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By The Betches on

So it's Decembetch and along with being the betchiest month, it's also a prime month for gross illnesses like the flu and winter coughs. Whether the bro you've been hooking up with pretended not to have bronchitis in order to #8 fuck you, or your 5-night a week partying and drug habit has finally caught up with you, one morning you wake up and realize you're nauseous. And this time it has nothing to do with your acne-ridden nice girl coworker's disgusting new sweater.

Betch, you're sick.


sick note


In most normal corners of betch-hating society, being sick is frowned upon by our parents, doctors and Asians who wear surgical masks in public. But we're here to let you in on the best-kept secret in America. The fact is that any true betch has carefully calculated the merits of feeling like shit and has reasoned that being sick is not THAT bad. (No, we're not talking about serious or life-threatening illnesses, see ya lataz psycho commenters).

Let's delve into why betches love this weakened immune system.

- Sure it's harder to work out when you're sweating profusely from merely lying down, but a cough is a great natural ab workout. Who needs planks when you've got Mono?

- Being sick is a great excuse to not eat or vomit in a semi-healthy way. Now you can't call me anorexic, my medication just curbs my appetite bitch! You should be so lucky as to develop my tapeworm.

- You can't hook up, but as long as you strategically omit that fact while being "too busy" to hang out with a bro who's texting you. Winning never felt so easy. Your text might say, "I can't tonight, raincheck?" But your body is saying, "I can't tonight, I will definitely puke all over the check."


friendsAre you saying you don't wanna get..with..this?


- Besides the obvious sick days from #36 work, a simple note to your professor or boss about the intensity of your vom sessions and the unbearable pain insures that you won't have to work until long after the pain subsides. Which can be like, however long you fucking want because, "I can't do anything, ::cough cough:: I'm sick" you whore.

- Mom, I really want...cough...need...some new sweaters, I feel so cold right now.

- It's also a good excuse to get your roommates and boyfriend to do shit for you. It would be cruel to make you get the door for the delivery guy when you've had a cough for like, 6 hours.

- Being sick gives you another chance to #112 talk about yourself or #80 bitch about your illness and why you're such a trooper, or why you have like, the worst luck (oh no not right before #40 formal!), and others will feel bad for you when normally they're really jealous of you.

- Finally, multiple trips to #10 Candyland are encouraged. Ty-Ty PM for the straight-edge betch, Vicodin and Xanax for the more experienced Pulco betches.

So betches, cherish those moments of being sick for yet another excuse to make it all about number 1, and remember, chicken soup is for fat girls and people with souls.

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26 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. sick betch says:

    hey betches. this post is spot on. as i type this i am sweating profusely, coughing, blowing my nose and not eating at the same time. pretty sure that is burning me some calories. and your totes right about being sick being betchy because now i have an excuse to talk about myself all the time, lounge around the house (bc i’m awn vacation fucking duh).

    Posted on Reply
  2. smag says:

    One of the best parts about being sick is loss of appetite and afterward when you get to enjoy the jealous “You got soo thin when you were sick” comments. Bitch you wish I would cough on you so you could look this good.

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  3. Anonymous says:

    betches don’t sweat, we glisten

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  4. TBBetch says:

    131*. actually, but whatevs.

    Could not be more true. What better opportunity (being hungover is a close second) to stay in bed and still lose weight, not do work, and get things brought to (bought for) you? Coughing beats crunching any day, fucking duh.

    “No I won’t be in until maybe ::cough cough::  next week? We’ll see how I feel.”

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    Best part about being sick? Time to celebrate when it’s all fucking over. And what better way to celebrate than to go on a super betchy holiday to the Caribbean and get some rays to rid yourself of your new vampire chic skin tone?

    Although I suppose we should head to the Maldives or The Yacht Week because a betch’s health should be celebrated with extravagance.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    “I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    “and remember, chicken soup is for fat girls and people with souls.”

    and I’m glad you finally acknowledged the crazy psycho commenters that take everything too fucking seriously

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    It’s also the best way to excuse yourself from Chapter meeting. Plus you know they’re all talking about why you’re not there.

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  9. elle says:

    amen sister

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  10. sick betch says:

    you are so right sister, the fevor was making me delerious. the only time i sweat is when i’m not telling people i’m going to the gym.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    Love the post… now I can feel better that I’m not the only betch missing wine wednesday

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    just got over strep throat… lost 4 pounds because i couldn’t swallow anything for 2 1/2 days. winnnnninggggg! betches being sick if pretty awesome.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    Will you FINALLY just do a betches love friends post? Their clips are at least 4 of your covers, and just admit it already…betches LOVE friends.

    Posted on Reply
  14. normal betch says:

    love how the psycho commenters stopped commenting after this post . get wrecked

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    I’m pretty sure I lost 10 lbs. Right before NYE, LOVE IT!!

    Posted on Reply
  16. Wounded Betch says:

    Pretty much all of this applies to having surgery too, as I did yesterday. The last time I ate was Wednesday night and my appetite still hasn’t returned. Not to mention the free trip to Candyland, thank you Oxycontin. This combo is sure to have me being a skinny, loopy, extra fun betch for the holidays!

    Oh and since I’m in a sling (very unfortunate fashion-wise), my parents can’t even be mad that I won’t be able to help get the house ready for our holiday guests. I am winning as a wounded betch.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    I’ve had a stomach virus for the past two weeks and food goes right through me so I stopped eating (but not drinking, because I still go out, obviously). I’ve lost 12 pounds, betches.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    Thank you for finally addressing those cray cray commenters that don’t know what satire is! Or possibly just need to gt the stick out of their ass…

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  19. Anonymous says:

    betches this is so true, i’ve lost 3 pounds in a day without lifting a finger.

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  20. M says:

    Fucking described my week. I lost 5 pounds without doing shit and I could use the excuse of being sick to be ano and not eat.

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  21. Sick betch says:

    Thank god for all the recent cashmere additions to my closet to warm my chills. Ps betches, chicken broth cubes (not soup) 5 calories for 16 oz

    Posted on Reply
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    Posted on Reply
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    Posted on Reply
  24. babybetch says:

    I don’t think my klonipin is helping my cold, but damn am I sleeping well.

    Posted on Reply
  25. Anonymous says:

    being sick is also the perfect excuse not to share your drinks, joints, or drugs. “i would totally split this bar with you but i need it cause im sick *cough*cough*” Works every time!

    Posted on Reply
  26. Sick betch says:

    You didn’t mention how sexy that deep raspy bronchitis voice sounds

    Posted on Reply
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