Tracker Pixel for Entry
By The Betches on

So it's Decembetch and along with being the betchiest month, it's also a prime month for gross illnesses like the flu and winter coughs. Whether the bro you've been hooking up with pretended not to have bronchitis in order to #8 fuck you, or your 5-night a week partying and drug habit has finally caught up with you, one morning you wake up and realize you're nauseous. And this time it has nothing to do with your acne-ridden nice girl coworker's disgusting new sweater.

Betch, you're sick.

 

sick note

 

In most normal corners of betch-hating society, being sick is frowned upon by our parents, doctors and Asians who wear surgical masks in public. But we're here to let you in on the best-kept secret in America. The fact is that any true betch has carefully calculated the merits of feeling like shit and has reasoned that being sick is not THAT bad. (No, we're not talking about serious or life-threatening illnesses, see ya lataz psycho commenters).

Let's delve into why betches love this weakened immune system.

- Sure it's harder to work out when you're sweating profusely from merely lying down, but a cough is a great natural ab workout. Who needs planks when you've got Mono?

- Being sick is a great excuse to not eat or vomit in a semi-healthy way. Now you can't call me anorexic, my medication just curbs my appetite bitch! You should be so lucky as to develop my tapeworm.

- You can't hook up, but as long as you strategically omit that fact while being "too busy" to hang out with a bro who's texting you. Winning never felt so easy. Your text might say, "I can't tonight, raincheck?" But your body is saying, "I can't tonight, I will definitely puke all over the check."

 

friendsAre you saying you don't wanna get..with..this?

 

- Besides the obvious sick days from #36 work, a simple note to your professor or boss about the intensity of your vom sessions and the unbearable pain insures that you won't have to work until long after the pain subsides. Which can be like, however long you fucking want because, "I can't do anything, ::cough cough:: I'm sick" ...boo you whore.

- Mom, I really want...cough...need...some new sweaters, I feel so cold right now.

- It's also a good excuse to get your roommates and boyfriend to do shit for you. It would be cruel to make you get the door for the delivery guy when you've had a cough for like, 6 hours.

- Being sick gives you another chance to #112 talk about yourself or #80 bitch about your illness and why you're such a trooper, or why you have like, the worst luck (oh no not right before #40 formal!), and others will feel bad for you when normally they're really jealous of you.

- Finally, multiple trips to #10 Candyland are encouraged. Ty-Ty PM for the straight-edge betch, Vicodin and Xanax for the more experienced Pulco betches.

So betches, cherish those moments of being sick for yet another excuse to make it all about number 1, and remember, chicken soup is for fat girls and people with souls.

<< #130 Driving Like a Fucking Idiot

#132 New Year's Eve >> 

RelatedPosts

26 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. sick betch says:

    hey betches. this post is spot on. as i type this i am sweating profusely, coughing, blowing my nose and not eating at the same time. pretty sure that is burning me some calories. and your totes right about being sick being betchy because now i have an excuse to talk about myself all the time, lounge around the house (bc i’m awn vacation fucking duh).

    Posted on Reply
  2. smag says:

    One of the best parts about being sick is loss of appetite and afterward when you get to enjoy the jealous “You got soo thin when you were sick” comments. Bitch you wish I would cough on you so you could look this good.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    betches don’t sweat, we glisten

    Posted on Reply
  4. TBBetch says:

    131*. actually, but whatevs.

    Could not be more true. What better opportunity (being hungover is a close second) to stay in bed and still lose weight, not do work, and get things brought to (bought for) you? Coughing beats crunching any day, fucking duh.

    “No I won’t be in until maybe ::cough cough::  next week? We’ll see how I feel.”

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    Best part about being sick? Time to celebrate when it’s all fucking over. And what better way to celebrate than to go on a super betchy holiday to the Caribbean and get some rays to rid yourself of your new vampire chic skin tone?

    Although I suppose we should head to the Maldives or The Yacht Week because a betch’s health should be celebrated with extravagance.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    “I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    “and remember, chicken soup is for fat girls and people with souls.”

    hahahahha
    and I’m glad you finally acknowledged the crazy psycho commenters that take everything too fucking seriously

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    It’s also the best way to excuse yourself from Chapter meeting. Plus you know they’re all talking about why you’re not there.

