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By The Betches on

It’s 3PM and the first time you’ve seen the light of day since 6am that morning when you rolled out of the club. You’re still wearing last night’s outfit and pretty sure you’re missing a heel and your dignity, but it doesn’t matter because your legs are looking skinnier than the pommes frites you didn’t eat last night.

As your French pro kisses you au revoir, you throw on your enormous sunglasses and as you pass the liquor store—hair of the dog, anyone?—you grab some vin just in case. Whatevs, rosé is about 8 Euros cheaper than Evian. It's almost like they want you to stay drunk.

You whip out your iPhone to text your besties (TG for global messaging!). Um, wtf was last night? Were midgets and pandas involved?

Bien sûr they were, betch, you’re in Paris.

 

Eiffel towerlOnly Paris could make this fugly tower gorg

 

When deciding how to spend time studying #3 abroad, betches have many options. Do you pull a Kate Moss and go to London? Do you #27 tan all day on a yacht in Barcelona? Or do you go to Paris, a place so betchy that is makes every other city seem as glamorous as Detroit?

Paris is a betchy city for countless reasons but mostly because everyone is so fucking #5 skinny. Like seriously, try being a healthy-sized borderline-ano girl in America and then get on the Paris Metro. Nothing will have you rethinking Laduree more than wondering what diet that blonde Frenchie is on, only to have her turn around and be a dude. If you haven’t lost your appetite yet, please just get off the train and watch the homeless men pee.

Ok, so like, full disclaimer, don’t eat anything in Paris because even though those baguettes look good they’re going straight to your ass. While your BMI might be considered "normal" in the US, in Paris you'll be known as a fat, lazy American girl. Take a hint from the French girls and alternate between smoking cigs and sipping Coke Light.

Oh, and if you’re thinking of going to the gym, bonne chance cause there are like, none.

Let's talk about shopping. Duh there are a lot of museums and cathedrals and shit in Paris to honor the Great Betch in the Sky, but what better museum to fill than your closest, n’est-ce pas?

The shoe department at the Galleries Lafayette is a must-do since it’s basically a betch's paradise. But unless your idea of heaven involves getting manhandled by Asian tourists in headsets, save your real shopping for Le Marais and the Rue Saint-Honoré. [Note to Asians: those headsets make you look like you’re working the drive-through at a BK Tokyo.] Grab yourself a new Goyard at their flagship store on your dad's black Amex, and be sure to scout Zadig and Voltaire for some tres chic new threads.

Which leads us to nightlife. A word to the wise, find a crew of Americans because most French people don’t know the meaning of blacking out. It’s like, if I wanted to drink one glass of wine every two hours I’d go to Bingo Night at my grandparents' in Palm Beach. Fucking duh.

 

man and woman kissingSo engrossed by the City of Love that she forgot to ask for his salary.

 

A true betch begins her night at Prescription or Le Bar at Plaza Anthenee, continue to Le Baron or VIP Room, and end at Rasputin. Well, actually, nights should end in some pro’s bed, but that part’s up to you. Also, if you’re not getting bottle service of Magnum Rosé at these clubs, you might as well not bother going, because like…who the fuck are you?

So the next time you’re ordering iced coffee at your local Starbs and find yourself in line behind some hideously dressed whale, get yourself to the airport stat. While the fat and ugly may have the rest of the world, betches, we’ll always have Paris.

 

47 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Parischic says:

    Ew no.VIP???? Are you kidding that’s disgusting the only time its acceptable to go to VIP is in st tropez. No one who goes to le baron would EVER go there. Yuck

    Posted on Reply
  2. jessica says:

    LOVE this post! It’s about time that i take another trip to this betchy city.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    Love Paris and this site but Laduree is not La Duree, it’s Laduree. And Galleries Lafayette is for nice girls, try Paris Fashion week, then calling your stylist/gay best friend to get your orders in. Also, side note, Zadig and Voltaire is gross. Like if I wanted clothes of that quality I would’ve gone to Target or been poor. VIP Room is definitely for French/Arab/Italian guidos who’ve recently moved on from Queen and Buddah Bar to bigger and better things. Not chic.
    But nonetheless Thank You for finally paying homage to the betchiest city on earth. Like literally everything, everywhere, and everyone is fucking gorg. and super skinny. Keys to surviving as an American in Paris: learn french, never eat (duh), and be really rude and bitchy. and the best part about never eating is that 3 glasses of Dom and you’re good for the night.

