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By The Betches on

Ugh, so we're at that point in the fall when people start giving us dirty looks for wearing flip flops and holding iced coffee. It's just totes not cool to be in summer denial anymore. But rather than cry every morning over her fading tan, a true betch just deals with it, gets a spray tan, gets over the fact that her increasing hunger is just an evolutionary sign of winter and not a red flag that she may be prego, and books a winter getaway or two, courtesy of dad.

The fact is that some betches can't handle being cold no matter what, so they flock to tropical locales like Aruba or Cabo for their winter vacas. Omg, it's totally safe! The Mexican killer-rapists are like bears and my grandma, they hibernate in the winter. But there are some elite betches who choose to escape to the star-studded ski town of the west: Aspen.

nick and mariah

This is the winter destination for the betch who doesn't give a shit about being tan. We know this is a weird concept but take a look at Ginnifer Goodwin, judging by her name you'd think her mother thought she was pregnant with a tree or like, a tall Fern or something, but instead she got a decent-looking pale celeb. Anyway, if you can secure a parking spot at Aspen private airport, hit up Aspen Mountain for some quality ski apres ski time at AJAX Tavern. Moncler or Kjus jackets required for access. If you're not trying to hotbox the ganjola on your ride up, you should at least assume the role as your besties' ski poles holder as they light up.

Aspen is a betchy epicenter for very clear reasons. A pure-bred Aspen betch has been skiing since before she could fit into baby Uggs. She now skis the Highland Bowl and drops a few Ks at Prada after apres. Yeah, who thought people still shop at Prada, maybe it's a western kinda thing. Omg I absolutely just need that Perforated Saffiano for tonights rodeo!

But aside from the fact that skiing is an extremely betchy sport (which we'll explore at a later time), Aspen is a place to see and be seen. Walk out your door and you'll see more fur than animals, worn by women with skin so leathery you'd think it just rubbed off the minks they're always wearing.

Since Aspen's small, you're guaranteed at least one celeb sighting of the Aspen regulars - Paris, Kate and Goldie, Heidi and Seal, Mariah Carey's babies (chillin at Joan Boyce while their daddy Nick Cannon gets carded), blah blah blah. But fuck that, you're more important, betches don't get starstruck, and the papz are flosers.

 

fatal attractionNot the only kind of snow in Aspen

 

But winter in Aspen isn't all about relaxing inside your warm mansion on Red Mountain after a day on the slopes. A betch looking for a good time will hit up the Caribou Club until she realizes that the only Pros there could be old enough to play golf with my grandpa over a bottle of age-old scotch, or whatever the fuck old men do. Meanwhile, the sedated betchy moms watch as their husbands try to pick up the 20 year old betches ("Want to come check out my Aston, you can also check out my..ski pole"), while obliviously wondering about more important things like how to get a last-minute res at Cache Cache, or a medical marijuana card without her kids finding out. When Caribou starts to get creepy, which is almost always immediately, retreating to the Little Nell hot tub with your winter break fling should clearly be your next move.

Aspen is a winter paradise for any betch. Even those who can't ski can easily occupy their time between shopping, celeb-stalking, and blacking out. If you're not skiing, you'll do lunch at Mezzaluna and a spa day at The Aspen Club. Though the betches who choose the mountains over the beach may be pasty, they're definitely not fucking jealous. And face it, Vail's lame, and if you're only in Aspen for the X Games, you're probs poor.

 

77 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    It’s not a city, it’s a town

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    Not that Aspen isn’t a major betch epicenter in the winter, but Park City is arguable just as betchy if not more. Aspen is awesome, but nothing compares to the celeb pilgrimage, aka the Sundance Film Festival, to Park City every January. Main Street turns into a who’s who of the hottest and most spoiled actors on earth. Walk into any of the old-town bars or pop-up clubs and you will be sure to find yourself a Pro. And a betch better not think about staying anywhere but Deer Valley aka the epitome of betch ski life- the Canyons and Park City Resort are for the celebs’ assistants and the homeless. And not that many betches really care, but Utah has better snow than Colorado, aka less #work

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    Really? you’re gonna go that far and try to correct them on their classification of Aspen? Like a town and a city are that different anyways.

    You’re weak.

