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By The Betches on

Like we discussed in our original post about #31 wine, having an appreciation for vino is key to projecting an all-knowing and betchy image. In recent years fine wine has enjoyed a resurgence in popularity among the middle class, taking its place alongside voting and incest on the list of activities that were once the exclusive of the very rich. While it takes a lifetime to truly understand fine wine, lucky for you, it only takes about three minutes to read this post and pretend to understand it.


wine jesus


Take a pretentious wine tasting class: Unlike all other scholarly pursuits that we wouldn’t even bother with, an understanding of wine is useful in everyday life. Plus, at the end of class you’ll be a) drunk and b) an authority on wine, which you can brag about, even if you weren’t paying attention to shit. In general it’s best to take classes for college students as they will not only be the most fun, but because the university system does the same thing for wine class that it does for the rest of American society: ensures that only people like you get in. Also never go for those lame classes at a wine shop, no matter how swanky the store. If your class involves learning about one particular wine each week—and the shop happens to have fifty cases of that wine for teaching materials—you may actually be learning how to run a small business, or paying to have your throat be the sink into which they toss their leftover inventory.

However, learning about wine without getting drunk is kind of like trying to study for finals while Mean Girls is on TBS: you just can’t do it. And since it’s never okay to drive when you’ve been drinking, as anyone who doesn’t drink will tell you, you’ll need to take wine class with at least one nice girl. You never want to be drunk alone with her though, so you’ll also need to bring another betch. Then you’ll need a third betch so two of you can talk about the other one, and at this point the class is full so the nice girl will have to wait in the car.

Learn the language: Once you’re at your wine class, you’ll need to do what you do for any class: act like you know everything already. As long as you act confident, you can do no wrong. The key to talking about wine is to never use words that relate to ingredients or flavors. Woody, with a hint of diffidence and a tungsten entendre is a great thing to say about a glass of wine. Real grapey is not. Also, 90% of the time, there’s ‘a hint of golden apple’ every time.


wineThe only time we'll ever buy something in extra large


Pretend like you can taste different flavors: When you’re out to dinner and the waiter asks you what bottle you'd like, follow the basic rule—white with fish and red with meat—and go with one of his recommendations. If you’re the appointed taster-betch at any given meal, this is when you're supposed to “enjoy” the flavors and the body. Swirl it around in your glass and take a sip. Curl your eyebrow, tilt your head, and wait for the waiter to speak. Usually he'll start by explaining what it tastes like, the aromas, and what he thinks of it. As he’s explaining this, tune him out.

Know how to reject a bottle: Once you’ve completed your Oscar-worthy tasting act, no matter how much you like it, send it back. If it's the best red you've ever tasted and you're about to have a fucking orgasm under the table, still send it back. The excuse is easy. If the waiter described it as oaky, just say “I was looking for something a little less oaky." Seriously, nothing says class like making another human being throw out one bottle of wine and pour you and your besties a hypothetically better one.

So remember, when pretending to know about wine, it’s best to remain as pretentious as possible. Act blasé about your selection and you’ll find yourself pairing a diet coke with your Big Mac, fat ass.


20 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Molly says:

    What is this? Instructions? Where’s the betchy undertones? Telling us how to be betchy is different than just explaining stuff we already do.

    Posted on Reply
  2. mydaddyownssomevineyards says:

    Just in case some betches take this post with complete seriousness (which coming from a bible-esque source who wouldn’t) lets all be reminded of the cardinal wine tasting rule. If you just so happen to opt for that seafood dish and find yourself being presented with a bottle of white wine…. DO NOT SWIRL IT TASTER BETCH! White wine does not open up, and all true wine experts (the bartender laughing hysterically behind the bar while staring at you - ya he’s laughing at you and your poor attempy at looking classy).
    Please remember me next time you find yourself about to pretentiously swirl your Pinot Grigio and silently thank me for all the embarrassment I just saved you.
    Swirl on (or dont), future betchy wine connoisseur’s.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Meg says:

    I wonder how many class-less “betches” are going to start returning bottles of wine simply because this article told them to….

