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By The Betches on

There are few things betches love more than the process of getting ready to go out. We’ll shower and moisturize, make sure our hair is perfectly straight with just the right wave to it, and apply our makeup flawlessly. Still, nothing plagues a betch more than the ultimate question facing every weekend night.

“Ahhhh what am I going to wear tonight? Ugh, I have like, nooo clothes.”

(Note: The latter sentence will always be uttered no matter how many times a betch has gone shopping in the past week. Inevitably, she will find something to wear and look gorgeous no matter what.)

So why do betches spend so much time thinking about what to wear when they could be doing better things? It's because getting dressed involves walking the hazy but crucial line between looking classy and looking trashy. Exactly how much of my perfect body can I expose to the world without being mistaken for someone Eliot Spitzer would like to take to dinner?

 

girl in toilet paper costumeDoes this toilet paper make me look fat?

 

If you're a Queen Betch, you already know the secret to dressing like a slut. The art of dressing provocatively is kind of like avoiding a speeding ticket while you're driving 95 on an interstate highway. Just as your goal should be to go as fast as possible without being the asshole who winds up with three traffic violations, a true betch knows how to optimize her skin exposure without enduring a barrage of #1 shit talking for being the whoriest bitch in the bar.

Dressing like a slut began as early as middle school. Remember buying your first thong at age 12 to cover the underwear line in your first pair of Hard Tails? That was just the beginning. As time went by, our efforts to dress like a slut (while still appearing classy, of course) got more serious with each year. Soon wedges turned into 6-inch stilettos and we were buying Juicy tops that were two sizes too small so the 'OO stretched all the way across our chest. Classy, real fucking classy.

Nowadays, betches owe it all to Top Shop and Pleasure Doing Business for bringing the bandage skirt to the masses who can't afford Herve. The tight high-waisted skirt did for betches what the porn star mustache did for our dads in the 70s. It got us laid. This skirt single-handedly made dressing like a slut the only way to dress.

Of course, since betches will turn anything into a competition, fashion is no exception. Every night is its own unspoken contest over who can look the hottest in their sluttiest outfit without appearing literally naked. From back when we were merely Betches-in-Training, watching Cher from Clueless rock her endless array of midriff-bearing shirts, we awaited the day when we could sport our own crop tops...aka shirts that appear like they were made to fit our 5th grade selves. While some might say that this is a strange fashion trend, betches know the truth about crop tops: hiding your stomach is for lesbian gym teachers and fat people.

For the sorority betch, themed mixers are the perfect opportunity to show off our creative style boobs. Whereas on an ordinary night it might be inappropriate to cover your nipples in tight caution tape and call that an outfit, an Anything But Clothes mixer pretty much makes this a necessity.

Now betches, it's time for us to make an important distinction. Let's talk about the covert versus the overt slut. Beware that there is a VERY big difference between dressing like a slut and dressing like a SLUT. The idea is to maintain a decent level of dignity while simultaneously making your father rue the day he ever decided to reproduce. While the overt slut's boobs are more out than Perez Hilton and she's just one casual drop of her Blackberry away from a 'bend and snap' that the whole bar will remember, the covert betch knows how to play it cool. She rocks her one-shoulder cutout dress like a pro, with just the right amount of side abs exposed to drive other betches crazy.

 

BeyonceClassy or trashy?

 

Overt = pairing fishnet stockings with a dress you've cut to make the hemline lie half an inch below your ass.

Covert = wearing jeans so tight that you practically have to do a gymnastics routine just to get them on.

Remember betches, dressing like a slut does not mean you can go around #8 fucking bros whenever you want. You have to make them work for that shit. The slutty outfit should be just enough to preview what's there, so this bro can fall in love and become your bitch for a few weeks before you decide to put out. As Beyonce would say, if you’ve got it flaunt it. And if you don’t got it, then you can always just raid your fat friend’s closet for spanx and a bubble dress.

 

 

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20 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    absolutely the best post yet

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    “… betches know the truth about crop tops: hiding your stomach is for lesbian gym teachers and fat people.”
    This has always been my mantra.

    http://www.glamkittenslitterbox.com/
    Twitter: @GlamKitten88

    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    I absolutely think that the “Betch” website is “The Shit”.Betches are our societal weathervane on what is “REALY COOL”.Their writing is a refreshing look at the college woman’s experience and actually encourages all of us to boost our esteem by giving us the enpwerment to let our “INNER BETCH” emerge. Could you girls maybe give us a T,shirt to confirm our worship of the entire “Betch culture?

    Posted on Reply
  4. The Betches says:

    I can’t believe I didn’t think of going as Leeloo from Fifth Element (“toilet paper” chick, above). Totally stealing that, because I do enjoy dressing like a slut now and then. Especially like a nerdy slut.
    (Mrs. A)

    Posted on Reply
  5. The Betches says:

    this site explains my life, inner thoughts, and actions way better than i ever could. thank you god for betcheslovethissite.com

    Posted on Reply
  6. The Betches says:

    hahaha awesome post, but more importantly awesome website. I’ll be back frequently!

    Posted on Reply
  7. The Betches says:

    If you betches don’t pay attention to any news, then how do you know that Eliot Spitzer enjoys prostitutes?

    Posted on Reply
  8. The Betches says:

    ^ seriously who the fuck is eliot spitzer

    Posted on Reply
  9. betchhhh says:

    omygosh my lifeeeee.

    Posted on Reply
  10. nicole uhhh.... I mean anonimous says:

    Everytime I read your words I just weep for joy. My personal slut litmus test was this…. I would trapse down the stairs ( with the shortest of all minis which I intended to hitch up even shorter as soon as I arrived at school)
    If my dad screamed at my mom “she’s NOT WEARING THAT !!!!!!!!” voila! fashion success for the day

    Posted on Reply
  11. Sydney P says:

    These betches take topics that are usually stereotyped as ‘shallow’ and ‘inappropriate’ and make them honest, empowering, and refreshing. Nobody can hate on this because these betches will outsmart you right back. Brilliant betches.

    So I will continue to wear my tight high-waisted pencil skirt with a thong to show off my tight ass and long legs, and I will proudly show off my stomach because I worked too damn hard and went through too much pain to not show off my sexy abs.

    But no worries, I will definitely not be “fucking bros whenever I want” because dressing like a slut does NOT mean you can act like one. Obvi.

    Keep on betchin’

    Posted on Reply
  12. Preentdyecy says:

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    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    step your game up, betches. i’m tired of reading the same posts. whatever happened to posts every or every other day?

    Posted on Reply
  14. Sarah says:

    OMG i love this site sooooo much, my bf’s in one of the top frats and always tells me how when i make him sami’s he’‘d love me to wear sluttier clothing. Right on girls! I think i’m going to go get a train run on me while giving a blumpkin while making a sami, while pretending there’s a logical reason why it’s ok to dress like a whore and at the same time demand respect…yeah betch yeah!

    Posted on Reply
  15. Dr. Decency says:

    Go ahead, dress like a slut all you want, but when it comes to getting married and getting old, you’re going to have a lot of crap behind you that’ll bite you in the ass, which you desperately try to show off thanks to lustful pointless approval that never is worth a hot-damn thing.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Dave says:

    I love sluts, bring it on.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Cotton says:

    Does it ever occur to anyone that maybe-just maybe- girls dress in a way for themselves because they want to be pretty and feel freaking hot, and not because they’re trying to show off for a guy. The attention,when wanted is nice, but I dress for myself.

    Posted on Reply
  18. self respect says:

    Another site that encourages women to dress skimpy and “flaunt it”. Disrespectful and disgusting. Sad to see the world heading this way.

    Posted on Reply
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