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By The Betches on

Honestly, we walked into this movie soo fucking excited to rip it apart and mock the collagen in Anna Farris' upper lip from now until the rapture. But no, this turned out to be the one time we wrongly judged a book by its cover an actress by her botched botox.

Like we mentioned in #93 sexual mapping, keeping track of one's number is common among betches. We don't know what non-betches do, but we suspect that nice girls don't have a number, hookers can't count to their number, and Chaz Bono recently got to start from zero.

Either way, the goal is generally to keep your number down in life as well as in this movie. Anna reads in the outdated bible Cosmo that men don't want to marry betches who have slept with over 20 men. Um sorry Anna, but men are more likely to hook up with someone who’s fucked upwards of 20 guys than marry a woman they randomly fucked years ago who recently stalked them down in a fit of pitiful desperation.

movie coverThe French are clever

Anna Farris' character was: an interesting ball of mess. Just as we were getting accustomed to her stationary face, we were shocked by how skinny she is, like she's actually tiny. We wanted her to be gross and old! Much like this movie, Anna exceeded our expectations by having us initially think we were going to be watching a fat, overacting Jessica Simpson for 2 hours.

As usual, because we were stoned we: don't remember her character's name, but her last name was Darling which made us throw up our #44 Diet Coke so let's just call her Anna. We're introduced to her being fired from her job, after which she gets on the subway (ew) and starts #80 bitching to an old woman that her number's too high. With that box of office supplies next to her she should've just made a sign that said "I'M UNEMPLOYED WILL SUCK DICK FOR $$" and held onto it with a pair of fingerless gloves.

So she's a little bit of a #7 BSCB. Immediately after making a toast to "making good decisions" she starts dancing on the bar. Cut to next scene: she wakes up with that guy from The Soup, V-card maxed out. We don’t believe her number was only 20.

This movie further proves our theory on: guy friends. There's no way she would have that hot of a neighbor without giving him a thought prior to their interactions in this movie. Nor would he be interested in chasing after the ex-boyfriends of the skinny hot-ish blonde who lives next door? He's also a little too hot for her, even for a penniless sitar player. Why would he make those little creepy shrines for her little creepy clay figurines? Why does she make those? Why will the PSP play at a wedding but not a bar-mitzvah?

Congrats to Anna for: actually #32 winning really effectively. It made us and the bar we set an inch above the floor really proud.

movie coverWho jumps in a river naked? It's Boston.

Some things that bothered us:

- Why did Anna Farris carry that fugly backpack everywhere? Like, would you ever bring your monogrammed LL Bean to brunch at Cipriani?

- She would never lose her virginity to that guy with braces who brought a sock puppet to pop a girl's cherry, even if it was Andy Samberg.

- Did anyone else notice that the scenes in the commercial were not in the movie? That’s like when they made that movie with Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyl look like it was going to be some raunchy romcom, but instead we were left cringing for 2 hours watching shaky sex because Jake was fucking a girl with Parkinson’s. False advertising is a bitch.

- Her sister, who looked like Bette Midler if she was reverse-aged and wearing a wig, was a horrible sister-bestie, shitty actress, and also had a husband that was far too hot for her.

- The scene when Anna Farris pretended to have a British accent to date the British guy was a hilarious combination of Anne Hathaway in One Day and a really shitty SNL skit. We really hate Anne Hathaway.

- The end scene where she got the "master list of all the weddings going on in the city" to find her penniless sitar player. Were the writers awake for this?

Just to point out one more thing we were right about: everyone in movies has iPhones now because they read this website.

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13 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    I fucking hate Anne Hathaway. Thanks for including #talkingshit about her in this post. Anna Farris would most likely be in the same boat of horrific mediocrity had her parents not elected to add an “A” to the end of her name instead of an “E” (Anna vs. Anne) and thus given her some slight exotic appeal. Oh wait, never mind, they both fucking suck.

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  2. SB betch says:

    i also fucking hate anne hathaway. fucking huge mouth + terrible dress sense + personality worse than my grandmother’s wallpaper from the 40s.

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  3. Katherine says:

    Hahaha that shit is brilliant why have a never heard that before?

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  4. um says:

    i’m so happy to hear about your anne hathaway hate! i love anna tho even tho her face looks so fucked up in this movie :(

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  5. Anonymous says:

    penniless sitar player!!!!!!!!!!

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  6. Anonymous says:

    Lmfao the penniless sitar player. I cant. I saw this with a few betches n we laughed our asses off…. But seriously wtf was up with her upper lip. It looked like she has a cleft lip repair like yesterday

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  7. Anonymous says:

    firstly, love your moulin rouge ref with the sitar and whatnot. secondly, how much did a hollywood PR exec pay you to write this post? lame.

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  8. Anonymous says:

    Anna was definitely a betch in this movie. I loved it! But no matter how hot the poor neighbor is, a true betch would have probably stuck it out with the hot rich guy.

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  9. betch says:

    fuck that, they werent looking at cosmo, it was lucky (ew) and cosmo is still the BIBLE

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  10. betch abroad says:

    my fav part was deff the commitment anna’s character put into the whole accent switching. just keep going with it. dont stop even if u f-up.

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  11. Courtney says:

    I went to the theater after a day of day drinking to see this with my equally betchy friend and I left after 40 minutes. It sucked. Anna Farris not the best actor. Chris Evans way to hot for her (and he not even that hot).

    This post made me laugh more than the movie! And totes agree about Anne Hathaway… she is not betchy enough to be playing Cat Woman. Ugh

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  12. Anony says:

    I work at Marie Claire, and it was actually Marie Claire she was reading the article from. We had a premiere for it.

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  13. blondebetch says:

    ew…anna is 35…and her husband is tre fugly

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