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By The Betches on

As we're sure you're aware from the spontaneous rants we like to go on about movies in the genre of Valentine's Day, New Year's Eve is the movie we were fucking born to rip apart. Ever since Love Actually (a movie we loved actually) came out, Hollywood has suffered from the delusion that jamming lots of flashy celebs into a movie with multiple faux-inspiring but pathetic plot lines, set to the most popular song of 6 months ago, is a recipe for box office gold.

And maybe it is, in measurements of like, box office profit. Too bad this can't be achieved without hiring writers who were in a vegetative coma during the writing process, but it's okay because Toshiba and Nivea were there to subsidize the salaries of 40 A-List actors.

abigailOkay we get it Abby, you didn't grow up to be fat

On the sellout scale, this movie is the love child of a Hallmark card and a Xenadrine commercial on proverbial crack. It's like, let's take as many Academy Award winners as possible and make their careers seem like huge jokes. It's on par with doing a Viagra commercial, something we'd expect from Josh Duhamel or Ashton Kutcher. But seriously Hilary Swank. Are your Mo Kushla days so far behind you already? Clint Eastwood would roll over in his grave... if he were you know, dead.

To be honest, most of the time we had no fucking idea what was going on. It was almost like watching clips from completely separate horrible movies. So in honor of this disjointed piece of cinematic crap, we're going to put just as much work into reviewing it in legitimate paragraph form as the writers did into developing legitimate story arcs.

- Opening scene: Michelle Pfeiffer getting off a bus so we know she's poor, Hilary Swank smiling at a Times Square Toshiba sign so we know she's stupid.

- "We're testing out the confetti!" ...Cut to people throwing confetti off a roof.

- Katherine Heigl's in pathetic lonely loser mode, surprise surprise. She actually said this line: "You left before I could even make one meal in our apartment, you walked out before I even unpacked the groceries!" ...Yeah Heigl, he took the carrots and ran.

- The story with Michelle Pfeiffer and Zac Efron was absolutely ridiculous. He wants to help "make all her New Years resolutions happen by midnight" in exchange for fucking gala tickets!? Chill out Prince Charming, never mind that this wouldn't happen, her NYE resolutions involve sappy shit like: save a life, walk the 5 boroughs in one day, go to Bali, "be amazed", fuck an underage closeted actor playing a mail courier. Actually, the last one is the only thing that could've helped this movie. [PS. Why was Michelle Pfeiffer dressed as the bag lady from Home Alone 2? It's like, you have a job, stop looking like you just got out of a psych ward.]

nye movieWTF are we doing here?

- Lea Michele is a fucking Broadway show.

- Ashton Kutcher's name was Randy, enough said.

- Abigail Breslin was wearing more makeup than Rupaul.

- Bon Jovi playing a spray tanned washed up musician named Jensen? Talk about art imitating life.

- Hillary Swank makes this horrible inspirational speech about how NYE is all about "starting over," and everyone in NYC appears to stop and watch her on TV. Correction Hil, for betches NYE is about one thing only, blacking out. And there's about 0 chance anyone would be paying attention in NYC yet in the film they nod in agreement. I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

- Halle Berry, you won an Oscar. Yet this movie just set aspiring black actresses back 50 years.

- The best was the disconnected duet with Bon Jensen and Lea Michele. Like the fucking Sound of Music but even more gay. Wish the movie theater seats came with barf bags.

- Robert DeNiro's dying wish is to see the ball drop? I'd rather watch Zac Efron's balls drop.

- More on Robert DeNiro being in this movie in the first place. No doubt his agent came to him and said something like "look Bobby, you should do this movie, I know it's bullshit, but it's like $2 million to show up for 45 minutes in your pajamas...nope, no makeup...we'll even let you be in only the scenes with the other Oscar winners."

- Does anyone have a gun?

- Seth Meyers should do the fucking Weekend Update reel on himself. Really, Seth Meyers? You're going to be in a movie where you want to make money off of your baby but at the last minute decide it's not the right thing to do, REALLY!?

- Next role for Hugo Stiglitz from Inglourious Basterds is some awkward as fuck Bulgarian whose wife looks like she's homeless or works at Anthroplogie. Somebody's career's really thriving.

- Is there anyone out there who's ever called Ryan Seacrest "Mr. New Year's Eve"?

- At any point before this movie came out did it occur to the producers/writers/anyone involved in the making of this film that you got through more than half of the movie and actually had no idea what any of the characters' names were...and you didn't care. Why is no one like, embarrassed to have their name attached to this? Like this movie had to have been Take 1.

- "Remember, follow your heart" ...Noted.

- Alissa Milano makes a cameo with one line as a nurse wtf ....can she like, not get a job?

- Jessica Biel wearing a tempur pedic as a pregnant belly. Looks mad comf yo, wish someone would fucking suffocate me with it.

