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By The Betches on

Betch Factor: 9.5

The Betch Who Lives There: is a bitch but totes has her shit together. Who the fuck is smiling at me on a street corner? Is the cab driver talking to me or the Armenian on the other side of his bluetooth? Do I need to say something if I saw something? The NYC betch has an attitude and fuck-off vibe that can’t be rivaled by a citizen of anywhere else. She has shit to do, even if it’s just going to a party or getting a $20 manicure.

 

statue of liberty"Give me your your rich, your thin, and your huddled besties. K thanks"

 

The NYC betch went to Dalton, Riverdale, or Horace Mann for private school and dresses as well as most celebrities. She doesn’t drive a car because she has a driver, fucking duh. And despite what the writers of Gossip Girl want you to think, she’d rather shoot herself in the fucking head, or like ride the subway, than attend NYU with hipster freaks.

So like cool, the New York betch is from the greatest city in not only #63 America, but let’s face it, the world. She’ll endure countless #80 bitching from people from Dallas and Philly when she goes to college about how New York is so dirty and unfriendly. She obviously knows it's just because these small town hicks are jealous that they will never be a born-and-bred New Yorker.

The post grad NY betch wants to be independent, until she realizes that $2,000 a month will get her a disgusting studio in Harlem, so instead she just pretends to be.

Obvs she summers in the Hamptons where she can party with the exact same people from the city who now have space to drive their Aston Martins. She’ll often fly there because she 1) doesn’t have her license and 2) LIE traffic is for fucking poor people.

After college, she’ll get a job at JP Morgan or in PR (or MAYBE move to LA if she wants to pretend to #107 branch out.) She’ll contemplate staying in the city or moving to Scarsdale or Old Westbury when she gets married, but won't really until she has kids...because everyone knows the city breeds miscreant drug fiends by the age of 15. After hours in Central Park! Don't worry we won't go near the heroin pushers I know exactly which bench they chill under.

A Betch Who Visits Should: Walk faster.

If she's lucky she'll find a promoter to take her clubbing at the Boom Boom Room, SL, Avenue, or whatever the hot new club is in Meatpacking. Well, at least for another 6 months until these clubs suck and become infested with dirty internationals or annexed by the Jews of Long Island in their high-waisted skirts and Chrome Hearts necklaces.

Shop at Bendel's or Bergdorf's or in Soho. Eat at the Darby or Beauty and Essex. When she wants to be ‘chill for a night’ she'll go to the Gansevoort. Visiting betch beware, if you dare even think about waiting on the line, you might as well get back in your cab and go to Cellar Bar. Have fun ID'ing guys before you hook up with them.

The Betch Who Moves There: is the luckiest bitch in the world but will constantly be called out for not being a ‘real New Yorker’ especially when she does things like give money to the homeless, buy a Metro card, or smile and wave to people on the street. Vom.

 

statue of libertyFear no betch like a scorned New Yorker

 

The Betch Avoids: Poor people and the criminally insane. One of the biggest issues with living in New York is the massive amount of crazy wackos running around, sleeping on your streets, and doing crazy shit like asking if you want a tricycle ride to the bar. And we definitely don't take the subway, but we've heard there's a ton of weirdos singing and dancing down there like it's some sort of poor man's Broadway...but with like, a 65% chance of rape.

Would've gotten a 10 if not for: the fact that '10' is a score reserved for a hypothetical betch utopia, filled with SAB-Pro hybrids, yoga mats, and froyo, where betches can roam free of haters, nice girls, and calories.

NYC also doesn't deserve a 10 due to the fact that everyone in New York #36 works so fucking hard. Like this isn’t LA where you’re dating an aspiring actor with family money who only works three hours a week. Betches hate doing work. This is New York where the banker or lawyer you’re dating works all the fucking time, and even some of your office betch besties are like, traveling all week for their oh so intense jobs. Take a Xanax, New York, and let a girl live.

