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By The Betches on

It goes without saying that betches are really popular. If at any time a betch wants to do something, there’s never a shortage of people who she can call…even if she has to resort to the #48 Dud. But our favorite types of friends are the ones who have the one thing that a betch doesn’t. A penis. They are our fellow partiers, the yin to our yang, our guy friends.

Why do betches love guy friends? Because having guy friends makes us appear chill, like we can actively engage in non-betchy conversation even though we actually have no fucking idea what’s going on. Oh, we’re just going over to Jesse’s to watch the lax game! We always root for Cuse!

 

basketballOMG Yes! Knicks made a home run!

 

Our guy friends are great. They make for perfect guests to complete our #23 pregames, they bring beer to wherever we are, and they're the ones who told you that one fact about sports that you’ve recycled in every conversation with any other guy ever since. Fuck Lebron, what a sellout.

A sellout to which team? No fucking idea.

But really, saying that we have guy friends is kind of like that guy you pretend you didn’t have sex with. It was just the tip! It’s a blurry line. Maybe there’s a small amount of truth to it, but honestly, having guy friends is one of those things we aspire to that just won't ever happen.

Here’s why betches can’t have guy friends:

If you’re a true betch, no guy would actually want to hear any of the shit you talk about, and vice versa. Betches and bros don’t realistically have that much in common. Do bros want to sit around listening to you #1 talk shit and reiterate the benefits of Diet Coke all day? Not really, but let’s face it, that would be your only topic of choice if you had your way. You’re not being yourself in front of your guy friends, and that’s why they’re not really your friends.

If you’re willing to stake your claim that you have a true guy friend, he is undoubtedly a homosexual.

We’re not talking about your acquaintances who you say hey to and make small talk with when you’re out at night. We’re talking about the guys who you'd hang out with in a small group or alone, maybe even when you're sober, to whom you’d bitch about real intimate shit.

If after reading this, you still think you have a guy friend, we present to you the end-all reason why you don't. How do we know for sure? Because no guy will want to be your friend when he can fuck you.

Being a betch means that we have an amazing personality and are extremely good-looking. Therefore, there’s no way that we could possibly encounter a straight male who didn’t inevitably want to have sex with us. It’s that simple, betches. If your boyfriend claims to be friends with this really hot girl who he says is really great, there’s no way he’s not fucking her, or at least really fucking wants to. Guy friends are for lesbians and funny fat girls.

 

harry and sally"When Harry Inevitably Fucked Sally"

 

You may think you have a guy friend and you’re not attracted to him, but that doesn’t matter because he’s inevitably so attracted to you that the friendship is fucked anyway. Classic examples include Monica and Chandler and every other straight and single (or not) television and movie couple to ever exist that claimed to be “friends.” Bull. Shit. There are no exceptions to this rule. We dare you to come up with one, real or fictional.

The illusion of having guy friends is kind of like believing in Santa Claus. You don’t object to the idea of it, and maybe there was a time that you believed it, but you know in your heart that it doesn’t exist. But having this realization about guy friends doesn’t mean that we’re ready to get rid of them anytime soon. Like that time we got a nose job, it might not be real, but it makes us look better. So keep these imaginary guy friends, but be prepared for that inevitable moment when you’ll either have to make him cry or blow your rape whistle. Or even worse, succumb to the pity fuck.

 

 

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37 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    This is actually my favourite site, literally LOL every single time i read, love taking a break from being a betch to read every new post from my bbrry. xo

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    okay. 1) new reader right here! you betches are killing it with these posts – never stop preaching about the benefits of DC! But I have to ask 2) what if you have a guy friend who is definitely hot. like, DEFINITELY. but doesn’t seem to view you as a friend, or worse, as a possible fuck…what if, dare I say, he views you as a SISTER?? Then can’t that count as a guy friend? because last time i checked guys do not want to fuck their sister….but this sister is smokin hot….SO could their mind ever change?! What if a betch does NOT want to be viewed as a sister??

    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    If a guy doesn’t try to sleep with you, you’re in the friend zone and you’re f**ked. Unless he’s a born again Christian, in which you are f**ked anyhow b/c Those guys will hold or our get hammered and sleep with you and then regret it immediately and be all wah-wah’s about it.

    My advice is to only fuck or date guys that absolutely adore you. Then, you keep the power and the VETO vote at all times.

    Posted on Reply
  4. The Betches says:

    I have a guy friend…I mean, basically, pretty much. We’ve been friends for years and I only blacked out and woke up with him 2 or 3 times. And even then, I was in total black out so I’m totally sure nothing happened (since I’m so good at not fucking bros that when I’m black out).

    Posted on Reply
  5. The Betches says:

    I actually love this site… well obviously, who wouldn’t right? I swear you betches always make a post that has to do with what’s going on in my life.. the other day the dub in my betch circle was making me want to punch her or something, and then you guys made an article on it! i love it – and with vegas; i was JUST talking about that with my biff.

    Anyways im not gonna be a debbie downer and keep rambling, but i just wanted to say thanks i guess! You betches RULE

    Posted on Reply
  6. The Betches says:

    I’ve had the same guy friend since I was 3 and I mean like we use to take baths together… He is not just a friend he’s like a brother. We have deep conversations and (yes he’s straight) so I’m sorry but its possible betches but I still LOL’d at this post anyway. Some girls just can’t handle the guy friend or they’re too insecure to be themselves in front of them. All I know is I have the balls to be a “betch” 100% of the time and not just in front of the besties.
    Much love.

