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By The Betches on

We imagine that upon seeing this week's Betch of the Week many of you had a small fit of confusion, followed by a loud 'who the fuck is this?!' Being the television connoisseurs that we are, we understand that our fans' channels rarely stray from E!/Bravo/HBO/Showtime and maybe TBS from 4-6 on weekdays.


betty draperRemember the time she made you cry using just her words?


However, this just doesn't fly for us. Just as we opened our minds to foreign cultures while #3 abroad, like when we blackout grinded with a Roman or vommed rebujitos, we also stepped out of our comfort zones when it came to TV shows. And betch are we happy we did, because if some bro hadn't casually mentioned that he idolized the pro that is Don Draper on AMC, we would have never met TV's modern Grace Kelly, Betty Draper.

For those of you who don't have a severe case of ADD and are able to follow Mad Men, you'll agree that Betty is a total betch. Not only was her character modeled after the princess of a country the size of Nantucket, but she is like sooo #5 skinny. And the only thing we love more than Betty's small frame is the fact that the show doesn't push the whole "she's naturally skinny" bit. The bitch literally does not eat. Don says so, her kids say so. All she does is smoke all day and make really nasty faces at poor people and her children. Does this not sound like the perfect use of anyone's time?

So yeah, Betty is kind of a bitch. She has no idea what proper motherhood or adulthood entail, as she hasn't even graduated to seeing an adult psychologist yet. I mean, what do you expect from a woman who grew up on the Main Line, graduated with a bullshit Anthropology degree, and then moved to Italy to model? TG she stayed away from the pasta because we're pretty sure she would have never met Donnyboy.

betty draperWhat did I tell you about eating!?

Her marriage to her ex-husband Don Draper was a complete whirlwind. She married him because he was hot, rich(ish), and gave her furs. I mean.... we're down. But after a few years he started cheating on her with women her complete opposite: brunettes with souls. Betty totally did not deserve this! Especially from a bro who turned out to actually be povo. So like a true betch, she got her revenge by immediately divorcing him after he divulged his deepest insecurities and secrets.


But we do have to say, naming your kid Gene? For reals? Yeah sure that was your dad's name, but Baby Gene just sounds like a Michael Jackson song.

Never mind all that because Betty is now married to Henry Francis, the governor of New York's bitch. She's unhappy, but can you really blame her? She exchanged a hot advertising pro for a pair of old gray saggy balls whose name sounds like he was the product of royal Hapsburg incest. We refuse to call her Betty Francis because we predict their marriage isn't going to last much longer, seeing as this relationship is the equivalent of a history professor fucking a 15 year old.

So when season 5 of Mad Men premieres on Sunday watch out for the betchiest housewife of the '60s. Since her tolerance is that of an infant, we hope she drinks more this season and fooks more bros at bars. After all, she needs to set a good example for her daughter if Sally ever wants to be Betch of the Week. Blackout Betty, blackout!!


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15 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    You betches hit it every time. You are enormously talented writers. Even when your advice sounds shallow, its actually on point every time. One of my faves is when you commented on all of the diets out there. You hit the true gist of each one. You are amazing betches.

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  2. Hibz says:

    Oh my God, this is awesome. PLEASE start reviewing this show…from both the pro AND betch perspective! Trust me, there’s enough betchiness, secrets/lies/cheating and hot guys/girls to keep everyone interested.

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  3. Betch says:

    Thank god someone recognizes the awesomeness of Betty Draper, who is like the pinnacle of betchiness. I’m sick of feminists and betch-haters trying to convince me that that fatty Christina Hendricks is a “sex symbol”. Please - maybe if she dropped like 50 pounds.

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  4. sara says:

    seriously. recap from pro and betch perspective. this could have just made my day.

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  5. Anonymous says:

    there is a difference between curvy and fat. christina hendricks is the latter

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  6. Please says:

    I wish people wouldn’t call Joan/ CH fat. Sure *I* wouldn’t want to be that size, but she is a major betch on the show—she can manipulate men (and women) like no other by using her sexiness.

    Betty is a betch as well but seems so miserable all the time. I really wouldn’t want to be *any* of the women on this show tbh, except for that girl Joy who Don hooked up with in California…she was super rich and did whatever she wanted. Gorgeous as well. That is the kind of betch I want to be!

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  7. lol says:

    hahahaha that was awesome. “Go upstairs!” “Go watch tv!” “I just want quiet!”

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  8. Anonymous says:

    Idk something about Joy weirded me the fuck out.  Betchiest side character ever was the girl in season 1 with the department store (speaking of Jewish betches).

    Betty is def hottest with a great diva attitude, but you’re not a betch if you’re not getting what you want at the end of the day, and she’s not.  She cares wayyyy too much about what people think.

    CH on the other hand doesnt give a shit.  She has some of the most classic unforgettable lines.  “Look at them - they’re all so unhappy, and they want to bring you down with them.”  a.k.a. Eff the haters, I have way more fun, screw you fugly cat ladies, I’m going out.  Also when dud peggy makes fun of CH for not being skinny: “And yet I never wonder what men think of me.”  I mean even her closeted lesbian friend wanted her, and CH was just like ummm ew (in a classy way).

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  9. Anonymous says:

    tbs 4-6 on weekdays…love you betches. the ONLY time to workout!

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  10. Betchy Betch says:

    Christina Hendricks isn’t just fat - she’s fucking obese. Here’s a candid picture of her if you don’t believe me - this is what she really looks like when she’s not wearing that girdle she wears during shoots for Mad Men and on the red carpet. She’s a fucking cow. Read it and vom: Hendricks Italy Bathing Suit/christina-hendricks-fat-0.jpg

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  11. Anonymous says:

    Too bad Betty got fat as fuck.

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  12. na says:

    beefy downer’s a cunt. not tight

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  13. Brodie says:

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  14. Sarah says:

    betty is the betchiest betch out of all betches cus she went to bryn mawr hollaaaa

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