<< Betchography: Los Angeles

Betchography: Miami >>

 

94 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Rachel says:

    This was right on the money!!!!

    Posted on Reply
  2. nyc betch says:

    redeemed after that L.A. trash.

    Posted on Reply
  3. cb says:

    You spelled branch* wrong. Otherwise, great job betches. NYC for life.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Armenian betch says:

    Best (or worst?) part of NYC-the $20 mani. Sure it’s cheaper but we hate cheap.

    Posted on Reply
    • Phoebe says:

      I left Manhattan and miss the cheap mani-pedis!! Everywhere else they’re like $50 for mani-pedis! NYC betches have it made! smile

      Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    armenians aren’t cab drivers….theyre the ones running the corporate companies.

    Posted on Reply
    • stanny says:

      um lol.

      Posted on Reply
  6. bossybetch says:

    couldn’t have said it better myself.. my thoughts exactly! so proud to be a new york bitch forever☺

    Posted on Reply
  7. Verybetchy says:

    I’m not knocking NYC or LA but seriously Chicago is as betch as it gets! And our entire city/burbs are swarming with #pros

    Posted on Reply
    • nyc betch says:

      yeah, you’ve lost it

      Posted on Reply
  8. NY Betch says:

    I’ve lived in NYC my entire life. Manicures START at $20 and only go up from there.

    Posted on Reply
    • tanbetch says:

      HA i pay $10 bucks

      Posted on Reply
    • ASB Betch says:

      i pay $10 as well

      Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    betch* never willingly refer to yourself as a bitch, idiot

    Posted on Reply
  10. labetch says:

    la is ny gone ano, on xanax with medicinal mj prescription and a tan.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Betchhhzz says:

    “Well, at least for another 6 months until these clubs suck and become infested with dirty internationals or annexed by the Jews of Long Island in their high-waisted skirts and Chrome Hearts necklaces.”

    So true. Clubs go bad so fast and totally not betchy after the 6 month mark. And right on the dot with the Jews from Long Island, totez trying to hard to be betchez.

    Posted on Reply
    • UM says:

      umm THE BETCHES are jews from long island, get over it.

      Posted on Reply
  12. betchhh says:

    its similar to nyc, but cleaner and with a legit lake shore.

    Posted on Reply
  13. elizabetch says:

    pretty good..except real nyc betches know the gansevoort is O-V-E-R.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    spot fucking on betches, love it

    except “The NYC betch went to Dalton, Riverdale, or Horace Mann for private school…” you forgot Trinity, “the trinity bubble” (#107 not branching out, fucking duh!) and how half the upper east side #37 betchy moms send their kids off to new england boarding school for high school

    Posted on Reply
    • TrinBetch says:

      YES. Trinity is ranked #1 by Forbes, try to keep up.

      Posted on Reply
  15. KittyCat says:

    I’d say Convent of the Sacred Heart 91st street.  Everyone knows those girls are betches…

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    armenian betch got a little mad about this one.  have you been to the city?

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    wonder how much the betches were paid to put that ad in?

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    “NYC also doesn’t deserve a 10 due to the fact that everyone in New York #36 works so fucking hard. Like this isn’t LA where you’re dating an aspiring actor with family money who only works three hours a week. Betches hate doing work. This is New York where the banker or lawyer you’re dating works all the fucking time,...”

    Haha that’s fucking funny. I live in LA and half of the peoples parents I know GREW UP on the east coast, went to school out in LA or got a job in LA and never moved back! Once you live in LA, you won’t want to ever move back to NY (wise words from my dad, who happens to be a banker).

    Posted on Reply
  19. Madison says:

    Are the kids from NYC PREP betches?

