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By The Betches on

As smart betches, we know that happiness in life lies in the journey, and not just the destination. Understanding this makes us value the car we drive, as it's not just getting there that matters, but getting there in style. What betch didn't feel like the shit in high school, cruising around in her white Lexus, wasting gas for no reason while blasting Chain Hang Low with her besties?

But while bros may find comfort and confidence in their ability to maneuver their cars with both speed and accuracy, a true betch can be spotted by how competently she drives like a fucking idiot. The concept of driving like a fucking idiot is based generally on the idea that betches have way more important shit to do while driving than concentrate on minor things like the road in front of them.

driving with cellphoneIt's called bluetooth, betch

Now, we know what you're thinking. Betches are the best at everything! Shouldn't that include operating a motor vehicle as well? Chill, idiot. Driving safely is for those who give a shit about others on the road. True betches know that avoiding traffic tickets is for people who can't afford to pay them.

 

Here's an actual conversation had between the Betches, years after Betch 2 got her license:

Betch 1: Slow the fuck down, don't you see that guy's brake lights are on?

Betch 2: What are brake lights?

Point proven.

It's not that you're trying to endanger the lives of those around you, but who can be concerned with staying in their lane or yielding to pedestrians when your fresh manicure needs admiring and there are important texts to be read. A really great driver can go miles without ever touching the steering wheel, that's what you have knees for. Fucking duh.

You know you're a true betch when at least once in your life you have been yelled at by a random fat guy who you've cut off, in what was probably a Hyundai or Ford Focus, to "pay attention to the road bitch!" Sorry, but when you're this hot the road should be paying attention to you. Only fuglies should have to drive in just one lane.

Driving with friends is fun but when you're alone you have the ability to get lost in your thoughts and really self reflect. Can you think of a better opportunity to contemplate in silence the fairness of Carrie Matheson getting fired from Langley and how you like, really want to lose three pounds?

driving with cellphoneIt's not my fault the bitch behind me took Hit Me Baby literally!

Between tweeting about the new Fro-Yo place on Main Street and tuning your ipod to your fav new Armin mix, betches know that the road is merely a distant second thought when driving.

 

As much as betches love driving like fucking idiots in small convertibles and sports cars, there's much to be said for those who can master driving like a fucking idiot in an SUV. Sure I may be 90 pounds, but my x5 can kill your entire family in 30 seconds. A trendy Range Rover will always scream, 'don't fuck with me, bitch'.

So the next time your dad yells at you for all the speeding tickets he has to pay or your drivers ed instructor fails you because your most capable looking white collarless shirt from Fred Segal is at the cleaners, don't freak out. Tell those betch-haters that if you gave a shit about about the value of your fender bender or parking in just one spot you'd get a chauffeur or like, a conscience.

 

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109 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    It’s not betchy to drive like an asshole or endanger the lives of other people and yourself. Wow. This post was a disappointment.

    Posted on Reply
  2. betchplease says:

    spot on. bravo, betches

    Posted on Reply
  3. Nybetch says:

    This site is normally witty and funny but this just sounds plain dumb, uneducated and pretty much retarded. Learn to drive betch.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Wow says:

    You ARE an idiot to agree with this. Betches don’t care about stupid trivial shit around them, but it doesn’t mean that they’re stupid. Purposely doing things that directly cause thousands of deaths is sick ( remember doing lines is fun and only hurts me)

    Posted on Reply
  5. wtf says:

    You guys are fucking retarded if you think driving horribly and dangerously is “betchy”. Its a life ruiner…it ruins peoples lives. Super betch Princess Di DIED cause of shit like this…idiots.

    Posted on Reply
  6. ummm says:

    you’re all fuckin idiots if you think its okay to promote driving habits like this….

    Posted on Reply
  7. Alessandra says:

    before everyone works up a heart attack about how stupid this is, remember it’s an exaggeration of the truth meant for humor and entertainment. you’re really suppose to be relating it to something minor like putting on lipstick while driving.

    relax. don’t take it so seriously and literally. because THAT would be fucking stupid

    Posted on Reply
  8. uhhh... says:

    hahaha so risking your own so-called “valuable” life is betchy? fashoooooo now i get it, being a betch makes you suicidal.

    Posted on Reply
  9. SB betch says:

    some people still don’t understand the meaning of fucking satire. please crawl back to your mother’s womb, i think you left your humor in her uterus.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    Haha amen girll

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    omg you idiots need to chill. it is not like they are advocating drinking 30 vodka shots and getting in your bmw and speeding off. wtf. and kay, this is a satire. you people seriously have no sense of humour. chill the fuck out.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    totes, smart betch.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Multitask is my middle name says:

    If only everyone were this rational, and knew to to take this kind of humor.  Yes, indeed. ...ditto (not betchy?)