    Posted on Reply
  9. elle says:

    amen sister

    Posted on Reply
  10. sick betch says:

    you are so right sister, the fevor was making me delerious. the only time i sweat is when i’m not telling people i’m going to the gym.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    Love the post… now I can feel better that I’m not the only betch missing wine wednesday

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    just got over strep throat… lost 4 pounds because i couldn’t swallow anything for 2 1/2 days. winnnnninggggg! betches being sick if pretty awesome.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    Will you FINALLY just do a betches love friends post? Their clips are at least 4 of your covers, and just admit it already…betches LOVE friends.

    Posted on Reply
  14. normal betch says:

    love how the psycho commenters stopped commenting after this post . get wrecked

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    I’m pretty sure I lost 10 lbs. Right before NYE, LOVE IT!!

    Posted on Reply
  16. Wounded Betch says:

    Pretty much all of this applies to having surgery too, as I did yesterday. The last time I ate was Wednesday night and my appetite still hasn’t returned. Not to mention the free trip to Candyland, thank you Oxycontin. This combo is sure to have me being a skinny, loopy, extra fun betch for the holidays!

    Oh and since I’m in a sling (very unfortunate fashion-wise), my parents can’t even be mad that I won’t be able to help get the house ready for our holiday guests. I am winning as a wounded betch.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    I’ve had a stomach virus for the past two weeks and food goes right through me so I stopped eating (but not drinking, because I still go out, obviously). I’ve lost 12 pounds, betches.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    Thank you for finally addressing those cray cray commenters that don’t know what satire is! Or possibly just need to gt the stick out of their ass…

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    betches this is so true, i’ve lost 3 pounds in a day without lifting a finger.

    Posted on Reply
  20. M says:

    Fucking described my week. I lost 5 pounds without doing shit and I could use the excuse of being sick to be ano and not eat.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Sick betch says:

    Thank god for all the recent cashmere additions to my closet to warm my chills. Ps betches, chicken broth cubes (not soup) 5 calories for 16 oz

    Posted on Reply
  22. LEmercadoZD says:

    <a > are inserts for shoes, that correct any impediment in your walking pattern or discrepancy within the leg length. <a > usually are not just “fallen arch supports,” despite the fact that some are. They perform lots of functions, by slightly altering the angle at which the foot strikes the ground, insoles make standing, walking, and running significantly additional comfortable and a lot more efficient. <a > may be manufactured in numerous different materials, silicone, leather, foam even wood, silicone getting one of the most widely made use of, resulting from it is form retaining properties, becoming both robust, durable and elasticated not to mention inexpensive. <a >shoe lifts inserts </a>, also referred to as foot orthotics offer discomfort relief to sufferers of lots of ailments, such as flat feet, foot, leg, heel, or shin pain, <a >shoe lifts inserts </a> can, inside a excellent several circumstances, present a improved top quality of life. <a > will help if you suffer any with the following ailments, Achilles Tendonitis, Corns, Metatarsalgia, Sesamoiditis, Ankle Sprains, Flat Feet, Neuroma, Tendonitis, Arch Pain, Heel Discomfort, Pronation, Top rated of the foot pain, Bunions, Knee Pain, Shin Pain,Toe Pain. Just about anybody, from children to adults, can benefit from <a >shoe lifts inserts for men </a>. Insoles can alleviate numerous common foot issues that cause pain and discomfort in otherwise healthy persons. An analogy could be created among orthotics (<a >) and eyeglasses, both devices adjust issues that can impair physical function. To know how orthotics function, it is very important recognize the actual mechanics of walking. With every step, the heel ideally should land initial on the ground, From there, the foot begins to flatten after which comes off the ground in the toes. So, in the course of every single step, weight shifts from heel to toes. <a > control how the foot strikes the ground, absorb shock, and reduce anxiety in the foot. Walking is really a complex course of action in which several issues can go incorrect. If a structural problem is present, the foot can collapse beneath the body’s weight. As time passes, anxiety on the feet can result in deformities. One of the foot’s key functions is shock absorbtion, it does this by means of a complicated method in which the arch from the foot flattens slightly. This absorbs and distributes the weight throughout the complete foot. You’ll find two significant complications which will happen. The first problem occurs when the arch does not flatten at all. This ordinarily occurs in a individual having a high arch, referred to as a cavus foot. Since the arch will not flatten, it absorbs shock poorly. As opposed to spreading the weight throughout the entire foot, this can cause discomfort inside the knees, hips, and lower back.To right this condition, an orthotic (shoe insole) is made use of to adjust and even out the get in touch with between the foot along with the ground. This allows the whole foot to assistance the weight from the physique. A unique dilemma outcomes when the arch flattens an excessive amount of. This really is recognized as a planus or flatfoot. A flatfoot is unstable and cannot preserve a suitable arch. As time passes, the weight from the body on an unstable foot can trigger the bones with the foot to grow to be misaligned. This can result in the improvement bunions, hammertoes and also other foot deformities, as well as knee and lower back pain.To address this difficulty, an orthotic with an improved arch may be applied to distribute the weight evenly. Applying <a > offers support, stability, cushioning, plus the vital alignment to help keep the feet, ankles, and lower body comfortable, healthy, and pain-free. Height escalating insoles or heel lifts may also be employed to appropriate any discrepancy in leg length, brought on by injury or natural growth ailments, inserted into the shoe, they are able to either improve your height or as stated above, correct any distinction in leg length, good for vanity too. No matter if you will be an athlete, a policeman, soldier, housewife or just devote all day on your feet, <a > give you discomfort relief and also the comfort to delight in your life.