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anonymous says:

    do you live in a bubble

    Posted on Reply
  21. Allie says:

    LOLOLOL abs. not

    Posted on Reply
  22. GuucciMANE says:

    WOW this is alright i guess but get your facts straight NYC betches contemplate moving to scarsdale yes but what old westbury?? no try greenwich or rye. ALSO betches go to Convent of the Sacred Heart at 91st or Chapin fucking DUH. And no madison, I have met the NYC Prep kids taylors a hipster and the others arent important , the guys are betchier.

    Posted on Reply
  23. amoreitaliano says:

    so glad we determined that the jews from li are not betches. ew.

    Posted on Reply
  24. New York Betch says:

    Is this joke…chicago is most def not betchy….at all. Its a wanna be rage capital. Plus lake<ocean. End of story

    Posted on Reply
  25. betch says:

    the betches who created this site are not city betches

    Posted on Reply
  26. Ilovenyc says:

    Gansevoort meatpacking SO over…. Gansevoort On Park = still chill.

    Posted on Reply
  27. Anonymous says:

    ok head betches, loveee the NYC post (lol’d at the armenian taxi driver mention—sucks to suck kim k) but you NEED to do a post on boarding school, like yesterday. i went to boarding school and that is obv where the most affluent betches are educated and where future #pros and #trophywives are bred..i mean i went to school with politicians’ kids and fucking billionaires. this is where the trust fund babies learn manners, decorum and how to snort adderall since cocaine is strictly verboten in the dorms #ugh. for those of you who went to regular (cough, poor) high school you do not know what drama is…you just don’t. boarding school is like gossip girl and cruel intentions on crack and only the betchiest survive.

    Posted on Reply
    • nycbetch says:

      ok i went to high school (public, in nyc…shocking i know) with the governor pattersons son and bill de blasios daughter so like we have all that and snorted addy (and coke) and all that shit here too…

      Posted on Reply
  28. #forreal says:

    worst crowd

    Posted on Reply
  29. Anonymous says:

    scarsdale and old westbury???? fuck no.

    Posted on Reply
  30. Amen says:

    Agreeeedddd. Annoying bitches.

    Posted on Reply
  31. anonymous says:

    you sound like an idiot. stop trying so hard.

    Posted on Reply
  32. Anonymous says:

    sweetie…clearly youre just jealous and obv went to public school. sorry that youre poor and uneducated! oh and probably fugly.

    Posted on Reply
  33. krista says:

    i want a post on gossip girl!

    Posted on Reply
  34. Anonymous says:

    The Betches must be dull and lack depth as human beings!  This materialiastic, depth lacking article is pathetic and the worst representation of women in general. So you wanna be Betches or so called Betch get a job and stop feeding off rich men. In societies you are all low hanging fruit! You are nothing but decoration at the parties you so desperately seek. Yes you may be on some old rich mans plane flying to the Hamptons, but how does it feel when you land and the rich old man pops his viagra! Then the Betch has to pay for all the nonsense she speaks of! Betches get in touch with reality.

    Posted on Reply
  35. betch says:

    youre all idiots

    Posted on Reply
  36. LI Betch says:

    How is that possible? I can get a mani pedi for 15 dollars on the island

    Posted on Reply
  37. no says:

    this post is horrible. i thought the head betches might be from new york but its now confirmed that they aren’t because 1. no betches come from dalton and 2. just no, this is so wrong. ugh

    Posted on Reply
    • agreed says:

      exactly this post is fucking horrible

      Posted on Reply
    • ding ding says:

      haven’t you read their post? the head betch went to roslyn high school and is trying way too hard to forget her long island ways. they are nothing like the actual post & just profiting off millenials #kudostothem #onceajapalwaysajap

      Posted on Reply
  38. NYU Betch says:

    Yea, NYU has tons of weirdos and hipsters, but also the betchiest betches of them all. It’s one of the most expensive schools in the country, so we’re all rich. Its within walking distance of like 20 froyo places AND the best places to shop.We’re smart, hot, and pros at #not fucking bros.
    But other than that, love the post. It made me raise and #eyebrow. Congrats.

