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By The Betches on

There are many instances in a betch's life in which the dreaded long distance relationship decision comes about. Maybe you're headed to college and this was your high school boyfriend. Maybe it's the boyfriend you obtained while #3 abroad or maybe it's your BF from college and he just got a job making bank at a bank across the fucking country.

Whichever way you managed to get yourself into one of these relationships, brace yourself to be fucking irritated ninety percent of the time. You see the main problem with LDRs is that in order for them to work, they take a lot of fucking work. Not to sound repetitive but betches hate doing work, especially in an effort to have sex, something that presents itself to us as easily as jokes about fat people.

going distanceYour friends will also be excited for your boyfriend to visit

Honesty though, what's the point of a relationship without being able to have sex upon demand? It's like not being able to drive the cute little white Porsche convertible that your dad got you because you have a DUI.

Some betches may say that the anticipation of seeing your boyfriend every other weekend makes the sex all that much better. We say, bullshit. Yeah that excitement is great but it’s fucking short-circuited and the last thing you want is your boyfriend anticipating fucking the girl who sits next to him in his accounting class.

Then comes the problem of when you become so deprived of sex that you find yourself wanting every guy you see like a fucking animal in heat just because you cant have them. Betches get what they want; restraining yourself from wanting something is for nice virgins and dieting fat people. But paradoxically, betches don't cheat so it's hard to find a way to maneuver this sexual roadblock. So now all you’re left with is the fantasy of hooking up with the guy in YOUR accounting class. There’s something about the way he speaks about cash flow statements that makes me want to give him head.

What’s even worse about LDRs is having to speak on the phone all the time. You can’t possibly sustain a relationship through text message so both of you make it a point to call each other once a day. How was your day? Good. How was school today? Good. That shit gets boring fast and next thing you know you can’t stand the sound of his voice and the conversation is as scintillating as one with your grandma.

However when you do see each other, the only real options of things to do together are have sex and go out do dinner. And then you wonder why your ass is fifty fucking percent larger.

Then there's jealousy. Sure betches are confident people and should never display weakness, but there's something about LDRs that turn us into fucking psychos. No matter how “stable” you claim your relationship may be, it is inevitable that you will schedule daily facebook stalking sessions of your boyfriend’s friends’ pictures looking for him in the background, no matter how busy you are. You know you've hit an all-time low when some variation of the following goes through your head; OMG is that Eric leaning on the refrigerator there? I totally recognize the back of his head. Who the FUCK is that whore he’s talking to. It can only go downhill from here.

Next thing you know you’re left dating the bro’s facebook and suddenly regret being too cool to post your relationship status. Like we said, these thoughts are crazy.

Even worse are LDRs with a time difference. You clearly win if you’re the one in an earlier time zone but even so, these relationships are shorter lived than ones working in the same hour. Think about the TV and movies. Turtle and Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Mena Suvari and Chris ‘Oz’, Justin Long and Drew Bar. Movies are supposed to glorify everything and those relationships barely fucking worked, how do you suppose ones in real life would turn out?

someecard

The benefits of long distance relationships are slim, but they exist in winning over your #50 guy friends. This is kind of amazing in the sense that you have a free pass to flirt with your guy friends just as you would with your #52 GBFF and they can’t do anything about it. Now you’re that tease elusive girl that none of them can have but all of them want.

Enter the open relationship. Nothing screams security more than being almost positively sure that the guy you're in love with is taking some fugly freshman on dates or to formals. "But we have a rule! No below the belt!" is like telling a guy he's allowed to watch a basketball game but not the final quarter. Good fucking luck.

So betches, entering or sustaining a long distance relationship is highly discouraged unless the long distance part is temporary and you think there's a significant chance that you'll marry this soon to be pro. There are few things more depressing to a betch than spending three years of college in a dramatic LDR with a guy just to discover during senior week that you're 'over it', no matter how good the phone sex was or how pretty he said you look via skype.

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48 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    HAHAHAH – this is seriously so true & serves as a reminder why I’m NOT in one.

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    betches…you are fucking mind-readers. it’s like you have espn or something.

