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By The Betches on

As we've reiterated countless times, when it comes to food, a betch prefers to pretend it doesn't exist. Watching a few episodes of Half Ton Mom or hell, even the Real Housewives of New Jersey usually does the trick in order to tune out our stomach whenever our bodies are screaming at us that they want nourishment. However, betches want to live and therefore it's necessary to consume something, sometimes. When this happens, the answer is clear. Frozen yogurt is the way to go.

huncalfroyo

Little did the inventors of miracle whip know that with their creation they'd provide the only source of calories for betches all over the globe. Okay, so maybe there was this one time when you were #3 abroad in Florence that you ate gelato on a class trip, but this was just to assure your classmates that you weren't anorexic.

We're in America now betches, no fucking excuses. Betches might as well donate their teeth to charity since the only food they eat comes in partially liquid form. Our hunter and gatherer ancestors clearly have never been to fucking Tasty D-Lite.

As with everything betches do, the rest of the world just can't help but latch on to our trendy and awesome ways. While the 1920s experienced World War I and the 1940s went through World War 2, us betches of the 21st century get the pleasure of enduring the Fro-Yo Wars. There are so many fro-yo options for the modern betch that we don't even know where to begin. 16 Handles or 40 Carrots? Pinkberry? My Berry? I don't give a shit berry.

Even the smart betches are fucking confused because they all sell the same exact shit with a different name and interior design.

babycryingWhat fucking fat bitch put cookie dough on my froyo!?!?

Betches love frozen yogurt because it gives us the taste of ice cream any flavor to something that's touching our palate. Between salads with no dressing, diet coke, and ex-lax it's hard to find something with actual taste to put in our mouths that isn't jam packed with cellulite-filled calories and fat.

Froyo is the best of all worlds because it actually tastes good and promises not to make us the fattest girl at rehab. We can even add a sprinkles or strawberry topping if we haven't eaten in like, 3 days. So betches, remember to maintain a well balanced diet. Meat is for men, grains are for fatties, fruits are for vegan hipsters, and vegetables are for dates. You know what they say, a large froyo for breakfast, lunch, and dinner each day keeps the Pros at bay.

 

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34 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    You betches reek of NYU grad stank, probably live in Long Island, and seem like you’re traumatized after your semester abroad in Florence where all the European biddies ate as many carbs as they wanted and were still skinnier than you.

    despite all of this, you betches are sassy and we love you.

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    AMEN. Froyo was God’s gift to all betches in need of a sweet with low cals!

    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    fro yo is the ultimate betch food

    Posted on Reply
  4. The Betches says:

    SO HAPPY TO SEE THIS POST. i’m addicted to fro yo. #kiwi #yogurtland #yapple #whirrledpeace #pinkberry

    Posted on Reply
  5. The Betches says:

    While I do love betcheslovesthis and I understand that you speak sarcasm fluently; this shit is not something to fucking joke about. I love me some diet coke and fro yo but I also know what it’s like to be in an eating disorder center for fourth months, nothing fucking funny about it. Oh and ps, I eat whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want it now and I’m still a skinny fucking betch. Being a betch doesnt mean you have to be fucking stupid. Use your betch powers for good, not this ignorant and honestly not event that funny shit. If you’re going to make a post supporting eating disorders, at least make it fucking funny.

    Posted on Reply
  6. The Betches says:

    i agree too! i had 5 months in patient and still have intensive outpatient twice a week. this stuff isnt a joke. i love this site and all the other posts are usually great but this one honestly makes me ill.

    Posted on Reply
  7. The Betches says:

    Yeah thank god someone said something, like I eat whatever the fuck I want when I want and I bet I weigh ten pounds less than you. Sucks you got shitty fucking genes.

    Posted on Reply
  8. The Betches says:

    A couple of things:

    I love betcheslovethis site. Funniest thing. Ever. Your post regarding ‘this bro I’ve been wanting to hook up with’(along those lines) really helped me. I hooked up with him and WON.

    Bella is right. There is nothing funny about eating disorders. With the amount of young women and young girls reading your posts, you should be aware of the impact you’re having. The betchy thing to do when someone needs help is to help them get some help.(operative word being help) Betches don’t need to be cruel.

    It’s my birthday on Wednesday!

    With love from,

    A betch in London.

    Posted on Reply
  9. The Betches says:

    lines) really helped me. I hooked up with him and WON.

    Bella is right. There is nothing funny about eating disorders. With the amount of young women and young girls reading your posts, you should be aware of the impact you’re having. The betchy thing to do when someone needs help is to help them get some help.(operative word being help) Betches don’t need to be cruel.

    It’s my birthday on Wednesday!

    With love from,

    A betch in London.

