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By The Betches on

Between our incessant drinking and partying, betches rarely have time to ingest anything that's not loaded with chemicals, poisons, and/or caffeine. With that we introduce to you the only pure thing we have any sort of affinity towards: bottled water.

No matter how pure the tap water in your city, water fountains are for the homeless and those who work at their soup kitchens. Because it's the only pure thing we digest, we need to make sure that our water is expensive and super elite.


Expensive bottled water is a status symbol. So what if it all tastes the fucking same and is basically all from the same spring in Connecticut? If you tell a betch this, be prepared for her to tell you to shut the fuck up and join a protest if you’re going to be annoying. So what if we pay $5 at a movie theatre for a bottle of Dasani, which is really no more pure than the ice in your Diet Coke? Between that and the $7 peanut M & M’s we’ll be throwing up later, there are only so many ways to show everyone you’re better than them in a dark movie theatre.

Besides being a DJ, producing bottled water has to be the easiest fucking way in the world to make money. We're brainwashed into thinking that any one bottle is different from any of the others, but go to your local upstate bumblefuck spring, fill up a plastic bottle, slap on a fancy label with some mountains and trees and shit and voila, you have a $3 bottle of your grandma's bath water.

In case this isn't already obvious, purified tap water is latin for cheap fucking bitch. Brita is NOT betchy. You have to spend time changing the filter and filling it up, which involves doing work, which we don't do. Also, a way to decrease the cost of drinking my favorite water? No fucking thank you. I'm as likely to do that as I am to care about the plastic I'm wasting. If you’re walking around with store brand bottled water you might as well just get the fuck out of town before people start pitying you and letting you know when they’ll be cleaning out their closets so you can have their last season Tory Burch flats.


SnookiPoor water


The choice really comes down, not to expensive or less expensive, but to what kind of vibe you’re trying to give off. Am I in a pretentious mood and about to ask our garçon for a Pellegrino? Am I feeling the sleek, trendy look of Voss? Or do I just want to relax next to the picturesque view of the Fiji Mountains?

So betches, remember, the only time you can be seen drinking tap water is when it’s in a boiling hot mug with lemon, and that’s only if it’s your fucking meal for the day. As famous bro Nelson Mandela once said, “Let there be work, bread, water, and salt for all.” Betches are so selfless that we only want one out of those four things. Be betchy, be pure, be green. Drink bottled water.



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28 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    YES this post is spot-on. I’m a Voss betch, but I do love smart water (yeah right it fucking makes you smarter), and Fiji of course. Fucking can’t drink tap. My family used to make fun of me and put a fiji, an ozarka, and tap into three different cups and made me taste test. Guess what? i fucking got all of them right. Brita was a necessity in the dorms freshman year, though.

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  2. The Betches says:

    my family did the fucking same thing. #betchesunite

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  3. The Betches says:

    HaHaHa….you guys are amazing!

    I Love drinking Evian!

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  4. The Betches says:

    If you examine a majority of consumer reports, many of the trace chemicals found in bottled water is within the same ranges of tap water. I do agree with you about the perception and psychology of possession and the appearance of status tools. But, this is simple magic for any manipulator of the status quo. Like blogs you might add -If you want to appear or influence people that you are a certain way with a certain message, you will use certain images, words, and as writers all know -the better the mental images -show don’t tell- then you are well upon your way for attracting attention. One thing “bro’s” miss, is that “betches” mainly speak/write by way of relation. Bro’s mainly speak of what’s functional or logical. Thus, the great war of the sex’es ensue. When it comes to bottled water, I had the chance to see a “millionaire betch” drinking something once – “Bling H20″, that’s like $40 dollars a bottle. No disrespect to all my betches out there, but I know the difference between a high-class betch, and those lower down the betch-totem pole.

    Love the article

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  5. The Betches says:

    When the fuck did 50-year-old midlife-crisis-ridden wannabe-bros start posting on this site?