    Posted on Reply
  4. But.... says:

    I agree with you that PC is epicly betchy but the whole Mormon contingency is bullshit and obvious when it’s not Sundance.  Pro central is Jackson.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    And the numerical betchy rating is…? Since it’s not relevant year-round it shouldn’t score as high as NYC, LA, or Miami even if it is a seriously condensed betchfest. Plus the lack of adequate nightlife is annoying. Blacking out at the same three places affords one a bad rep.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    Park City—> Utah—> Mormons—> NOT BETCHY

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    True, Mormons definitely make the state of Utah less-betchy, but in reality PC is a sort of excused from the general Mormon-ness. The majority of people who live in PC aren’t Mormon (there’s a massive Catholic Church) so as long as you stay out of the boonies and downtown SLC, you’ll be safe from them…

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    Jackson’s for the poors.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    plus being cold burns more cals

    Posted on Reply
  10. doesnt matter says:

    I love that yall finally chose Aspen; however, there are a few mistakes.
    1. Mezzaluna sucks ass. The only thing good there are the hot waiters.
    2. You totally forgot to mention how wierdly “green” the town is, like everyone own atleast one hybrid.
    3. You also forgot to mention O2. The best place for pilates and yoga and to showcase your finest work out outfits!
    4. Also, you definitely need to include that if you spend any time at Boogie’s then you clearly don’t winter or summer there.
    5. Also, Mariah Carey wears the most atrocious winter coats.

    but other than that the article was good.

    Posted on Reply
  11. doesnt matter says:

    Also, if you want to appear “eco-friendly” and attract some hott pro whos in to hiking and shit, definitely go to the farmer’s market on Saturday. It takes up like three blocks, oh wait thats half of the entire downtown.

    Posted on Reply
  12. ColoradoBetch says:

    Beaver Creek’s motto is “Not exactly roughing it” and it is way betchier. BC is place to go if you don’t care about seeing celebrities but end up seeing a few anyway.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Grammar Police says:

    It is “anyway”,  NEVER “anyways”.

    Posted on Reply
  14. ihateginnifergoodwin says:

    how many nice girl roles can she play? kate hudson’s loser friend, snow fucking white, and of course, desperate gigi in he’s just not that into you. she’s almost as bad as anne fucking hathaway… come on betches, seriousllly??!

    Posted on Reply
  15. Really? says:

    Umm.. Last time I checked calling yourself “Grammar Police” was trying a little too hard. Why the fuck are you even on this website?

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    Whats more betchy than beaver creeks mottoo… Aspens news paper’s motto “if you don’t want it printed, don’t let it happen”
    ZG4LyfeBetchez

    Posted on Reply
  17. skisnob says:

    deer valley is by far the betchest. the don’t even allow snowboarders on the mountain, and have people to carry all of your ski shit around for you, crack your lobster at the seafood buffet, and blow your fucking nose at the lift. basically its the only way to ski, heavy emphasis on the talisker lounge for apres ski shwasted. plus everyone knows that there are no mormons in park city, and the place is flooded with pros and hot ski bums, which Aspen is seriously lacking

    Posted on Reply
  18. local says:

    It actually is the city of Aspen….next time you try to correct someone make sure you’re actually right. Betch.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    While Aspen’s great, I’m more a Sun Valley person

    Posted on Reply
  20. Sarah says:

    Who the fuck cares if your bitchy..your daddys prob got you into wake forest…get a life you’re a joke and your posts have sucked for 2 months now..

    Posted on Reply
  21. shelsterrr says:

    I totes agree with you about Beaver Creek, also- Breckenridge is pretty fabb with a one betch to nine pro/bro ratio and has like a million bars which is perf for partying/blackingout. and its deff cold enough for fur

    Posted on Reply
    • haha says:

      haha breck? you must be a piece of fuckin methed out white trash, fuck breck.  Aspen…DUHHHHH

      Posted on Reply
      • ZGHizzy says:

        I dunno, I sometimes kinda like banging boys you never run into again, and you can give a fake name to. Breck is good for that.
        Ase does have the on-snow veuve bars now, so there’s THAT.

        Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    Totes! Been skiing there for spring break for like 10 years. And for the betch that actually likes to ski, there is better terrain. And BC is way easier to get weed.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    Teton County has the highest per capita income in the USA… im pretty sure that doesnt equal poors.  Nice try though.

    Posted on Reply
  24. Concerned Resident says:

    Hi, I was born in Aspen and have lived here my entire life. And frankly we don’t want you guys to come here. Looking back up to the comments you are petty, shallow and clueless individuals. Locals and people who actually knowAspen don’t want you here because of how you act. Aspen isn’t about any of the things you rave about. Coming to Aspen is an experience that stays with people who visit for their entire lives. It’s sad that you poor people don’t understand the true meaning of visiting Aspen. And I’m not even going to waste the time it would take to explain it to you.

    Posted on Reply
  25. bleh says:

    betch been told.

    Posted on Reply
  26. PaleBetch says:

    I’m a pale betch and I agree.  Goodwin???  Definitely anne level.  He’s just not that into you made me want to slit my wrists, not because of the message but because of her whiny frumpiness.  Pale betches: January Jones, Olivia Wilde, Marcia Cross, Amy Adams in The Fighter. 
    I digress…

    Posted on Reply
  27. informed says:

    There are PLENTY of nightlife spots…and who wouldn’t want to go to Aspen year-round? Having a home there since I was three, there is nothing that could possibly make Aspen irrelevant, no matter what the season is. Obviously you haven’t had the opportunity to frequent Aspen, therefore you are sadly misinformed. The Betches know what they’re talking about.