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    Calm down betches. Personally I care about other ppl on the road, and I def don’t drink & drive since like 17, however i sometimes drive like a fucking under circumstances of rushing, needing to look better, looking for shit in my car, being moody.tired. don’t lie to yourselves.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    Idiots need to stop commenting. But excellent post took me 3years to complete drivers ed and I still do my own thing when I drive smile love the head betches

    Posted on Reply
  16. ashleeee says:

    I LO EEE THE BETCHESSS

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    this one was lame. sorry bout ya. real betches can drive and look hot doing it.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    this whole blog is loaded with sarcasm you moron, stop taking it so seriously. get real.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    my little sister and her friends read this site like its their bible, so be careful what you promote…its cute to see them drinking diet coke and ordering sushi but it wont be cute when they wreck my car

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anonymous says:

    Seriously!!! It’s called satire ...get a grip people.  If can’t read this blog and understand that its dripping with sarcasm then you shouldn’t be wasting your time reading it.  Stop being so naive.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    I don’t get it, no one understands that this site is supposed to be making fun of people who this it’s “betchy” to be this way?  it supposed to be ironic.

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    Omfg betches are back in full force. I’m dying from this post

    Posted on Reply
  23. Miranda says:

    While many people reading this will be able to understand that much of it is sarcasm and should not be repeated on the road, some will not. I’m glad that many people posting are competent enough to understand that the writers likely did not intend for young girls to spend more time photographing their new sparkly manicures while driving through a trendy neighborhood and uploading a photo of their fingers over the steering wheel. The fact of the matter is that this blog is likely read by girls all over the world, and a percentage of that group will try to emulate “betchiness” instead of practicing safe driving. In a site that revolves around female insecurities, self-esteem, and competition, a potentially fatal action should never be idolized. Be careful, betches, one day you’ll have children and realize your own conscience and influence.

    Posted on Reply
  24. Anonymous says:

    your most capable looking white collarless shirt from Fred Segal is at the cleaners

    more lines from clueless. they should be everywhere.

    Posted on Reply
  25. realistic bitch says:

    okay, i really think that too many of you have actually converted this blog into your bible. Girls, this genre is called SATIRE. ever heard of it? Meaning this is not an actual guideline as to how to live your life, it’s a humorous exaggeration.  grow a brain and the ability to make your own decisions so that you can understand the humor. kthanks.

    Posted on Reply
  26. Miranda says:

    you’re calling it a satire, but actually embodying betchiness in your promotion of an elite view and refusal to consider there may be others without the same comprehension, even being condescending towards the idea of an “other.” you’re calling it a satire, but desperate to live and promote it at the same time. as it is just a genre, perhaps you should remove yourself from it a bit.

    Posted on Reply
  27. Anonymous says:

    1. We don’t care about other people. 2. Our audience surely shouldn’t include you. 3. And any dumb little girls that take this site verbatim as law of behavior, aren’t betchy and would succumb to peer pressure anyways, & probably in more “dangerous” Forms such as Getting pregnant & STDs & taking pills, etc.
    CHILL OUT & “consider” your comments before wasting all of our time.

    Posted on Reply
  28. LKC says:

    Second notice for 3 outstanding tickets… I don’t remember getting a first notice.

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    “James Bond, in America we drive on the right side of the road”...“I am. You try driving in platforms.”

    Posted on Reply
  30. Anonymous says:

    I mean this is just fucking stupid.

    Posted on Reply
  31. agree says:

    i agree with the comment below. and it’s so not betchy to wear a bluetooth…. ever. dumbass

    Posted on Reply
  32. datbetchcray says:

    real betches know how to drive. it’s not about getting a ticket daddy will pay for…its about getting away faster than a speeding bullet…and racing guys and winning…not looking like a dumb fuck.

    Posted on Reply
  33. betchier says:

    It’s totes betchier to be a good driver.  Like duh.  Being able to out drive your pro makes him know his place.  Betches are the best at everything.  Every betch knows how to fucking drive, and the ones who don’t get a driver. Otherwise you’re just stupid, not betchy.

    I know it’s satire but this post isn’t even true to betches. You’re losing it.

