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By The Betches on


“Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!”


So summer is finally here and that means many things. Even though our summer days are filled with trips to the beach, mall and the part-time internship that our dads got for us, betches eventually need to get away. It gets boring doing the same thing everyday, even if that same thing is rotating our beach chairs to align with the sun. That’s why it’s important to plan a lot of getaway trips with your besties. With that we introduce a betch’s favorite summer spot: Las Vegas.

Kim Kardashian

Vegas could not be a more perfect trip for a betch. Think Spring Break but with older, cooler people and no fear of getting arrested for not knowing some ridiculous third world country laws. (You don’t understand! My bestie said she was POSITIVE it was legal to buy ecstasy on the beaches of Mexico!!) Not only is Vegas a complete free for all where you can get whatever and whoever you want at any time of day or night, but this behavior is actually encouraged from the moment you arrive. There’s clubs, gambling, expensive restaurants, and some of the craziest looking people you’ve ever fucking seen. that 75 year-old woman with pink hair wearing a sign that says "$2 BJs?"

Okay, so it’s not the classiest place, but where better to show off our perfect bodies that we’ve been working on all winter than at Tao Beach Club, where we can tan, drink and party all day and night with people who are just as fucked up as we are?

Some betch haters and our parents might stress that Vegas is kind of an expensive vacation spot, which is true for most people. But wait, you’re a betch. You don’t pay for shit, you’re too hot! Paying for drinks and cover charges is for bros and fat people. Once they get to Vegas, most guys spend money like it's going out of style and you can bet your ass we’ll be along for that ride. Also, as a betch you’ll naturally know a multitude of club promoters or guys at bachelor parties who will practically pay you to grace them with your presence. Sure I’ll let some guy buy me a lap dance from a stripper at the Spearmint Rhino. I’m in Vegas! And I’m helping some girl get through UNLV!

One cardinal rule that every betch knows is that Vegas is the one place you do NOT go with your boyfriend. If you do you’re a fucking loser and you can go watch Celine Dion at Caesar’s with my grandpa and his third wife. No one wants to gamble and go to clubs with their boyfriend. It’s like a hemophiliac attending a blood drive. If you can't participate just stay the fuck away.


The betches who actually do gamble while in Vegas are fucking brilliant. While lamer betches are #23 pregaming in their hotel rooms, the gamblers are meeting bros, getting fucked up for free, and making money. The casino offers betches a place where a mere cut-out dress will have guys throwing chips in our direction. Betches: one step ahead of prostitutes.

Sin City is like Disney World for beautiful, fun people, so obviously every betch should be able to say that they’ve been. Kind of like crossing off all of the cities you pretended to tour while #3 abroad (Side note: the Venetian has replicas of all this shit compiled into one hotel! How dorbs!), every betch should hit up Vegas with her bestie group. Betches should get to Vegas before they’re too old to appreciate it for the shit show it really is. Remember, souvenir shopping at the Venetian isn’t quite the same when your previous night’s activity was seeing a Cirque du Soleil show with your husband and kids instead of raging poolside, getting laid.


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7 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    OMG totes weird, as soon as I started reading this post “Vegas” by Sarah Barielles came on my Pandora.

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    Just went to Vegas betches!!!!! Didn’t pay for anything and had the best time EVER!

    Posted on Reply
  3. Vegas Betch says:

    Vegas is the perf place for betches to party and live up our betchey lives. Love this post with one tiny exception, please don’t go to TAO beach - yuck! Whoever wrote this needs a vacay to Vegas to update her favorite pool party. Encore beach club is by far the best and betchest place to pool party on the strip. Wet Republic a close second. xoxo keep Vegas Betchey

    Posted on Reply
  4. Betch24 says:

    Yeah, fucking duh, Encore is the best pool party spot. Betches can hit up the upstairs cabanas for ultimate bachelor parties and unlimited free booze.  Then you can hang off the balcony and yell at the less hot people walking on the strip. They so wish they were you.

    Posted on Reply
  5. B says:

    I have in fact had a guy buy me not only a lapdance but private lapdance at spearmint rhino. Let me say, place is grimey.

    Posted on Reply
  6. honestly says:

    It is a FACT that those who travel to Vegas are overwhelming poor, uneducated members of the lower class. Betchy?

    Posted on Reply
  7. Gregory g betchey says:

    What a cluster of fuck me best dont come easy the best fuck u ever had

    Posted on Reply
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