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By The Betches on

Betch Factor (1-10): 3

The Betch Who Lives There: thinks that being from Philly makes her chill, but really she wishes she could tell people she's from a bigger, more exciting city. She probably appreciates things like sports and beer, which she thinks enhance her "chill" image.

The "Philly betch" may not actually be from Philly, rather from a main line suburb. So before the main line betches go all ape shit because we gave "your" city a 3, we're not saying you're not betchy. Philly is not betchy. Main line suburbanites could've been New Yorkers but for some reason aren't, so they just go to sleepaway camp with them.


textmessagePhilly girls are sooo chill


The main line betch was driving a beamer by the time she was 16. Maybe she went to UPenn or Penn State with everyone from home. Maybe went out of state for college, where she realized that she "hates girls from everywhere else because they're not chill and down to earth like her home friends." After college she moves back to Philly and lives in Rittenhouse Square or The Sterling until she meets a guy, gets a ring and moves back to the main line.

A Betch Who Visits Should: get on the first train to the other Pennsylvania. That is, to the train station in New York. Celebrities don't live in Philly, neither do frat bankers. Why stay?

The only pros in Philly are the athletes. Philly girls like, actually follow their teams. Weird. Philly is full of rabid sports fans so a betch must be willing to watch some random games to appease the bros. A betch will also hit on as many athletes as possible just to be able to tell other bros that he tried to hook up with her when she next sees them on TV. Knowing Pretending to know the athletes clearly has its advantages.

As for nightlife, there are obvs some legit clubs, but like, nothing we've ever seen mentioned in US Weekly so who cares. Bars close at 2am and lots of restaurants don't have liquor licenses so they're BYOB. We thought 2am was bad, but any venue that doesn't give bros a chance to buy us drinks is at the top of our shit list.

The Betch Avoids: cheesesteaks. Bread, cheese, and cow all in one bite? These foods arent acceptable all in one week, or ever. A betch wouldn't touch a cheesesteak with a pole the length of the fucking space needle.

Also, any city that permits an event called the Wing Bowl, involving speed-eating chicken wings, is a place where betchiness goes to die. Betches don't eat, especially not competitively.

And the liberty bell. The only liberty we want is to be allowed to #42 dress like a slut while wearing a kitchen apron. Theres nothing less betchy than a tourist attraction that glorifies things like brotherly love and the dumb white bros who only wanted Nicki Minaj to count as three-fifths of a person. Also, that shit has a crack in it. They can't even interior decorate well.


textmessageIt's not always fucking sunny in Philadelphia


Redeeming Factor: If not for the fact that UPenn is a top contender for the betchiest college in America, bringing betches to Philly 10 months of the year, this city would probably be even less betchy than it's northern unbetchy cousin, Boston.

Fine, they had Buddakan first. Congratu-fucking-lations.

Then there's the Shore, which we don't really consider Philly but all Philly people are obsessed with. It's like their pride and fucking joy. Main line betches would do well to stop calling AC "the shore" and acting like it's some high-class elite place to summer. "The Shore" makes us think of Jersey Shore and guidos.

But we know there are towns like Margate, Ventnor and Longport, where the betches summer and there are big beach houses and everyone knows everyone and all of their business. You dine at Tomatoes and go to the Green House where you know everyone and their brother and you drink and try to hook up with whatever older boy you had a crush on in high school. Or you go to AC to rage for the night at Mur.Mur in the Borgata or the Chelsea roof top. As you get more wasted than you ever could at a Philly bar you ponder how much more street cred Philly would have if they weren't too busy trying to bring back the fucking temperance movement.


<< Betchography: Boston

Betchography: Los Angeles >>

84 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    really really betch……. great!

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  2. The Betches says:

    Perfect timing! Although I love my bestie, we constantly fight about whose city is better. I’m glad the betches are on the NY side with me!

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  3. The Betches says:

    Great post! A DC one would be hilarious.

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  4. The Betches says:

    D.C. is full of high IQ betches. <3

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  5. The Betches says:

    Dc is fullllll of Pros, not to mention Georgetown’s amazing nightlife and shopping. So betchy

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  6. The Betches says:

    avalon is the betchiest shore town by far…

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  7. The Betches says:

    i would take the time to refute this article but i don’t waste my time on haters.