    Posted on Reply
  28. shutup says:

    I MEAN they say IRREGARDLESS even though its regardless. so whatever. get over it.

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    It is a city, look it up.

    Posted on Reply
  30. Aspen Resident says:

    I was born and raised in Aspen, the people who have actually lived and spent time in Aspen know, it isn’t about how much money you have, what car you drive, or how many fur coats you have. That shit is for the Tourists. You will see more Subaru’s and Jeep’s than anything, of coarse there are Land Rovers everywhere. But Aspen is having the best time possible. Everyone in Aspen is friendly, the weed is amazing, the girls are absolutely gorgeous, and the parties are amazing. If you want to see some live music go to Belly Up Aspen, and while you are there in the winter why not check out a High School Hockey or Basketball game. See some real Aspenites.

    Posted on Reply
  31. Anonymous says:

    sweety, you reek of nice girl, so please get off of this site and go hug a fucking tree or something. no betch in her right mind would live in aspen year round. and fraaankly, i sense a little jealousy of all the non-pastey betches that vaca there. were prettier than you, we out-drink you, and we swoop up the pros youve been trying to score a date with all fucking year. get used to it.

    Posted on Reply
  32. NotBlind says:

    “The Mexican killer-rapists” ..... wow.

    Posted on Reply
  33. PR Betch says:

    “Aspen isn’t about any of the things you rave about. Coming to Aspen is an experience that stays with people who visit for their entire lives.”

    Sounds like you’re afraid this article will have a negative impact on tourism in Aspen.  Are you a lackey for the tourism industry?  If so, you need to work on your marketing skills.

    Posted on Reply
  34. Anonymous says:

    ..no one cares

    Posted on Reply
  35. Anonymous says:

    I have been going to Aspen every single year for Christmas Vacation since I was 3 months old. My family has had a house there for 20 years and it is the best place to ski in the country. I am obsessed with Mezzaluna, but the best place to have dinner is Campo de Fiori. And so all of you know, the best parties in Aspen are the ones at private residences, not at the Caribou Club. My parents go to the Caribou Club….. no thanks

    Posted on Reply
  36. doubleK says:

    if this is your version of ski/board life i feel pretty bad for you, come to whistler if you really want to know what the fuck is up betches

    Posted on Reply
  37. lily says:

    i stopped reading after the “yall”..the south is sooo not betchy you fucking hick

    Posted on Reply
  38. KappaKlassyG says:

    HAHAHAHA Amy Adams…betchy

    but seriously, no.

    Posted on Reply
  39. a few things says:

    1. a true betch would NEVER lunch at Mezz, ONLY Montagna or Tavern, DUH…and a spa day at the aspen club? you have to be kidding. REMEDS SPA @ ST REGIS!
    2. commentors; chill out, this is meant to be funny…

    Posted on Reply
  40. breckenbetch says:

    agreed, love breckenridge. much better for younger betches looking for bros/pros. my besties and i actually went last winter vacation with my pro boyfriend and some of his fraternity bros.

    Posted on Reply
  41. Anonymous says:

    Mehhh incorrect. I am from Vancouver and while of course I love whistler for weekend getaways, BC and Aspen are both far betchier. Whistler can be so grungy with all the snowboarders in size XXL ski pants.

    Posted on Reply
  42. Deer Valley betch says:

    you’re right…the only things missing from my past vacations have been the lack of local high school sporting events.

    Posted on Reply
  43. Anonymous says:

    vail is underrated betchy

    Posted on Reply
    • skiingbetch says:

      Are you kidding me by saying Vail is lame?? Vail has some of the best skiing and it’s where the real skiiers go not the wannabe Aspen betches. Vail better be mentioned in the skiing post as one of the best places to ski. I bet you girls don’t even ski…....

      Posted on Reply
  44. Anonymous says:

    to the betch above who said no one would lunch at mezza and chooses remede spa every time, bravo. you know Aspen like a true betch.

    and to the writers: mariah carey and prada? ew. when’s the last time you were even in Aspen, 1998?

    Posted on Reply
  45. Anonymous says:

    But aside from the fact that skiing is an extremely betchy sport (which we’ll explore at a later time)


    sooooooo true. betchy sports post please!

    Posted on Reply
  46. Anonymous says:

    Fucking nailed it on January Jones. New betch of the week?