    Posted on Reply
  34. Anonymous says:

    you’re a virgin you who can’t drive

    Posted on Reply
  35. Nikki says:

    HELLO?! Idiots who are going to go drive like this when they WEREN’T doing so before because they think it is cool are REAL IDIOTS, AND NO ONE CAN SAY THEY WEREN’T WARNED? That being said HOLY SHIT BETCHES YOU FUCKING NAILED IT WITH THIS ONE!!!! I’m getting my 4th car in 3 years for christmas!!!! WISH I COULD DRIVE BETTER BUT THANK GOD IT DOESN’T MATTER! HAHAA

    Posted on Reply
  36. omg annoying says:

    everyone needs to calm the eff. half the posts are annoying bitches who are having a fucking baby over this post, and the other half are peeing in their pants trying to justify the legitimacy of it. just calm the fuck down and put your brass knuckles back in your bras. holy fuck, i leave this site for like a month and come back to the fuckery of this comment section. most of you aren’t even betches, so if you’re gonna leave a pile of bullshit for everyone else to read, stop commenting and go back to tumblr and complain about your pathetic lives <3

    Posted on Reply
  37. the gay bestie. says:

    Everyone who commented here cares WAY to much. For the crazy activist bitches…nobody gives a shit about this site and who it influences. I highly doubt kids are gonna drive into oncoming traffic for the sake of being betchy.

    Posted on Reply
  38. TEHEHEHE says:

    The thing is, sometimes you just have to ignore retarded, pathetic idiots that like don’t get it. In times such as that you just need to tell the lesser species that don’t fucking get the way betches live: you either get it or get left behind. Either enjoy the posts and be happy other people are out there like you or be weird and go get your haircut at great clips and drink a regular pepsi or something stupid like that.

    Posted on Reply
  39. Anonymous says:

    Who gives a fuck if some retarded teeny boppers die because they choose to live their life according to the tenets espoused by a satirical blog on the internet?  Do we really want or need them in the gene pool anyway…?  Sound like Darwin Award winners to me.

    Posted on Reply
  40. Anonymous says:

    Or… maybe she’s just being who she actually is?  Why don’t you mind your own business?  People can take care of themselves.  If they can’t figure out how to not be fucking retarded about a blog, they can die and reduce the competition for the rest of us.

    Posted on Reply
  41. betch says:

    You already referenced about the white collarless fred segal shirt in another post.

    Posted on Reply
  42. anon says:

    LOL FOR REAL. YOU’RE DEF NOT A BETCH

    Posted on Reply
  43. kay says:

    omg your comment is disgust

    stfu

    Posted on Reply
  44. Concerned Mom says:

    This post was ridiculous.  We are trying to educate our young adults to be responsible drivers, not idiots in trucks on the road texting and potentially killing others.  My daughter was in a terrible accident and the airbag deployed.  She was badly shaken up by this for a long time and she was not driving distracted, just too close.  This post is a disappointment and insult to all of us responsible drivers.  As a fan of this site, your blog should be taken off immediately.  it is neither funny, entertaining or amusing, but a sad statement of your generations mistaken beliefs that you are invincible.  Llife can change in one instant.  Take the no texting pledge..Oprah did!

    Posted on Reply
  45. Rachel says:

    but its not that funny. it should have at least mentioned how every betch thinks she’s the best fucking driver. but really i am.

    Posted on Reply
  46. Anonymous says:

    Damn, you girls failed me. This is the first post I’ve been disappointed in. Sure, “it’s a joke”...but you know some girls live by this shit and this is just endorsing bad behavior. Reckless, distracted driving ends lives…how betchy would you be behind bars in an orange jumpsuit?

    Posted on Reply
  47. betchy says:

    I feel like the betches read my mind

    Posted on Reply
  48. sarah says:

    if you betches arent getting stoned to read these comments, you are way missing out.

    Posted on Reply
  49. Anonymous says:

    betches don’t care about others. and this shit’s funny so people need to stop getting prepared to blame betches for the inevitable car crashes dumbasses get into.

    Posted on Reply
  50. Anonymous says:

    couldn’t have said it better myself.

    Posted on Reply
  51. Anonymous says:

    seriously. the basic premises are true (we’re hot and we don’t give a fuck) but the rest is clearly a fucking joke. chill the hell out

    Posted on Reply
  52. Anonymous says:

    Why is a mom reading this site? You aren’t supposed to know we recreationally use party drugs & fuck bros either.

    Posted on Reply
  53. Anonymous says:

    agreed, nothing betchy about aggravated manslaughter.
    this post is trash.

    Posted on Reply
  54. Anonymous says:

    Suck it bitch, sorry I’m not sorry you can’t handle the truth. smile

    Posted on Reply
  55. Elizabetch says:

    my knees are my best friends on the road

    Posted on Reply
  56. Anonymous says:

    “Its a life ruiner…it ruins peoples lives. ” you have such a way with words.