    Posted on Reply
  8. The Betches says:

    Hate all you fucking want on philly “betches” (though I’m pretty sure there aren’t any.. Like why would you live it philly if you could live in the main line) but main line betches can’t be touched, and yea we’re fuckin chill as shit, I’m sorry we can help it! and yes, occasionally fuck phillies, sixers and eagles pros

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  9. The Betches says:

    you’ve obviously never lived here…
    nice try betch

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  10. The Betches says:

    No, no, no… You have sushi at Tomatoes, then it’s off to Maynard’s for the bros, and on to Sophia for the pros. Who goes to Greenhouse for a night out?

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      spoken like a true margate betch…..well said

      Posted on Reply
  11. The Betches says:

    Least fav betch article. Cheesesteaks are jesus’s gift to the earth, and I can’t deny one. I do, however, compensate by overexercising and adderall binges, so it’s cool. UPenn is pretty great, though.

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  12. The Betches says:

    I’m from Gladwyne drove a BMW when I was 16 and have a house in Longport and go to Tomatoes and Greenhouse every weekend ………SORRY IM NOT SORRY!

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  13. The Betches says:

    You should have a “betches love this college” category…just sayin

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  14. The Betches says:

    Green House is a place where you and your besties stop to get a cocktail while you’re on the beach.. def not a place where you spend the night. A true betch also knows that Longport is just one word. And the truest betches who live down “the shore” know it is NOT “the shore” so the Philly betches need to start calling it the beach

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  15. The Betches says:

    Actually Its all mainline betches at the Greenhouse at night…its dirty during the day.

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  16. The Betches says:

    As someone that was from Philly (aka the Main Line) that moved to NYC (to be in a bigger/better/less boring/betchier city), I can honestly say this is true except true betches from Philly/ Main Line party at their parents’ beach houses in Avalon. The only reason to stay in Ventnor, Margate and Long Port are for cheap cabs to/ from AC… but isn’t that what our drivers are for?!? Keep the AC clubbin’ for the winter and go for the less trashy guido/guidette summer crowd by partying at the Princeton

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  17. The Betches says:

    yes the only reason to have a 12 million dollar house on the beach in Longport is to get a cheap cab to AC…you are exactly right………………

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  18. The Betches says:

    unless you’re a true mainline jew that goes to the shore, in which case, we steer clear of that side of the bridge and as the true betches, we stick to margate, ventnor and longport.

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  19. The Betches says:

    i wish all you stupid philly bitches would stop acting like you’re locals just because you have a summer house in LP. some of us live at the beach year round, so go ruin someone else’s beaches cause we don’t want you here.

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  20. The Betches says:

    betches VACATION in vacation towns…its soo not betchy to live there all year round

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  21. The Betches says: cant be a betch and a local …makes no sense. Even Smittys Clam Bar closes after summer..they are more betchy than locals!

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  22. The Betches says:

    Seconded. Margate/Longport all day, Ventnor is grimy. Brigantine is BSCB mecca, and where all the best cocaine dealers are.

    Posted on Reply
  23. The Betches says:

    Haha! I need the Atlanta betchography!

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  24. The Betches says:

    I totes agree! Atlanta is a pretty betchy city… Well at least buckhead is

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  25. The Betches says:

    agreed! atl is the place to be at

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  26. The Betches says:

    Nobody wants to read about Philly… we all know that nothing compares to NYC.

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  27. The Betches says:

    Yo byos are the best part of phl ask any penn kid

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  28. The Betches says:

    as a true betch (and a philly betch..well a suburban betch who moved to Rittenhouse) this article does not change how i feel about philly because i really don’t care what you think of it. i have to say it’s both true and untrue. one of it’s biggest mistakes is saying that penn is betchy. st. joes and villanova are where the true betches are. girls that go to these schools are both rich and smart and they party much harder than nerdy upenn girls. plus they’re way prettier. also, no one calls AC “the shore”. AC is called “AC”. As for the different shore points you missed two of the betchiest ones…Avalon is betchy cause of it’s class and Sea Isle is betchy cause of it’s partying. The shore showed on Jersey Shore is the trashy shore where Jersey people go.

