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By The Betches on

Betches, we’ve all been there. You met this pro at a bar a few weeks ago and you’re rounding out the end of date three. Everything’s been going pretty well. You’re debating having sex with him and begin to envision how cute the two of you would look in your profile picture.

At dinner you’re lovingly staring into each others' eyes wondering how this guy can be so perfect when the waiter places the check on the table. You reach for your credit card in a half assed empty gesture and somehow your card makes its way to the top of the receipt. Things just got fucking weird.

In some bizarre and unforeseen crazy twist of events, this loser didn't immediately swat your card and laugh off your generous fake attempt at paying. Wait, am I in the twilight zone? Where’s Ashton? No. Reality hits. This guy is actually allowing you to pay for both your meals. He’s fucking done. He has committed suicide in the dating world. This is what we call a dating deal breaker.

 

date"REALLY...THE HOUSE WINE!?!"

 

You get out of there as fast as you can, simultaneously texting your besties detailing the atrocious night you've just had while changing his name in your phone to Kevin Federline.

Dating deal breakers are so upsetting because you’ve invested so much time in this guy only to see all your good efforts go to waste. It's like raising a child who grows up to be a crack addict or Anne Hathaway. He's forever damaged in your eyes.

This is also kind of like in eighth grade when you were seriously considering purchasing a Von Dutch hat. However, the next day at school you see that fat girl with the huge nose and streaky highlights sporting one. She just fucking ruined the hats for everyone. In that split second, that whole trend died. This is what we mean by a dating deal breaker. All else being perfect you really just can’t get yourself to get over this huge dating foul. No amount of skinny betches he has lusting over him or shady texts he’s been sending will get you to forget that he has allowed you, a betch, to pay for the dinner that he ate three quarters of before he’s even gotten laid.

Dealbreakers are different for every betch, depending on the amount of shit she’s willing to take and perhaps her disgustingness threshold. Some of the most common include but are not limited to:

- Surprise body acne

- Crooked penis/ED/Premature ejaculator

- Gets really drunk and does some weird shit.

- Is eerily close to his #83 sister. Bonding about how much of an ass their dad is, fine. Doing this while she sits on his lap, not fine.

- Is cheap. Um, no I don't want to split a $20 check...

- Eats even less than you. You're a guy! Stop ordering fucking yogurt parfaits.

- Is weird with Facebook. You know what we mean...

- Webbed Toes - Uses excessive emoticons or exclamation points….Listen bro, curb your fucking enthusiasm. I’d be that excited to be texting me too but your texts make me think you’ve already came in your pants.

So, what do you do when you’ve encountered this dating deal breaker? How does a betch end things with a guy? Pick your poison:

The Phase Out - A betch with an eighth of a soul will choose this method. It involves being ‘busy’ when asked for followup dates, a gradual non-return of texts, and hopes that he will get the hint.

 

dateYou know, you could've mentioned you had red hair

 

The Dead Out - His deal breaker was so obviously offensive that he doesn’t even merit an ‘nm you’. You treat this guy as if he has died and you wouldn’t waste a black skirt on attending his funeral. Whenever someone brings him up, you sigh and state that he’s DTM - Dead to Me.

The Truth – awkz. This is a last ditch effort to get this guy to stop harassing you. He’s left you various creepy voicemails with a nervous laugh asking you why you haven’t returned his calls and telling you to "call him...or not”. In this scenario, you’re now sure you’ve dodged a bullet but want to make sure this psycho doesn't come burn your house down. So you send him a text describing his offense and letting him down easy. “I think you’re great, just not for me” is usually the only lie it takes to get this stage 5 off your ass.

Remember, how a guy acts in the beginning of a relationship sets the tone of how he'll act for the rest of it. It only goes downhill after that. So, if he's a cheap bacne-ridden bastard before the one month mark, chances are he'll be a McDonalds-date-taking, Proactiv-using douchebag in three.

 

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92 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    this is amazing.

    Posted on Reply
  2. NastyGal says:

    Greatest post. Reading this at work I was laughing out loud. Awkwardly found some similarities between this post and my ex boyfriend.