    Posted on Reply
  39. Casey Diego says:

    New York is amazing thats that. and to be honest celebrities get their style from us.. xoxo

    ps dont even fuck around, trying to compare any city to New York.. its not funny. I wasnt laughing. that is all. bye

    Posted on Reply
  40. Anonymous says:

    A betch at NYU knows to hang around all the pros at Stern and get invited to Columbia frat parties. Fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  41. Anonymous says:

    it’s “you’re”. that education seems to really be working for you.

    Posted on Reply
  42. Anonymous says:

    also.. boarding school is NOT like gossip girl OR cruel intentions. stop being such a poser. good luck playing warcraft and jerking your lady wood to ross on friends.

    Posted on Reply
  43. blunder says:

    you forgot Fieldston
    all the stoner betches go there
    duh

    Posted on Reply
  44. effing betch says:

    “The Island” is not nyc. Nyc is Manhattan. Like, hello. Don’t speak. #byegirl

    Posted on Reply
  45. uh.. says:

    .....no. Visited a friend in chicago and bumped into someone and they said “sorry”. I’m not even sure what that word means but it wasn’t betchy like at all there.

    Posted on Reply
  46. krissy says:

    I expect Miami to be next, def with a high rating.
    Latin betches may be the most dramatic of them all

    Posted on Reply
  47. Anonymous says:

    Could not agree more!

    Posted on Reply
  48. Anonymous says:

    pros at stern are unacceptable until fully graduated and millionaires, and ew, really? columbia frat parties? the girls are fugly as eff and the guys have no game, were virgins until their freshman years of college (or still are and will be, therefore living out “the 40 yr old virgin” in real life), and just ew. NYU girls are fugly too. Everyone knows that. Just stop trying. You’re embarrassing yourself and all of the NYU population. I mean, that is if fugly girls get embarrassed? I think they’re used to it though, so I dunno. woops. Sorry I’m not sorry.

    Posted on Reply
  49. WestchesterBetch says:

    SCARSDALE…REPRESENT!
    Living in Manhattan post-grad, get married, move to Scarsdale when it’s time for the babies to pop out. #repeatingthecycle

    Posted on Reply
  50. Anonymous says:

    Agreed. This betch knows how it’s done.

    Posted on Reply
  51. Anonymous says:

    although “the island” is not Manhattan by any means, this is also false.  Nice manicures start around 10.

    Posted on Reply
  52. judge me says:

    there already is one fucking duh, amateur

    Posted on Reply
  53. Anonymous says:

    gotta agree with other comments above… this post is seriously lacking. do better research next time, or preferably… get some fugly girl to do better research for you.  Also, don’t you realize that probably 80% of betches in manhattan and surrounding areas (as in rich suburbs… not other boroughs… yuck) are jewish? the nyc betch IS jewish. her existence is predicated by the size and expense of her bat mitzvah (till she marries a pro and pops out her own kids, at which point her existence is predicated by the size and expense of her kids’ bat/bar mitzvahs). so please, get this shit right next time. thanks.

    Posted on Reply
  54. Anonymous says:

    You’re just jealous that your only source of alcohol comes from svedka handles and frat kegs, while NYU betches take shots of patron paid for by our “soon-to-be” pros (who already have jobs that pay more than your poor daddy’s does) at the most exclusive bars and clubs.

    You can go eat your feelings now at the gross ass dining halls. Sushi Samba won’t miss your fugly ass.

    Posted on Reply
  55. Anonymous says:

    I like, had to take the subway once. Worst experience ever. People literally like, come up and TALK to you asking for money and other bullshit for their “children” or “mother” but really they’re just asking for CMC (crystal-meth cash).

    Posted on Reply
  56. Anonymous says:

    The betches are obviously not from the city. It sounds like you just looked up bars and clubs that are currently “cool”, but like you said, all those places were so “six months ago”. Get your facts fucking straight before you hate on New York. Being ignorant, so not betchy.

