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By The Betches on

As a classy betch, chances are you have no problem maintaining the appearance of poise and class. However, along with not giving a shit what people think about you often comes a certain bending of societal norms and rules. I mean, following the rules is for poor people and teachers' pets. In general, those who follow the rules most strictly are the most boring. Ever seen the girl who was the bus safety or hall monitor? It’s a surefire way to end up friendless and fugly. Fuck that. Much like Larry David, betches have their own unwritten rules of society. With that we introduce a betch’s favorite form of conduct: being inappropriate.

How are betches inappropriate? We talk and act in ways that only people this fabulous and hot can get away with. Let’s explore some examples of betchy inappropriateness.

brittney spearsBro, get your own pack

Loudly talking about your pregnancy scare while telling riveting tales of getting fucked on the rooftop of your hotel last weekend to your besties, while dining out & sitting next to a family with two small children under the age of five. No probz. You’re doing those prudes a favor by letting them in on your amazing and scandy life. Spending $100 on an eyebrow wax while your income from your PR job is $30,000 a year. It’s called priorities, betch, and you should tell your dad to get some.


Being conveniently wasted for the entire duration of #35 sorority rush. What, you expect me to talk to these fat fucks for 6 hours without copious amounts of vodka and kpins in my system?

Dropping in "duh" any chance you can get in professional situations. Like during an interview: "My weaknesses? Free shipping deals and online sales. Um duh." If by the slight chance you don't get hired, your interviewer was obviously a geeky loser who just doesn't get it. You and that job just didn't mesh well, your parents will totally understand.

Meeting your parents for brunch dressed in your cut-out dress from last night and hooker heels. If dressing like this doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable, I’m sure as fuck not going to change to ease your minds.

Getting several notifications that you're going to be evicted from your #3 abroad apartment for smoking pot. How is it okay for your old Spanish ass to smoke cigarettes in restaurants but I can't light a joint in the privacy of my own bedroom?

Dressing like a slut while attending church or temple with the gparents. Conveniently, the only people telling you that you’re dressed inappropriately can be labeled pedophiliac priests and prude rabbis. Tell them you’re channeling your inner Mary Magdalene.

Telling HR you were sexually harassed to get out of attending a seminar on sexual harassment. It's just like, so hard to work here and be so hot at the same time.

Spilling your drink on various ugly girls who have pissed you off throughout the semester during #40 formal. It’s not my fault your head got in the way of my vodka soda…maybe next time you’ll think twice before wearing ruffles.

Offering your building security guard drugs and alcohol in exchange for not filing a noise complaint. Blasting house music at 4 in the morning isn't "noise," it's the harmonious sound of beautiful people fulfilling their life's purpose. fatal attraction Coming to work and leaving early because you're 'sick' every single Friday. You expect me to be productive with this hangover? You clearly suck at managing people.

Although betches do what they want and betch wannabes always follow suit, sadly we live in a world where the rules are made up by annoying, fun-sucking virgins. Sometimes we have to be subtle with our blatant disregard for societal appropriateness. But remember that every time you drop the F-bomb in front of your professor or tell your cousin that her new baby will be gorg after her first nose job, you're scoring points for betches everywhere.

So, as some famous historical betch once said “Well-behaved nice girls rarely make history, and were totes the duds of their bestie groups." You think Rosa Parks gave a shit about societal norms of respect and subordination? No, that betch hiked up her skirt, sat her ass down, and told that fucking poor loser bus driver to go fuck himself.

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54 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    betches are back. great post in a sea of recent duds. although personally i’m not retarded enough to say “duh” in that context during a job interview. if you’re interviewing it usually means you actually want the job, and being a betch should never be confused with being a fucking airhead.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    If you’re testing out writers, this one shouldn’t make the cut

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    rosa parks was a betch. outkast even titled a song after her.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Betchhhhh says:

    Fucking genius. Can’t even handle how amazing you betches are xx

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    and ps. inapprop/inapprops is one of the all time best abbrevs <3

    Posted on Reply
  6. Jayemay says:

    Agree w/ anonymous - sounds like an unbetchy new writer

    Posted on Reply
  7. more betchy than this post says:

    seems pretty obvious that all the good writers are now writing the book. these posts are just terrible - losing its edge and just becoming bitchy not betchy.

    nothing wrong with making some money with a book but find some solid replacements especially with all the ads that now showup EVERYWHERE on the homepage.

    the only people who like these posts are the bandwagon readers who love it because they think their betches. vom

    Posted on Reply
  8. Betchtastic says:

    showing up to tutor elementary school kids in my slutty outfit from the night before because I was blackout on a Tuesday

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    Could not be more right

    Posted on Reply
  10. betchbritta says:

    uhm, hellz yeah! this post is fantastic… the betches are back and they are on top of things wink

    Posted on Reply
  11. rachel says:

    so true, such a pet peeve! i get dirty looks from parents all the time, because they don’t like what i’m talking about in front of their kids. it’s like, i didn’t bring your kids around me, YOU did. i’m not raising them, you are, be more responsible, jeez. i don’t start crying loudly in the middle of the restaurant, ruining it for others, so maybe its your KIDS that shouldn’t be here. i don’t expect people to watch their language around me. i hate kids, duh. i don’t give a shit what they hear. if you want them to only hear the verbal equivalent of puppydogs and rainbows, take them to a fucking G-rated movie. don’t take them out in public and expect me to alter my life to suit a midget or your fucking parenting style. It’s a free country and this betch does not care one bit about what you want your kids to hear.