    Posted on Reply
  10. The Betches says:

    I’m mad, mad that I didn’t know about this sooner

    Posted on Reply
  11. The Betches says:

    You know I love you betches, you keep me young. However, all the posts about proclaiming to eat nothing except diet coke, froyo, air and the salad sans lettuce and dressing is kind of pathetic. I’m a firm believer that people should just let it be. If you have the fat gene, that sucks for you. Stop trying so hard to be what you aren’t (a naturally skinny betch with elite genes). I’m sorry if you drunkenly eat a slice of thin crust veggie pizza and it goes straight to your ass, but you know, that’s just how the world goes. Real betches are girls who can eat an entire caribou and its mother and not gain a single pound. I hear all these plebeians obsess over all the calories they’ve eaten and I’m sick of it! Be who you are, and if that happens to be a size 4 and above-live your life vicariously through someone who’s a 0. #Diets are for wannabes and sycophants.

    xoxo lylas

    Posted on Reply
  12. The Betches says:

    Fucking check calorie counts: gelato only has 160 cals per scoop. That’s basically the same as fro yo, especially if you’re getting something bigger than the kids size. Also, gelato sorbet, which comes in chocolate, is only 110 calories per scoop. I eat it for diner like, 3 nights of the week post-gym session (duh). Ice cream, however, is the fucking devil; 300 calories per scoop AND it tastes like shit compared to fro yo and gelato. So your florence indulgence wasn’t bad at all.

    Posted on Reply
  13. The Betches says:

    So pathetic. I eat whatever the fuck I want and I have a banging body and am guaranteed to be way hotter than u anorexic idiots.

    Posted on Reply
  14. The Betches says:

    Obvs you are all taking this WAY TO FUCKING SERIOUSLY. That being said, Fro-yo is a good sub for lunch or dinner if you’re not very hungry, and very yummy. In CA we have Menchies which always has also flavors, including Irish Mint= Bailey’s + Mint Nonfat Fro Yo. Yum!

    Posted on Reply
  15. The Betches says:

    I meant WAY TOO and I meant awesome flavors Damn you lazy typing.

    Posted on Reply
  16. The Betches says:

    Hey, first off, all you people talking about eating disorders need to shut the fuck up bc you’re annoying and emotional.

    Second, actually eating ONLY protein BURNS your fat off you. I only ate sashimi, egg whites, and grilled shrimp for like 5 days and lost 8 pounds! So while yes try to be slightly ano, but do the all-protein Dukan diet (like Princess Kate MIddleton) and make all your frenemies jealous of your fat-less bod!

    Your welcome, betches.

    Posted on Reply
  17. The Betches says:

    The quote “all you people talking about eating disorders need to shut the fuck up bc you’re annoying and emotional” made my morning. Seriously, it’s much better to be ana than obi and I think borderline winorexia is ideal.

    And all the girls talking about how much they eat and how they are so hot anyway – great for you (now) but your metabolism will change at some point in life and you will be so used to eating like a heffer that you will balloon. Happens often in the early 20s to girls who never learned.

    However I would never touch froyo – way too many carbs. Like the above poster, I prefer protein to stay thin. Actually my diet revolves around tea, wine, gum, vodka and some occasional salad with meat. But froyo? Nope, too fatty for me…

    Posted on Reply
  18. The Betches says:

    Youre soooooo right. And if you could care less that being malnourished makes you dumb as fuck ( synapses of the brain need fats..lyke wikipedia or something!) then totes go for it!!! This one time I only drank cranberry cocktail for three weeks and I lost 35 pounds. tOtes better than gum and grilled shrimp! but actually…find something better to do with your time, please.

    Posted on Reply
  19. The Betches says:

    PS I’m sure you have a bigger purpose in this life than eating proteins.

    Posted on Reply
  20. The Betches says:

    I know this site is satirical and I read it for a good laugh, but legit all I’ve eaten today is froyo, diet coke and a salad. I guess I’m “betchier” than I thought.

    Posted on Reply
  21. The Betches says:

    Froyo should be its own food group.

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    There’s no such thing as an “NYU Betch”. Fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  23. dzess says:

    boo, you whores.

    Posted on Reply
  24. Ara says:

    so true.

    Posted on Reply
  25. Cattt says:

    If you have to fucking starve yourself to maintain your ‘betch’ body then you should probably fucking quit, like now. You’re either born a betch or you’re not and having to avoid being fathundred pounds by eating air just because mommy put on a freshman 50 in college and passed the fat gene to you is lame shit. Stop trying to make eating disorders seem cool and accept your roll as the DOFF. Or for fucks sake at least don’t brag about how little you ate today.

    Posted on Reply
  26. Anonymous says:

    i’m sorry your daddy didn’t have enough money to send you to nyu.
    go eat your jeally sandwich and get fat, Dud.

    Posted on Reply
  27. Melissa says:

    honestly, real betches can eat whatever the fuck they want and not gain weight.

    Posted on Reply
  28. Anonymous says:

    shut the fuck up, nyu is for fugly hipsters and poor people. don’t even pretend your rich because you go to a public states school and have to hang out with people from brooklyn. just no.

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    it’s ok to put on sprinkles since they’re like no calories, right?

    Posted on Reply
  30. Gonzalo says:

    Great blog! Do you have any helpful hints for aspiring writers?
    I’m planning to start my own blog soon but I’m a little lost on everything. Would you propose starting with a free platform like Wordpress or go for a paid option? There are so many choices out there that I’m totally overwhelmed .. Any ideas? Bless you!
    My web page :: nursery rhymes

    Posted on Reply
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