    Posted on Reply
  57. Anonymous says:

    ha. no true betch would ever date someone old, no matter how fucking rich he is. that’s for ugly girls… fucking duh. please, go elsewhere; perhaps the Rachel Maddow show has an open position for you. you clearly don’t understand.

    Posted on Reply
  58. Anonymous says:

    Seriously, couldn’t agree more.  I always assumed the writers of this site were from nyc, but it’s obvious they’re not due to the inaccuracy of this post.  And Chrome Hearts necklaces are only worn by guidettes, never a Jew, and most certainly not a betch.  Ew.

    Also, for the record…religion doesn’t matter when you’re a betch.  If you’re not spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to throw a bat mitzvah party, there’s a good chance you’re spending the same amount for a sweet sixteen.  Both involve being the center of attention and looking pretty and skinny (even more so than usual).  Jewish, Catholic, Christian, whatever…a betch is a betch no matter what holiday she celebrates.  Fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  59. Anonymous says:

    you guys are such idiots.  so stupid, i’d expect better from you guys regarding every aspect of this post.  this post is slacking majorly (as is the rest of the site lately) and your references are all off.  its funny that you guys claim to be betches but can’t even get a post right about one of the betchiest cities (if not the betchiest) in the world.  kinda sad, but it seems your glory days are over.  over it, next…...

    Posted on Reply
  60. biggerbetch says:

    that you think I even go to frat parties? They only exist at columbia and nyu. and they’re effing nasty too. Svedka? hunny please. Like everyone takes shots of patron. Tell me when you put on your big girl panties and can afford moet and dom. Oh and tell me when you can pay for it on your own (or with daddys money) since clearly you cant do that you have to sleep with gross young guys who are unexperienced so they can buy you a few shots because YOUR poor daddy can’t afford to give you a daily allowance. Now that’s awkward.. you’re pathetic. I couldn’t even tell you what the inside of a dining hall looks like, but oh wait, you could, cause NYU has those nasty million-carb, aids infested things.

    Oh and everyone knows that Sushi Samba is over. Call me when you can or daddy can afford nobu, lavo, or koi, not your pro-wannabes. Amateur.

    Ps. NYU betches certainly are not hanging out taking shots of patron at the most exclusive bars and clubs. You have no idea how to play in the big leagues. You all are too busy buying your fedoras and visiting brooklyn art galleries like you’re effing jenny humphrey or something. And I think we all know how that one ended.

    Posted on Reply
  61. biggerbetch says:

    Tell me when you can even get a TABLE for DINNER at lavo, beauty and essex, or the darby.

    Oh and you’re probably originally bridge and tunnel. Gag.

    Posted on Reply
  62. BiCoastalBetch says:

    The walls of NYU are built out of wannabes.  But it’s not even worth talking about.  What it comes down to is that there are a shit ton of really wonderfully, glamourous, historic places to get fucked up at in New York, including a handful of gorge upper east side, old hotels.  The meat packing is so gross, club wise.  I just got back from NY (I live in LA, and used to split my time between both but now I’m chilling because I met a hot pro and I’m getting married. Mish. Accomp)... and I have to say, the “economic crisis” has sort of kicked the party scene in the balls in NY.  Shit was closing at 2 a.m., and the scene was oh-so blah.  Everyone is fucking stressed out and working 24/7.  I was tres fucking thrilled to get back on the plane to LA and pop a Xanny.  Or three.  The point here is this- unless you are the .000000005% of real betches, you don’t know what is hot in every major metropolitan area because you can’t be there/don’t have friends there consistently.  We all know that shit’s only “in” for a matter of like days now.  But finally, even when a super legit betch knows what’s good in every hub- she would never broadcast that shit.