    Posted on Reply
  23. DQortizTQ says:

    Dark-coloured. White wine. Crystal clear. Purple. Zebra-designed. Striped.Unquestionably, there exists no confines in the variety of colors and styles of <a >tights </a> on the market. Apparently most women (plus some blokes) include a few pairs of <a >tights </a> in their dresser compartments. 
     
    In general anytime you contemplate <a >tights </a> you consider pantyhose or sometimes coarse and rather hot and itchy textile. This no longer is the reality, due to improvements in textiles and fit, there really is a pair of <a >tights </a> these days to match everyone and every style. 
     
    These <a >tights </a> normally have an integrated foot and continue completely up to your stomach. Dependent upon the theme, these <a >tights </a> could possibly have an integrated control-top that helps to tense up the waistline and can make being dressed in dresses and skirts more convenient. Other <a >tights </a> might not have any feet and generally are called leggings. Yet, no matter the styling, they are usually a good option for someone needing to add some sparkle or functionality on their collection. 
     
    While largely a vogue accessory coming in a variety of colors and styles, there is also engineered <a >tights </a> for particular sports utilization. Customarily put on by gymnasts and figure skaters, these pantyhose are manufactured from a little more elasticized materials that will help you retain the musculature and to help keep them warm and comfortable especially during competition and exercises. There’s also specific rehabilitative <a >tights </a> obtainable for men and women afflicted by bloodstream circulation disorders or diabetes, they are also cut from closely woven material and also have an elastic feeling in them. 
     
    It’s not extraordinary to see young gals in brightly colored leg wear to present their most current wardrobe. The fashions seem to shift from year-to-year with thicker patterned <a >tights </a> staying in fashion through the wintertime permitting females to put on dresses and skirts in comfort in the cold temperature to adult females and young girls wearing fairly sheer <a >tights </a> to flaunt their legs. Among the more newest style advances in <a >tights </a> may possibly be the usage of footless <a >tights </a> or leggings. Dependent upon the theme and label these leggings might or might not extend to a stomach. When they won’t extend to your belly, the leggings are just long tubing which can be pulled on - in many instances stopping mid-thigh. For many young gals this gives them the chance to slip on distinctive coloured <a >tights </a>. 
     
    Another arena where <a >tights </a> may be found is on the stage. In many instances female and male characters and ballet dancers will have on <a >tights </a> as a part of their outfit. Needless to say, not to be forgotten about is the utilisation of <a >tights </a> by ballet performers who’ll many times use nude <a >tights </a> as a way to appear as having bare legs. These <a >tights </a> will be normally cut from a far more tightly weaved cloth fabric which will help guard and support the dancer’s groups of muscles throughout severe workout and sets. 
     
    Seriously, which ever the rationale, <a >tights </a> are as prevalent lately as using almost every other type of clothing. Some times <a >tights </a> are engaged as a design add-on, sometimes for health needs and still additionally for fitness application. The world’s your oyster to the style and design, shade and fit of <a >tights </a> - leading them to be an excellent supplement to the wardrobe.

    Posted on Reply
  24. babybetch says:

    I don’t think my klonipin is helping my cold, but damn am I sleeping well.

    Posted on Reply
  25. Anonymous says:

    being sick is also the perfect excuse not to share your drinks, joints, or drugs. “i would totally split this bar with you but i need it cause im sick *cough*cough*” Works every time!

    Posted on Reply
  26. Sick betch says:

    You didn’t mention how sexy that deep raspy bronchitis voice sounds

    Posted on Reply
Post your comment: