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By The Betches on

 

"This post is giving me anxiety" - The Betches

 

If there's anything celebrity meltdowns and The Bachelor have taught us, it's the huge toll that unease can have on a betch. That's right. We're here to talk about the arch nemesis of boredom: anxiety. Like a relentless dud trying to score an invite to your bestie group dinner, anxiety pervades many aspects of our lives.

Many people might be anxious over being alone for the rest of their lives, losing their jobs, or their long family history of Bell's Palsy. Personally, we're more concerned with the finer details of life because it's the little things that count, right? It's like, how can I be expected to do well in school when Essie has released four new colors this month and I'm supposed to decide on just one for my pedicure?

 

liar liarWe have a similar reaction when trying to pick a color for our pedi

 

So what kind of things does a betch get anxious about? I mean where do we begin.

Having time to get ready: You've spent your whole day doing things of such little importance that you can't even remember what you did, yet you find yourself at the nail place and suddenly you realize. The bitch is taking too long with your cuticles and if she continues working at the pace she drives a car, there's no way you'll have time to take a nap before you go out! The anxiety ensues.

OMG I still have to do my hair...what am I gonna wear...oh fuck I have to call my mom...shit I was planning on deep-conditioning...guess I'm not gonna have time to get a new iPhone case...

Your manicure chips after you just got it done: Do I go back??

Choosing an outfit: Every betch knows the anxiety over not having anything to wear. MY LIFE IS OVER. Why even go out!? I'm inconsolable! The stress of deciding the perfect ratio of exposed skin-to-fabric that you'll sport later can leave you seconds away from a psychotic meltdown on par with Mel Gibson's loving calls to his girlfriend.

Spending time away from your phone: Not having your phone is like wearing a strait jacket. You just don't know what the fuck to do with yourself. Be it lost, in the red battery zone, or simply in the other room, being without it can induce a panic attack worthy of a hospital visit. While losing your phone sucks, at least you know for sure that it's gone. Even worse is when you're at a bar and desperate enough to ask the bartender if he'll watch your phone while it charges. Promise you'll let me know if someone texts me!!? The 5% blues can lead you to crazy places.

Getting too many phone notifications: Just as not having your phone can leave you walking the tight rope of insanity, receiving too many notifications in a short span can send you over the edge. Do you KNOW how hard it is to be this popular??

Being at work or class when it's nice out: While nice girls get stressed about which color polka dot screams that they went to an Ivy League school, betches get anxiety over the mere attendance of class or work. Like, what betch didn't develop full on empathy for Anne Frank while sitting in her internship office last summer, staring out her window just wanting to #27 tan with her nonworking besties?

 

girl interruptedBUT THE UV INDEX IS 10 TODAY!!!

 

TV Shows: Television-induced anxiety can be caused by many things. Whether it's a Chuck and Blair type situation where the timing is just never right, or they put production on hiatus like when they told you The Sopranos wouldn't be on for a year and a half. And tell us your arrhythmia didn't kick in when they told you Revenge wasn't coming back for a whole two weeks right after Mr. Miyagi admitted he's really a woman.

Not getting your period: This one's not that bad, because as stressful as it is to think you might be pregnant, you're put at ease by the possibility that your period is late because you didn't eat that much this week.

While anxiety is a nasty bitch, she keeps us on our toes and teaches us how to handle adult life as a mature, level-headed grownup. While there are several ways to deal with stress, taking deep breaths is for people who are so fat their bodies can support wide lungs. A betch deals with her unease by doing as little work as possible, aka smoking a joint or popping a Xanax. After 2 mg of these bad boys you'll finally be relaxed enough to handle brunch with your mother or a 90 minute plane ride from Florence to Barcelona. You can go fuck yourself, turbulence.

So chill out, relax, and smile betches. Life's not so bad. Sit back, have a drink, and remember that no matter how bad your anxiety is, at least you're handling it better than Jason Russell.

