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By The Betches on

It's Friday night and you and your besties are at a bar, talking to bros, drinking, giving dirty looks, the usual. All of a sudden the music fades out and you begin to hear the beat of "your jam" fading in. Be it We Found Love or Wilson Phillips' Hold On, you drop everything you're doing. Whether a hot pro is in the midst of buying you a drink or you're cutting the line for the bathroom, the music hits you like a betch slap to the face. You spot your friends from across the bar and all head to the table. Not to sit at, you loser. You're going to get on top of it and dance your fucking face off.

Without ever having to climb, betches were naturally born into the upper echelons of society. But sometimes people tend to forget that we're not their equals, so we prop ourselves higher with 5-inch pumps, drive in higher cars, and get perfect nose jobs to remind them. However this is not always enough, so what's the next best thing? Literally lifting ourselves off the ground, and onto a table, that's what. Simply put, if you don't want to put us on a pedestal, we'll fucking do it for you. Dancing on the floor is like wearing flats. Leave it for ugly girls.

girls dancing on tableThe move: arm up, head back

So why dance on tables? Why the fuck not. The relationship a betch has with a table is a complicated one. We don't really eat off of them, because we don't eat. Fucking duh. The only time we'll sit around one is if we're forced to, it's someone's birthday dinner, or there happens to be a $1K bottle of Dom sitting on it. Sitting at a table is overrated, why sit and talk quietly when you'd rather be dancing like a complete idiot with your besties while spilling your drink on others, on top of a table?

A betch cures a crowded club the same way she cures her hangover: by getting as high as fucking possible. The college betch knows that floor space at her favorite bar is limited and sweaty as fuck. According to our iPhone thermometer app, the air on top of a table is 15 degrees cooler. Whoever said heat rises was clearly an ugly loser who was home studying real science at 12:45 on a Friday night. Fucking duh.

Betches also dance on tables because it’s an easy way for the lost-at-sea betch to find her besties. Screw the north star, betches know to head for their fave booth when they get lost in a sea of bros. Your go-to table is sort of like your grandparent’s place in Boca: it’s always there when you just need to get away from it all. We dance on tables because it’s inappropriate. The only thing bouncers hate more than their own lives is having to remind you to get off the table every time “Call your Girlfriend” comes on. Fortunately, bouncers only mess with ugly people, so betches get away with this as easily as Casey Anthony got away with, well, bad example.

bill gatesSee, even Bill Gates knows what's up

When tables aren’t available, crafty betches find other things on which to dance. For the daytime #23 pregame, it’s the frat house’s roof. For the tailgate, it’s the top of your bestie’s Range Rover. For the music festival, standing itself is challenge enough, so betches get a pass here. Generally speaking, the more drunk the betch, the more precarious her perch. But a true betch can dance, text, and sip a vodka soda, all while keeping her balance.

So next time you feel that urge pumping through your veins like you're the fucking hulk, climb your skinny ass on a table and dance. And remember that it is that common, it happens to every betch, and it is a big deal. Don't let the jealous fuglies' nasty looks dissuade you. Nice girls set tables, betches dance on them.


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44 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. tabledancingbetch says:


    I really worry when I see posts as spot on as these and think: are these people watching me on my nights out!!??!! lol

    this was awesome! my 22nd birthday party was spent on a table with my bestie and we out danced the fulgies!

    loved it!


    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    A betch cures a crowded club the same way she cures her hangover: by getting as high as fucking possible.

    i die. love it.

    Posted on Reply
  3. vivalanikki says:

    “A true betch can dance, text, and sip a vodka soda, all while keeping her balance.” Priceless. 

    Def time for a post about betches being VIP #allthefuckingtime

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    “Nice girls set tables, betches dance on them.”

    Words to live by.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    Lets not forget the fact that dancing on tables also reminds people that you HAVE a table, while they’re stuck on the crowded ass, sweaty dance floor, looking up to you in all your table dancing glory, admiring you and all the Pros drooling over your perfectly toned legs and extra slutty (but classy) Chanel minidress.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    The bar is the where true betchs dance.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    friends reference. love it.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    “And remember that it is that common, it happens to every betch, and it is a big deal.”

    Subtle Friends reference. so perf. you guys are the shit.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    Love the friends reference!!

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:


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  11. Anonymous says:

    hahaha i was definitely dancing on a table last night…

    Posted on Reply
  12. Jlee says:


    Posted on Reply
  13. anon says:

    soo true…i will dance on anything. but yeah, you guys forgot bars, especially on spring break. who doesn’t have a picture of themselves dancing on a bar in the bahamas?