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  6. The Betches says:

    I’m usually very amused by the rest of the posts, but this one is just sub-par. First of all, Brita fvcking rules. Second of all, water like Dasani and Aquafina are basically recycled city water-not from a pure spring-dis.gust.ting.

    Lastly, a post on bottled water? Come on, let’s get more creative than that. There’s a lot more betchy subjects to talk about here.


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  7. The Betches says:

    Jes, if you were a true betch you would love this post. My retriever drinks out of the toilet, which is tap water in a bowl. Sorry you drink out of the tap.

    I’m a Pellegrino and Voss betch, cause that shit comes in glass bottles. Obvi those are more expensive, therefore more exclusive. My SCHOOL tried to do a “Be Green. Drink Tap.” test like Betchiness’ family. Betches can’t be fooled.

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  8. The Betches says:

    No mention of Jen in this post? Betch doesn’t get naked in the SmartWater photoshoots for fucking nothing. Shit.

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  9. The Betches says:

    thank you @Cire Lowrimore for your in-depth analysis of why we like what we like and how we show it. We do not ever, not even once, read consumer reports (see “Not Doing Work” for details).

    I drink pelligrio in the little 10oz glass bottles, so cute!

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  10. The Betches says:

    Read this post while drinking bottled water at my PR jobs, obvs.

    Kind of worried that I am starting to rely on your site as much as my morning dose of adderall.

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  11. The Betches says:

    seltzer=love. flavors, no sodium, no calories? =perfect chaser. and perfect water in general.

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  12. The Betches says:

    you betches are stupid. care for your environment.

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  13. The Betches says:

    Smart water is betch water xo

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  14. The Betches says:

    SanP aka Pellegrino is fucking bomb and the betchiest of all sparkling water.

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  15. The Betches says:

    Always has to be haters. Up top of course. SmartWater is the betchiest water to drink when you’re at the gym. Electrolytes AND no calories? Betch Heaven.

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  16. says:

    I’m in college, aka communal water.. gross. I even wash my fruit with bottled water. This post: winning.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    san pellegrino for life!

    Posted on Reply
  18. Voss all the way says:

    Plus, the chemicals from the plastic bottles are actually horrible for you, and like hell I’m going to get some crazy disease from malleable plastic and lose all the my hair or something.
    So I drink out of glass. So much better, even tastes better.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    dead on. i wish i could post the picture of the two Fiji’s i just bought before i saw this. I dont even like washing my face with the water in my apartment. and im fucking convinced tap water does not cure thirst, and makes hangovers even more disgusting. huge part of the reason my freshman year in college made me slightly depressed with dry skin. makes me cringe~

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  20. anon says:

    The water is NOT the same in all of them. I never drink anything but Evian because everything else actually does taste like shit. Tap water tastes metallic and disgusting and actually makes me vom. Not just saying this cause it’s more expensive…though I like that the poors can’t afford the brand I like.

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  21. Anonymous says:

    Everyone that posts about their favorite bottle of water is not a betch…it’s called caring too much

    Posted on Reply
  22. Obvi not water says:

    Just like your link is solely a waterless bottle, there is another “unique” bottle…I just wanted you to see it so you can continue to promote tap water on a different site.
    BTW, there’s also a “share” cup if you’re a nice girl

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  23. SugarfreeHazelnut says:

    Fiji is my absolute fave. The best things about these water bottles is that you can buy the gigantic ones that like, last you forever. Fiji, Smartwater, Evian…all have those big ass bottles. Gotta stay hydrates betches.

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  24. cherry says:

    ew, Pellegrino? seltzer? i’ll do Brita before i’ll do either of those. if i’m going to bloat, i’m getting the diet coke taste out of the experience at least. ughh my life

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  25. annoyed betch says:

    The throwing up joke isn’t cute. This site always hints that betches are like half-bulimic but if you actually knew anything about that, any betch who really does that isn’t proud of it and is at least a little fucked up because of it.

    Posted on Reply
  26. Molari says:

    If you’re dumb enough to drink bottled water, then you deserve to be called a “betch”.

    Posted on Reply
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