    Posted on Reply
  4. Rory says:

    for future reference, from an aspiring sommelier (wine expert betch), when they let you taste your wine it is to ensure there isnt something wrong with it. some restaurants will let you send it back if you truly hate it but any higher scale restaurant (read: anywhere worth going) will shove that $300 bottle down your throat if you send it back and its not truly effed up.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    and for Chrissake… please don’t sniff the cork!  Anyone who truly knows anything about wine is secretly laughing at the cork sniffer because you can’t judge the quality of the wine by the way the cork smells.

    Posted on Reply
  6. duh says:

    the waiter doesn’t have you taste the wine to see if you like’s just in case the cork disintegrated in the bottle and spoiled the wine. not about the flavor

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    thank you thank you thank you… saved me a few mins of typing this exact sentiment…I couldn’t not, right….this little blogcan sometimes be hilarious but when they try to get to in depth in topics they’re clearly uneducated on I just cringe. so thank you!

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    AH thank you this goes to the 4 previous comments! thank you, especially to the person who pointed out that if you send the wine back simply to appear sophisticated you truly are pathetic and will look just that…not to mention where are you doing this, the olive garden?  Most places this is unheard of and humiliating.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Obvi says:

    The waiter has you smell the wine to be sure it’s not corked, not that there is cork sediment. So yes, there is a reason to smell the wine. If it was not stored properly, etc. it could be “corked” and will literally taste/smell like a wet, dirty rag. Of course, if it’s a screw cap and you smell it, then you look like a complete jackass.

    Posted on Reply
  10. winey betch says:

    The term “corked” means a bottle of wine that has spoiled - the quickest way to detect a corked bottle without letting its vile, spoilt contents breach your buds is to take a quick waft of the cork. It is a recognized and appreciated gesture amongst fine dining betches and their well dressed men. Fortunately for anti-cork sniffing betches, the gesture is quickly dying out as more and more vineyards bottle their wine with easy-access twist-off caps.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    you dont only swirl to let the wine breathe, you also do so to let the aromas out so it is easier to smell all the aromas, dumbies.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Cougar Town says:

    Epic photo of Jules on the main page for this article. The premise of Cougar Town isn’t actually about cougars, just a hilarious group who are just a bunch of middle aged alcoholics. They’re betchy as fuck

    Posted on Reply
  13. ivybetch says:

    “grapey” actually is a varietal descriptor.. “Woody, with a hint of diffidence and a tungsten entendre” is just retarded and doesn’t make any sense. Did you even take Wines??

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    I honestly wouldn’t have known any of this, so thanks to the head betches for this post. And thanks to all of these comments for correcting them.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    all of you having in-depth discussions and debates on this are literally retarded. clearly this post, along with the entire website, is sarcastic. it’s meant to be a joke. stop taking things so personally, betches.

    Posted on Reply
  16. anon says:

    also note the title- PRETEND to know. meaning they don’t know. So if you know about wine already why are you reading this, betches.

    Posted on Reply
  17. meganelizabeth says:

    Statistically one in ten bottles of wine is corked, however only the best trained somms will be able to accurately call out this high of a percentage of bottles. For the love of God, when the waiter pours you a taste, it’s a customary practice to offer you the opportunity to see if it’s corked although chances are unless you are dining (fucking) Bobby Stucky you aren’t going to be able to tell, they just do it because it’s proper etiquette and if you are a true betch you should probably be aware of proper etiquette.

    AND THE ACTUAL CORK! When you (or your pro if you are at a sexist restaurant) are presented with the cork, you are only suposto feel the side of the cork that was in contact with the wine to feel the texture. If the cork is supple, it’s probably a good bottle, if the cork is brittle, dry or hard, there’s a good chance the bottle is skunked.

    I swear to God, a wine education may be one of the only educations truly valuable for a MRS. Degree because no pro wants to marry a betch if she doesn’t know her way around the wine menu at Burbon Steak….what could be more embarrassing than ordering a glass of Sav Blanc with your $75 Del Monico steak. Get it together.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    Bourbon* nice try though “idiot”

    Posted on Reply
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