    Posted on Reply
  57. RLW says:

    i usually agree with the posts they make and find people who cant take it seriously nonbetchy, but seriously? this is ridiculous.

    Posted on Reply
  58. Anonymous says:

    It’s pretty unbetchy that all of you are actually giving a fuck about this. Appreciate this post as another part of the betch-bible, I mean Christians seem to put up with a lot of God’s bullshit, but you don’t see them whining about it.

    Posted on Reply
  59. THEbetch says:

    omg it’s sarcastic. take a chill pill, it’s just supposed to be funny. if you’re taking this seriously, get over yourself. obviously no one really wants to endanger lives or crash their amazing cars. if you can’t appreciate good sarcasm, then you’re not a real betch and you shouldn’t even have to liberty of appreciating a website like this. take your ford taurus and go away.

    Posted on Reply
  60. Anonymous says:

    LMAO

    Just read through the comments…
    Really, some girls on here need to calm the fuck down and stop taking themselves so seriously.
    I really doubt that this article is going to cause people to get in crashes… if you’re that stupid you deserve to get in a car crash.

    For the girls who post comments like “Omg, this is so unbetchy, like betches know how to drive wtf, like killing people isn’t cool”... honestly, you’re just not smart. Shut up. No one cares.

    Love the post, and no, *surprise surprise*, it is not going to make me drive my car like a fucking idiot and text for 30 minutes while driving.

    Posted on Reply
  61. you guys are so dumb says:

    I’m a shitty driver, and I know this. So I make my pro drive me! Fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  62. Jill says:

    I totally paused!

    I don’t have my license yet, but daddy says I need something to practice on

    Posted on Reply
  63. Anonymous says:

    Oprah also has roughly 17 personal drivers so I don’t think we need to worry about her texting & driving.

    Posted on Reply
  64. Anonymous says:

    Another post idea stolen from broslikethissite….betches…laggin’ behind yet again

    Posted on Reply
  65. Anonymous says:

    from Mean Girls. And you call yourself a betch?

    Posted on Reply
  66. claire danes says:

    sweet homeland shout out and thanks for the laughs in the comments section, quite the following

    Posted on Reply
  67. Anonymous says:

    mean girls reference, fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  68. Anonymous says:

    omg, truth. good to know im not the only stoner betch who laughs for days about the dumb shit people say on here.

    Posted on Reply
  69. Kayy says:

    Princess Di obvi wasn’t driving when she got in a car crash. If you’re going to be quick to criticize, at least get your facts straight.

    Posted on Reply
  70. Anonymous says:

    You forgot to mention driving whilst checking betches love this, as I am currently doing right now

    Posted on Reply
  71. Anonymous says:

    I have been waiting for this post for ever! SO betchy. Love it

    Posted on Reply
  72. ugh says:

    Stop trying to make LMAO work. Is this 4th grade? Or do you live deep in the ghetto?

    Posted on Reply
  73. Anonymous says:

    Wow she never said she was. She was making a point by saying even betches can die when people drive like assholes, not just other people. Fucking, duh.

    Posted on Reply
  74. Anonymous says:

    Agree 100%. If you require brain cells to drive when by now it should be second nature, then you’re not a betch.

    Posted on Reply
  75. Anonymous says:

    hahaha why would your little sister be driving your car? shouldn’t you each have your own…

    Posted on Reply
  76. a betch says:

    Wow… So many betches think that they’re fucking authors. Shut the fuck up. PS “I don’t see a scratch, Dad??? What are you talking about?”

    Posted on Reply
  77. Anonymous says:

    everyone needs to chill the fuuuuck out

    Posted on Reply
  78. Anonymous says:

    I fully support this post - hopefully, cunts like you will drive off a cliff and rid us of this pathetic, retarded website

    Posted on Reply
  79. ChiCity Betch says:

    You sound like you’re overweight.. Or ugly

    Posted on Reply
  80. ChiCity Betch says:

    You all need to chill the fuck out. No one’s saying go ram you’re suv into a school bus. The point is if you don’t constantly drive 10 over the speed limit, or you haven’t talked your way out of 3 or more tickets, you are in no way a betch. Why are all these duds posting retarded comments? It’s annoying…

    Posted on Reply
  81. Anonymous says:

    I understand the satire thing and that it’s supposed to be a joke or whatever but you have to be careful betches, im sure there are a lot of idiots who read these posts and take this shit seriously. especially the young ones who will copy everything you say you do. joke or not, i don’t think this was a wise post.