    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    That’s exactly what I was going to say! God I wish I had read this post before wasting half of freshman year in a #LDR with a #SAB

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  4. The Betches says:

    hopefully I’m not included!… hahaha

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  5. The Betches says:

    What the fuck. How are you so good!?

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  6. The Betches says:

    “There’s something about the way he speaks about cash flow statements that makes me want to give him head.” ….. best sentence ever. Literally LOLing. Keep up the good work betches.

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  7. The Betches says:

    all very valid, except there is another perk that can only be appreciated by girls in LDR, besides maybe by single girls. when your boyfriend is at another college you can literally do/go where ever you want without having to worry about if your boyfriend wants to hang out with you that night, or if he wants you to go to his frat instead of another. you can devote all your time at college to hangin with your betches.

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  8. The Betches says:

    yeah or you could be single and do whatever the fuck you want too

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  9. The Betches says:

    “besides maybe by single girls”

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  10. The Betches says:

    Amen betch, but thankfully my LDR is with a Pro who works all the time with mostly men so I don’t have to worry about slutty freshmen on his jock, or the girl sitting next to him in accounting class.

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  11. The Betches says:

    If he’s a pro, he probably has higher standards. Like a model. Which is why you should play smart and get real.

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  12. The Betches says:

    wow just broke up with my boyfriend today so i can do whatever the fuck i want when i’m at college. fucking mind readers.

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  13. The Betches says:

    Holy fucking shit. Verbatim my life. Minus the “getting fat case you go out to dinner” — just cause you go out to dinner doesn’t mean a. You have to eat or b. Keep it down . Fucking duh. Keep on being the fucking tits!! Love you betches !

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  14. The Betches says:

    too fucking good for words. bowing down to the betches for this one.

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  15. The Betches says:

    Hilarious! Did it myself… twice… Australia/ Miami, then Australia/ Paris… does your pretty little head in at times!

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  16. The Betches says:

    Spent my freshman year in an LDR…. Sooo #overit. Single for sophomore year cant fucking wait. betches fucking mind readers

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  17. The Betches says:

    A LDR is more like ‘managing all possible side effects’ rather than enjoying the bliss from the first Valium of the day. Did it for 3 years and after a total of 5.5 years and him moving back to our town, it ended. Thankfully I’ve found someone who absolutely adores me and the ex can continue with his empty space.

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  18. The Betches says:

    “OMG is that Eric leaning on the refrigerator there? I totally recognize the back of his head. Who the FUCK is that whore he’s talking to. It can only go downhill from here.

    Next thing you know you’re left dating the bro’s facebook and suddenly regret being too cool to post your relationship status. Like we said, these thoughts are crazy.”

    This was soooo depressingly true. fuck.

    Posted on Reply
  19. The Betches says:

    Worst post ever…since when do betches care about long distance relationships. if the bro isn’t there to buy you gifts and drive you when you’re drunk…what’s the point

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  20. The Betches says:

    Ummmm…so then how is this the worst post ever? The whole point is that a real betch would be totally ovs LDR, fucking duh.

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  21. The Betches says:

    I LOVED this!!! lol I saw myself so much in this that I should be ashamed haha

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  22. The Betches says:

    What the hell Betch? Why the fuck is there a Chili’s ad on your website? I thought true betches don’t eat, especially not shitty chain restaurant food like Chili’s? Where are your betch values?

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  23. The Betches says:

    Totes agree. What’s next, Old navy and Aquafina? Fucking ew.

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  24. The Betches says:

    you betches are totes great. just saying.

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  25. The Betches says:

    the facebook thing was PERFECT

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  26. The Betches says:

    So now all you’re left with is the fantasy of hooking up with the guy in YOUR accounting class. There’s something about the way he speaks about cash flow statements that makes me want to give him head.

    This post was absolutely hysterical. Haha.

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  27. Jackie D says:

    fuck yeah i did too, fuck those assholes LDRS SUCKKKKKK

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  28. Ashley says:

    Ugh seriously can anything be truer than the posts on this site!? Love you betches.

