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By The Betches on

Dear Betches,

First off, I'm in love with your site. With you guys being the pros that you are, I need some betchy advice.

All last school year I kinda liked this bro and we hooked up every once awhile but he was a total flake and I couldn't deal with it anymore. Being the betch that I am, I went to the extreme, I went for his brother.

Now occasionally hooking up with the brother and the other bro knows about it, what is a betch to do? It all started to prove to the bro I wouldn't wait around for him, but now I realize I made a mistake if that is possible.


Sibling Scandal

Dear Sibling Scandal,

This sounds like something straight out of the Montel Williams show. Hooking up with two brothers to get back at one is kind of trashy and you really won’t have any future with either brother if he finds out you’ve been #8 fucking the other one.

This is super incestuous, and not in the hot Vampire Diaries or One Tree Hill kind of way. Brothers will hook up with the same girl for laughs but no guys seriously date the girl who’s so desperate for dick that she’s willing to keep it in the family. There’s not branching out and then there’s being unsure if your pregnancy scare would make your guy a father or an uncle. Not betchy.

We get that jealousy is a powerful tool in manipulating bros, but really? His brother? Hook up with someone he hates, not someone he's going to #1 talk shit about you with for the rest of his fucking life. Our advice is to move on from this entire family and find a someone to hook up with who’s outside this genetic pool of literal bros.


The Betches


Dear Betch, So I've recently arrived at college and though I'm of course #127 Not Branching Out and simultaneously in tons of #22 Group Photogs and#6 Mobile Uploads with people who just really want to hang out with me, I've encountered a small social problem: the money issue. Like, in high school me and all my friends had money and it wasn't an issue when we went out for #72 Sushi and we racked up a bill that was like over 15 dollars a person. But now I'm in college with all these girls who seem betchy until they look at me weird when they borrow a pair of my shoes and realize they're Prada. Even the wealthy betches who got Tiffany #30 Graduation Gifts want to save money! So mostly I suck it up and drink the cheap vodka (beer is for peasants). I even occasionally complain how "expensive" stuff is! But still some of my friends tell me that my lifestyle is making some of our other friends "uncomfortable." But when they ask me what I'm doing over break, am I supposed to lie about staying at a Four Seasons in the Caribbean? What should I do? Because there is no way I'm taking off my Yurman or putting away my Marc Jacobs to make some other betches a little more comfortable. Sincerely, Betch out of Water Dear Betch Out of Water, This is a perfect example of why betches don’t #107 branch out. Who wants to deal with having to pretend you’re not filthy rich in front of poor girls. The next thing you know you’re having #51 group dinners at Greek diners and involved in a clothes sharing ring that includes items from Forever 21. Just don’t go there. If you can, find at least one other bestie with money to join your crew, so you can at least laugh at your poor friends with her. If you can’t, check out “how to seem down to earth” for tips on pleasing the 99%. If this gets too stressful, just remember that although money can’t buy you friends, it can if you join a sorority. Sincerely, The Betches

P.S. Do you actually like, speak in those numbers? Did you memorize them? You did didn't you. "Not Branching Out" is #107, not #127.


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26 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. betchy says:

    hahahaha omg the second one is great. my friends and i religiously practice not branching out…. ew other friends are gross and not nearly as betchy

    Posted on Reply
  2. Jen-Jen says:

    Join a sorority- won’t encounter the 99% there. Branching out isn’t bad is your MOA to the richer and betchier.

    Posted on Reply
  3. you fail says:

    its actually 108

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    LOL @ $15/person!!!! You must have been dining at Waffle House

    Posted on Reply
  5. skinny betch says:

    these girls who ask for advice are retarded (note: girls, not betches)

    Also about the retch thing, why do you even care about peoples feelings of inferiority? tell them to go to Wall Street and get shit on by the pigeons with all the other homeless hobnobs of the new york. my daddy will be laughing from the window.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    Haha omg I had almost the exact same problem as the first girl but with the guys roommate not his brother. But like his roommate deals coke and other fun substances anyways so really it wasn’t much of a loss

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    Love the second post. Glad to FINALLY see an actual betch asking for betchy advice. Not some silly girl who wouldn’t have gotten herself into such a stupid situation if she were actually a betch.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    agreed, this is a real betch problem

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    sometimes the brother will be hotter which qualifies the action as betchy.
    and if the have another brother who is even hotter, fucking him too would be the betchiest.

