betches says:

    correct. vodka soda w 2 limes. dzuh. my apt currently smells like svedka.. #hangoverssuck

    Posted on Reply
  23. The Betches says:

    ” If you wake up the next morning every morning with a minor panic attack because you don’t know where your phone is, congrats betch, you blacked out.”

    literally ALWAYS happens. i seriously laughed out loud reading that because that legit just happened this morning. oh the life of a betch…

    Posted on Reply
  24. haha says:

    haha

    Posted on Reply
  25. bestbetch says:

    vod is so betchy. especially sved. my betch friends and i love wine, too, because we’re classy bitches. and because our classy older men love buying us betches wine. if you buy it yourself, you probz aren’t as betchy as you think you are.

    Posted on Reply
  26. DaintyLove says:

    LOL I’m sorry but was that comment for real?  You are truly pathetic if you use the term “abbrevs” and directly quote mean girls.
    You’re not original sweetheart.

    Posted on Reply
  27. Don't boost ^ says:

    @wine betches Sound like a bigger tool. I DARE YOU.

    Posted on Reply
  28. Anonymous says:

    Maybe learn the difference between someone who says they’re Parisian and someone who says they’re Persian? One’s in France, the other in Iran. Betches travel, obvs you don’t.

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    Maybe learn the difference between someone who says they’re Parisian and someone who says they’re Persian? One’s a city in France, the other is someone who describes themselves as being from Iran. Betches travel, obvs you don’t.

    Posted on Reply
  30. Julianna says:

    i like to get blacked out and call my mom. i apparently called her from a wedding saturday night at 2am telling her much i f-ing hated my boyfriend because he suggested i get breast implants. her exact words, ‘you were being so weird. could you even walk?’

    well, MOM - you would be proud to hear that i’m not sloppy when i’m blacked out. i have heard from bystanders that, in fact, i can walk just fine. so pull yourself together betches and learn how to blackout right. no puking, or falling into walls. i don’t consider my night fun unless i get shitfaced.

    Posted on Reply
  31. jessiej says:

    it’s the most betchy when you hang outside of the pizza place in town and wait for a bro to buy you some pizza. betches love their free pizza.

    Posted on Reply
  32. Aaa says:

    YOU’RE a dumbass. You should know what YOU’RE fuckin talking about before you say something you dumb bitch. I don’t ever comment on these things but I had to correct YOUR dumbass. ~*aND dONT eVER TyPE lIKE tHIs aGaiN~*

    Posted on Reply
  33. LOL says:

    you girls do know that this is just a joke right? lol…

    Posted on Reply
  34. that mother fucker says:

    I love betches ..real ones… I personally am not a BETCH but I love the culture… but if you’re not a real BETCH trust me when I say everyone knows and then you’re just some loser… I love betches and im a firm believer that they deserve to get their drinks paid for because they are entertainment ... so if you never get free drinks/rides/clothes/jewelry then sorry bitch .. you’re not a BETCH ... you’re just a wannabe…

    Posted on Reply
  35. EmmieKisses says:

    Vodka soda splash cran # the best!

    Posted on Reply
  36. Anonymous says:

    you can only quote mean girls once a week, and i guess you chose today…

    Posted on Reply
  37. LittleBetch says:

    Obvi you need to read your betch list a little better.
    Abbrevs and Mean Girls are clearly staples in the betch life style, fucking duh.
    You are either A.) A nice girl, or B.) Full of shit

    Posted on Reply
  38. Big Betch says:

    BETCH their grammar is fine! Way to be sharp though, way to be

    Posted on Reply
  39. britishbetch says:

    Hendrick’s is what’s up. A Hendrick’s G&T is what all the London betches drink. Low calories and fucking delicious.
    x

    Posted on Reply
  40. Ewbyebetchhh says:

    Negative how did she use the wrong form

    Posted on Reply
  41. Anonymous says:

    Betch was totes drunk when she commented. Please betch, get it together.  You’re even making wanna-be betches look bad.

    Posted on Reply
  42. dumbbitches says:

    You girls are fucking stupid. The only reason guys talk to you is cause you’re shitfaced and might fuck them. Oh and the reason only “betches” talk to you is cause everyone else hates you cause you’re dumb sluts. So you’ll most likely respond with “well thats what we want you to think” or ” we dont care” “we only want our friends to like us” and thats just great. Wait ten years when you’re body cant keep up with the alcohol and you’ve gained forty pounds and aged twenty years. Have fun bitches.

    Posted on Reply
  43. Glad to be a betch says:

    Oohhh sounds like someone’s a little irritated. Prob because you’re a fat ugly bitch. We betches obvi have our routines down and know how to have a fab time with our vod yet maintain our hot ass bods. Ever heard of a treadmill?? It’s okay not everyone’s blessed in the looks category!

    Posted on Reply
  44. Anonymous says:

    you are so sad.

    Posted on Reply
  45. agree says:

    I completely agree with you!

    Posted on Reply
  46. DearAbbyBetch says:

    a) sorry i’m not sorry was better used by gay frat boys three years ago. give it up, you’re out of date.

    b) no one cares if you haven’t bought yourself a drink this semester, and when you posted that i bet your semester was, oh a week in or so at that point. good job. seven days solid!

    c) and i think by drinken you meant drank. webster’s dictionary is available for use on the internet at anytime.

    Posted on Reply
  47. sorostitute, we're says:

    y’all need to read the page and stop bitching and drink, we’re all betches here

    Posted on Reply
  48. Madaliena says:

    You’re* an idiot.

    Posted on Reply
  49. Momma Betch says:

    Sorry to spoil the fun, but as a Mom and adolescent counselor and relative of many legit alcoholics, getting blackout drunk is a bad way to go. You little betches have heard the lectures before, so I will refrain from jumping on a soapbox. Just remember that there are times when Mom and Dad are right and you should pay attention. This is one of those times….. I will await your future posting on Betches in Rehab.

    Posted on Reply
  50. jj says:

    Betch who wrote this, if you use the word ‘classy’ then you definitely aren’t. It makes you sound like you live in a trailer park/ the dirty end of long island.

    Posted on Reply
  51. Proper says:

    All you BETCHES are the ish…. let’s party!

    Signed,
    A-HOLES

    Posted on Reply
  52. Margaux says:

    Sorry but belvedere and grey goose actually taste better than absolut and cheap vodka

    Posted on Reply
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