    Posted on Reply
  3. kbetch says:

    I swear, every time I read this blog, I question whether I wrote it while blackout drunk and just don’t remember!

    Posted on Reply
  4. AB says:

    Can you address the door bell ringing issue? Obviously if you live with your parents you don’t want your mom or dad anywhere near this guy. But if he automatically assumes you don’t want him to come outside and texts you “I’m here” or worse honks his horn, it’s a serious deal breaker.

    Posted on Reply
  5. samm says:

    omg, epic post. so trueeeee

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    This post is gold.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    Couldn’t have written it better myself!!!!!! Genius

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    Lmao…. The worst deal breaker i when hes cheap not only to you but infront of ur bestie and her pro…. Aka besties pro buys the first round, this chud (cheap dud) buys himself a beer the next round. Only one thing u can do in this sitch, embarass him in public n tell him to call u when he learns proper etiquette, aka never.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    Omg best post in a while…. The best one is “is weird with facebook (you know what we mean)”. I drunkenly hooked up with this gorgeous guy and found his Facebook and he was a total facebook DOUCHE. Straight up just ignored his weekly texts until he finally stopped.
    Good job betches, I lol’d hard.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    I agree with your point, but you need to learn proper grammar and spelling. Abbrevs are totes cute, but substituting fucking “n” for “and” and “u” for “you” makes you sound like a ghetto dumbass.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    PS, stop trying to make “lmao” happen, Gretchen. It’s not going to happen.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    a betch would never put up a prof pic with her pro. It might take attention away from herself.
    also, its tacky.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Olive says:

    this is great .us betches don’t need those stage 5 bacne so called “pros” they think they are!

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    the only time it’s ok to let a betch pay for dinner is when you’re married to her… and the credit card she pays with is funded 100% by your income anyway. and afterward you’ll still have to buy her a huge present to make up for this blunder.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    betches are over LOL and LMAO. leave it in the late 90s.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    i disagree. if the pro is slighly below or above in hotness, it’s perfectly acceptable. angelina and brad do it all the time—it’s broadcasting that you single gals (or worse, gals with ugly pro’s) should be jealous.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Katalina says:

    Uch! You ALL are fucking spoiled brats. Not everybody can afford to pay for a dinner for 2. It doesn’t mean he isn’t a nice guy. Just some people don’t come from loads of money. The economy has hurt my family’s income so much that my mom and dad can’t give me any money and I now live at home. It’s a hard world out there!! Peace, love, and happiness

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    where as i completely agree with you—it’s not right to assume everyone is rolling in dough, particularly in the recent economy, i don’t think anyone who calls himself a “man” should take a woman out to a dinner he can’t afford to cover. it’s all about chivalry, don’t settle for some asshole who’s trying to take advantage of you and your wallet.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    and before anyone grammar nazis jump on me—i realize whereas is one word. my bad. sorry betches.

    Posted on Reply
  20. Fine Dining says:

    No. He needs to pay for the dinner. There are no excuses. Even if he takes you to grab a slice of pizza, or anywhere else poor people go on dates, he needs to pay. He can’t take you somewhere he can’t afford and then expect you to pay. That’s shady. If you think it’s okay if he doesn’t pay for dinner, whether it’s pizza or dinner at Per Se, you are a delusional dater.

    Posted on Reply
  21. says:

    - wears hollister/abercrombie/aeropostle and he is over the age of 23

    Posted on Reply
  22. Layne says:

    Or more like over the age of 14….. Let’s be real here.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    Haha my bestie and i made a list of deal breakers this past weekend when we reminiscing about #14 Going on dates with bros! We were actually going to send them in and I wish we had…amazing topic betches. You should have made a huge fucking list though because there are just so many things guys can do wrong and it’d be hilarious to laugh at each and every one while trying to relate it to some loser you used to know.

    Posted on Reply
  24. kbetch says:

    love ya betch. 

    this is how talking shit is done.

    Posted on Reply
  25. kbetch says:

    sweetie, I think you’re reading the wrong blog….