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  12. Anonymous says:

    love it.
    “You think Rosa Parks gave a shit about societal norms of respect and subordination? No, that betch hiked up her skirt, sat her ass down, and told that fucking poor loser bus driver to go fuck himself.”

    good job betches <3

    Posted on Reply
  13. ZvEllE says:

    LOL to add to the list:

    Taking inappropriate pics with your bestie [usually photo taken by dude: TOAL? note to betchy bestie: yes it’s me!]! HAHA

    I just saw this an inappropriate pic on my FB prof pic and lol’ed ...

    Rosa Parks was a legendary betch! power to the sista!

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    stop reading these posts and then bitching about how they are “duds” and “like soooo unbetchy” when you don’t like them.. its “unbetchy” of you to waste your time with something that you clearly don’t like. you are therefore wasting the brain cells of betches who actually READ these posts because we think they are fucking hilarious

    Posted on Reply
  15. ZvEllE says:

    ###usually taken by the DUD.###

    Posted on Reply
  16. HAHAH hilarious says:

    You think Rosa Parks gave a shit about societal norms of respect and subordination? No, that betch hiked up her skirt, sat her ass down, and told that fucking poor loser bus driver to go fuck himself.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Buzzkill says:

    these posts are so stupid, you write about girls that are rude, obnoxious, and probably anorexic and call them “betches”, i call them bitches. Being proud of posts like this is being proud of being a terrible fucking person. Get real jobs and stop living off of daddys money, oh and btw, your friends probably hate you.

    Posted on Reply
  18. anonymous says:

    Oh my god. finally. Seriously story of my life. I am a true betch.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    there’s a difference between being inappropriate in a funny way and being trashy as fuck. a lot of your scenarios are really, really trashy. Namely, the first one.

    Posted on Reply
  20. Betch101 says:

    You are probably fat, prude and fugly. Oh and poor! K bye.

    Posted on Reply
  21. anonymust says:

    Blasting house music at 4 in the morning isn’t “noise,” it’s the harmonious sound of beautiful people fulfilling their life’s purpose.

    so fucking wise

    Posted on Reply
  22. Anonymous says:

    Then why do you read them? Not only that, but why do you feel the need to comment? Since they are “so stupid” they are clearly not worthy of your time. Get off the site and go hang out with your cat.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    It’s always the proverbial “morning after” brunch sometime after noon on a Sunday bc we’re all hungover as fuck… Still wearing that killer skirt and heels from last night and recounting the ridiculous antics from our vip escapades and how we casually walked on to that party bus parked outside the bar. Sorry I’m not sorry that 3 mimosas later your children are fluent in foul language and may or may not have picked up a few sex tips that they definitely don’t teach you in health class.

    Posted on Reply
  24. CJJ says:

    agreed.. first scenario was definately just trashy

    Posted on Reply
  25. Anonymous says:

    when everyone else bashed on all the earlier comments, i disagreed and still laughed at your hilarity. but this column makes betches sound retarded

    Posted on Reply
  26. Anonymous says:

    the rosa parks reference comes off as contrived and politically correct…aka not betchy.

    Posted on Reply
  27. minkbetch says:

    excusing myself from a saturday morning college babysitting interview to vom in their bathroom while still wearing last night’s makeup, later being told by their 4 year old that i have “huge boobies.” not worth the $15 an hour, sorry, but most inappropriate interview of my life.

    Posted on Reply
  28. anonymous says:

    “hellz yeah”? are you fucking serious? last i checked, that term is reserved for middle schoolers’ captions on like fucking myspace photos.

    Posted on Reply
  29. Dani says:

    trashy/ classy…the betch is always tip toeing the border line…so everyone take the sticks outta your asses and chill.  This shit is satire, learn to laugh.  If you live your life around it youre a fucking homo.

    Posted on Reply
  30. alanna says:

    sooooo skanky

    Posted on Reply
  31. Kendall says:

    honestly, this should be the disclaimer before every comment section

    Posted on Reply
  32. chill betch says:

    i agree. it’s supposed to be borderline truth/joke. part of what makes it hilar is because a betch can relate to it in one way or another. and the other part is kind of making fun of that betchiness by taking it to the extreme. it’s all in good fun.

    Posted on Reply
  33. Kendall says:

    honestly, this should be the disclaimer before every fucking comment section.

    Posted on Reply
  34. JLEE says:


    Posted on Reply
  35. Sarah says:

    haha i think you’re the fucking airhead. obvs that was an exaggeration and not meant to be taken literally. what idiot would actually say that or think anyone else would

    Posted on Reply
  36. Chloe says:

    Best ending to a post I have EVER seen

    Posted on Reply
  37. betchduh says:

    ^this. perf.

    Posted on Reply
  38. Anonymous says:

    U have to be kidding me the only way anyone is getting any wear acting like that is by sucking a lot of dick

    Posted on Reply
  39. ASHLEY says:

    I honestly live for your posts girls. Amazing writing, on point! Loves.

    Posted on Reply
  40. omg says:

    I’ve done the same thing…after drinking on a Tuesday…
    I’d say we have the same life except my kids were middle school

    Posted on Reply
  41. Anonymous says:

    lol my exact thought

    Posted on Reply
  42. really? says:

    you have to be kidding thinking you are anything but illiterate. let me know how getting someWHERE works for you smile

    Posted on Reply
  43. Anonymous says:

    Ya it’s such an awkward line. New writer is trying too hard

    Posted on Reply
  44. Lana says:

    Keep your affinity for house music to yourself.  It is not betchy-its moronic and upsetting in the midst of these otherwise genius articles.

    Posted on Reply
  45. Anonymous says:

    Ordering pizza at the high school you work at and having the kids chip in because you’re visibly hungover. Betch.

    Posted on Reply
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