Tracker Pixel for Entry
By The Betches on

Despite the party involved, and by party we mean Ashton sexy-as-fuck Kutcher, we weren't exactly caught like a betch in headlights after learning of the Kutchmoore divorce. However, we're a bit skeptical that this is a simple cheat-and-breakup situation. Now bros, don't get all excited that we're immediately blaming the woman after the man cheats. Like "girl power" my ass, we're not the fucking powder puff girls.

But still, you just know that when there's entities like Kaballah and Nikon cool pix involved, there's something else going on. A 15-year age gap with Kyle Richards' twin does not a golden anniversary make.

So in honor of the Demi/Ashton mother/son split, we present the official broast of Ashton Kutcher.

ashtonCall the police! A hobo has stolen my car and iPhone!

Before we get into Ashton's riveting roles and his Golden Globes Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards, we must first delve into his most recent role in that movie called "tweeting uneducated shit about sexual abuse at Penn State," a spellbinding tale of a young male starlet who just wants to tweet and be heard, but can't because his evil management and PR team must do it for him. A modern day Cinderella story.

 

No but seriously, the guy can't tweet for himself anymore because of one little mistake? What happened to our First Amendment right? The candidates have something to think about for the 2012 election, perhaps the next step is amending the amendment to include a clause about freedom of tweeting. Betches for President.

Back to Ashton's life outside of the digital world, sure he's about to separate from Demi, who we will personally come after if she dare lay her single veiny paws on Mauricio, but let's talk about the fact that Ashton is also now single. He's like 6 foot 5 with a swimmers body and a contract with CBS that might as well add 2 inches to his penis. Even though his creepy stare reminds us of a possessed Jesus Christ, we just hope he won't go go all cliché on us and go for Blake Lively. That blonde ship may not yet have sailed but it's still boring as fuck. Honestly we' be more intrigued if he went for Helen Mirren. At least she doesn't have a fugly daughter son named Rumer.

ashtonAnd now they're in 2 diff movies about the same exact thing

Anyway, Ashton has casually been in a shit ton of movies we love. No Strings Attached, What Happens in Vegas, Dude Where's My Car, etc. But now that we think about it, it's all the same goddamn character. This cute ditzy guy who falls in love with a girl. Okay, maybe in Dude Where's My Car he suffers from some brain damage, and in Butterfly Effect he's wheeling around all confused and shit, but regardless, it's all the same fucking person. Replace him with a female and you've got Anna Faris.

 

All of this goes without saying that we think it's fucking weird that he started dating 41-year-old Demi when he was 25. If Ashton's own Twitter scandal taught us anything, it's that we're not allowed to insert any pedophiliac jokes here...but boy did she rob that cradle. Oh Ashton, if you start dating Lea Michelle after New Years Eve comes out (vom) and go through some broadway phase, we sincerely hope that you'll come out on stage and tell us we got PUNK'D before Bruce Willis kicks your ass for breaking his family apart...again...

 

20 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Selina says:

    COUGARS….shouldn’t be taking our men! when there are plenty of young hot betches like me who could have Ashton sexy-as-fuck Kutcher! lol

    SO LONG COUGARS.

    I was totes waiting for this break up! lol

    Posted on Reply
  2. Carolina says:

    ... “contract with CBS that might as well add 2 inches to his penis.” LMAO!!!

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    Omg. He IS the male version of Ana Faris. Perfect comparison. And another perf betch post. Had me laughing hysterically at my phone while driving, sipping my starbucks, and texting another betch that she must read this. <3

    Posted on Reply
  4. Baby Mountain Lion says:

    Except that I plan to become a hot as fuck cougar myself someday. A betch never dies, cougar is the next logical evolutionary step. Don’t worry Demi, you’ll find another young punk to motorboat those old plastic titties

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    lea michele = almost as annoying as anne hathaway

    Posted on Reply
  6. JLEE says:

    Hate her. So annoyinggg!

    Posted on Reply
  7. 100% agree says:

    100 % agree lea michelle is a freak

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    worst driver ever.

    Posted on Reply
  9. yup says:

    hate that bitch on lady gaga levels

    Posted on Reply
  10. Natalie says:

    Suppper choppy.  Did you guys just add a new writer?  Doesn’t matter, maybe I think this post sucks because Ashton’s disgusting.  He looks like a english lit grad student who just got kicked out of Occupy Oakland with his greasy long hair and fedora.

    Posted on Reply
  11. hello says:

    no strings attached was really stupid. kbye

    Posted on Reply
  12. Liz says:

    being the least betchy holiday of all time… no presents, over-eating, & ppl telling you to be grateful for shit… lame. followed by black friday… which is for the poor & involves waking up early i. e. doing work.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    Nope. Just #109 “Having ADD” & successful at each task. You should probs know this…

    Posted on Reply
  14. Brodega says:

    I had to check this shitshow out for myself after my Bro told me about this site and I didn’t believe him that such a pathetic ripoff of Bros Like This Site actually existed. But lo and behold, I stand corrected.

    Don’t bother replying to this (because I won’t be wasting any more of my valuable time coming back here to read it), but I just wanted to remind you slampieces that Bros own you and always will. Go on thinking that you’re in control - it just makes it even easier for us to brainipulate you into getting fucked at our leisure. Which you will continue to do, because you’re all whores. See you at last call, sluts!

    Posted on Reply
  15. Sage says:

    No one gives a shit what you think so go home and touch yourself while reading your favorite blog and plotting to scheme on girls that are too drunk to realize what you look like, cuz thats apparently the only ‘game’ you got. weirdo.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    Wow Brodega, that was enlightening. So glad your “bro” told you about this site, and that you took your “valuable” time to come check it it, comment on it, and increase the site traffic, therefore increasing the liklihood that betches will start getting paid for ad sales. And like hell you won’t be back here to read our replies. But what do I know, Im just a slampiece dying to get “brainipulated”. See you at last call!

    Posted on Reply
  17. whateverdude says:

    1. “I had to check this shitshow out for myself after my Bro told me about this site..”—yeah right. As “House” says, “everybody lies.”

    2. “Go on thinking that you’re in control…” —means brodega is not in control himself, and must put others down to make himself feel good, because he himself is not happy to just be a man.

    Nuff said.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    I go to the University of Iowa which is miles from Ashton Kutcher’s parents. On Thanksgiving I saw him at a bar called Bojames just drinking a coffee.  Tonight I saw him at the bar I’m pretty sure he got discovered at, Airliner, and I’m not sure what he was drinking. What I AM sure of is that I watched him get driven in his white Surburban with Colorado plates and pick up FOUR slutty dressing girls at a stoplight. It was embarrassing! Cars were honking as he had his driver stop at a green light to pick up these 21 year old sluts who were screaming his name while he began motioning them to come in.  They all got in and the car sped away.  You’re newly divorced, dude, have some respect.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    I’m so glad there are other people who hate Lea Michele and Anne Hathaway as much as I do. Least betchiest girls out there. A post should be made about Lea Michele’s incredible un-betchiness.. and another one about Anne Hathaway wouldn’t hurt.

    Posted on Reply
Post your comment: