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By The Betches on

So like we said yesterday, we're declaring December to be the first official International Betch Month. At first we were just going to make a Betch Holiday, but then we thought about how no betch celebrates her birthday for only one day, so we as a people deserve at least a full lunar cycle devoted to us. Obvi.

Decembetch will be a glorious celebration of blacking out and betchiness. It's like Chrismukkah on crack. We realize that the abbrev for this month is IBM, and much like the site's abbrev, BLT, we suggest you never use it. IBMs are for our grandpas and mailmen. Everyone knows that betches like their computers like they like their men, as (macbook) Pros.

svedka

So why Decembetch? December is by definition a very betchy month. You get a lot of presents, and you don't even have to graduate or get married for them. The holidays usually revolve around families and traditons (vom) but we don't really mind because it involves cool shit like electronics and gift certificates. It also gives us a great outlet for talking shit. Omg Aunt Carrie got me an iTunes gift certificate. What does she think I am, poor?

You're also not in school aka you're free to do nothing for half of the month. What about the finals part, you ask? Only losers actually put effort into studying for finals. It's Christmas season and while betches aren't nice, everyone else is, making them particularly generous with doing our work. Anyway, no one really works in Decembetch because everyone's distracted by how tan they will get on their winter vaca.

Some might say, how can December be the betchiest month? It's too cold!?! We say: If you're cold in December you're probably poor and don't use it to vacation on tropical islands. Plus, it's hard to play favorites with the summer months, and it's not like we were going to pick some rando shit like May, ew. December is the last month, you know what they say about saving the best for last.

someecard

Finally, December culminates in an extremely betchy holiday, New Years Eve. Wow, NYE is like the universal birthday. You get to make a New Years resolution (like: I will eat one less meal this year or I will be nicer to people less fortunately good looking than me) that you will ultimately break. But more on that in the New Years post.

So betches, take December 1st as the start of embracing your betchiness even more than you do year round. If anyone ever tells you that you're particularly narcissistic this month, feel free to scream "IT'S DECEMBETCH, BITCH." And lastly, in honor of Mean Girls and Lisa Vanderpump (and maybe breast cancer if we want to pretend like we have a cause a la Movember), in Decembetch we wear pink.

 

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48 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. yaay says:

    First person to read

    Posted on Reply
  2. haha says:

    youre cool

    Posted on Reply
  3. PowerBetch. says:

    why do you have to wear pink?

    Im a power betch. so neutral and black are my thing. obv the odd punch of colour doesnt hurt.. but I keep with black because it makes my already thin body look even skinnier.

    Hells ya.

    Posted on Reply
    • Dollface says:

      Fucking duh. Never seen mean girls have you, “power betch”.

      Posted on Reply
  4. realbetch says:

    svedka is for poor people.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Ja'mie says:

    So povo

    Posted on Reply
  6. minkbetch says:

    love u betches but this was not your best work, better luck tomorrow

    Posted on Reply
  7. AlexBetch19 says:

    Let’s not forget another betch holiday, Britney Spears bday (Dec. 2) which adds one more reason to why December should be Decembetch.

    <3

    Posted on Reply
  8. AlexBetch19 says:

    A real betch spends her/dad’s money to buy Goose, DUH.

    Posted on Reply
  9. kbetch says:

    pleaseeee do a “betch wish list” that would be amazing. also—-I could use the head betches’ help figuring out what to get for my besties, pro, parents, etc. so do you think you could create a gift guide?  I’m wondering—should betches buy really nice presents for their friends because duh they’re rich, or should I adopt the attitude of “I don’t send them, I just get them, so you better be sending one biotch”

    Thanks for the solid post. Holiday weight gain is a myth slash only for poor people.

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      If you seriously take this shit seriously enough to consider not buying gifts for the people you’re closest with, you should probably get a fucking life and stop acting like a pathetic 12 year old with no money.

      Posted on Reply
  10. ab says:

    Black also shows off insecurities.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    next betch of the week has to be paulina gretzky. betchdom embodied, from dressing like a skank to the lucky sperm club

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    Oh please, she hasn’t been a betch in about 10 years. Now she’s just the epitome of trash.

    Posted on Reply
    • This says:

      I really don’t know why people even still talk about Britney Spears, shouldn’t she be off somewhere raising her 2 kids?

      Posted on Reply
  13. RUbetch says:

    Let’s see the betch wish list/gift guide!

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    your an insecurity. every betch knows black is a staple colour.. get it right ab.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    what so you and everyone else who reads this site can have the exact same thing :0!!! omg!! that would be sooooo awesome! lets all try and conform and looks exactly the same!! let me guess.. the biddy wish list consists of : a canada goose jacket? michael kors watches? uUGLYggs? Self tanner? omg where do i sign up. Not.
    A real betch has her own style.. and doesnt look like everyone else… those who need a wish list are clearly not betches and betches dont need a list to follow to feel like they would fit in.. tsk tsk.

    ps i hope nobody wears uggs anymore… THEY ARE MEANT TO WEAR TO AND FROM THE BEACH BEFORE/AFTER SURFING..IN AUSTRALIA (where they were invented)...THEY ARE NOT MEANT TO WEAR IN THE SNOW, DOES FUCKING AUSTRALIA HAVE SNOW BITCHES?? NO! THEREFORE BUY A PROPER PAIR OF BOOTS… ITS CALLED SORRELS (even though those are kinda fug.. but whatevs.. id rather have warm and dry feet.)

    Thanks for reading.

    Posted on Reply
    • Dollface says:

      Actually sweet cheeks, Australia does have snow. Nice try though.

      Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    pink isnt even cool

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    and pink is v. unoriginal

    Posted on Reply
  18. Betch says:

    Why were all of the original comments deleted on this entry?

    Posted on Reply
  19. SUCH a good idea! says:

    Wish List/Gift Guide would be beyond amazing, betches.

    Posted on Reply
  20. take a xanax says:

    this betch clearly needs a xanax

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    Betches also don’t need a blog and a guide to life, but clearly your reading it. Its entertainment, seriously take a xanax…and why are you GOING OFF ON A RANDOM TANGENT ABOUT UGGS

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    um, ketel one or belvedere, betches. goose is overrated.

    Posted on Reply
  23. MotherBetch says:

    This entire post seems to contradict itself.  I may be an old betch, but it just means that I’ve had a lot of practice and experience.

    Yes, a real betch has her own style.  My style is to wear my pink UGG “slippers” going to and from the gym, the grocery store, anyplace where I’m not socializing and schmoozing.  I ONLY wear them in the winter, because in cold, snowy areas winter is the time of year that we wear animal pelts and fur.  We wear them not only because they’re warm and practical, but because we get the evil eye from pretend betches when they see their mates approving of our confidence in this passe style.  We wear strappy sandals to the beach.

    As for Sorrels…I’m dumbfounded that the brand would even be mentioned   on this site, except to link them to the preppy gator wearing crowd.  Tecnica would be a much better choice for a betch, when choosing a “proper boot” to wear in the snow.

    Yes, a betch has her own style, and also has a wicked sense of humor.  Therefore a Betch Wish List would be very entertaining.  It’s not needed to try to be the same, but to get a few giggles while reading about ourselves.  Isn’t that what this whole site is about?

    Posted on Reply
  24. Anonymous says:

    Goose is for ghetto people. Gross.

    Posted on Reply
  25. kj says:

    “on wednesdays we wear pink” is from mean girls. they are taking that quote from mean girls. possibly one of the betchiest movies ever created. fucking, duh! amateurs

    Posted on Reply
  26. Anonymous says:

    so true, nothing worse than following the ugg trend..no one with a decent sense of style wears them in Australia..plus, so many fakes out there now it’s hard to tell the difference.

    Posted on Reply
  27. tyla says:

    your disgusting . cyuh neva

    Posted on Reply
  28. kk says:

    not as much a rule..

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    Svedka is to Belvedere as your Mark Jacobs messenger bag is to your Louis Vuitton Galliera. Both are valued, but used under very different circumstances. Betches go through vodka like (Voss) water, and while we may not be stingy, we are reasonable.