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  29. The Betches says:

    obliviously stupid betch

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  30. The Betches says:

    …. obvi lower middle class

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  31. The Betches says:

    Excuse me, but “Jersey Shore” is filmed in Seaside aka Sleazeside and as a Real Jersey Shore Betch I am here to correct you! “Jersey People” do not go to Sleazeside! It is full off NY trash.

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  32. The Betches says:

    As a miami betch, I can fully appreciate the less betchier cities. But then again, miami has it all— a much needed post on my cityyyy.

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  33. The Betches says:

    Miami has to be one of the top trashy cities…obvi.

    Posted on Reply
  34. The Betches says:

    As a betch who’s from Philly and frequents Miami … I want a Miami post too.

    Posted on Reply
  35. The Betches says:

    i agree that philly is not betchy but this article is flawed… the towns adjacent to AC gross me out everyone knows avalon and stone harbor are the betchy beach towns.

    Posted on Reply
  36. The Betches says:

    as a philly betch i have pride in my city, my sports and my roots. philly betches like myself avoid the shore like its the plague and settle for more betchy places like the mediterranean for the summer…dont hate

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  37. The Betches says:

    I used to work at the Greenhouse- definitely not betchy. Margate is for jews. Sea Isle all the way

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  38. The Betches says:

    betches don’t say don’t hate. thats for ghetto people.

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  39. The Betches says:

    Budakkan? That’s so 7 years ago

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  40. The Betches says:

    as a ventnor betch, this post madeeee my day (week)(month). keep em comin, love you betches!

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  41. The Betches says:

    In the Martin family, we like to say, “Looks like someone took the slow train from Philly.” That’s code for “check out the slut.”

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  42. The Betches says:

    oh so creative, ellie!! you are like so smart and funny and witty!!!!

    (sarcasm if you couldn’t tell)


    Posted on Reply
  43. The Betches says:

    wow you look like your name, it’s actually a quote from “the Office”

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  44. The Betches says:

    Philly is possibly the betchiest city of them all..while NYC is full of weirdo hipsters and guidos, Philly (aka the Main Line) is strictly full of true-bros who wear lax pinnies and preppy clothing. While New York guys think that Ed Hardy is designer and “classy,” Philly betches and bros know how to dress. Oh and AC is not betchy..try Avalon and Stone Harbor.

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  45. The Betches says:

    DYING. This post is my life. Went to undergrad on the main line with the yuppies, betches, and tea partay-ers. Lived/worked in fashion in Midtown Manhattan upon graduation. Then was forced to work for three months this summer in Philly. Hated it. Obvi lived in Rittenhouse Square as it’s the only remotely acceptable area to live in Philly.

    Here are some recent gems regarding Philly’s infamous rankings in America:

    Forbes #1 most toxic city 2011:

    GQ’s #6 worst-dressed city 2011:

    Menshealth’s #15th fattest city 2010:

    Travel & Leisure’s #33 least attractive people 2010 (after 3 years finishing DEAD LAST):

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  46. The Betches says:

    correction: “everyone from home” does NOT go to Penn. it’s a top 5 school for a reason.

    Posted on Reply
  47. The Betches says:

    Dear Betches,

    Once again congrats on another AMAZING post… also congrats on all the action and comments this one is attracting! (But you already know how fab you are)

    Bravo for finally putting these Philly betches in their places! News flash Philly/Mainline Girls: Your city and you are not betchy, you have no sense of style, and you need to lay off the cheesesteaks and hit up PSC! And Philly betches, your comments on here show how delusional you are! Stop bragging that you did this or that and partied with some unknown z-list celeb. NYC betches party with celebs on the regular and don’t brag about it… It’s just another day in the life. Philly girls couldn’t last in NYC, I’ve seen so many fall… Although it is amusing for us true NYC betches to watch the epic fail.

    I know the Philly scene, afterall I was a Villanova Betch (Please do a post on Betchy colleges), but nothing is like my city, the only “City”… NYC!

    Posted on Reply
  48. The Betches says:

    How is it possible that this place referred to as “Philly” received a higher betch factor rating than Boston? I mean obviously “Philly” cannot even be compared to NYC (the betchiest), but at least admit Boston is betchier… it’s offensive.

