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By The Betches on

Ever since slavery was abolished, there have been few institutionalized ways for rich white people to show how much better they are than everyone. But while most people rejoiced in the land of liberty and freedom for all, white republicans stayed one step ahead of the game. They needed to a way to preserve the timeless tradition of old white people who only interact with other old people and occasionally their ethnic servants. And that's why they invented country clubs.

Historical details aside, betches love country clubs for the same reason we love regular clubs: exclusivity. But country clubs are so exclusive that you can't just be a regular rich person and get in. You're interviewed and pre-screened for class and like, need connections and shit. Like sure The Situation may have millions of dollars but you can bet your ass that he's more likely to become governor of California than play 18 holes at Riviera. Getting a club membership is kind of like getting a job but instead of them paying you, your parents pay them and it's like, a much better use of your time.

theme partyYeah, the ABC band screams 'I'm a huge whore'

A true betch knows that nothing is more fun than inviting your besties to the club to have brunch and then lay out by the pool. While bottomless bellinis and free food prepared by a chef from a fancy French culinary institute is an appealing way to spend your summer, you realize you could also just do that at your house considering you already have a pool, tennis court, and 24/7 help. But then how would anyone ever see your Vix bikini?

 

The country club also serves as dating resource. I mean everyone there is already pre-approved by the fam and a large board of directors, with the added bonus of looking hot in a polo. It's like an adult Greek system for the Lucky Sperm Club, where the only hazing you'll have to endure is wheeling your grandma to the breakfast buffet.

The perks of belonging to a country club:

- Your parents pay for everything, such a difference from every other part of your life.

- All the employees must know your name and it's socially acceptable to not know theirs. Oh, hi, uh Julio..?

- Getting high and hitting up the buffet/trying to figure out who else is high

- Pretending to play golf to meet hot rich guys - if you can rock a golf outfit without looking like you're about to take Wanda Sykes to dinner, you can rock anything

- Immersing yourself in other cultures, as your staff will sport name tags stating their country of origin

- Token rich Asians

- #107 Not branching out

- Valet

theme partyMy mom looks like this after she wins a match only because she took her Prozac

 

- Laughing at the poor people with BMW’s

- Getting drunk and driving golf carts on the range with said hot guys

The drawbacks:

- Actually having to play golf

- Parents' friends asking you what you’re doing with your life (Yes I'm single and no I don’t have a job. That's why I'm talking to you.)

- Watching your mom in her tennis matches. They play worse than in a tampon commercial.

- Dress codes. No frayed jeans or shirts with lettering - Hard to #42 dress like a slut in front of all the old fucks

- Old fucks

Belonging to an elite country club is our parents way of saying “we’re better than everyone who isn’t a member and most that are” as well as showing off their accomplished financially dependent children, dad's golf skills, and mom's botox. If you have a certain amount of wealth, it's like, almost weirder if you don't belong to one.

So remember betches, if your dad was never approached to invest money during a round of golf with Bernie Madoff, you're probably poor. And if he was, we guess you're still poor. With that we urge you to go clubbing at the one place where it's socially acceptable to wear a skort. Be classy. Be elite. Join a fucking country club.

 

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60 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Kay says:

    Eww worst one. I’m a city betch, no time for the country.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    Betches join country clubs.  JABs join the JCC.

    Posted on Reply
    • Wrong says:

      JABs join the Boca Beach Club. JCC is for poor people with minivans and 3 young boys signed up for cheap swimming lessons and little league.

      Posted on Reply
  3. Kelly says:

    There’s nothing like being an elite WASPY bitch on your Daddy’s tab… Long live the social class of those who belong. LBC forever.

    Posted on Reply
    • Tripp says:

      Louisville Boat Club BLOWS. More like LCC. Skank.

      Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    belonging to a country club doesn’t mean you’re from the country….

    Posted on Reply
    • awesome says:

      Ya that person is obviously out of the fucking loop. As if a scarcity of open land would stop us from building the Olympic Club in SF! Pshhh please, that’s why it’s called a club.

      Posted on Reply
  5. Kelly says:

    There is nothing better than basking in the sun with other trust fund babies, and not to mention it’s all on Daddy’s tab. I love my CC. LBC forever.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    helllllo? NYC has country clubs…

    Posted on Reply
  7. FCBetch says:

    .... or two, or three.

    Don’t forget the lawn, beach, and yacht clubs!