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    at a music festival like you said, betches are obvi to crossfaded to stand on their own, so thats when you grab the first guy you see and ask him to put you on his shoulders. duh. its the only way to see a band
    and love the bridesmaids hold on reference. kristen wiig’s dance is the best

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  15. Anonymous says:

    who watches friends? all about s&tc;. fucking duh. the article was fairly accurate, i just replaced table with bar. true betches dance on the bar, just sayin.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Cbizzle says:

    all I have to say is a true betch has been dancing on table since her fake id has been in existence…check the about me on facebook…see what you find

    Posted on Reply
  17. Pat Bateman says:

    Just saying, I am going to slice you open with a rusty clotheshanger, and eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Molly says:

    Agreed about getting on the nearest bro’s shoulders at a festival… Once you are up there you smile at all the other betches on guys shoulders because you know that only the hottest betches are able to do this

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    Little too aggressive? Someone’s a BSB.

    Posted on Reply
  20. RaveBetch says:

    HAHA at Ezoo i’m on my pro’s shoulders enjoying the best view of afrojack in the house.. cue jealousy fatty next to us complaining to my friend “omg can you put me up there for a second?! i just wanna see what its like” for some reason my friend had a nice guy moment and decided to try and pick her up… bitch fell straight back to the ground, bro- “sorry, no more shoulder rides for fat chicks”

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    I’m sorry but dancing on tables is just plain annoying. For underage girls that don’t know club etiquette or the dud trying to act spontaneous. It’s a really amateur move.
    Seems The Betches don’t party as often as I presumed.

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    ^^this is obvi the uggo the bouncer keeps kicking off the table.

    sorry you’re not hot enough to pull it off

    Posted on Reply
  23. ew says:

    of commenters actually acting like they are all filthy rich whores who HAVE tables every night. come to 1oak or greenhouse nyc and good luck to you getting in. most of the girls fighting to dance on tables are just fug attention whores. betches dont live by this site, they make their own rules time for a wake up call..

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  24. nk says:

    THANK YOU THIS IS WHAT IM SAYING. these all such amateur girls who probably don’t even go to clubs. talk about online alter egos for ugly wanna-be sluts.

    Posted on Reply
  25. Anonymous says:

    In the words of Chandler, “I KNEW IT!!!”

    Posted on Reply
  26. -- says:

    love this!

    Posted on Reply
  27. So true says:

    Totally agree with you on that one. At shows, esp at Guv in TO best spot is on the sub woofer right next to the DJ. You have to push off the ug weirdos who think they should be up there.

    Easiest way to get spotted and play some candy land later on in the night (let’s be real, morning) with the DJ.

    Buttttt. Kristen Wiig is an annoying weirdo.


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  28. Queen Betch says:

    “But a true betch can dance, text, and sip a vodka soda, all while keeping her balance.”

    True betches don’t drink vodka sodas.

    Posted on Reply
  29. anonymous says:

    A true betch shouldn’t have to dance on a table (or anything else for that matter) to get noticed.

    Posted on Reply
  30. Anonymous says:

    completely agree

    Posted on Reply
  31. niknak says:

    i presume this girl is “just plain annoying”

    Posted on Reply
  32. Anonymous says:

    make a ‘screening calls’ post

    Posted on Reply
  33. Anonymous says:

    And just so you know, it’s not that common, it doesn’t happen to every guy, and it IS a big deal!

    Posted on Reply
  34. anonymous says:

    you obvi don’t party like a betch because since we’re being fed drinks by pros we get blackout so we’re not trying to act spontaneous, we just fucking are.

    plus, when you have a table at a club that’s license to do whatever the fuck you want with it and unless you hate fun or are fat, you’re prob dancing on it at a safe distance from the masses.

    shut up, bitch.

    Posted on Reply
  35. Anonymous says:

    And remember that it is that common, it happens to every betch, and it is a big deal.

    love the Friends reference

    Posted on Reply
  36. Anonymous says:

    Tables? Pft how about on stage with the dj because you and your friends are the hottest and can preside over everyone without being rude and dancing on some shitty, sticky, nasty table.  Only the hottest betches get pulled on stage.

    Posted on Reply
  37. CP says:

    If you dance on the dance floor, you’re a fucking plebeian. Plain and simple. You girls absolutely nailed this one…we were born on a pedestal so it’s only right to dance there.
    Boca is a nice touch. I always knew you betches had to be somewhat Jewish.

    Posted on Reply
  38. t money says:

    they are sluts who want sexual attention because they are too stupid to do anything worthwile to get it… mensa students do this… naturally pretty girls do this, only the made up, tight dressed , low insecurity havin mother fuckers….......raise the bar you dumb sluts

    Posted on Reply
  39. Anonymous says:

    not classy but ill give ya slutty

    Posted on Reply
  40. T.O. says:

    Absolutely, dancing on the sub woofers is key at Guvvy

    Posted on Reply
  41. Mike Hunt says:

    All this bullshit is why men rule the world. People like you are the problem with humanity and the reason why people across the world hate americans. After you fail out of college and your fat vagina is beyond repair your going to look back on this and realize your stupidity. I am a guy and cum dumpsters like you are the trashy hoes that no one wants to marry or get to know. Have fun dancing on tables you classless idiots.

    P.S.-Writer of this article I hope your your career of exploiting and defiling the minds of impressionable young women.

    Posted on Reply
  42. Ya Jell says:

    My fav phrase evaaa
    jealous fuglies

    Posted on Reply
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