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By The Betches on

Ever since we were young betches-in-training, people have been telling us to stop chewing gum. No gum in class, no gum at the dinner table, no gum during dentist appointments. Bla fucking bla. Let a girl chew. I mean, we get it. It's the second most obnoxious thing you could possibly be doing while speaking to someone, the first being literally telling someone to go fuck themselves. What people don't understand is that betches need gum like they need their own apartment in NYC immediately after graduation. Really fucking badly.

Betches are always trying to think of new and exciting ways to curb our hunger, like nibbling on ice cubes, taping pics of Victoria Beckham on our refrigerators, or slapping ourselves anytime we think of food. But why go through such masochistic torture when the answer is right in front of you? Um hello!? It's the pack of rubber you have in your bag disguised as a small wallet.

 

orbit funny

 

Some betches popped out of their mom's vaginas chewing Bazooka, while others just don't care for America's favorite meal. If gum isn't your thing, we don't blame you. Not everyone is blessed with teeth durable enough to withstand chewing a fruity car tire.

Much like humans evolved from apes, the betchiest gums have also changed over time. When we were like ten our go-to was Bubblicious and that shit was just fucking delicious...and pink. But the times they are a changing, and apparently placing something the size of your big toe in your mouth is no longer socially acceptable.

Then betches started dieting. I mean, you can imagine our shock when learning that our old fav gum, Bubble Tape, had like, an entire 25 calories a piece, enough to feed a starving teen girl in Greenwich for a week. We needed to find something of nutritious substance to pair with our Diet Cokes. Enter Extra and Dentyne. They were the middle school equivalent to Adderall and you better believe we were popping that shit for all 3 meals.

Today there are only a few types of gum that are acceptable for a betch to chew. If it's not elitist and trendy or if it doesn't have a cool name that has nothing to do with the flavor, like "Cobalt" or "Prism" then we won't fucking touch it. Everyone knows that if you're not an Orbit, Stride, or 5 kind of betch you can't sit with us. Like if you're the dud, at the very least you should always have a stick of one of these handy, or else why do you exist?

 

megan foxHow Megan Fox stays in shape

 

Oh and don't even get us started on the freaks who chew Big Red. That gum is strictly for the big fat freak who likes the taste of a piece of shit on fire. If we wanted to be associated with things that were spicy and made us want to vomit, we'd befriend a ginger.

Finally, let's talk about the practical value of gum. Making your mouth not taste like shit. If you've ever sat next to a guy with halitosis, you know that the only bigger turn off to sitting next to a barf breathing dragon would be dating a guy who was unemployed. A true betch never has this issue herself and will always be sure to have an Altoid or piece of gum handy in case the drugs she's doing have an adverse affect on her breath.

So betches, remember the words of former betch turned blueberry, Violet Beauregarde: Charlie Bucket: [asking about Violet's gum] Why hold onto it? Why not start a new piece? Violet Beauregarde: Because then I wouldn't be a champion. I'd be a loser. Like you.

Don't be a loser nice girl. Chew gum.

 

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38 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    Not to mention it’s the cure for Adderall mouth. Fucking gross (Yet so worth it)
    PS loved the shout out to Greenwich, the Betchiest town on the East Coast.

    Posted on Reply
  2. michele d says:

    this is brilliant. i can’t even tell you how many times my doctors, mom, dentist, etc. have told me to give up my gum habit, which has gotten progressively more addictive in recent years. 5 solstice is my fav. right now, but i can’t wait to see what more expensive, sleeker-looking pack producers come out with next, then it’s onto the next. keep chewing, betches!

    Posted on Reply
  3. Gabby says:

    “If we wanted to associate with things that were spicy and made us want to vomit, we’d befriend a ginger.”
    Haha! big red bitchesss bye. You betches are great.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    Approve of the Greenwich reference too, and I’m going to make a not so bold claim that it extends beyond the east coast and is the betchiest town in the nation. (Side note - I’m actually really annoyed that that red squiggly line is under the word ‘betchiest’.....like excuse me Mr. Dictionary Maker make it a word already what’s wrong with you). Anyways, I’m more of a fan of mints like Altoids and shit. First, you don’t look like a coked out cow smacking your lips. Second, you can use the box to house an eighth; and if someone asks to open it/have one you can just get away with saying you like, don’t share your diet foods.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    “If we wanted to associate with things that were spicy and made us want to vomit, we’d befriend a ginger.” I DIED.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Super Annoyed Betch says:

    Is anyone else getting this “Sw><ve” looking bar? It always blocks a line of the articles and pisses me off. Go away dumb little bar! I don’t know what you are and I don’t care!!!

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    Glad to finally see a good post again. I was getting a little worried that you had lost it

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    AGREE!

    Also loving the Violet reference. Toooo good.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    fucking awesome and so true, best post i’ve seen in a while.

