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By The Betches on

Fat Tuesday has finally arrived, and while that name disgusts us more than the stretch-marked strippers who are currently occupying Bourbon Street, we feel it's long overdue that we explore this crazy ass party city.

While nice girls and Brad Pitt may think of NOLA as a devastated place in #63 America ravished by former Betch of the Week Hurricane Irene's acne-ridden stepsister Hurricane Katrina years ago, for betches, the city has one meaning. It's just one big fucking party. Miley said it once and we're going to say it again, Party in the USA, betches. Basically Mardi Gras or "carnival season" is a joke. No one really knows what it's about, other than a great excuse for the entire city to shut down and party for a straight month. Seriously how else do you think they bounced back from Katrina so fast? They're clearly accustomed to shit being blacked out long-term.

 

mardi grasDoes this bead make me look fat?

 

Part of the reason we love Mardi Gras so much is because it reminds us of what it's like to live in a country that is a complete free for all, similar to how we felt when we were #3 abroad. Like, what kind of civilized American city makes the responsible decision to abandon open container laws permanently? Definitely one we want to hang out in. We wonder if they can they drop out of school out age 10 too? ...Apparently not, based on the synchronized mass of little minority kids in the high school marching bands playing in all the parades but like, maybe I dreamt that.

Anyway, like with all areas of life, a betch celebrates Mardi Gras a bit differently than the people on Bourbon Street, where it's impossible to walk and you can't help but get flashed by fat drunk TGF sluts. (Side note: we're coining a new term for Mardi. "TGB," Tryna Get Beads. There's no reason to ever flash someone for beads other than for the sake of the story, like, there are beads all over the fucking floor).

 

mardi gras

 

A true betch has a balcony overlooking Bourbz and gets to nail poor people with beads while watching the debauchery from a higher tier with classier people. That or she'll party at some frat spot alongside the parade, or with her besties who are visiting from Emory or Vandy. Mardi Gras outfit planning is a special stressor that's unique to Tulane betches, but it's likely that if you go here, you have an arsenal of purple, green, and gold attire that you've been rotating since you visited as a pre-frosh.

So happy Fat Tues betches, enjoy your week of being so blackout you barely notice the white trash who are peeing and vomming all over themselves. Luckily there's a shit ton of fat strippers around to remind you of the perils of going anywhere near "king cake" this week.

 

29 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    i fucking love NOLA solely for the fact that i honestly don’t even know what happened to me while i was down there. luckily all my frat daddy friends were there to protect me, but still…. no fucking idea what happened. can’t wait to go back

    Posted on Reply
  2. Erina J says:

    So while i like tots love this post, ummmm the repeat of words is seriously making my head hurt…proof reading please college educated betches!

    Posted on Reply
  3. Tulane Betch says:

    “Mardi Gras outfit planning is a special stressor that’s unique to Tulane betches, but it’s likely that if you go here, you have an arsenal of purple, green, and gold attire that you’ve been rotating since you visited as a pre-frosh.” sooo true.

    Posted on Reply
  4. MissM says:

    Mardi Gras is called Fat Tuesday cuz it’s the day when nice girls pig out on cookies and ice cream before attempting to do what betches do every day while we get a “reason” to get totally wasted on a Tuesday (as if we need an excuse). The point is that it’s the day before Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent, which basically just gives us 40 days of having our anorexia protected as freedom of religion. And asserts our superiority over everyone else,obv.
    “Oh I’m not eating, I gave up meals for Lent.”

    Posted on Reply
  5. Pardi Betch says:

    I just jet setted back to school from Nola and this post is completely on point.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Tulane betch says:

    so unbetchy to pick beads up off the streets. every real NOLA betch knows that.

    Posted on Reply
  7. SEC betch says:

    While it’s betchy to go to Vandy because your dad is rich, no one who is betchy actually goes to Emory. Emory is full of those nice girls who don’t understand anything about Mardi Gras or blacking out

    Posted on Reply
  8. Nola Veteran says:

    First of all, Emory is so not betchy. Secondly, The balconies above “bourbz” are for creepy 40 year old perverts.  Betches are waayyy to busy to be looking at fat people all weeked. Thursday is spent at some #sorority sisters debutante ball of which she may or may not be the Queen.  Friday is spent eating lunch at Bourbon House and then going to bourbon for #day-drinking, only staying long enough to #blackout. Betches only hit the parades on St.Charles never to return to that vomit filled Bourbon St.white trash hellhole.  Saturday only #house parties in the garden district and uptown, more parades, more black outs. Oh and you forgot the necessary 5am #public make-out with some LSU #pro upstairs at F&Ms; while the group photog is taking blackout pictures of everyone in their Perlis shirts.