    Posted on Reply
  8. FCBetch says:

    NYYC, one of the most elite in the country.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    Too bad there was nothing said about yacht clubs… I could def go for a post like that, considering they’re far more elite (ie you have to own a yacht to be a member…) . Plus the dating field is a little bit better, I have to say.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    totes agree! I was literally just about to say that yacht clubs are wayy better than country clubs.. my club has tennis, golf and a pool just like the country clubs but then i also get to go out on daddy’s yacht.. and you’re sooo right hot sailor boys are the best!

    Posted on Reply
  11. Betch Mom says:

    I’m so proud of you girls for saying it how it is, but I don’t like how you disrespect your grandparents. Calling them or other’s old fucks isn’t nice.  They love you and you love them. Did you feel this way when you were constantly getting packages from them filled new bikini’s, electronics and such in summer camp? All they ask is that you dress respectfully in front of them and yes, that you wheel them to where they need to go. I hope your children don’t treat me like this because it would be sad. When my daughter left her wheel chair bound grandfather smack in the middle of a ramp for a half an hour to cahoot with some pro, I gave our country club explicit instructions to deny her access for two weeks. Other betch moms should do the same

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    ew wtf why are old people on this site.

    Posted on Reply
    • Prime says:

      lmao!!!!!!! took the words right out of my mouth

      Posted on Reply
  13. Betch Mom says:

    Listen Kid you can go shove a number 2 pencil right up your ass because you’re going to be old one day too. I have just as much of a right to be on this site as you do. Actually, I have more of a right because I don’t have to work and do or should. I found my pro/husband now you go find yours and stay the fuck away from me.

    Posted on Reply
    • Prime says:

      You have every right to be on this site——- BUT WHY are you on this site? 100% of the content on this site only relates to young people. Stop living vicariously through us! You wanna be us #hairflip

      Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    Ew that’s not a betchy mom..more like a psycho mom

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    this cannot be real. some girl who thinks she’s clever is obviously trying to be funny, and failing.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    thanks TTH regina’s mom. laden with errors as well.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Jennifer says:

    Just FYI country clubs were started during the prohibition not after the abolishment of slavery…. Duh

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    i loveeee when old people use the internet. they never know what’s socially acceptable and always TTH.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    Finally! Love this post.

    Posted on Reply
  20. originalCCs says:

    The older the CC, the more exclusive.  Country clubs can try to hard. For example, truly betchy country clubs don’t allow jeans of any kind, much less frayed jeans - and if you wear jeans or talk on the phone, you get a $100+ dollar fine, so those betches who break the rules further set themselves apart by not following the rules and showing they can pay for the consequences.

    Posted on Reply
  21. CR says:

    lofl

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    are you fucking stupid…

    Posted on Reply
  23. laur says:

    that’s why CC bathrooms are so nice, that’s where we go to text. my CC’s couches are the comfiest

    Posted on Reply
  24. LKC says:

    Totally on target!  Doesn’t everyone learn to drive a golf cart when they’re like 10?  And the bartenders know your name, but think you’re 21 when you’re 16?  This post totally hits home - so ready for the summer!

    Posted on Reply
  25. . says:

    where is the new girl recap

    Posted on Reply
  26. THAT Betch says:

    Just FYI (since apparently people still say that) prohibition came after abolition… Duh

    Posted on Reply
  27. Anonymous says:

    the country club in my town wouldn’t let Tiger Woods play golf there because he was black… hahah oops

    Posted on Reply
  28. Old Money Betch says:

    This post is right on target! I moved out of the South to the Midwest (Ew I know!) and no one here gets the joys of old money and country clubs! The exclusivity, the knowing you and everyone there is better than normal people - it’s great! And it truly is a great way to work on choosing a future husband (I said choosing, not finding - because a betch has her choice of men!) because all the men there come from money and class. Plus who doesn’t like the fact that when you are there you don’t even use money? It’s like it’s so exclusive that it costs more than mere dollars! Basically, country clubs are a betch’s paradise - yes you have to avoid some old people on occasion but you get to be around other people of your class and status!

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    betches. i’m an avid fan but lately youre posts have totally sucked and reading them has been yawn inducing. I’ll never give up on you but please do better.

    love,

    a concerned reader

    Posted on Reply
  30. Anonymous says:

    That’s what you’re doing in your CC bathroom?

    Posted on Reply
  31. ivy league betch says:

    Actually slavery was abolished after the civil war and prohibition started in the 1920s…..