    Posted on Reply
  63. Miller says:

    literally read my mind

    Posted on Reply
  64. Anonymous says:

    i guess i struck a nerve… way to show like you don’t care

    Posted on Reply
  65. Anonymous says:

    Sounds like someone got rejected from NYU…

    Posted on Reply
  66. BoardingSchoolBetch says:

    Betches forgot where all of us whose money wasn’t made after 1950 go…boarding school. It’s difficult to get much betchier than boarding school in New England, especially if you’re from the city. It doesn’t even violate #107 not branching out because all the best betches from the city go to the same elite schools as you do. Boarding school post? Ciao, betches.

    Posted on Reply
  67. NYU Betch says:

    EW you’re a joke. Sternie grad students, fucking duh. And NYU girls are fugly? Don’t be bitter just because you didn’t get in and are slumming at like SUNY or Pace or wherever dumb betches go.

    Posted on Reply
  68. Anonymous says:

    that sounds so specific…oh, is that what you do in your spare time? stop being a jealous hater and bow down, public school povo.

    Posted on Reply
  69. Anonymous says:

    aw thanks for correcting my spelling. it’s good practice for when you’re working as a secretary for a hot betch like me. i try to do as little work as possible, so although i do know how to spell (thanks to my private school education).. an apostrophe here and there seems tedious. but thanks again dowdy book worm! xo

    Posted on Reply
  70. new yorker says:

    ive lived in NYC my entire life too, and there are manis for 10 bucks like everywhere else - the bitches who think its cool w exåensive stuff and spending a lot of money, are such try-hards. a true new yorker knows where to go, only the dumb tourists fall in the $30 mani trap

    Posted on Reply
  71. Anonymous says:

    But they just end up partying with the kids from Riverdale, Horace Mann, and Dalton because otherwise they’d never find boys.

    Posted on Reply
  72. Anonymous says:

    In Connecticut a manicure is about $15-20.  We may all have different versions of “nice” then…

    Posted on Reply
  73. Marc says:

    Are so low class they have nothing better to do then to Sext and Tom Kelly the Head of the School enjoys looking at the photos when he can!

    Posted on Reply
  74. ani=on says:

    All the Ny upper east siders are ivy legacies why would they go to NYU if their my parents funded half the buildings at harvard also maybe you know people who went to the “hill schools” ex. horace man and riverdale but betches go to boarding schools and upper east side schools from what i know…..duhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

    Posted on Reply
  75. Anonymous says:

    haha totes agree. a real nyc betch knows the immigrant chinese ladies will NOT charge close to $20 for a manicure…

    Posted on Reply
  76. chi city betch says:

    Chicago is obvs the betchiest. If you disagree than you haven’t been here or you visited with losers who didn’t know where to go. LA & NYC are like 90% tourists and wannabes who TTH because that’s where poor people who want to be famous move, and both are filled with stupid tourist things like those squares with handprints and the statue of liberty. Chicago is like an exclusive club because we’re the only big city that obvs can’t be bothered doing tourist shit that attracts families of 5 to clog the sidewalks. That’s also why it has wayyyy less wackjobs and homeless people because no tourists=no money for them. We have a lake front and pier like LA (who cares about the difference between lakes and oceans besides science nerds? we just need a pretty place to tan- betches don’t actually go in the water) and we have ahmazing nightlife and shopping like NYC. Also our taxes are like ridic high so it keeps the poor people out and only leaves room for pros. Anything NYC or LA does, we do better, cleaner, and with fewer tourists, immigrants, and dirty bums.

    Posted on Reply
  77. Philly Suburbs Betch says:

    15 dollar mani/pedis don’t exist except for in third world countries.

    Posted on Reply
  78. betchiest betch around says:

    Chiacago doesnt have as many tourists as NYC because NO ONE wants to be there. People come here to become famous because its where all the famous and important people are. Your shopping areas and night life come no where close to those of NY. Such not a betchy city ......

    Posted on Reply
  79. Anonymous says:

    Betch stands for bitch, right?

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      was that really a question?

      Posted on Reply
  80. bitchin101 says:

    do one for westchester

    Posted on Reply
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