So, if you want to spend two hours of your day dreaming of better things drugs you could've done with your $12 while simultaneously wanting to shoot yourself in the face, go see New Year's Eve. Take it as a seasonal reminder that with enough drive, you too can take a $56 million dollar shit and call it a movie.

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28 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Molly says:

    Thanks betcheslovethis for ripping this apart. It was much needed.

    Posted on Reply
  2. mrs says:

    This is literally what I was saying the whole time during the movie. 100% correct.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    Fucking Lea Michele. Can’t deal.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    i gagged when zac efron kissed michelle pfeiffer. but really.
    and i like the seth myers imitation

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    okay THIS is the type of witty, smart writing you guys began with. keep it up.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    thank you for finally mentioning love actually. i hate when people are like “oh my god they’re totally copying valentines day!” its like no, they’re both sad attempts of remaking the best movie ever, love actually. fucking duh.
    and love actually is also so much better because the actors are all british.

    but bravo, couldnt agree more on this post

    Posted on Reply
  7. OneHotBetch says:

    Yeah, I decided not to see this when I saw the previews and was like wtf is this even about? Also because Leah Michelle bothers me.

    Posted on Reply
  8. FakeIntlBetch says:

    Was anyone else INCREDIBLY bothered by Sarah Jessica Parker, or was it just me? She plays the same role in every film and TV show her horsey face has ever appeared in. Down to the shoes at the end of the film. Also, she’s almost 50, and honestly not as hot as Josh Duhammel. Their whole romance was forced and awkward.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    the only good part of the movie was in the credits when jessica biel birthed two copies of the Valentines Day DVD…

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    Greattttttttt post but i’m surprised you guys didn’t mention that they named Matthew Broderick Mr. Buellerton.  Like, they couldn’t come up with a new name?  Vom.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    shouldn’t the post be called “betches actually didn’t like this movie at all”?

    Posted on Reply
  12. HaterBetch says:

    Is anyone else always incredibly bothered by Sarah Jessica Parker?  Just saying…

    Posted on Reply
  13. Regina says:

    To reference one of the betchiest, Regina George, “Oh my god, I love your bracelet; where did you get it?”

    Much betchier to mockingly say you love it when it fact it’s the most atrocious thing you’ve seen.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Judge Me says:

    This movie’s poor sales are one step closer to the abolition of ensemble rom-coms altogether. TG

    Posted on Reply
  15. Kathryn says:

    Can we talk about how we’re supposed to believe that SJP is the older sister of Zac Effron?  She could be his mother…the woman is almost 50 years old.  And she winds up with Josh Duhamel?  Also an age inappropriate match.  Your horse face isn’t fooling anyone SJP, start Acting parts in your AGE bracket.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    Oh my god best post written in a long time. Fucking awesome job

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    It totally sucked. My friend is in it and when I visited her on set it was a complete joke.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    Can you please dedicate an entire post to how unbetchy Lea Michele is?

    Posted on Reply
  19. Annoynmus says:

    First off I am a huge Sex in the City fan but, SGP is the ugliest effing women alive and how in the hell did she end up with Josh Duhamel in the end who is such a dime piece and like 30 years younger than her? Obvi, the movie was going to be like Valentine’s Day and everyone’s lives were gonna connect blah blah but, any movie were Zac Efron and Abigail Breslin are in it and related makes me want to gag I’m so ashamed to say that I actually went to see this.

    Posted on Reply
  20. Kelly says:

    Even if the movie is horribly cheesy, I have seen so many people including myself come in to the movie thinking with your perspective and came out of it LOVING life. Yes it was ridiculous and fake, but it was fun, lighthearted, and just made me happy to celebrate the holidays and have a good time. It was a wonderful, unrealistic, playful time.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    Couldn’t agree more. Lea Michele fucking sucks. Her name literally oozes nice-girl-annoyingness. And then she opens her mouth…Betches need to write a post ripping on her

    Posted on Reply
  22. Amen! says:

    the only missing rip is fucken lea michelle breaking out into spontaneous song and dance while being stuck in a fucken elevator 10 mins before new years. #epitomeofvomit

    Posted on Reply
  23. slender betch says:

    ...Lea Michele looks identical to Rebecca Black. Legit twins. From the terrible singing to the haircut. Loves it

    And my boyf got tickets to see this movie for free through his work. Didn’t even waste money on it. Too perf

    Posted on Reply
  24. but actually says:

    is what i’ve been trying to tell people for ages.

    Posted on Reply
  25. Anonymous says:

    Thank you thank you thank you.
    Love you betches!

    Posted on Reply
  26. donny says:

    New Year’s Eve is a very cool movie.Watch that many times,just can’t get it out of your mind.

    Posted on Reply
  27. Alex says:

    The Sarah Jessica Parker and Josh Duhamel thing. As if the movie wasn’t terrible enough already, they had to throw that in? Ex-fucking-scuse me? Stop.

    Posted on Reply
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