    Posted on Reply
  26. kbetch says:

    Steve always paid for Miranda and took her to get pizza.

    Normally dating him would be acceptable, but lesbians can’t be picky.

    Posted on Reply
  27. Betch for life says:

    I thought Betches don’t EVER pull the wallet out, unless it is month 6 and she is taking him for breakfast… you lost me at hello (cross that) wallet…..

    Posted on Reply
  28. Anonymous says:

    its “we betches” nut “us betches”
    betches aren’t dumb.

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    im willing to bet 75 percent of the people who agreed with the person who wrote this are single.

    Posted on Reply
  30. Anonymous says:

    you’re Facebook friends with Brad and Angelina? It’s def tacky, I’m not trying to have my newfeed bombarded with self-take pictures of you and your pro (or if you take self-takes, more like you with my ex-back burner bro).

    Posted on Reply
  31. betch says:

    this post reminded me how irritating my ex is. so fucking true.

    Posted on Reply
  32. Anonymous says:

    The only times that I’ve ever paid for my bf’s dinner: on his birthday. Two times in a two year relationship. And once I brought him soup when he had the flu. My mom raised me to have standards

    Posted on Reply
  33. sizeyes says:

    obsessed!!!!!! excessive punctuation!!!!

    Posted on Reply
  34. Anonymous says:

    Hahaha to your Brangie comment. But I kind of disagree with you there; of the picture is of you two dressed up at some gala or exclusive charity event, it’s totes betchy to have it as your prof pic (given you wait at least a week after the picture is taken). Selfies with your significant other are NEVER okay though, like you said. It’s tacky and probably the easiest way to spot a nice girl.

    Posted on Reply
  35. Anonymous says:

    The only thing betchy about you is your name because you can legally get your middle and last name changed to Wine Mixer (respectively). Please leave, but have fun picking up the tab at fucking Olive Garden!

    Posted on Reply
  36. CiCee says:

    At first I thought this post was going to be about how betches still date guys who have deal breakers and I was like wtf, but clearly it’s not. Awesome post.

    Posted on Reply
  37. haley e says:

    wardrobe is so fucking critical.

    best post yet betches

    Posted on Reply
  38. thebetchiest says:

    Kudos to you betches, you’ve truly out-betched yourself on this one: I die!

    Posted on Reply
  39. Anonymous says:

    Fucking. Brilliant. Best post so far. I literally am doing the “phase out” with three pros right now. I only hope every idiot pro out there reads this and heads the advice.

    Posted on Reply
  40. Anonymous says:

    Oh and in addition, no pro should EVER make you feel awkward or uncomfortable when the check comes. He should take care of it and brush off your offer as if it isn’t even a question. Confidence is sexy, ambiguity is not.

    Posted on Reply
  41. Olive says:

    Its *not BTW

    Posted on Reply
  42. not to be that betch, but... says:

    apparently you’re not a betch because you’re clearly a bit dumb…
    and unaware of when it’s necessary to use an apostrophe.

    xxx

    Posted on Reply
  43. Fierce Betch says:

    What are these nice girls doing on here? Aren’t they supposed to be doing lame shit, like doing work or stalking Anne Hathaway on google images?

    Posted on Reply
  44. lily says:

    they’re trying, it’s almost cute

    Posted on Reply
  45. E says:

    Nothing wrong with being single…. better to be single than settle.

    Posted on Reply
  46. Anonymous says:

    I’m in the same situation and I completely agree. This post was right on.

    Posted on Reply
  47. Jen-Jen says:

    Pro has you in his picture, he’s not in your’s. #sorryimnotsorry

    Posted on Reply
  48. Anonymous says:

    Major deal breaker sounds old fashion but its just a nice gesture. Like how hard is it to get out of your car and knock on my door? Not. Hard. At. All.

    Posted on Reply
  49. wutsapro says:

    Don’t offer to pay.  It’s an obnoxious attempt to seem generous when you’re anything but.

    Also, if a girl cares about who buys dinner she probably wasn’t worth the money anyways.