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  49. The Betches says:

    I must disagree with three points on this post. ONE, Ventnor and Margate are people who couldn’t afford to buy houses in Longport. Longport is the best town BY FAR. Everyone claiming SIC and Avalon are classy towns, forget about it. You are packed with stupid shoobies. True betches beach where there are noo shoobies, and since Longport has barely no renters, we win. Hands down. Secondly, a true Philly (mainline) betch would indeed eat a cheesesteak, its adds to our chilled out, not scared to gain a pound coolness factor. Thirdly, its true, greenhouse is for day drinks, you find the cool people at Maynards. Especially the cool, non-guido, wanna -be- the situation boys there. Love the post otherwise, sorry for partying betches.

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    • betch says:

      Longport, margate and ventnor are for new money jews. All old money wasps, a true betch, go to Avalon and Stone Harbor. Your jewish daddy is a personal injury lawyer, aka ambulance chaser and isnt welcome in the waspier areas of Avalon and Stone Harbor where houses and mansions have been passed down since the 1800s. Take your new money kykeness back to NYC jap.

      Posted on Reply
  50. The Betches says:

    Starting at Nova in a week and I know that Philly will not compare to an Upper East Side New Yorker like me but I pray to God I don’t get shot or something I hear Philly is like super ghetto.. But thanks for the heads up betches.

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  51. The Betches says:

    Nova is planted right off of Lancaster Ave in the suburbs. You’ll be fine. Clearly you didn’t even visit the school. Moron.

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  52. The Betches says:

    associating “the shore”(THE BEACH, idiots) with this post was the dumbest thing you could have done. being a local in south jersey is an entirely different lifestyle. philly betches will never ever understand it. and it’s fucking awesome to live here year round.. don’t talk shit about something you know nothing about. and trust me, there are plenty of betches in south jers. summer would be perfect if it weren’t for the infestation of people who come down, crowd our cities, beaches, and cannot drive for their lives. damn, shoobs are stupid.

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  53. The Betches says:

    ‘Main line suburbanites could’ve been New Yorkers but for some reason aren’t, so they just go to sleepaway camp with them.’ could not be any more accurate. susquehannock <3

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  54. The Betches says:

    betches from miami would love to hear what these betches have to say about our city!

    Posted on Reply
  55. Anonymous says:

    The ultimate betch of all time - Erica Kane - is a life long Main Line-er. Done and done.

    Posted on Reply
  56. clubbing betch says:

    I’m from South Jersey, have a shore house in Ventnor, and have lived/worked on the main line for the past four years. I feel that the actual city of Philadelphia is trashy, and I like other cities much more (DC, London) but my main issue here is the hating on our beaches/clubs. AC nightlife is fucking awesome, Avalon and Stone Harbor may be nicer during the day, but the nightlife/clubs are NOT as fun as AC.  And as a true betch, this is what is most important.  Also, the mixx is way better in the Borgata, and the Pool at Harrah’s is a close second.

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  57. nyBETCH says:

    i agreeee betchh! no one can compare to ny no matter what they say

    Posted on Reply
  58. phllybetch says:

    mainline is overrated other suburbs are betchier

    Posted on Reply
  59. Anonymous says:

    Obviously Jews were excluded from this post.

    Posted on Reply
  60. Anonymous says:

    Obvious Jews were excluded from this posts… Catholics from Wayne/ Devon know the true party

    Posted on Reply
  61. Main Line Queen says:

    The Main Line is home to some of the betchiest you’ll ever meet cuz we are just like our mothers.  The betches at Villa-no-fun are there because they couldn’t get into an Ivy.  St Joe’s, well they just didn’t get in anywhere else at all.  My years at Penn taught me much, including the fact that Avalon, Longport, etc., are nothing compared to Cape May.  Just look around Cape May and you will see that all the betches from NYC are there because they know what is best.  We, the Main Line betches, give a great effort but our betchiness pales to the NYC ladies.

