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By The Betches on

As one of the saddest days of a betch's life approaches, it's important to think ahead and prepare. No, I'm not talking about having a job lined up or figuring out how to do your own fucking taxes/laundry. I'm talking about May's hottest topic: graduation presents. Okay, so it's still April, but plan ahead betches, or get fucked over with some gift certificate to Old Navy from your cheap Great Aunt Mildred.

A betch knows that this is her last chance besides her #4 birthday to solicit presents from everyone who's distantly related to her without having to stay on the treadmill long enough to garner a marriage proposal. There's no better way for your family to show how proud they are that you spent the past four years drinking and attending about 10% of your classes than bringing you expensive shit to celebrate the fact that you crossed "fucking in the library" off your "Things To Do Before I Graduate" List. It goes without saying that betches will take any opportunity to solicit multiple obscene gifts from literally any family member who still has the motor skills to write a check.


carLast year's model? You're one bad gift away from me working the pole.


In the spirit of making a super depressing time in our lives just a little less painful, take the following advice and get on your gift requests now. This is an actual email from a betch to her family, so let it be an inspiration for your own wish list. Remember, the nice girl winds up with a Hallmark card, or even worse, like, a 2009 Hyundai.

Heyyy familia since I am graduating in basically a month I thought it would be a GREAT idea to send you a list of POSSIBLE graduation gifts I would love to have from our family! I can't wait to see you guys so soon and party hardy for my last horrahhh as a college student...I remember being in middle school and thinking how old college people are and how far away the time for me to go to college was, everyone always told me college is the best time of your life but the fastest 4 years, and that is 100% true. I love you guys and cannot believe it is almost here!

THE list: 1. Beats or Bose Noise Cancelling Headphones..the Beats I like in black or white and the Bose just comes in one color. (this can be from outside the immediate family) 2. Marc Jacob Sunglasses, a specific type of aviator I can give more details about them if anyone wants to purchase them. (this can be from outside the immediate family) 3. (from Papa and Nana) I would LOVE a piece of jewelry I would wear forever from them, the Cartier Love Bracelet, the Love Ring, or a Gold Cartier watch (I have a specific one in mind for all of these)! (all depends on their budget, which I don't know) If they'd rather give me a trip or something like that I, of course, have a few places in mind. 4. A trip to Vegas 5. A trip to the South Of France 6. Mom, those earrings I showed you last week I LOVE 7. An Iphone 8. An Ipad 9. A new Ipod 10. Money, of course




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12 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    Obv love the list, but may I suggest adding the essential request – a grad party with invites sent to all fam/rich parents friends. the actual event is an excuse to have your rents purchase a shit ton of alc to steal post-party, gain even more presents from random family acquaintances, and from any people unable to attend, they’ll just mail cash. oh and scratch the iphone suggestion…according to a previous posting you had they are “sooo manly.” love ya Queen Betches xxoo

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  2. The Betches says:

    a true betch would already have those things.

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  3. The Betches says:

    Seriously! iPod, iPhone, and iPad? This is not a true betch request – if you’re requesting an iPod I’m pretty sure a trip to the south of France would be out of the question.

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  4. The Betches says:

    even though betches are obviously fabulous and gorgeous, if we have a chance to improve our beautiful betchiness, graduation time would be the perfect time do so….. “Daddy I know you don’t think i need a boob job but it would just really help my self confidence.” ummmm hello a chance to get free plastic surgery!! I’m def gonna jump on that.

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  5. The Betches says:

    As a true betch, I immediately copy pasted this email and sent it to my family.

    Posted on Reply
  6. The Betches says:

    a true betch would already have an ipad and touch ipod obvi

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  7. The Betches says:

    and would have taken a trip to the south of france while #abroad

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  8. The Betches says:

    and how could you possibly travel #abroad without custom beats or bose noise cancelling headphones

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  9. Sha Nuh says:

    boobs are obv. number 1 college grad gift.
    getting them after high school grad is super trashy. like you’re barely legal to bone, you don’t need boobs you whore. 
    but once you have a bachelors degree, you need boobs.
    how else are you going to be a hot corporate betch? and F your way up the corp ladder and marry a rich exec grin

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  10. Anonymous says:

    i already got all that for christmas like last year (iPad was this year, obv), and the trips were various spring/winter break vacas. guess no ones a true betch like me and my sister these days.

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  11. Sophia says:

    Is a real betch writing this!?
    Lexus nay! Step it up a notch! A Lexus is for Grandparents in Palm Beach!
    Ipod, Ipad, Iphone! Umm we got those the day they were launched. Betches don’t waste time.
    Cartier Bracelet??  that is more for high school grad, now we are rocking three to four of them. It’s all about stacking!

    Change the list:
    Rolex Daytona or presidential perhaps?
    Range Rover
    a fun color Jumbo classic Chanel bag to add to the collection
    A private cruise around the greek isles or south of france this summer for you and your friends!

    Posted on Reply
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