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  29. psychobetch says:

    this is my life fucking story. thank god i am not the only one who looks at the bf’s friends pictures for him in the background making out with a whore (note to everyone, don’t get his facebook password—its the ultimate downhill spiral)

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  30. Uhh says:

    It’s esp you retard

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  31. Anonymous says:

    if you were a betch you would know what that means. go watch a classic movie maybe you could learn something.

    Posted on Reply
  32. kim says:

    if betches cried, i would have over how true this was.

    Posted on Reply
  33. jay says:

    hahaha what if you are going to the same school next year? probably bad idea..ya

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  34. K says:

    Stayed in a LDR for over a year…WORST.DECISION.EVER>
    It effing sucked. Totes ready to live my life. #I’macollegebetch.

    Posted on Reply
  35. Anonymous says:

    I consider LDRs pretty betchy… here’s a comparison: the typical co-ed who goes out to a party, gets smashed, and hooks up with some bro with a budding beer belly OR a girl who goes out to a party, gets smashed, makes all the guys in the place go after it, then goes home alone and in the morning gets to make fun of said friends who hooked up with bros. All the while being in a relationship with a pro in training? I’ll take the latter.

    just sayin.

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  36. Ashley says:

    This actually describes my life right now

    Posted on Reply
  37. Violetta says:

    My SAB didn’t wanna do a LDR and broke up with me via text message (esp insulting since I am way hotter than him) so that he could go back to his douchey frat and fuck hoes all year. Of course he has more fb security settings than Fort Knox and doesn’t upload anything so it was hard to see what kind of shadiness he was up to. Naturally, I engaged in betch behavior and fb stalked the shit out of his friends albums. Was it a low point picking him out of the background in house party pics? Kind of. But it was a very satisfying high point when I saw one of him with paint on his face drunkenly grinding with a fugly nice girl. DOWN GRADE ASSHOLE. xoxo

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  38. Anom says:

    This has happened to me on more than 100 occasions!

    Posted on Reply
  39. Anonymous says:

    you should be embarrassed.

    Posted on Reply
  40. Anonymous says:

    Next thing you know you’re left dating the bro’s facebook and suddenly regret being too cool to post your relationship status. Like we said, these thoughts are crazy.

    my life.

    Posted on Reply
  41. Betchy says:

    It’s obvious here that it is in fact you that is the retard… Get off this site.

    Posted on Reply
  42. Anonymous says:

    soooo true!!!!

    Posted on Reply
  43. Anonymous says:

    I’m in this exact position. I’ve been dating the same guy 3 hours away when I’m at school for both semesters. Its so much harder then you think it will be. & THE DINNER AND SEX PART = SO TRUE OMG. This is like the bible honestly any girl in a LDR needs to read this. I am NOT planning on having a LDR next year HELL no. And i never cheated even though I wanted to at certain points. Real *betch right here.

    Posted on Reply
  44. Betch says:

    I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW TRUE THIS HOW. HOW DO YOU KNOW EVERYTHING. Teach me your ways oh Betchiest. smile

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  45. dumb betch says:

    I am a time space prisoner love slave. In an LDR since feb 5 with my italian boyfriend i met through my exchange program in september. He was playing guitar on stage and i was the “imperial pussy” dancing below him to his riff.

    I have to wait for august when he will fly across the world to be with me for *ONE MONTH*. After that then we will wait more. :’( He really loves me, totally committed wants me as his bride.

    I never worry he is with another girl. ever. He worries about me though b/c I am a super hot betch ; P He is working on his masters in architecture so he can make a lot of money and buy me pearl earrings, fat dinners and plane tickets.

    I am so deeply horny all the time and get distracted in class at lot, writing dirty romantic letters. In Mth60, the simplification of 4x(6 - 2x) is my boyfriends dick in my mouth. siamo innamorata.

    Posted on Reply
  46. Top Betch says:

    My boyf and I are about to make this decision and I honestly can’t say I disagree with anything in this post. The thing is, he’s going to be a Pro and there’s a significant chance we’ll get married. But, he’s going to a top notch school 8 hours away from mine and I don’t want to be a miserable betch. Any thoughts?

    Posted on Reply
  47. KAyle says:

    The benefit of a LDR is that it is based on communication and not sex. Some people are bitter because theirs didn’t work out so try to take it away from everyone else!

    Posted on Reply
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