    Posted on Reply
  32. MidwestBETCH says:

    Not sure where you moved to, but the Midwest has plenty of CC’s…. if you live in the right place…

    Posted on Reply
  33. Anonymous says:

    lately your posts have condoned enjoying food and eating lots of it (“Getting high and hitting up the buffet/trying to figure out who else is high”) but i thought betches didn’t like to eat? personally i don’t care whether or not you guys eat but you should probably stay consistent in your posts!

    Posted on Reply
  34. Anonymous says:

    the way these posts have been sounding lately, i would be embarrassed to have any of these “betches” at my country club. country clubs are for old money, and people with old money dont need to be trashy betches and show of their wealth. real country clubs have ten year waiting lists, and strict dresss codes…meaning all white on the tennis court.

    Posted on Reply
  35. Anonymous says:

    Is that not what she said? Thanks for your valuable input, but no one seems gather that prohibition was also a movement, which started in the 1840s-ish. And betches- your timeline’s off. The first cc was in the 1890s. Irrelevant to abolition and prohibition. Confused with speak easies, maybe? Bump up the adderall and fact check.

    Posted on Reply
  36. B.L says:

    If that’s a fact you should name the country club/ neo nazi organization that discriminated against someone because of their race. If what you claim is true, and/or there’s sufficient proof to back it up then you can in no way get in any trouble for disclosing the name of this country club. It would be the betchy thing to do. It would be the best thing you could do for man kind in America, which is outcast racists establishments and people. Make belonging to this CC equivalent to having a gold card at Pizza Hut.

    Posted on Reply
  37. PCVABCH says:

    Blame yourself bech mom. You all are the ones who raised them wrong and made them the betches that they are! Kids should work in the summer and get stoned with the help… it makes them much cooler with their wealth.

    Posted on Reply
  38. PCVABCH says:

    Hhahahaha! Sure you do. Just keep telling yourself that Kansas is as cool as New York… maybe some day it will be true!

    Posted on Reply
  39. Anonymous says:

    The last few posts have been sub par at best. The whole “omg like duh” is getting old. Maybe if ya’ll started writing about reality slightly exaggerated instead of incredibly exaggerated/non-existent things, the blog would pick up.

    Posted on Reply
  40. betch says:

    you don’t need to own a yacht, stfu and read the guidelines.

    Posted on Reply
  41. betch says:

    1. ew you’re a mom and probably have a loose vajayjay 2. accept the fact that you’re old as fuck and get off this website 3. what kind of back water, white trash, mother are you? “shove a number 2 pencil up your ass” ...last time i heard a mother say that i was watching teen mom? kool kill yourself. 4. i’m going to find the fucking fountain of youth and stay young forever like a true betch :*

    Posted on Reply
  42. so true says:

    yacht clubs are so much more fun than country clubs, i’ll take drinking, sailing, and tanning over watching old people play golf any day

    Posted on Reply
  43. CT betch says:

    This was the worst post yet.

    Posted on Reply
  44. anon says:

    Sweetheart, come to New York and see how many people with the last name Klein are members of just about any club… Idiot.

    Posted on Reply
  45. Country club queen says:

    Yes! Post was spot on. You forgot to mention how all of our first “jobs” were summer jobs as lifeguards and swim coaches because the members get to hire their own kids and basically pay them to tan all day in the sun and get drunk out of styrofoam cups underneath our sunglasses. First jobs as waitresses or retail is for the poors. What? You want me to get out of this chair and do something for you? Sorry I’m a lifeguard, if you want a server you can ask Pedro at the snackbar or join the YMCA fatty. #Youcantsitwithus

    Posted on Reply
  46. Anonymous says:

    LOVE Lawrence Beach Club in NY

    Posted on Reply
  47. Anonymous says:

    at the girl who said she was a city bitch and didnt have time for the country. lolzzzz

    Posted on Reply
  48. Anonymous says:

    at the girl who said she was a city bitch and didnt have time for the country. lolzzzz

    Posted on Reply
  49. Anonymous says:

    are you shitting me? obviously you don’t belong to a country club. or at the very least a country club with no background checks, basically the same thing.

    Posted on Reply
  50. 2 things says:

    bottomless bellinis wtf maybe served at a cc in bumfuck, midwest. also, there are clubs in the city (colony, cos) but obvs no country clubs which need space for tennis and golf… that why WASPy betches have country houses and/or summer houses.

    Posted on Reply
  51. anon says:

    bmws aren’t for poor people my dad’s bentley costs the same as my mom’s bmw

    Posted on Reply
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