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By The Betches on

If you’re a true betch, a name should automatically ring when you hear the word “bestie.” We’re not talking about just a friend in your circle, we’re talking about your fucking sidekick. She’s the girl you’ve known forever, the one in on 95 percent of your inside jokes, the wind beneath your wings private plane.

Your bestie shapes who you are, so much so that people tend to group you two together. You know this applies to you when people combine your names like you’re fucking Brangelina. Like Pam and Amanda, stop trying to make Pamanda happen, it’s no “fetch.”


Let's talk about Bestie Twin Syndrome (BTS). You all know what this is. Just when you thought people are only combining your names, they start actually mixing your faces into one fucking betch. It's when people think that two besties look alike, even though they like, totally don't at all. This obviously doesn't apply to blonde/brunette besties, but if you and your bestie are the same size and coloring and people don't confuse you on the fucking reg, maybe you should be skeptical about the strength of your bestieship.

Also, besties can speak telepathically. (No we’re not bulemic…) You see a girl with tree stumps for arms, and before you can do so much as raise your eyebrow, your bestie's there to say, “Holy fuck, that bitch's arms are the size of west Afghanistan."

If you and your bestie also don't have a customized list of #21 abbrevs and #9 nicknames for bros, it prob means you guys haven't been hanging out enough and should rekindle your shit-talking flame.

Betches also have an unspoken accounting system whereby it's understood that money and drugs will always "even out." I got your salad and iced coffee if you get the next gram! Betches put PriceWaterhouseCoopers' lame ass Excel ledgers to shame.

Yes, you and your bestie are a fucking betch power duo and a permanent force to be reckoned with, but if you never get sick of each other there's something wrong with your friendship, especially if you’re living together. Don't worry, it's natural to be so nauseated by your bestie that the mere sound of her voice makes you want to pull out your keratin-treated hair. But everyone knows that all can be resolved with a joint and a #11 Jersey Shore marathon…well maybe a blunt.


friendsJen, we're off set. You can stop touching me now.


When you’re not pissed at your BFF, the two of you are on the other end of the spectrum. Enter the drunk bestie love fest. This happens alllll the time. When you're drunk you either love her enough to like, hug all night, which you'd never fucking do if you were sober, or you're livid enough to punch her in the fucking nose. Also, being drunk with your bestie means that your ledger goes out the fucking window. Let's call those 10 shots "off the books."

Despite how much you’re loving each other that night, it's not guaranteed that a bestie will hold your hair back while you're vomming. That's what a hair-thing is for. But you can bet she'll make sure no other bitch talks to your bro while you're puking in the bathroom.

Lastly, we all know that every bestie pair has a contractual agreement on who owns which side of a picture, but try not to discuss this in public because you’re already being made fun of, probably by a lot of people. Screw the haters, fucking own it.

Every betch knows, there are cruise ships... and some other fucking ships, but our fave ships are bestieships.


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16 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    Dear Betches

    The term is beezy besties. Fucking duh

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:


    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    This literally describes our life.

    Posted on Reply
  4. The Betches says:

    speak it, betch. so wise.

    Posted on Reply
  5. The Betches says:

    fucking yes. the betch writers once again hit the nail on the head. thank you for reaffirming every day just how awesome it is to be a betch and live the betch lifestyle.

    Posted on Reply
  6. The Betches says:

    What if you don’t have a Bestie but rather a core group of close friends? I just can’t stand being around the same person all the time.

    Posted on Reply
  7. The Betches says:

    What if you don’t have a Bestie but rather a core group of close friends? I just can’t stand being around the same person all the time.

    Posted on Reply
  8. The Betches says:

    Doesn’t count, obvi not a betch. You NEED a bestie, your other betchy half. You might be that person in your “core group” that everyone secretly keeps around to be annoyed with, aka #TheDud. Sorry.

    Posted on Reply
  9. The Betches says:

    Betches have both…are you sure its not that no one can stand being around you all the time?

    Posted on Reply
  10. The Betches says:

    If you’re really a betch, you might have a life outside of being glued to your beezy. Like say, a fiance. I am most def a betch because I choose to be.

    Posted on Reply
  11. The Betches says:

    Then you’re not a betch!!!!

    Posted on Reply
  12. The Betches says:

    zoolander reference was on point! ” orange mocha frapuccinos! “

    Posted on Reply
  13. The Betches says:

    real talkkkkk. keep it up betches!

    Posted on Reply
  14. The Betches says:

    couldnt stop laughing throughout the whole post. its so true. keep it up!

    Posted on Reply
  15. reallife says:

    This is so accurate, I’m worried that me and my bestie actually wrote it during a blackout and just don’t remember. (obvs not true since we would have been too blacked-out to type)

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    This is so dead on. Defiantly one of your best posts. Looove it.

    Posted on Reply
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