    Posted on Reply
  50. Anonymous says:

    A guy’s hesitation to buy dinner is a fucking deal breaker, it says so much about who he is. But I guess I understand (no, I don’t) if you’re embarrassed to pull out your duct tape wallet in front of your date.

    Posted on Reply
  51. Anonymous says:

    why would a betch ever even pull out her credit card?

    Posted on Reply
  52. Christine says:

    But definitely left out my favorite date-getter-outter… texting your friend while on the date, telling her to call you pretending to cry because her boyfriend just broke up with her. Did this after a guy ran a red light on the way to our date and almost fucking killed me before he could even get the chance to buy me shit.

    Posted on Reply
  53. J says:

    Dumb and wrong

    Posted on Reply
  54. Anonymous says:

    FAVORITE SO FAR

    Posted on Reply
  55. Abigail says:

    von dutch hat? as if you didn’t already predict and describe my personality now you’re recalling my past? PERFECT. with each post I read I can’t help become more & more obsessed.

    you win.

    Posted on Reply
  56. Anonymous says:

    Funny article. Until I read the comments. Um are you kidding?! It’s not the fucking 50s! If you have a boyfriend, don’t make him pay for every dinner. Alternate paying- it’s the polite thing to do now-a-days. You sound like snooty assholes and if you actually have a boyfriend (unlikely), he should dump your cheap ass!

    Posted on Reply
  57. Fab says:

    bahahahaha! luves it! Dead To Me, I say all the time, now its just DTM, another fabs abbrevs. KIU Betches! xoxo

    Posted on Reply
  58. Leigh says:

    hahaha peace, love, and happiness? that won’t help your financial sitch. go hang out with the other useless hippie protesters on wall street. guys should ALWAYS pay the tab, fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  59. Anonymous says:

    EMOTICONS YES!
    Or playing the guitar immediately after sex….weird

    Posted on Reply
  60. sorryimnottsorry says:

    ah! just had a guy tell me after our first round of drinks the second would be on me! obvi didnt stick around for round 2, just told him my roomate got stood up. bye. and helllllo British friend out with the “stood up roomie”

    Posted on Reply
  61. Anonymous says:

    its almost like no one understands this website is a joke….  so many desperates taking it SO seriously. maybe you all need to start reading this high.

    Posted on Reply
  62. JLEE www.jlee5879.wordpress.com says:

    Dating deal breakers are so upsetting because you’ve invested so much time in this guy only to see all your good efforts go to waste. It’s like raising a child who grows up to be a crack addict or Anne Hathaway. He’s forever damaged in your eyes.—Hillare! I actually laughed out loud at work.

    Posted on Reply
  63. ab says:

    So true.

    Posted on Reply
  64. SO TRUE!!! says:

    So fucking true.  I had a pro ask me out to dinner and I half-assed offered and he made us split the fucking bill. Like don’t ask me out for dinner if you’re not willing to afford it, if you wanna “go dutch” take out a nice girl.

    Posted on Reply
  65. ny betch says:

    omg yes. this is EVERYTHING and more.

    Posted on Reply
  66. Diva Betch says:

    This is hilarious. And 100% true. I dated a bro who committed like 2 of these offenses.. huge fail. Had to cut the cord fast.

    Posted on Reply
  67. agreed. says:

    Agree completely, betches don’t pay on dates.

    Posted on Reply
  68. Anonymous says:

    This is some seriously ignorant, shallow and narrow-minded stuff you just wrote. We aren’t living in the 1950’s anymore when women were all homemakers and men were the only ones with money to actually spend. In this day and age, a woman has just as much paper in her pocket as a guy does.

    Don’t get me wrong, chivalry goes a long way, and it is certainly nice to treat the person you care about. But this ridiculous notion of it being the man’s “responsibility” to pay for the woman every time is archaic, and need no longer apply in today’s world.

    What’s so inherently crazy about the thought of a woman paying for the meal? Were you not BOTH at the restaurant? Did you not BOTH ingest food? Shouldn’t you want to treat the man, just as much as he wants to treat you?

