As we're sure you're aware from the spontaneous rants we like to go on about movies in the genre of Valentine's Day, New Year's Eve is the movie we were fucking born to rip apart. Ever since Love Actually (a movie we loved actually) came out, Hollywood has suffered from the delusion that jamming lots of flashy celebs into a movie with multiple faux-inspiring but pathetic plot lines, set to the most popular song of 6 months ago, is a recipe for box office gold.
And maybe it is, in measurements of like, box office profit. Too bad this can't be achieved without hiring writers who were in a vegetative coma during the writing process, but it's okay because Toshiba and Nivea were there to subsidize the salaries of 40 A-List actors.
On the sellout scale, this movie is the love child of a Hallmark card and a Xenadrine commercial on proverbial crack. It's like, let's take as many Academy Award winners as possible and make their careers seem like huge jokes. It's on par with doing a Viagra commercial, something we'd expect from Josh Duhamel or Ashton Kutcher. But seriously Hilary Swank. Are your Mo Kushla days so far behind you already? Clint Eastwood would roll over in his grave... if he were you know, dead.
To be honest, most of the time we had no fucking idea what was going on. It was almost like watching clips from completely separate horrible movies. So in honor of this disjointed piece of cinematic crap, we're going to put just as much work into reviewing it in legitimate paragraph form as the writers did into developing legitimate story arcs.
- Opening scene: Michelle Pfeiffer getting off a bus so we know she's poor, Hilary Swank smiling at a Times Square Toshiba sign so we know she's stupid.
- "We're testing out the confetti!" ...Cut to people throwing confetti off a roof.
- Katherine Heigl's in pathetic lonely loser mode, surprise surprise. She actually said this line: "You left before I could even make one meal in our apartment, you walked out before I even unpacked the groceries!" ...Yeah Heigl, he took the carrots and ran.
- The story with Michelle Pfeiffer and Zac Efron was absolutely ridiculous. He wants to help "make all her New Years resolutions happen by midnight" in exchange for fucking gala tickets!? Chill out Prince Charming, never mind that this wouldn't happen, her NYE resolutions involve sappy shit like: save a life, walk the 5 boroughs in one day, go to Bali, "be amazed", fuck an underage closeted actor playing a mail courier. Actually, the last one is the only thing that could've helped this movie. [PS. Why was Michelle Pfeiffer dressed as the bag lady from Home Alone 2? It's like, you have a job, stop looking like you just got out of a psych ward.]
- Lea Michele is a fucking Broadway show.
- Ashton Kutcher's name was Randy, enough said.
- Abigail Breslin was wearing more makeup than Rupaul.
- Bon Jovi playing a spray tanned washed up musician named Jensen? Talk about art imitating life.
- Hillary Swank makes this horrible inspirational speech about how NYE is all about "starting over," and everyone in NYC appears to stop and watch her on TV. Correction Hil, for betches NYE is about one thing only, blacking out. And there's about 0 chance anyone would be paying attention in NYC yet in the film they nod in agreement. I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.
- Halle Berry, you won an Oscar. Yet this movie just set aspiring black actresses back 50 years.
- The best was the disconnected duet with Bon Jensen and Lea Michele. Like the fucking Sound of Music but even more gay. Wish the movie theater seats came with barf bags.
- Robert DeNiro's dying wish is to see the ball drop? I'd rather watch Zac Efron's balls drop.
- More on Robert DeNiro being in this movie in the first place. No doubt his agent came to him and said something like "look Bobby, you should do this movie, I know it's bullshit, but it's like $2 million to show up for 45 minutes in your pajamas...nope, no makeup...we'll even let you be in only the scenes with the other Oscar winners."
- Does anyone have a gun?
- Seth Meyers should do the fucking Weekend Update reel on himself. Really, Seth Meyers? You're going to be in a movie where you want to make money off of your baby but at the last minute decide it's not the right thing to do, REALLY!?
- Next role for Hugo Stiglitz from Inglourious Basterds is some awkward as fuck Bulgarian whose wife looks like she's homeless or works at Anthroplogie. Somebody's career's really thriving.
- Is there anyone out there who's ever called Ryan Seacrest "Mr. New Year's Eve"?
- At any point before this movie came out did it occur to the producers/writers/anyone involved in the making of this film that you got through more than half of the movie and actually had no idea what any of the characters' names were...and you didn't care. Why is no one like, embarrassed to have their name attached to this? Like this movie had to have been Take 1.
- "Remember, follow your heart" ...Noted.
- Alissa Milano makes a cameo with one line as a nurse wtf ....can she like, not get a job?
- Jessica Biel wearing a tempur pedic as a pregnant belly. Looks mad comf yo, wish someone would fucking suffocate me with it.
So, if you want to spend two hours of your day dreaming of better
things drugs you could've done with your $12 while simultaneously wanting to shoot yourself in the face, go see New Year's Eve. Take it as a seasonal reminder that with enough drive, you too can take a $56 million dollar shit and call it a movie.