    Posted on Reply
  7. The Betches says:

    hes in love with you duh…or you are the fat friend…

    Posted on Reply
  8. The Betches says:

    I have a guy friend who goes to college with me.. my boyfriend hates him but I’m like, I’m a betch, I would never touch him (even though he has achieved ugly hot.) however upon returning for summer, he has been putting the massive moves on me and when I say massive I mean I have legit grounds for sexual assault/ cry at night thinking of the things he tries to do to me in public. I’m sorry, I’m a top notch betch, have a boyfriend who is hotter than you, and the only reason we are still friends is because you buy me drinks. Luv ya, but you will never get this.

    Xoxo Betch

    Posted on Reply
  9. The Betches says:

    ok coming from a bro if a dude claims to be your friend he obviously doesn’t and the only reason he hangs out w u is that one he wants to bang your brains out or two hes liked you forever and your just too dumb to realize it…fuckin dumb bitches.

    Posted on Reply
  10. The Betches says:

    I’ve been preaching this for years. SORRY if every guy who I think is my ‘friend’ tries to make out with me. It’s either because I’m hot or a drunk close talker or both…

    Posted on Reply
  11. The Betches says:

    anyone else find this post demeaning to women? how about this whole blog?

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      It’s called satire, bitch.  (Note the i)

      Posted on Reply
  12. The Betches says:

    Uh, don’t read it? Fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  13. The Betches says:

    dear betch,

    how do i know if i’m a true betch or a funny fat girl? omggg seems like if i’m questioning it means i must be the latter. I JUST HAVE HUGE BOOBS AND RLLY FUNNIE POLITICAL COMMENTARY; A FACE QUITE PRETTY BUT SOME UPPER ARM FAT. his friends def want to bone me but all i ever get from him is the lower-back touch PDA.

    betch, PLEASE expand on the funny fat girl! include pics if possible.

    xxx kbetch

    Posted on Reply
  14. The Betches says:

    “men and women can’t be friends, possibility of sex always gets in the way”
    - greek season 2 (rebecca logan)

    Posted on Reply
  15. The Betches says:

    sooooo true. had a guy who claimed i was his best “girl friend” and would always listen when i talked about my hookups or dates with other bros. but when me and his best bro started hooking up, he totally flipped and confessed to being madly in love with me but didnt want to tell me because “he knew i would never be interested” well duhh, im a hot betch and your bestie is clark kent finee. totally ruined an illusion of friendship i thought was possible between hot betches and cool bros

    Posted on Reply
  16. The Betches says:

    This is my LIFE STORY. Thank you.

    Posted on Reply
  17. The Betches says:

    FACT!!!!!!!! bahhahaa

    Posted on Reply
  18. The Betches says:

    brittany is totally right..or he’s in love with one of your friends and that’s why he keeps inviting you around. it’s just like in the BOOK (not movie) he’s just not that into you, inevitably in that kind of dynamic, somebody wants to sleep with the other person and that’s why they keep hanging around. Unfortunately, in this case, it appears you want to sleep with him. Move on, or at least bring someone hot around to make him jealous and see if that inspires him

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    haley and Lucas on one tree hill!!!

    Posted on Reply
  20. uh no says:

    Shut up. The way you wrote that comment literally made me want to go choke on something. You are an embarrassment

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    truth. but one tree hill is not betchy (except for brooke, before she turns nice)

    Posted on Reply
  22. Betch Master says:

    Coming from a woman, every word is true.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    this is very true. you can only have guy friends if they are either your ex-boyfriend (which can still have feelings), or they are gay. otherwise, they want to sleep with you.

    Posted on Reply
  24. Anonymous says:

    the pity fuck!!!!! been there, wish i NEVER did that.
    betches>bros

    Posted on Reply
  25. Hot ish says:

    If your bf wants you and is hot, it’s totally kosher to fuck. Best friends do nice things for each other, like getting each other off? I don’t know why you betches make a big deal about it. Friends can/should fuck if they are drunk/horny/can keep it to themselves.
    Anyway, great blog, love

    Posted on Reply
  26. NotABetch says:

    Don’t you think this just sounds like girls trying to feel better about themselves? Don’t flatter yourselves, not everyone wants to fuck you.

    Posted on Reply
  27. bug says:

    i fucked my best guy friend of 6 years over christmas break. Sober. best day of his life

    Posted on Reply
  28. Anonymous says:

    im a hot betch with tons of besties and I had a hot straight as an arrow boy bestie since I was 12. He is married with a kid now and were still best friends. We hooked up with each others friends and always hooked each other up but we were like brother and sister and neither of us could look at the other sexually. So you’re wrong. It can happen.

    Posted on Reply
  29. betchhh says:

    I’m dating my “best guy friend” now.. fucking duh, this is so true.

    Posted on Reply
  30. sherrbear says:

    i just came up with a fictional character who has a guy best friend lol haley and lucas from one tree hill!!!

    Posted on Reply
  31. Sexybetch says:

    What do you do if your bf has girl friends? Does that mean hes not allowed to have any girl friends?

    Posted on Reply
  32. correctbetch says:

    This article is all wrong. A true betch is hot enough and personable enough to get a straight guy to listen to everything about her life 24/7. She will have the ability to completely manipulate him and tease the idea of having sex just the right number of times to keep him obsessed with her life and forced to listen to everything about it. I’ve had the same “guy friend” for five years and we’ve never had sex (yes, he is straight.) I guess some people are just better at being betches than the writers.

    Posted on Reply
  33. Your Name says:

    this is why we need to go back to the 1950s, stat

    Posted on Reply
  34. People says:

    Coming from a guy, your guy friends want to have sex with you or have developed feelings for you somewhere along the way and are hoping you will begin to notice them as potential. Either this or you are not hot but are remarkably chill. Impossible to be hot and have guy friends who are purely interested in your “quality personality”

    Posted on Reply
  35. Its private says:

    Ummmmm….One example of a pretty girl with a guy friend:  Haley James and Lucas Scott

    Posted on Reply
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