    Posted on Reply
  47. Anonymous says:

    are you kidding or are you just a fucking pasty liberal? the south is totes betchy…. you’re actually a fucking idiot- TCU, SMU, UT- betchy epicenters of the south

    Posted on Reply
  48. Anonymous says:

    JJ is SO BETCHY i love it… When asked if she started modeling to prove to other bitches that she was pretty, she said:

    “Where are you getting this shit? It sounds like something I might have said when I was, like, 15. The bitches in high school were bitches because I was pretty.”

    Posted on Reply
  49. Anonymous says:

    Its a “Betches Love this City” not a “Betchography”, there is no numerical rating - amateur

    Posted on Reply
  50. Anonymous says:

    Aspen only has 675 skiable acres.. Vail has over 5,000 and Beaver Creek has almost 2,000. Why waste your time getting cut off by inexperienced, new money skiers on straight up ice? There are tons of amazing places to stay in Eagle County and they aren’t invaded by wannabes

    Posted on Reply
  51. Anonymous says:

    aspen is amazing, anyone who says otherwise is an idiot.  Remade is definitely the spa to go to, and the pool at the St. Regis is the place to do lunch. If you are listing restaurants didn’t you forget: Nobu Matsuhisa?!?!? or maybe poppycocks, BB’s, or Il Mulino. you betches are clearly amateurs….

    Posted on Reply
  52. skiiiing says:

    Vail has a lot more of a relaxed vibe with better trails. The back bowls are untouchable. Aspen is nice but in a different way. If you just don’t give a fuck and want to escape, hit up vail. If you want to see and be seen and live like you pretty much do every day when you’re not vacaing(if you are a true betch, hailing from NYC,LA,MIA,and the likes…) hit up aspen.

    Skiiing is always betchy, regardless of which kind of a ‘trip’ you use this word to mean.

    Posted on Reply
  53. alanna says:

    i’m sure you’re really nice and all, but it appears that the educational system in aspen is probs why people only go there for vacation.  of “coarse”?

    Posted on Reply
  54. Anonymous says:

    what about beaver creek? its the betchiest

    Posted on Reply
  55. Anonymous says:

    i agree completely

    Posted on Reply
  56. atownallthewaydown says:

    ummm ive never heard of any “celebrities” in Utah. Who the fuck likes Utah besides Brigham Young? You Mormon brainwashed idiots. Utah has better snow than Colorado? What in the hell is wrong with you? Maybe you should come to Colorado and try out the snow before you give your opinion. No place on earth that holds a dessert climate in the summer could ever measure up to “better snow than aspen”. Aspen has the best snow in the world you ignorant polygamist. Glad you think Utah is so cool but its not, you guys are hated by the world for holding the highest mormon population. Sure Park City and etc are great ski towns but how dare you say Utah is better than Colorado…....shows what an idiot you Mormons really are….go fuck one of your many wives and marry off one of your 18 children your state and religion are a disgrace to America. You think your snow is better than Aspen if that makes you feel better…have fun with that.

    Posted on Reply
  57. ski betch says:

    I’m a total ski betch don’t get me wrong, i’ve traveled to all the worth while ski resorts out west; including Aspen.  But to call Vail of all places lame? not at all accurate.  Now don’t get me wrong i had the most successful apres-ski shopping while i was in Aspen.  But for the true ski betches, Vail provides the perfect “down to earth” ambiance while recuperating at the Arrabelle or Four Seasons. And the Vail Cascade has got to be the betchiest hotel in Vail with its own private chairlift, because they know betches have better ski gear that deserves better seats. Among other resorts i agree that Park City even though the skiing is nice…is not at all fit for a betch like Deer Valley is.  Other resorts where betches flock include Beaver Creek, Telluride, Jackson Hole, and Sun Valley.
    Cant wait for the skiing post

    Posted on Reply
  58. olivia says:

    olivia wilde is such a betch.

    Posted on Reply
  59. Anonymous says:

    bode totes reinvented skiing for bros. snowboarding is so 2006

    Posted on Reply
  60. Anonymous says:

    nice catch on the “coarse”

    Posted on Reply
  61. Zona says:

    This is fantastic and everything but you are missing the betchiest of all places: Scottsdale, Arizona.

    Posted on Reply
  62. Austen Chalmers says:

    There is a clear fucking difference between a town and a city you idiot. Obviously you are one of the poor people mentioned in the article that has never been to Aspen or anywhere like it. You can walk from one end of Aspen to the other in under 20 minutes, while trying to do that in a city like Houston would take hours and you might get shot or raped. So get your facts right you poor dumb idiot.

    Posted on Reply
  63. Anonymous says:

    Every true betch knows that Aspen/Snowmass is the shit. Only poor wannabe betches go to polygamist places like…Utah..*gag*

    Posted on Reply
  64. Molly says:

    You should do one on Dallas!!!!

    Posted on Reply
  65. Victoire says:

    What about KENICHI???

    Posted on Reply
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