    Posted on Reply
  30. um duh says:

    as in you’re dumb

    Posted on Reply
  31. You're an idiot says:

    1. Why post something that is so incredibly lame and not worth posting?
    2. You are not the first person to read, per se, merely the first idiot to post something.
    3. I can’t believe I wasted my time replying to this post but it was just so horrid that I couldn’t resist.

    Posted on Reply
  32. Anonymous says:

    Umm. Marc Jacobs ...

    Posted on Reply
  33. Anonymous says:

    hahahhahahahahahaha

    Posted on Reply
  34. Anonymous says:

    Sure becoming an adult has its pros like living in a high rise with tile floors overlooking the salt water you refuse to get into unless you’re on a yacht, Ed Rosenthaling in your own headquarters and having slumbies with the mensch male from upstairs but sometimes even that isn’t enough to keep a smile on your face.

    The real world also means waking up at an hour which you thought was only socially acceptable for like your poor friends parents who actually have to work for a living, taking orders from someone other than your cunty self, pretending to give a shitballs about what other people think about your work because in realty you know its ridiculously awesome. I mean when have you ever done anything that needed to be additionally cuntified? Never.

    We’re no longer “betches” in College we’re now working adults who still go out during the week because like a true cunt we wouldn’t dare give up our weekly party habits just because we have work at like 7 a.m. the next day. So sitting at our desks with five 20oz of smart water because we’re just as hot as Jennifer Aniston, reeking of alc and cigs and obv regretting the jizz you allowed to run its way through your insides the night before was totally worth being hungovs at work.

    Fuck the assistant job where you actually have to do work to make a name for yourself at the company. Get a desk job where you can pretend to work, gchat all day long and shadily become a dj. Get a job where like if you have to actually do something one day it scares you because you’re worried your boss may expect you to do work every day.

    As if it’s not bad enough you have to lift a finger these days, little “betches” are deciding between which vaca spot to take a private jet to for Winter Break. Wipe winter break out of your minds cunts. It no longer exists. So while “betches” everywhere get to go on these vacas, get super tan, drink margs only to be cut off by grammy and MO with the son of the owner of the castle you’re staying at, we get to beg work to let us take off work for at least 3 of the 8 days of Chanukah. And if you don’t celebrate Chanukah, do yourself a favor and convert because like everyone whose anyone is Jewish these days.

    Laugh now betches, you’ll see doe.

    Posted on Reply
    • um says:

      the fuck?

      btw, doesn’t anyone working for this website write anything NEW anymore? it’s not like it takes a lot of time or hard work to come up with one if these articles…

      Posted on Reply
  35. Anonymous says:

    wow this is amazing. whoever this is u need to start a site for the girls whom are no longer betches and stepping shit up!

    Posted on Reply
  36. Anonymous says:

    ummm New Year’s Eve is for amateurs…

    Posted on Reply
  37. anon says:

    i swear half the “betches” that comment on these things are not betches. they pretend to be rich and say how povo everyone else is and how everything they own is designer. true %1-ers dont have to flaunt it like the cheap whores that hide behind comments here.

    Posted on Reply
  38. WATYbetches says:

    Where is the mention of holiday parties?! holiday parties are a betch’s third favorite party after her own birthday party and anything involving a theme.  They include an open bar and countless instances of coworkers embarrassing themselves and the best part is thats where som really strange office romances get their start.  Its an excuse to dress up, which no betch can pass up, and even better if you have a +1, what a better place to show them off to make even your superiors #supesjeal.  Some even have great food, not that betches eat but its something to brag about.  Just be sure to not be the conductor of the blackout train, but get close enough so that everyone remembers your presence at the party when the holiday season comes around next year.

    Posted on Reply
  39. Ivy says:

    I’ve been waiting 100 years for an OC reference. Finally!

    Posted on Reply
  40. Annie says:

    This new year listen your favorite Music without downloading and without any cost on boomfrat.Enjoy hot music beats friends,hurry up!
    http://www.boomfrat.com

    Posted on Reply
  41. Just stop says:

    “Only losers actually put effort into studying for finals”
    Are you fucking kidding me WORST thing i have ever read on this site.

    Posted on Reply
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