    Posted on Reply
  82. Anonymous says:

    If you don’t understand the sarcasm behind all of these posts then why are you even reading them? Commenting about how inappropriate/inaccurate/wrong they are is like going to a porn site and commenting about how the videos are degrading women.

    Posted on Reply
  83. torontobetch says:

    all these stupid anons are probably just virgins who can’t drive and don’t understand how to drive like a betch, gtfo.

    Posted on Reply
  84. hahaha says:

    hahaha love the Clueless reference. The key is to drive around like you dont care but never actually hit anything, betches are lucky.

    Posted on Reply
  85. Ashleigh says:

    Absolutely love this.. I get yelled at everyday and get notes:) glad to know other betches do as well!

    Posted on Reply
  86. minkbetch says:

    numerous people have flat out refused to enter a vehicle if they know that i’ll be driving. its not something i do on purpose, it just happens. sorry i can’t go 10 min without checking my fb notifications or texts, while adjusting my ipod, maybe if i wasn’t so popular/good at car djing it wouldn’t be a problem. i must say ive never gotten into accident and ive successfully talked my way out of every time ive gotten pulled over. <3 u betches

    Posted on Reply
  87. Elizabeth says:

    Best post yet. So fucking funny and true about the white Lexus.

    Posted on Reply
  88. m3 says:

    White Lexis? Lexis = Overpriced Toyotas. Get a fucking clue.

    If it’s not German, it’s not worth driving.

    Posted on Reply
  89. boombetch says:

    I agree because i know someone whose dad died by getting hit by someone who was texting and driving, but the whole site is just sarcasm, even though its mostly true (betch)
    p.s i drive like a fucking idiot
    betch

    Posted on Reply
  90. Anonymous says:

    ooo, totally ouch. haha.

    Posted on Reply
  91. A Guy says:

    This entire page, article and comments taken together, is why we don’t call you back after we sleep with you.

    Posted on Reply
    • Save the manuals says:

      That, and a betch should always know how to keep her hands in the right places.

      Posted on Reply
  92. anon. (abbrev) says:

    dear betch,
    while the this site is quite hilarious, this post just makes me nauseous.. and in not a good, not eating/trying to lose weight kind of way. i’m sure there are plenty of young betches who read your posts weekly and do not quite understand the meaning of sattire. Yes, clubbing and betching about our hot moms is comical, but when it comes to operating a vehicle.. not funny. If you want to truely do something with your lives, take this post down for all the dumb betches who will actually believe what you say.

    sincerely,

    not a crazy betch.

    Posted on Reply
  93. DCbetch says:

    What are brake lights?

    Posted on Reply
  94. Anonymous says:

    I laughed my fucking ass off the first time I read this to my best friend, obviously you don’t actually wanna drive this way all the fucking time but we have all been there!!! Good job on this one!

    Posted on Reply
  95. betch says:

    “who can be concerned with staying in their lane or yielding to pedestrians when your fresh manicure needs admiring”

    ^ one of the truest things i’ve read on here, it’s impossible to resist staring at a fresh mani! fuck the road.

    Posted on Reply
  96. addie says:

    That’s too bad… I hope the right people will get the right point out of this. I hit a dog once and I was paying attention to the driving at the time so that’s when I realized how easy we can hurt someone. I stopped driving after that, lost my confidence, I even put my car to a donate a car program so it wouldn’t remind me of that moment.

    Posted on Reply
  97. Anonymous says:

    youre not betchy youre mean and pathetic and this post sucks.

    Posted on Reply
  98. leslie says:

    You dont like this but it hit spot on with me. i look better than you, and drive a cooler car, therefor i own the road. ill move out of that lane when i fucking feel like it. and now that its summer there are too many skanks walking in front of my car. im sick of stopping, i might just run one over to help relieve society of one more welfare recipient

    Posted on Reply
  99. Anonymous says:

    Writer of this post/every other writer of every other post on this site: OMGizzles am I Chelsea Handler yet!?!?!? <3<3<3

    Go back to the kitchen, your aprons are collecting dust.

    Posted on Reply
  100. ELVEZZ says:

    you’re fucking idiots if you take this website seriously.. it’s funny .. go get your zoloft refilled

    Posted on Reply
  101. allie12 says:

    Unfortunately we are all way too familiar with the concept of bad driving, those who have a car see it every day. Some drivers think they are in championship while others find other important things to do while driving. Either way it’s all wrong.

    Posted on Reply
  102. Your Name says:

    at least you upgraded your avicii obsesson to armin. progress…

    Posted on Reply
  103. Hot says:

    This whole site is satire right?

    Posted on Reply
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