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  4. Anonymous says:

    Currently studying abroad in Paris and this could not be more spot on. One of your best.

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  5. FromParis says:

    EWWWWWWWW VIP ROOM ?? Nooo DONT GO THERE, im french and trust me thats the worst club. But le Baron and Raspoutine are good

    Posted on Reply
  6. Lawyer Betch says:

    Finally a post to the bechiest city ever! 8 years of French and an entire year abroad there was probs the best idea ever. Can’t wait to finally go back!

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  7. Anonymous says:

    @Parischic : i completely agree, you’re 100% right

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  8. ParisParis says:

    This article is a stereotype, well at least for nightlife ! Never get a magnum of rosé at a club, thats ridiculous and it means you’re a tourist, definitely. You should have interviewed a french girl before writting this article grin

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anon says:

    love the Anastasia reference!

    Posted on Reply
  10. cbizzle says:

    Paris is so Betchy and Sami lost the hash

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    As great as this city is…betches, it sounds like you only watched a movie about the fucking city, have you ever even been?  God, it’s like you’re doing the entire goddamn La Ville-Lumière a disservice by writing this shit.  VIP Room?!  Shame.

    Posted on Reply
  12. ParisBetch says:

    *au revoir
    *Galeries Lafayette
    *Coca Light
    *le Marais

    Otherwise, sort of right. You missed Avenue Montaigne, and this betch, at least, loves Pont des Arts.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Audrey says:

    I was in France this summer, and this is so spot on. Literally, I mean here we go out to lunch or get fro yo with our besties, but there it’s completely acceptable to spend three hours in front of a restaurant drinking “Coca Light” and smoking Marlboro Lights.

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  14. Anonymous says:

    Americans speaking French is so effing hilarious

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  15. anonymous says:

    L’Arc is where all the celebrities party and where getting a bottle is not enough to be considered a betch. You must get to the VIP area and party with all the sexy French models and celebrities

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    Yep. Seconded.

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  17. Anonymous says:

    I just can’t bring myself to actually do the work to learn French to the point of being fluent…

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  18. Paris vet says:

    This is too perfect.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    I was in Paris all summer this is so great!! Paris is definitely the betchiest city there is!!

    Posted on Reply
  20. Paris Betch says:

    Ya agree, only V.I.P. Room that rocks is in Saint Tropez with all the yachts and celebs. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    absolutely correct, i love paris!

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    love this and love paris

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    it’s coca light not “Coke Light.” Coke light makes you seem like an American wanna-be Parisian who can’t speak French at all but tries and fails. This article typifies how to stand out as an American, which is the exact opposite of what a true betch would do.

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  24. Anonymous says:

    Galleries Lafayette? Please betch. Il s’appelle Le Bon Marché.

    Posted on Reply
  25. Newport betch says:

    Um, hello betches, no mention of Champs Elysee?? I’m ashamed. The fucking best LV in the world is housed on that street along with a mil other fantastic stores. My last time in Paris, I stayed at the Sofitel Arc de Triomphe so that I could walk a block to this street each “morning.” I can’t believe there was nothing about it…

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    • A says:

      um, no.

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      • Wow says:

        Are you kidding me? Maybe if you wanted to be groped by poor tourists who aren’t even there to shop…

        Posted on Reply
  26. Anonymous says:

    No.. no. the french trying to speak english is hilarious. I know plenty of Americans in paris who speak perfect french. And if youre going to make a general statement, you have to throw in, all english speakers. I know plenty of austrailians and english who cant speak french well either. terrible comment of you. No justification… just a ignorant general statement. sad.

