In the spirit of Mothers' Day we’d like to take this opportunity to express both our gratitude that we’re not mothers (thanks Plan B!) and to give a special thank you to the women who turned us into the betches we are today.
Considering the amount of time and energy we expend trying to avoid our parents, it should be said that we totally appreciate the pivotal role that the betchy mom plays in every betch's life. Not only is she there to make sure no one fucks with us, but she's instilled within us a deeply ingrained sense of entitlement that can only come from your mom telling you that you're the shit every single day of your childhood. We know that behind every great betch is her betchy mom. She guides her through life's most important moments, like choosing the perfect sleepaway camp, balling out her elementary school teachers, and finding the perfect psychiatrist who will prescribe Adderall and help with her eating disorder, etc.
Behind every great mom who's picking you up from school and making your dinner lies a late, great, version of you, which by default makes our moms the shit.
Everyone turns into their mother eventually. Goldie Hawn and Kate Hudson. Dina Lohan and LinzLo. I mean, Kate Middleton's unborn fetus is already a betch. She's not even born yet! Just look at her fucking mother. It's destiny.
Most importantly, a betch’s mom instills in her the heart of all things classy - the right #31 wine to buy, the proper bag to bring out with any outfit, and the correct surgeon to pass on the family nose. So thanks moms, we couldn’t be where we are now without you. You’ve bestowed upon us all the tools a betch could ever need to succeed: beauty, charm, and our first white Lexus.
So call your mom, send her flowers, and treat her nicely. After all, today is the day to congratulate her on her life's greatest achievement...you.