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By The Betches on

If betches had a religion (no, we don't count going to synagogue or church once a year for 30 minutes before sneaking off to Starbucks), then our Gay Best Friends would be the high priests. Thankfully, like all spiritual guides, Gay Best Friends are both total fucking experts in how to behave, and completely emotionally removed from whatever questionable behavior we confess to them. This role used to be filled by our housekeepers until we realized that anyone who walks around the house with a "Papa Gino's Pizzeria" XL t-shirt and self-made jorts is probably not someone we should be looking to for fashion advice, no matter how understanding they are.

BrunoWe can even share our going out shorts with our GBFFs!

Gay best friends are both brutally honest and also weirdly kind of cool/unemotional about whatever you do so you don't feel like they're judging you in a mean way. Kind of like the kid with Asperger's who gave his group a D when the professor asked what you thought your team's project grade should be, they're the referees of the Betch Life, objective bystanders who you can trust because they have no (fore)skin in the game.

The most amazing trait of the gay bestie is that they LOVE drama and always have way more scandalous stories than you, which makes you feel like less of a slut. You suddenly feel better about having sex with three different guys last weekend when your gay bestie informs you he just had a threesome in the Equinox bathroom this morning.

The entertainment value and emotional guidance that the gay bestie brings to a betch's life makes them the only real form of #50 guy friend. You know you can count on your gay bestie to be your sidekick at all times, constantly telling you how hot and fabulous you are, babe. Since they want to turn you into the ideal feminine embodiment of themselves, they always have your back when you feel like #1 talking shit about bitchez, or when you're having an anxiety attack amidst a fashion emergency. Since being surrounded by girls all the time is fucking annoying, a gay BFF provides the perfect dose of testosterone without having to feel self-conscious about anything you're doing. And you get to be their beard for their grandma!

modern family

The gay BFF is the ultimate addition to the bestie group. You get your biggest fan, your psychologist, and a friend who will never look better than you in a mini skirt. Since girls are inevitably all competing with one other, having a gay bestie is like a breath of fresh air. It's like rooting for your immigrant housekeeper to get her green card. You can selflessly support this person because your goals are not the same.

There's no better friend to a betch than someone who has no reason to get in your way, and gay besties are your shelter from all the bullshit in this world. So if you're looking for someone to tell it like it is, snag yourself the prized companion that is the gay bestie. They provide the perfect amount of male attention while being the only guys who have a reason to not want to fuck us. How else do you think we learned how to give head?


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19 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    This post was almost perfect until the very last line: “How else do you think we learned how to give head?” I don’t believe a true betch gives head. Ever. That is a strictly selfless (and thereby desperate) attempt to gain approval from a bro – and betches don’t need that.

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    You’ve obviously never given good head.

    BJs are the best and easiest way to control a man. The best part of the BJ is that it appears selfless when it is really an effective manipulative tactic. A man will do anything for a good ol’ BJ

    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    Oh my god, you commenters take this site way too seriously. This is so stereotypically how girls think of gay guys that it is clearly a parody. What also makes it parody is the fact that it’s on a parody website.

    Posted on Reply
  4. The Betches says:

    All though we gays are the idolization of what a true women should be. We do strive to make the female BFF a pretty more presentable Betch because in fact she is a reflection of us and as such anything she fucks up on is reflected back on us. I admit we may be a fashion statement for these such Betch’s but the door swings both ways hunny! we want women as a soul friend that we wont blow in a hot second and can still be comfortable being the flaming admiration of Ru PAUL (“GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!”) so we pick and choose or Betchs carefully and we want them as pretty as we are

    Posted on Reply
  5. The Betches says:

    Hot gay betches>hot female betches. Remember the hierarchy gurls and don’t treat us like possessions or pets because we DO NOT need your asses. <3 and respect-

    A hot gay betch.

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      100 fucking %. y e s

      Posted on Reply
  6. The Betches says:

    I love my GBFF. he tells me when my life is a mess and listens to me when i’m hurt. Obvi I don’t treat him like a handbag or accessories. I do the same for him.

    Posted on Reply
  7. The Betches says:

    This site is fucking hilarious.

    Posted on Reply
  8. GrassIsGreener says:

    I’m a GBFF and my girl friend is my sexless soulmate…and she’s just as much my accessory as I am hers. Good times.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Get Real says:

    Yeah, that’ll make men like you…bringning pole smokers to a party

    Posted on Reply
  10. Katie says:

    I deff don’t think you understand the site.. this isn’t a parody betch, it’s a bible

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    maybs the manipulative part is true but you just used the phrase “good ol’ BJ” so you probz dont give great head yourself..

    Posted on Reply
  12. Isaac says:

    As a gay BFF, I need to say that this is totes true. I make all of my betch friends feel better about the ridic amount of guys they have sex with by telling them about the three or more guys I slept with the night before.

    Good job betches, you make us gay BFFs seem even more awesome than we already know we are. smile


    Posted on Reply
  13. brovechkin says:

    whata buncha homos

    Posted on Reply
  14. JC says:

    Are totally acceptable forms of male manipulation.  He came, who cares, his brain is now shot and he’ll do whatever you tell him to do to make it happen again.  They aren’t complicated creatures and intermittent reinforcement is the best type.

    Posted on Reply
  15. BestieBetch says:

    Really, “BJ”? I agree, this is a BIBLE. Maybe you need a gay bestie to set your ass back into line. If you can’t take this lifestyle seriously then GTFO.

    Posted on Reply
  16. idislikeyourkind says:

    Don’t come one here and say derogatory things like that. GBFFs and their betches at least understand and embrace who they are. Maybe you should so some soul-searching and figure out some things about yourself. Maybe then you can make the choice to either say something nice or not say anything at all.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Fabulousgayer says:

    My betches work for me! I chose the fabulous, rich and skinny ones to take out. They get the bros to spend the money to get us both wasted also they can lead the hot wasted closeted bros on and back to my place where they will settle for my mouth because hot betch has passed out and he still needs to bust a nut.

    Posted on Reply
  18. avehansen says:

    im in love with every gay person that commented on this post

    Posted on Reply
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