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  62. Main Line Betch says:

    As a Main Line Betch who has lived both on the Main Line and in Manhattan, I can say that, while fun, New York is disgusting and filthy, even in the nice parts, and tries too hard to recreate cheesesteaks (a real betch can eat a cheesesteak whenever the fuck she wants and not have to worry about getting fat). The Main Line is the chiller version of West Chester, where girls are absolutely not chill and therefore never mastered #50 guyfriends. I come from the land of Grace fucking Kelly, so betchy she got a prince to give her a ring, so while Philly girls might register a 3 on the betch scale the Main Line is a fucking 11.

    Posted on Reply
    • Anonomous says:

      Grace Kelly was from Mt.Airy/Chestnut Hill… not the mainline.

      Posted on Reply
  63. phillybetch says:

    Whoever writes this is obv from somewhere completely unbetchy like North Dakota because they don’t have the slightest clue as to what their talking about.

    Nice try though, and by all means plz keep talking we love the attention!

    Posted on Reply
  64. Anonymous says:

    um ew no try mantoloking or bay head!! i don’t see any 20 mil ocean front houses in stone harbor sorry

    Posted on Reply
  65. Amber says:

    What do you know about the new club in Philly, Rumor. Killer spot.

    Posted on Reply
  66. bmb says:

    st. joes and nova girls are too dumb to be betches.

    Posted on Reply
  67. Phillayyy says:

    Rumor and whisper amazing

    Posted on Reply
  68. jerseybetch says:

    Um thats how sad philly is that they have to come to our shore sucks not being on a coast losers

    Posted on Reply
  69. straight from the city ... philly that is says:

    if you are gonna talk about the betches shore points maybe you should get your facts straight up and remember long beach island ... if may be only 18 miles long but only the best can afford those houses. sorry I’m not sorry, come party on my island

    Posted on Reply
  70. jerzgaybff says:

    I love how these philly herbs talk about how bad jersey people are, were all richer our cost of living is higher, way higher like a million dollar house here would be 600,00 there…ew. All of our parents work in the city/from the city.  Philly is the only thing your state has going for it, i would rather chew broken glass then go to philly rather than THE CITY. I know Jersey is not considered the classiest of places but you only see Jersey shore I mean….you don’t even have your own Real Housewives, sucks being poor.

    Posted on Reply
  71. avproblems says:

    At least do your research properly before attacking a city that many of your readers (ex- readers) live in.  If its one thing you missed about Philly (but maybe mentioned with the sports) it is our pride. I’d rather read barstool or bro bible and at least be entertained. You’ve gone from “betch” to hipster, congrats.

    Also Avalon, Stone harbor, and Sea Isle.

    Posted on Reply
  72. Anonymous says:

    guess you haven’t been to stone harbor in a while then.

    Posted on Reply
  73. Anonymous says:

    If “going to the shore” makes you think of Jersey Shore and guidos, then you’re thinking of The Nothern Shore Points. You know, the ones that are PACKED with New Yorkers (except awesome philly beach betches like moi who were lucky to grow up there every summer). Get your facts straight, betch.

    Posted on Reply
  74. Your Name says:

    Cherry hill is filled with all the JABS and the Margate gals

    Posted on Reply
  75. your all stupid says:

    Why are people trying to compare Philly and NYC? They are not the same at all. Its literally like saying that NYC is better than Milwaulkee. Like no shit! No betch from philly is trying to say its better than NYC. Its just different. Clearly the people who wrote this talked to like the jews on the main line. Margate is lame. Everyone goes to Avalon or Sea Isle. And also, please stop saying UPenn is betchy. Like have you ever been to that campus? dogs on dogs on dogs. Betches from philly go to liberal arts colleges. fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  76. 215 Born, 610 Raised says:

    The inaccuracy of this post makes this Philly betch sad (but no less fabulous).

    Posted on Reply
  77. Philly betch says:

    This article is poorly thought out and NOT betchy. As a true Philly betch, my fucking FANTASTIC apartment in Rittenhouse beats the basement you live in in your pArents “huge house” any day. And why don’t you do some betchy research….we Philly betches brunch at park (hello belvedere martini….a true betch has to watch her calories!) and if you knew anything it’s that u penn is full of nerdy losers who have to start making a name for themselves early on in order to have any type of income (sound familiar, betch?) since their parents are too poor and non-betchy to cover the bills. Don’t ever show your fat face in Philly! Bye!

    Posted on Reply
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