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By The Betches on

"You know you're a stoner when your friends make you a Bob Marley cake. You know you smoke way too much fuckin' weed." - Miley


In accordance with our religious observance of 420, we'd like to honor a true stoner betch and a rare child actor who's almost made it to 20 without a mug shot, Miley Cyrus.

Miley just started being Miley when she starred in Hannah Montana as a pop star who was also a normal girl. When our little sisters attempted to explain the premise of the show we were extremely confused but were still able to conclude the whole thing was masquerade centered around Miley. See, she even had us dazed and confused at the age of 15. Hannah MonImAslut was a shining beacon of narcissism in the post Lizzie McGuire this is what dreeeeeaaams are made of era.

miley cyrus snl


But once Miley broke free of her nice girl Disney contract and hit puberty she was free to do what she wanted, which was strictly partying in the #63 USA. So in between nodding her head like Yeah to JayZ and Britney and touring around the country she was able to get in a little quality time with her best friend, Salvia. After a quick wiki, we find that Salvia is in the mint family, commonly known as Sage. I mean, common Miley, who smokes that shit out of a bong? Left over bitter herbs from Passover?

Despite her loud twang and the fact that if you ever see her teeth alone you might be inclined to ask if we're getting 6 more weeks of winter, Miley is like super hot. No homo. She had a whole scandy photo shoot where annoying prudes like child protective services bitched about her #42 dressing like a slut at such a young age. She has a sick body and her boyfriend is like the hottest fucking Gale I've ever seen. Liam Henmsworth is a certifiable sex machine, complete with an Australian accent and everything.

miley cyrus liam The odds are sooo in her favor

Anyway, Miley's besties include Khlo Khlo, the Biebmister, her dad, and America's favourite grandma Kelly Osbourne. But in spite of her presence in the media, Miley eternally DGAF. She hates the papz and loves to fuck with them. I mean who doesn't put a ring on their engagement finger for kicks? Girls, they wanna have fun, Girls. Everyone's just bugging because they think she has an eating disorder but like, let a girl yoga.


According to google images, this blackout betch hates wearing bras. Clearly if Miley can't be tamed, neither can her nipples. I mean, our gyno's do tell us to occasionally let our bits breathe, but they never say don't do it in public! Like, duh. However Milezy, we can't possibly fathom how you would ever comfortably ride your bike commando. We can barely sit during soul cycle without feeling like we've just been raped. And riding in a tight dress!? Bold moves, betch. We commend you.

So in honor of Miley fooking Cyrus, it's time to let your stoner flag fly today and toke up. But please, leave your rosemary and thyme at home.


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23 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    Cannot stand the bitch. That drawl? Her TTH “boho chic” looks? Miley Cyrus is exactly what you get when white trash wins the lottery.  As the saying goes: you can take the girl out of the trailer park…

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  2. Anonymous says:

    Miley is so freakin annoying, talentless, and hideous

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  3. Less Famous Stoner Betch says:

    Chill betches, 420 is intended to be a peaceful holiday.  More power to a stoner betch <3

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    i fucking loooove this article, it’s so true. anyone who disagrees doesn’t know a true betch when they see one. were you the one of the greatest, if not THE greatest, teen star of the late 00s? first person born in the 90s to have a #1 top 40 hit? most successful tv show in the history of disney? start a purity ring trend for shits and giggles?? bang the cutest jonas brother at the peak of his fame? nope! so hop off betches

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  5. Anonymous says:

    The only thing I respect about Miley Cyrus is thatthe bitch knew she had to get a sick body after her bf signed up for a hundred million-dollar movie franchise if she wanted to keep him. Even I’m surprised what came out under all that baby fat…

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  6. Pro Mi says:

    Miley is the wind beneath my wings. She’s really nice and caring. She’s not trashy at all because she wanted to go to Salvia first rather than pop her marijuana smoking cherry. As for her being talentless, you try singing ” the climb” like she does.

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  7. sororitybetch says:

    go smoke some weed and chill on your lesbian love for miley. like did you really just wikipedia random facts about her or do you have a shrine in your closest?

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  8. disgusted says:

    This MUST be a joke. I can’t bring myself to believe that you “betches” actually have any sort of admiration for this little girl. I had so much respect for you all until now - all lost in one post. Seriously, MILEY???

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  9. miley's betch says:

    miley’s the fucking shit and anyone who actually thinks the hilarious stunts she pulls are offensive or annoying is soooo nawt a betch. how can miley TTH while she simultaneously DGAF. thats what i thought losers. fucking duh. miley for pres!

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  10. this is a joke says:

    when did trashy ugly hillbilly losers become betches? if your dad has ever had a mullet, you are the farthest thing from a betch. also this girl has the trashiest most disgusting ink. i like how she has an om tattoo; as if this f*cking retard even knows that that means

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  11. Anonymous says:

    i get that everyone is calling her a trashy hick but what is betchier than rising up out of the backwoods trailer park and going on to rule disney and all of hollywood?

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  12. Anonymous says:

    you can’t blame her for who her dad is and where she was born. at least miley recognized that she had to escape the hillbilly lifestyle, and actually managed to do it.

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  13. Jules says:

    Miley is, in fact, a trashy hick. Secondly, she DOES NOT rule Disney or Hollywood. If she did, she’d still have a career and wouldn’t have time to ride her bike around with no underwear.

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  14. Anonymous says:

    Chill everybody, she’s just being miley

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  15. Anonymous says:

    “Hannah MonImAslut”? Really?

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    if you’ve ever read a single gossip site or magazine for like, less than a minute, this is common fucking knowledge

    Posted on Reply
  17. e says:


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  18. Anonymous says:

    “Despite her loud twang and the fact that if you ever see her teeth alone you might be inclined to ask if we’re getting 6 more weeks of winter…-”

    Brillz!  love love it!

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    My thoughts exactly with an extra amen regarding gale. You may need to research the potency of said Passover herbs though.. #justbeingmiley

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  20. im so sure says:

    the people bashing good ole miley are probably some taylor swift loving psychos. she’s mad because liam is taken and she cant sink her greedy little man eater paws into him, therefore her fans hate miley. personally, i’d take miley in that fight, trailer park girls know how to throw down..

    anyway, can’t knock a betch because of her success. i mean she’s obvs doing something right since she’s a bajillionaire. also, she is putting new stuff out on youtube all the time, and she still has a career and for those of you who don’t think she does why don’t you try starting work at age 11. you’d want to take a break after almost 10 years too. give the betch a break.

    Posted on Reply
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