    Posted on Reply
  9. lsu says:

    ^this post is right on point. being an lsu student myself and being in a sorority with mostly girls from NOLA, i know how to experience mg like a true citizen. like every girl in my sorority had her deb ball this weekend and we spend mg on st charles at frat’s tailgates…not on bourbon with all the gross people/foreigners/non-whites.  well put nola veteran

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    Whoever wrote this has either never been to Mardi Gras or is not a true betch. Every Nola betch knows that bourbon street is absolutely forbidden especially during Mardi Gras season. And Fat Tuesday is nothing in comparison to the Saturday and Sunday before. And while Mardi Gras is a great excuse to consume excessive amount of liquid calories, no betch will eat on the parade routes. You catch a bag of hot fries or a moon pie and that is the only food you plan on consuming for the whole day. If you are not blackout drunk by noon, then you have failed. I invite every betch who hates on New Olreans or Mardi Gras to come experience the weekend on parades. Hunter boots, leggings, aviators, and perlis mardi gras polo required.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    Spot on. St. Charles is where it’s at. Like, who wants to watch a parade squished between two gross, fat tourists on Bourbon in your totally cute and original Perlis Mardi Gras Rugby?? Not this betch.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    That’s not to say that NOLA betches don’t appreciate the shout out about the greatest city ever from the head betches! Great post even if not 100% accurate. Laissez les bons temps rouler.

    Posted on Reply
  13. LSU Betch says:

    totes agree with this

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    hahahah 5am makeout at F&Ms; soo true

    Posted on Reply
  15. International Betch says:

    Eww… every betch knows that real carnivals are held in Venice, Viareggio or Paris. Have fun partying with fuglies.

    Posted on Reply
  16. LABetchstuckinNOLA says:

    Loves it! this post was awesome. This city is so unbetchy most of the time. The only time it’s acceptable to be here is during Mardi Gras. I’m forced to live here for a few years thanks to my husband being in med school at Tulane, and it SUCKS! but thanks for the city shout out betches! you just made this place a little more betchy

    Posted on Reply
  17. Embetch says:

    Emory is casually betchier than Tulane so like, lols to the above posts. Owned the boot mardi weekend, so like sorry we’re not sorry.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Nola native says:

    While I love the main betch’s post, this is SPOT ON! Shout out to Perlis, St. Charles, F&Ms;, LSU, Bourbon House and more! I absolutely love you betch!

    Posted on Reply
  19. tulanebetch says:

    Umm, I’m pretty sure Emory is in no way betchier than Tulane. We go hard especially hard during Mardi Gras, but during the regular school year, we get blackout like, five times a fucking week. Don’t even try to outparty the betches who live in NOLA; it won’t work.

    Posted on Reply
  20. you suck says:

    “This city is so unbetchy”...I’m sure no one in NOLA wants you there anyway if you’re hating on what is unquestionably one of the greatest cities in the country. If you’re husband’s only in med school and you’re already married, I can only assume that you belong in some tiny boring town with your boring husband. Leave New Orleans to people who know how to have fun, no one will miss you. What a non-betch!

    Posted on Reply
  21. Micky9091 says:

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    Posted on Reply
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  23. THATnolaBETCH says:

    lol “owning the boot” is equivalent to claiming ownership of one of the port-o-potties on a cross street parallel to st. charles.  It’s disgusting and about as unbetchy as it gets. Sorry embitch.

    Posted on Reply
  24. Ughhhh says:

    This post kills me every time. Written by someone who clearly knows nothing about NOLA or Mardi Gras. A true betch would NEVER go to Bourbon during parade season and you don’t even touch on the white tie balls.

    This is one of the worst, betches.

    Posted on Reply
  25. LSU says:

    F&Ms; is everythinggggggg during Mardi Gras. St. Charles. White Rugby Perlis shirt. Bloody Marys. LSU boys. Mardi Gras is life.

    PS. To the Tulane girls who wear crop tops/paint yourselves gold whilst wearing a gold bikini/wear clothes that don’t cover your fat rolls, please consider wearing more clothes. Or maybe workout. Or go back to Connecticut. XOXO

    Posted on Reply
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