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By The Betches on

After seeing a preview for this movie we were like, shit this is fucking perfect, a movie about a thirty-something betch still acting betchy? That like, never happens. Usually we get stuck watching Katherine Heigl portray a pathetic whiny nice girl.

But now that we saw it we were like, shit this is fucking scary. Not only was Charlize Theron a complete psychopath old BSCB, but there was a frightening realization for us: getting married is not the most important lesson of growing up, staying fucking married is.

The beginning of the movie was amazing and still holds a place in our hearts. It starts with Char passed out after blacking out the night before. Betchy. Then she wakes up looking like a hot mess (check), chugs Diet Coke to hydrate (double check), puts on her Uggs and feeds her little dog (fucking bingo.) We were just in shock and convinced the script was gilded, we didn't even have to finish watching it!

young adult adUm, pretty sure this was me this morning

No, but seriously, we should have just stopped watching. It was a quality movie by "cinematic" standards but Charlize's behavior in a lot of the scenes made us cringe, and not in the way iced coffee tastes after the ice has melted. It can be compared to watching fat people have sex.

The movie took a turn when we found out that Charlize's character's name is Mavis. Yeah, we're not kidding. Okay we get it Jason Reitman, you like weird names almost as much as you like yourself. We were cool with Juno but Mavis? What, her parents named her after the truck she was conceived in?

[Side Note: We totally didn't catch that the movie was a Jason Reitman movie, or that it was produced by Jason Reitman or that it was directed by Jason Reitman, like at all. Maybe you should have written it three more times in the opening credits.]

Putting all of this aside, the awk part was when we realized that Mavis is actually too betchy for her age to still be betchy. She was an un-evolved betch, not a cool betchy mom. So really all we saw was a completely delusional delusional dater. Mavis makes your DD bestie look like she's getting a daily bouquet of roses from the bro who she does secretive timed drive-bys of his house. The bitch is a brainwave-dancing, Men are from Mars-reading, Dr. Phil ticket-holding friend of Lea Michelle, know what I'm saying?

young adult awardReach for the penthouse, Mavis

But we'll admit that there were some really fucking hysterical moments, ones that we almost didn't like because they were too real, but they ultimately made the movie. Charlize's character was just a 22 year old stuck in a 37 year old woman's body. Just how we don't immediately smile when we see an ugly baby, Mavis gets nauseous. Oh and staring down the Asian manicurist as if you're convinced she's hiding something while she's cutting your cuticles...who like, doesn't do that? And she was a writer, which personally scared us a bit. Whatevs, we're over it.

So all in all, even though this storyline scared the shit out of us, at the end of the day, there was something inherently lovable about Main Betch Mavis. She might be a delusional, narcissistic, peaked in high school sociopath but her realization of all this lasts only 5 minutes before she's out of hick town and back to the 'big city' of Minneapolis. Lol at that. Oh, and when she told the midget's sister that she was made for small town bumblefuck and was simply not betchy enough for a cool life, we realized fuck it, we'd go for drinks with her.

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15 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. over it says:

    losing your touch, betches

    Posted on Reply
  2. BH BETCH says:

    hahahahaha now I don’t even have to see the movie. Cringing is so unbetchy.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    i have to say…i generally love all your posts, even the ones that aren’t the funniest, but this one kind of doesn’t make sense…still drunk from sunday funday?

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    Agreed. After reading through this mediocre post I’m not entirely sure what it says.

    Posted on Reply
  5. yabetch says:

    loved the clueless reference, amazing

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    Omgggggg.  I literally do not go a day in my life without thinking about how unbetchy cringing is.  People really need to recognize.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    Ignore the prior comments, those girls undoubtedly would have passed up this movie to watch some shit like New Year’s Eve.

    This post is perfect: I found Young Adult simultaneously hilarious and horrifying. I could kind of identify, and this makes me terrified I’ll age into a lonely ( but at least still thin and gorgeous) psycho.

    Basic question- Can I act like a betch now and yet somehow grow into a mature fulfilled adult with meaningful relationships?

    It’s sooo unbetchy to even ask, but this movie made me worry that betch= eventually alone/fake/isolated from reality

    Posted on Reply
  8. Newport betch says:

    Muchh better than the previous few posts!! Love!! Btw, the clueless reference made my life

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    Maybe you just have reading comprehension issues…

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    I’m like the biggest Clueless fan ever and feeling soooo unbetchy right now, where are they referencing it??!!

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    Spot on post betches. Just left midnight showing of the movie thinking “oh my god..like what the fuck”. I was expecting some smart comedy or whatever but that movie was like, a glimpse into the life of a real sociopath. Not everyone’s favorite BSCB, but a genuine sociopath.

    Great movie…won’t watch it again though. Mostly because those two or maybe even three times I cringed I def felt extremely unbetchy

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    Though she was obvi a out of her mind sociopath who fucked a fat cripple, you have to give some credit to her complete betchy behavior and comments. She drank more than any #pro, gave a shit about absolutely no one, #talked shit to anyone about everyone, all while looking effortlessely beautiful (minus that horrendous pleather jacket hoodie thing…WTF char.) Betches, you were mostly right, but you couldve included some of her betchy dialogue.:

    Fat crip: “Mavis Gary? I think we went to high school together.”
    Mavis: “At the same time?”

    Fat crip: “What are you doing back in Mercury? Did you move back or…”
    Mavis: “Of course not. Gross.”

    -in response to her date telling her he worked in south east Asia-
    ‘Oh man that mustve sucked’
    ‘actually it was one of the rewarding experiences of my life’
    ‘ha oh.’

    She sleeps with men, doesn’t give a fuck, leaves them there. Total betch move. So although the plot line is totally psychotic and unbetchy, some of her character traits are purely betch.

    Posted on Reply
  13. jojo says:

    Actually, Diablo Cody wrote this film, not Jason Reitman. he just directed

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    “The bitch is a brainwave-dancing, Men are from Mars-reading, Dr. Phil ticket-holding friend of Lea Michelle, know what I’m saying?” It’s like that part where Dionne and Cher are driving with Murray and he’s explaining how he thinks Christian’s gay and he says something about Oscar Wilde. Don’t sweat it betch, it was like semi-obscure as far as Clueless references go.

    Posted on Reply
  15. MAVIS says:

    Mavis is a fucking great name.  Suck it in the mouth, betches.

    Posted on Reply
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