    Posted on Reply
  27. Anonymous says:

    Ew. What is wrong with you that you can’t find native Frenchies to black out with in Paris?!

    Posted on Reply
  28. Anonymous says:

    oh yeah they should have totally included Champs with its trash-tastic Abercrombie store…

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    ‘if I wanted to drink one glass of wine every two hours I’d go to Bingo Night at my grandparents’ in Palm Beach. Fucking duh.’ ...er if you were as skinny as you pretend to be you’d only need a large glass of wine to be drunk enough besides what’s the point in lauding the class of Parisians if you’re going to be so bourgeois

    Posted on Reply
  30. Anonymous says:

    it’s not an anastasia reference. they just misspelled raspoutine

    Posted on Reply
  31. M says:

    You left out Yves Saint Laurent cigarettes

    Posted on Reply
  32. Anonymous says:

    uhhh to whoever wrote this.. have you even actually been to paris? clearly not… fail.

    Posted on Reply
  33. Anonymous says:

    Uhhh clearly they have! You must be a dumb betch.

    Posted on Reply
  34. Anonymous says:

    This has been the best abroad post yet!

    Posted on Reply
  35. Anonymous says:

    L’Arc is THE club to be at in Paris, lately No Comment has also been getting a lot of attention, Raspoutine is only cool in the winter, VIP room is def no, only places to shop are ave montaigne, rue st honore or le bon marche….saw a comment about LV on the Champs, absolutely not, only for tourist, most french people dont even buy LV, if you want to be chic in Paris, you carry hermes balenciaga YSL or chanel…and american girls, pls learn how to dress yourself, you might know designers, but the difference is the way you assemble yourself…. and why was L’Avenue not mentioned??? that’s about the betchiest place to have lunch or dinner in all of Paris…

    Posted on Reply
  36. Anonymous says:

    To all you American betches in Paris, don’t even bother. Go home. You’re not fooling anybody.

    Posted on Reply
  37. Anonymous says:

    Um all you fuckin betches, who are you? Currently, I am sitting in my apartment in Le Marais laughing at all of your fucking dumb comments.

    1) VIP Room is not cool at all. Agreed. Le Baron is the shit.

    2) Galleries Lafayettes? What are you, Chinese? Only tourists would go anywhere near that crowded clusterfuck shithole, especially during Christmas. Le Bon Marché is where its at. It has no crowds and is a million times more chic.

    3) I go to Sci Po-of which all French Presidents are alumni-and everyone blacks out every weekend so not sure what crowd you are running in.

    4) Baguettes are a daily staple, even for the thinnest. All you do is drink wine for the rest of the day to make up for it though, fucking duh. It’s Paris, everyone eats the food, unless you’re poor.

    Please actually go to Paris betches before you comment.

    Posted on Reply
  38. Anon says:

    Old Cuban at the Prescription. Do it.

    Posted on Reply
  39. Anonymous says:

    Im currently in Paris and so far ive had no problem figuring out where to go on Fridays and Saturdays but where are the best places to go on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays!?

    Posted on Reply
  40. Anonymous says:

    VIP was gross even six years ago….

    Posted on Reply
  41. Anonymous says:

    Seriously disappointing, only things you got right were raspoutine and MAYBE le marais, avenue montaigne should have absolutely been mentioned unless you’re poor betches who can’t afford it… as for night summer time - bagatelle, or terrazza martini where you can dance with models on a rooftop overlooking the city, winter - cirque. i eat baguette for breakfast every morning and you wish you could be as skinny as me.  you’ve clearly never been to paris, hop on a plane betches.

    Posted on Reply
  42. Anonymous says:

    You missed the betchiest event in Paris…bal des fucking princesses…you wear a corset and get blackout in a CASTLE surrounded by sexy frenchies with swords…obviously you weren’t invited

    Posted on Reply
  43. betch perplexe says:

    God, how old are you? Le bal des princesses is for 30 smthing creeps. And you can buy your entry at every other café!

    Posted on Reply
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