    Posted on Reply
  69. Anonymous says:

    This is the best post I’ve ever read and I haven’t gone longer than a month without a boyfriend in 4 years. You’ve got to be dating some seriously wack guys to not agree.

    Posted on Reply
  70. Anonymous says:

    fuck this website and the shallow cunts who created it/read it. cheers

    Posted on Reply
  71. Anonymous says:

    If they’re getting the “phase put” they aren’t pros

    Posted on Reply
  72. Anonymous says:

    Listen bro, curb your fucking enthusiasm. I’d be that excited to be texting me too but your texts make me think you’ve already came in your pants.

    hahaaha true, hence funny.

    Posted on Reply
  73. yayaya says:

    get a job - we betches deserve the best

    Posted on Reply
  74. jay says:

    Cheap, I thought I could get past it but you can’t. Got the movie theater and was upset he forgot his coupon.

    Love you girls I died reading this and basically all your posts lol

    Posted on Reply
  75. Anonymous says:

    Not to mention the most egregious deal breaker, the bed-wetter. There is nothing worse than letting a guy sleep over only to wake up in a pool of his piss. Unforgivable.

    Posted on Reply
  76. OhHay says:

    Laughing out fucking loud at the “Von Dutch hat” reference. So true.

    Posted on Reply
  77. Anonymous says:

    If he asks you out, he pays. end of story.  if you ask him out, you pay, but betches shouldn’t have to be asking guys out.

    Posted on Reply
  78. Nick says:

    The “phase out” is NOT the proper way to leave a guy. Tell him you aren’t interested. Don’t just avoid him. It’s really irritating, and only leaves us confused and angry.

    Posted on Reply
  79. Anna says:

    The best is “Is weird on Facebook… you know what we mean” only real betches understand what it means to be weird on fb. All those other ignorant fucks don’t because they ARE weird on fb.

    Posted on Reply
  80. Betch2 says:

    Checking a guy out on facebook is a must before you get serious if hes taking pictures of himself flexing in the mirror or doing kissy face in pictures you need to know that right away! stay away from those ones!

    Posted on Reply
  81. Kaykay.meow. says:

    Last month I went on a date (actually several) with a guy who didn’t even offer to pick me up and said lets “meet there”. UM WEIRD, but I was a nice girl.. Now I’m a betch, and know better.

    Posted on Reply
  82. Miguel says:

    Where poor people go on dates?

    You’re a cunt, and I guarantee the dude you’re banging is cheating on you.

    Posted on Reply
  83. Elizabetch says:

    The ultimate deal breaker is the asshole who claims he “doesn’t eat the pussy” before he even gets the betch hot and out of her crop top.  UGH

    Posted on Reply
  84. A true Bro says:

    A bro friend of mine told me to check this site out for laughs, so I did and this is the first post I clicked on. And coming from a super hot bro such as myself who probably already banged several of you betches writing these posts, I must say what in your right mind makes you think you are special enough for me to take out to dinner, on the contrary our first date would be at my place with you making me a sandwich in my kitchen. Bro life

    Posted on Reply
  85. A real bro says:

    I real bro could pull off getting a betch to pay for his meal and do his laundry this guy was just a chump.

    Hey betch walk my dog!

    Posted on Reply
  86. drunk bro says:

    Wait he got to date 3 and then was a dealbreaker? If he wanted to do it right he wouldnt of paid on date 1. When I am out with my bros at the bar I only care about talking to betches and getting drunk and getting betches to do shit for me. So I am talking to a hot betch right but if she tells me to buy her a drink I am going to say no and give her some kind of backhanded tease cause I am a bro and chicks like to be teased. Then I go get myself another drink. But you know what nine times out of ten the betch comes around and buys me a drink. BROS RULE!

    Posted on Reply
  87. player says:

    I only buy stuff for girls I have already had sex with.

    Posted on Reply
  88. Truth says:

    Quality guys don’t let bitches mooch off them.  End of story.  But best of luck finding the Beta guy who will cater to your every need.  Hopefully his mommy will let him take you out for date 4.

    Posted on Reply
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