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By The Betches on

One of the most stressful, exciting, and important part of a betch's transition to college is choosing her freshman roommate. The freshman year living situation presents a rare occasion in which you’ll be living with someone that isn’t necessarily your friend. Since betches are very picky, this poses a challenge and making the wrong decision definitely has its consequences.

First of all, betches just don’t live with randos because we already know everyone worth knowing and every college never fails to fill the year’s quota of freaks. Guess what, these weirdos are all choosing random roomies while all the betches are pairing off. Never go rando. Agree to live with a total stranger and you run the risk of inhabiting a 20x10 space with a nerd, a narc, or worse, a girl who says "The Facebook."


Choosing the roommate is a delicate process. Betches live with their bestie's sister's bestie's younger sister, or their camp bestie's bestie from Hawaii-Alaska '05. There's always a bestie involved. They're the only ones we can trust.

When you’re put in a situation where you’re forced to meet several girls that are going to your school at like a meet-up in the city or a party, you’ll know when you’ve found your roommate. You will have similar interests, find the same things funny, and most importantly, talk shit about the same topics and people. This will inevitably be followed by that moment of: "OMG, should we just like, live together!?"

However, if a betch is set up with someone she’s never met, checking the girl’s Facebook is the absolutely the most important factor in agreeing to live with her. You prefer that your potential roommate is pretty so that you can go out together and that she'll be a good wingman but not so pretty that there's any debate over who the hotter roommate is. Checking her Facebook to make sure she's not a freak, had normal high school friends, and her list of favorite movies doesn't include "An Inconvenient Truth," are among the most essential college prerequisites.

Ugh she’s tagged in like several pictures of the front covers of Broadway show programs. And WTF, why does her entire wardrobe consist solely of Abercrombie clothes?! She’s G2G.

Let’s not forget about awkward situation where someone you’re not really into asks you if you have a roommate. Hopefully by then you already do but if you don’t you will most definitely make some shit up. Yeahhh there's this girl I know she kinda already asked me to live with her. Awk sauce.

Once the decision is made, you'll start planning how you're going to decorate your room. If this interaction is online you'll immediately hit up to get "ideas" for what you want your tiny square to look like. You write on each other's walls. Love my new roomie!

Also, do you have allergies or any physical ailments? We should prob try to get some doctors' notes saying we have permanent shin splints and are allergic to unfiltered air... Handicap room here we come.

Cut to the start of freshman year. 99% of the time your roomie situation winds up one of three ways.


the roommate


Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum: You two are peas in a fucking pod. You're those stupid annoying freshmen who can't help but let the entire fucking campus know that you're roommates. Half your tagged photos are the two of you doing the same pose at different frats with the caption LOVE YOU ROOMIE or BEST ROOMMATES EVAAAA. Thank you for putting our concerns that there might be trouble in the paradise of your freshman dorm at rest. Most of the time tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum tune this down after freshman year even if they remain besties and/or roommates, which they usually do.

Casual roomies: This is most people. You're friends, you get along, you have occasional roommate issues but generally things are chill. Lots of people have no idea who your roommate is. You're friendly enough to ask her to borrow her top but not so tight that you'll ever agree to be sexiled.

Cain and Abel: You hate each other so much that you would consider murdering her along with whomever else facilitated your living together and anyone who ever suggested it would be a good idea. You've more than once considered killing her in her sleep and you've been looking forward to the day you move out of your dorm more than your own fucking wedding day.

So betches, be careful who you choose as your college roommate, because it can either become the gift that just keeps giving or a self induced sign-up to have the most frustrating year of your life. Remember, just like "The Roommate" taught us, go rando and you could wind up with a lesbian BSCB who tries to kill you and like, hates kittens.



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16 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    Also, if you are unfortunate enough to live in a triple, as most UCLA freshmen are, there is no way the three of you will get along equally. One roommate will inevitably do something annoying/crazy/weird that serves as an instant bond for the other two.

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    My current roomie’s freshman year roomie at UCLA decided it was a fantastic idea to leave sticky notes with instructions like “please put all of your shoes away”…..anal retentive bitch..obviously

    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    Another fab way to avoid a totally unfortunate Minka/Leighton situation is to just room with your #83 Sister…Obviously, this only works if you’re a lucky betch and you have a betchin’ twin sister

    Posted on Reply
  4. The Betches says:

    I lived in a triple where one girl was crazy and dropout out in November and the other one moved in her with bf. I had a triple size room to myself where I could throw pregame parties! Sometimes crazy roomies work out in your favor.

    Posted on Reply
  5. The Betches says:

    i have NOTHING good to say about living with other girls. girls should not room with other girls. lol.

    Posted on Reply
    • bexxx says:

      def not. i did one semester on campus then found a boyfriend to live with and peaced the fuck out.. best decision ever, dorms are the least ideal living situation ever. nobody wants to live in what’s essentially public housing

      Posted on Reply
  6. The Betches says:

    Dude yeah, can we address the anal-retentive roomie? who slathers everything with disinfectant (yeah i’m sure the tv screen is rife with germs) and leaves post-its everywhere asking you to please bleach your asshole twice a week? Because some girls are under the impression that this is betchy… it’s not.

    Posted on Reply
  7. The Betches says:

    I got betch slapped by my freshman year roommate because she was pmsing… i live alone now!

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    my roommate did that… most annoying thing ever

    Posted on Reply
  9. laidback betch says:

    this this this… seriously i would love a post like this.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    my friends roommate also did that. put stickies on things saying “don’t touch my shit” betch she wouldn’t touch yo nasty shit anyway

    Posted on Reply
  11. Thankful Betch! says:

    I went rando with my freshamn year roomie (because I went out of state to college) and turned out to be the best choice ever. We are bestie’s to this day. But it is definately a risk! I know so many people that got totally screwed over going rando.

    Posted on Reply
  12. casual roomie betch says:

    I went rando too and it totes worked out in my favor! I got a triple and we are deff the casual roomies, we occasionally gossip and talk shit, but most of the time we lead our own private lives and leave each other out of it.  We don’t tell each other what to do and if i was ever sexiled you know i’d slap that betch!  I love my roomie betches but we wont be living together again.

    Posted on Reply
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  14. careful betch says:

    Best way to weed out unsuitable roomie candidates: check her past halloween pics. You were a “sexy ref” last year? sorry betch, not for me.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Lala says:

    What school did you go to where you could pick your own freshman roommate?!?! I thought it was always randomly assigned.

    Posted on Reply
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