 

 

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29 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    hahahahahaha YES. too funny love it

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    betches. best post ever. “guess i’m not gonna have time to get a new iPhone case…”

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    Omg, I feel like a nut case/BSCB. This is the first post I’ve read where absolutely everythingggg was exact for me to a mother fucking T.
    Combining 2: When you absolutely can’t find anything to wear, have to leave in 30 minutes, and your phone JUST won’t stop blowing up. I die

     

    Posted on Reply
  4. AnxiousBetch says:

    This is HONESTLY the most accurate description of my life. Thanks for reaffirming my belief that anxiety is as betchy as it gets.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    This is reminiscent of older betch posts. Nice work.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Right on says:

    So true.  Not having enough time to take a nap and get ready to go out has actually made me have a panic attack once or twice.  Because obviously I don’t have anxiety about things that actually matter.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    Nice work betches, guess the sun has jump started the old betchyness along with sundresses, bikini season, and not eating. Keep it up!

    Posted on Reply
  8. hangiety betch says:

    so accurate. omg anxiety after blacking out and having people wave at you in classes the next week, what fucking nice thing did I say to that fat virgin in the peasant skirt that she now thinks she can smile and/or ask me the date of the month? why was she even in a bar? thank god for sunglasses.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    MY LIFE IN A NUT SHELL. Literally. I’m a nut. Psycho betch.

    Posted on Reply
  10. afton says:

    seriously happens to me every time i want to go out. so perfect. and the worst is when your phone dies and you freak out and then when you finally get it charged and turned on, you have a million messages and then freak out all over again.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    anne frank lol. the JAB love carries over to the next day

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    Seriously. The only thing I’ve ever had a panic attack about was that ONE time I couldn’t throw up my food properly.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Really? says:

    First world problems

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    OMG this one is totes my life in a nutshell. You hit the nail straight on the head. Life as a betch is just full of anxiety and now everyone can finally understand why

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    Omg the one about not getting your period is literally me every month.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    LMFAO
    My fucking life. That was to amazing!

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    Haha loves. so true. good work betches

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    story of my life… xanax please? it’s okay… it’s a prescription..

    Posted on Reply
  19. True betch says:

    Best post ever written.. This speaks to me

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anxious betch says:

    This post is seriously top 5. congrats.
    Karl Lagerfeld, Queen betch agrees:

    From new Harpers Bazaar: “What I hate most is when you have to look at your watch and get in a hurry to change for dinner, if you have an important dinner. Every dinner is important; you should never be without a dinner, but this I’m a little tired of. I did a lot of it in my life.”

    Posted on Reply
  21. Cray anxious betch says:

    This post and blog summaries the lives of me and fellow betch college babes . Rexy diet!

    Posted on Reply
  22. nyu betch says:

    “if she continues working at the pace she drives a car, there’s no way you’ll have time to take a nap before you go out!” i fucking died. such a quality post.

    Posted on Reply
  23. jacko says:

    I getPick Up Lines hold of myself a mom she said. I really like my children I recommended to do anything I could to secured them. I think any guard would.

     

    Posted on Reply
  24. youhavegottobekiddingme says:

    Lightheartedly mocking things like anxiety for the sake of shits and giggles? I understand that this post is meant to be funny and whatever, but so many people struggle with anxiety disorders and those who know what that is like would find this rather offensive.

    Taking a Xanax isn’t just something you do and move on with life; for those of us who rely on things like benzodiazapines to function and simply exist won’t find this kind of thing funny.

    I don’t expect this to be removed or edited or for anyone to take me seriously, most likely, since the internet is filled with insensitivity.
    Just fucking think about people who might suffer from the shit you make fun of. Please.

    Posted on Reply
  25. Kelley says:

    There was a girl I knew at school who faked anxiety attacks so she could use the nurse’s clean bathroom instead of the grimy ass common ones. The teachers fell for it.

    Posted on Reply
  26. Kelly says:

    This is EXTREMELY stupid. Are you guys fucking house wives? Do you do anything with your lives? I would love to say that the first couple are legit stupid and the others are moderately okay. Either way you should probably stop sniffing nail polish and go back to get a journalism degree.

    Posted on Reply
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