    “Everyone knows that if you’re not an Orbit, Stride, or 5 kind of betch you can’t sit with us.”

    ^Mean Girls reference, always a win.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    Loved the Greenwich reference. Think we can get a Fairfield County betchography post next?

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    im amazed at how well you know my life. bubbilicious was the shit until i realized i looked like a cow while chewing it (it went from obnoxious to gross at age 10). and you literally listed the only 3 gums i chew (orbit stride and 5).

    and speaking of Violet Beauregarde, her and veruca salt are SUCH betches. love them

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    yes greenwich represent.

    Posted on Reply
  13. lily says:

    TTH <3

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    betches aren’t stupid. so let’s not go around saying humans evolved from apes. correction: apes & humans have a common ancestor and evolved separately. huuuuuge difference.

    Posted on Reply
  15. minkbetch says:

    i was literally mid chewing a piece of trident while reading this entire post, not on purpose. also you forgot to mention that you can chew gum that whitens your teeth, duhhh +1 for gum

    Posted on Reply
  16. .. says:

    if we’re going to be obnoxious about it, humans are apes

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    love the shout out…super betch town alert

    Posted on Reply
  18. anonymous says:

    im pretty sure chewing that much sugarless gum can give you brain cancer. check out what aspartame does to rats.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    you should do a top 10 betchiest colleges

    Posted on Reply
  20. rhodemeister says:

    GTOOOWWWNNNNN
    yes i second the post about fairfield county. only the finest reside here.

    Posted on Reply
  21. OrbitBetch says:

    First of all, how betchy is the orbit girl? All she does is show off her #fakesmile and #dresslikeaslut. Well done. Gum is the True Ano Diet for the hardcore betches. Sometimes a whole stick is too much so we splitsies with our best betches.

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    Oh my b, cunt….were the words too big for you? <3

    Posted on Reply
  23. anonymous says:

    actually as a dental student, dentist now encourage chewing sugar free gum often to reduce plaque, gingivitis and cavities so keep chewing! It’s the best thing for your oral health! just be sure its sugar free smile

    Posted on Reply
  24. Anonymous says:

    use gum with xylotol, it’s safer for not only your overall health but also your oral health!

    Posted on Reply
  25. Anonymous says:

    what doesn’t supposedly give you cancer?!  stop being such a downer betch

    Posted on Reply
  26. K says:

    you should do a post on advil i carry it in my longchamp every day and it is part of the gum, diet coke trifecta. You can take Advil while drinking, dont need a prescription, and it literally tastes like candy. Cant even count the hungover brunches when we have passed some ibuprof around the table
    xx

    Posted on Reply
  27. anon says:

    really betches? this post was a joke

    Posted on Reply
  28. Anonymous says:

    “If we wanted to be associated with things that were spicy and made us want to vomit, we’d befriend a ginger.”

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    If you are a true betch, then you know there are no short cuts to being a skinny betch too. Actually… this gum chewing shit you’re trying to spoon feed us is actually completely fucking WRONG. When you chew gum (or anything really) you send signals to your brain to start salivating… So it actually makes you much hungrier than you are and crave shit much more. Just because you’re a funny betch doesn’t mean you can be a lying one too… Wait, yes it does because of # ? Making Shit Up. But still, my point remains much more valid. So for the writing… don’t fuck with us… we are betches too so you can’t pull one over on us. And for the reader,s most importantly, if you want to be skinny, when someone asks if you want food: first turn your head to the right, then to the left and repeat as necessary. If you lack that sort of control, stick with vomiting (also scientifically proven to fucking work). Just don’t chew gum because you’ll just get hungrier and find your fat ass washed up on a beach and preserved from the fucking aspartame in all that gum. Fucking spit it out before you become a whale.

    Posted on Reply
  30. judea says:

    I am all about trident layers. Cherry or melon!

    Posted on Reply
  31. Anonymous says:

    Yes, please- I’m sure we’d all like to know.

    Posted on Reply
  32. Anonymous says:

    completely agree with both comments! previous posts have been seriously lacking. This was perf like in the good old days!
    And yes, always fall back on the mean girls reference - a sure crowd pleaser

    Posted on Reply
  33. cherry says:

    Extra and Dentyne = middle school… priceless. vanilla Dentyne was my shit in middle school. then i switched to vanilla lattes. skinny obvioussssly.
    really though, 5? Orbit and Stride are fucking powdery and disgusting, but 5 is just TTH. why the fuck does my gum have to be named “rainfall: a cool refreshing shower of spearmint” or whatever? like if i wanted all those words, i would go to a poetry reading or something.
    trident is everything. i’m not big on layers—too sweet—but the tropical fruit and a couple of the mint ones are good. 2 pieces after every meal, and by meal, i mean tea/latte. i also just recently found gum that whitens your teeth. and i mean in a literal second, not over time. ah-mazing for post-starbucks. $5 at ulta. chic.

    Posted on Reply
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