    Posted on Reply
  10. ice queen says:

    Agreed. Most of the girls asking for advice on here are NOT betchy. It’s always the same thing - he’s just not that into you. Um, hello… I found myself in the same situation in college as well, I get really annoyed with everyone commiserating about being a “poor college student.” Fucking duh I’m going to get along with the trust fund betches whose fathers blindly throw money into their checking accounts, more than I would with the 99% occupy-wall-street protesters. I realized I had to stop pretending I don’t get what I want. That can really stifle a betch.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    looks like a perfect opportunity for a 3some.


    Posted on Reply
  12. Jen-Jen says:

    My fiance’s brother is really hot, and a pro. It’s really hard. But, since we’re engaged, it would be kinda cray to try to fuck him too.

    Posted on Reply
  13. freshman betch says:

    i am having the same exact problem! the other day some girl asked me if my family was totally loaded because she noticed all of my clothing is designer.. who the fuck asks something like that?! obviously my family has a ton of money that they’re willing to send my way, did you really need to ask?

    Posted on Reply
  14. Judge me says:

    Agree with dear betch 2 I hate that awk moment when someone says “I can’t afford that.” Buzzz killll. Just eliminate them from future plans.

    Posted on Reply
  15. thegaybetchguy says:

    all i have to say is….
    “Like, in high school me and all my friends had money and it wasn’t an issue when we went out for #72 Sushi and we racked up a bill that was like over 15 dollars a person.”
    LAUGH OUT LOUD. you dont wear prada shoes if you call that ‘having money’

    Posted on Reply
  16. Ashley Levine says:

    I had this guy friend and after years of being friends we decided to get a little serious and sleep together and what not. After becoming close with one of my good camp friends he fell for her and got with her behind my back. This friend doesn’t know about us but they then started going out. After 2 years of their relationship they broke up. We then did shit for a while and then stopped. Its so obvious they’re still weirdly in love with each other and started to hook up again but they don’t have a label…. now what?

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    Joining a sorority isn’t buying friends, it is a huge commitment and its not about becoming better women. Sorority sisters aren’t friends they are sisters, it’s more than you’ll ever think it is.
    “from the outside looking in you can’t understand it, and from the inside looking out you can’t explain it.”

    Posted on Reply
  18. BostonBetch says:

    Doesn’t seem like this bro is in love with you. Sounds like you’re the before-and-after girl. Like…the girl he hooks up with while he’s looking for a real relationship and the girl he hooks up after a relationship to fill his sexual drought. You didn’t lose. Drop this loser & fuck someone who actually likes you. Guys don’t love. They fuck. When the love, they are exclusive and make it clear to you that they want to be exclusive because they don’t want to fuck anyone else or want you to fuck anyone else either!

    Get girl girlfriend & find someone who’s worth it.

    Posted on Reply
  19. LIKE FUCKING DUH says:

    Just makes you look like a slut to them, and in most cases the sorority girls I know, get’s you sweethearted, and they will spend countless hours talking about why you are a big attention whore.


    I spend enough time around my bf’s frat and other frats to know this hands on.

    Posted on Reply
  20. Sororities says:

    Because most of my greek life sis’s hate each other. This is the case with most of the sororities I know. Like not only talk shit about each other, but can’t stand living in the same house as most of them.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Macy says:

    ^This girl is obvi a pledge.  Just wait a few years until you’re president of the house and your whiny sisters make your life miserable.  You’ll hate them all, especially the ones who fucked bros in the chapter room, puked in your beemer, and ‘lost’ your actual sister’s pref card.

    Posted on Reply
  22. Melissa says:

    Definitely!! Sushi’s gotta cost upwards of $40 per person to even be worth eating. Hope you didn’t get sick, fishy Betch.

    Posted on Reply
  23. haha says:

    you think they are f-ing serious but its a joke. duh. omg and please dont say sisters thats f-ing gross and creepily emotional.

    Posted on Reply
  24. atlanta betch says:

    so i usually think people who comment are lame and unbetchy bc who takes the fucking effort to comment despite how hilarious this shit is. but this HAD to be said. FINALLY someone asks for advice that the betches dont make fun of being being a fucking loser. bitch please if i read another “dear betch, this guy fucked me over but i swear im totally a betch, please help” i will vom.

    Posted on Reply
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