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By The Betches on

When a betch is getting ready, there are 2 questions she’ll inevitably ask her besties. “Whats everyone wearing?” and “Flats or Heels?”

The latter is an important question because the answer will define what kind of night it is. Flats for the casual dinner, heels if you’re going out. As a betch gets older, flats become as inappropriate as flip flops.


heelsTell your gym teacher this is the best you could do.


Here’s why:

Heels are intimidating and allow betches to command power. The taller you are, the less shit you take. We’re not talking about that 3 inch shit, it's 4 or higher.


Most obviously, heels make our legs look about 5 pounds lighter and our ass 5 years younger.


If you’re short, wearing flats is never an option.


If you’re tall and not a lanky weirdo, we suggest you wear heels. This is often a predicament because the tall betch doesn't want to go out and risk being taller than every guy there. What if there are no guys with TDS!? When you get caught up thinking this way, it's important to just suck it up put on some fucking heels anyway. Since when do betches give a shit about what anyone looks like besides themselves? Sorry everyone can't look like a model.

Kitten heels give off an extreme nice girl vibe. They're called kitten, not lion heels, for a fucking reason.

Wedges are tricky. They’re good for the daytime or a casual outing, as they allow you to appear like you don’t really care how you look but would never dare to go out in flats. Espadrilles wedges with the wrap around are weird if you can’t pull them off, which most people cannot.

Here's the Thing:


heelsThere's a reason no one here is wearing flats.


You’re on a date and you get too drunk accidentally. Had you sported flats, you would not have tripped over the uneven pavement and faced the embarrassment of having to be picked up by your #14 date. Or like worse, you step on his foot.

On the other hand, after a betch throws down a couple of shots, she can run a fucking marathon in her heels.

Heels are meant to elongate your legs, not shorten them. So if you have a wider set of legs, stay far away from ankle shoes. Like, please. No one wants to talk to a stubby betch.

So betches, like Anna Wintour (and Rosa Parks) we're starting a boycott. Stand up, tall and proud...against heels under 4 inches.


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23 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    This is beauuuutiful! It’s hilarious… Although, I can’t help reading it in my head in a drag queen voice?

    “Flats or heels?” — So true… I asked the same thing last Friday. I should’ve stuck to flats. :/

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    Love this new post, I’m a tall betch and I never knew what to do with heels and being taller than guys. Thanks betch

    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    There is an UGG boot ad at the bottom of this article. unacceptable.

    Posted on Reply
  4. The Betches says:

    4 inches or higher? come on! a true betch knows 5 inches is the minimum unless you want to look stompy and pathetic.

    also, wedges work really well with nights involving lots of alcohol.

    Posted on Reply
  5. The Betches says:

    So true- “As a betch gets older, flats become as inappropriate as flip flops.”

    Also, for all the betches who are taller than 5’8 and are afraid of wearing heels, think again. Not only does it help you weed out the losers when your out with your friends- I mean hello, do you really think some loser without a job or nice a bank roll who’s shorter than you would dare come up and ask you out while you’re wearing your Loubs? Think again.

    By wearing heels, you’ll look like a model and rope in the Pro… or at the very least some guy with TDS who can at least keep up with you for a week or two.

    Posted on Reply
  6. The Betches says:

    I read this fabulous article the other day that gave tips on how to shine at your fashion internship…because duh I was at work at my internship bored…and of course one of the tips was wear heels because you’ll automatically look better than all of the other lame interns who don’t wear heels. Who cares if you’re running all over town, beauty is pain, bitches.

    Posted on Reply
  7. The Betches says:

    I never go out in flats. 4 and a half inch minimum. Wedges are fucking perfect for when you’re completely shitfaced because it’s easier to balance.. I’ve never been known to fall in my Michael kors wedges. Even if you have a perfect bod (which as a betch, you do), you’re still gonna look fat if you’re wearing flats in a group of heels. Love this post and fucking love you betches

    Posted on Reply
  8. The Betches says:

    How do the other Betches feel about the chunky stiletto v skinny spiked heel?

    Loveeeee this site.

    Posted on Reply
  9. The Betches says:

    How do the other Betches feel about the chunky stiletto v skinny spiked heel?

    Loveeeee this site.

    Posted on Reply
  10. The Betches says:

    Chunky stiletto- fabulous if it’s Alexander Wang and for great for daytime. Spiked heal- go out in Sam Edelman and a your hottest LBD

    Posted on Reply
  11. The Betches says:

    This was too funny! You guys have every girl pegged to a tee on the questions they ask as they’re getting ready. It’s crazy to think about how we all care so much about that kinda stuff–yet we always are either the first to ask, or so quick to answer the text or bbm. Regardless of whether you’re in heels or flats at the end of the day we all know it comes down to one thing..can you rock it?

    Posted on Reply
  12. The Betches says:

    okay solid post BUT betches so do NOT ask their besties what everyone is wearing…that is, we do not ask each other what we’re wearing so we can coordinate (obvs I want to know if my bestie is rocking her new Herve Leger or if she’s still trying to make that hideous vintage top work).

    Girls who ask their friends what they are all wearing are insecure and not betches. I mean, that is sooooo 18-year-old fugly freshmen trying to get into fraternities: “are we wearing dresses tonight?..I want to wear a dress but I don’t want to be the only one if you’re all wearing jeans!!” “omg I colored the bottom of my shoes red with sharpie so please tell me you are wearing heels so I can wear them and look like a betch!” sike.

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  13. The Betches says:

    this is so true.
    im not the tallest of people but not the shortest either so heels gives me way more confidence and as you say makes my legs look 5 pounds lighter and my ass at least 10 pounds better too.
    Really good feel good post here

    Posted on Reply
  14. The Betches says:

    So very true, however one small item on the heel topic, from a guys point of view. Please, PLEASE learn to walk in your heels.

    I know this is all about guys, but seriously, no matter how stunning your mile long toned gams looks, if you stagger about or clod along the sidewalk…
    I am sure you understand my point.

    Keep up the great work!

    Posted on Reply
  15. The Betches says:

    I once met girl wearing 5″ heels at a party and told her I loved her shoes. She said “if you like them so much, why don’t you get down on your hands and knees and kiss them?”. I ended up obliging and gave her a foot massage upstairs in a bedroom. She made me take her shopping the following week and I never heard from her again.

    So yeah, heels will make men do things they normally wouldn’t when a betch knows how to rock them.

    Posted on Reply
  16. The Betches says:

    If you wanna wear heels but your feet hurt, buy your highest shoes in a half size bigger than normal so that your feet have room to swell (which in 4+ inch heels, they most definitely will). No excuses now…

    Posted on Reply
  17. SororityBetch says:

    thanks betch. I pretty tall and always stay away from heels but fuck that! I look hot in heels and who wants to date a guy that isn’t taller than me in my heels anyways??

    Posted on Reply
  18. SororityBetch says:

    Thank becth! I’m tall and have always stayed away from heels but fuck that! Who wants to date a guy shorter than them in heels anyways??

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    I just know that I love every pair of my high heels more than I have ever loved any man. FACT.

    Posted on Reply
  20. miowxmeow says:

    soo fucking funny

    Posted on Reply
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  22. Andrea says:

    Dated a short bro (5’ 5”). I’m also 5’ 5”. He told me he loved when I wore my 5” heels and was taller than him. Not surprising that this bro is winning with fab job.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    this is my kind of betch

    Posted on Reply
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