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By The Betches on

As betches hate doing work and love going out, we're placed in an obvious moral predicament when it comes to working out. When running texting really hard on the elliptical, we often stop to wonder, am I doing too much work? But we immediately shake the thought away because like, can you imagine what kind of heinous muploads you would have with a double chin. And OMG, what kind of side pose would I make with fat arms? The horror.

Going to the gym is a fucking hassle, period. Sure we love showing off our sick new neon Nikes while casually staring at bros as they lift weights, but it requires serious effort, which is out of character for betches. Things come easily to us, like popularity and free shots, so for some, having to combat the reality that they may not have the fastest metabolism is a fucking shock.

working out picPlease don't be the girl that ACTUALLY does the cosmo beach workouts

 

Sure there are betches out there that don't go the gym and still have perfect bodies, but keep drunk eating that late night pizza and just wait, in a few years not only will you be hooking up with guys from community college, but you'll be that girl with the profile pic from 3 years ago. The one from before she got bangs and stopped doing coke.

And who doesn't hate the psycho gym betch? She makes you feel like shit about the fact that while you're sitting on the couch hungover contemplating ordering sushi, she's on her way to Body Bootcamp in her fucking Lululemon leggings. This is the same girl that thinks that looking like the mom in Modern Family is hot. Sorry bitch, we commend you on your collarbone, but you're one tricep extension away from having veiny man hands. Chill. No bro wants to date fucking Rocky Balboa.

Let's talk about the marathon betch. To the rest of the world this girl might be called an exercise bulimic but in betch world she's simply the girl who used to be fat. Marathon betch is super type A, has a workout complex, and probably has some form of uptight OCD. This girl gets high off of telling people she's training for a marathon and she'd rather miss her cousin's funeral than admit she skipped a day at the gym.

A real betch knows the real way to work out. She updates her iPhone with Avicii's latest and greatest, makes sure she looks like she's not wearing any makeup with a faint line of eyeliner and a touch of bronzer, and times her "run" perfectly with Friends re-runs. Oh, and forget to bring the smart water? Turn the fucking car around. Then she does an hour of cardio followed by a 1 or 2 stop and chats with her friends on the Arc, followed by maybe like 30 crunches. If she's in the mood not too fucked up from last night, she'll do a few reps with the 5 lb weights. Hmmm my biceps need a bit more work, maybe I'll use the 8 lb ones this time, they're so cool and hot pink!

someecard Regardless of how you work out, just remember that when you're on the ellipt or walking the tred on a high incline, please don't text anyone that you're at the gym, or like, check-in on foursquare. Aside from the fact that no one fucking cares that it's your third time at Equinox this week, failing to continue to check-in will have the outer circle friend investigating your Facebook pictures like she's a fucking US Weekly editor looking for the exact moment when you blew up and your love handles returned from vacation.

Be you the soul cycle, yoga, or gym rat betch, working out is about looking and feeling your best. Unlike school work and bitch work at your internships, working out is the only type of work that actually solely benefits you and that you can't get a nice girl to do for you. Nothing perturbs a betch more than having to be photographed with the fatty bestie, so if you're not working out you should definitely be partying in.

 

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50 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. kate_betch says:

    “No bro wants to date fucking Rocky Balboa.”

    Posted on Reply
  2. Em Bee says:

    Its too early in the morning to read this entire post

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    love the stop and chats at the gym, and i can’t go anywhere without my smart water. love this betches

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    Helps to get a gay best friend who also personal trains.
    Free workout plan and he teaches you what to do. Plus mine is really fun to look at.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    im a guy and i think this site is hilarious, as a huge fan of bros like this site, i know that there is some truths in every post, but most of it is highly exaggerated for the hilarity factor, its funny to read the female version, well played betches

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    Ugh. Nothing more anxiety provoking than the psycho gym betch… chill, take a fucking xanax. On the plus side she helps you remember how much you don’t want to be the fatty betch in group pics and eventually you take your ass to the gym too.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    forget the smart water? turn the fucking car around

    Posted on Reply
  8. gymbetch says:

    ive been waiting for a lululemon reference. easily the betchiest way to wear sweats—though i am reluctant to even make that comparison.  Not to mention the price point keeps them elite and the spandex percentage keeps them off fat chicks.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    Totally read this on my iPhone while on the elliptical. Love.

    Posted on Reply
  10. slimbetch says:

    touche betches! cause no one likes a fatty even with wintertime right around the corner

    Posted on Reply
  11. adp says:

    I love buff chicks. Sorry. : )

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    Reading on my iphone while on the elliptical, fucking perfect. No one likes a girl who’s drinking catches up with her body!

    Posted on Reply
  13. selina says:

    Hahahaha girls/women who rock or want the whole 6 pack look.gross. why the fack does a hot betch want to look like a man. gross.

    Posted on Reply
  14. LuckyBetch says:

    Bitch work at an internship? No thanks… When not in class, I prefer to spend my time buying things I don’t need, partying, and tanning on my Chris Craft.

    And now that I think about it, I don’t go to the gym either. Thanks Mom and Dad for the awesome(perfect) genes! Even if I did need to workout, I would NOT go to a public gym. No one wants to pick up the eight lb weights you just put down, even if they are hot pink. Besides the fact that public gyms are as grimy as the cast of Jersey Shore, I would really rather not be ogled by sweaty old men. Whenever I get an urge to “workout”, I go out back and pretend to use any number of the equipment in the gym in my guest house. Tennis, yoga, and dancing at clubs are pretty much the extent of my physical strain. Oh, I guess a good romp in the sack falls under that category as well.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    $100 that this is a poor betch trying too hard

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    Agree. Betches know that they are the shit, betches don’t need to brag about their shit.

    Posted on Reply
  17. LuckyBetch says:

    Haha true life: this is my life. Keep on hating smile

    Posted on Reply
  18. maggie says:

    yay!

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    Betchiest way to workout is to get a personal fucking trainer. No need to think about what to do and he’ll make sure you dont get too high and skip out. And a great (obvi more expensive) trainer will know how to keep your body in shape without looking manly. People always ask me what I do to have such a perfect body- I don’t fucking know, call my trainer.

    Posted on Reply
  20. Allyson says:

    So true

    Posted on Reply
  21. Whatever says:

    How a true betch works out:  30 mins on elliptical while watching hulu+ on iPhone.  Lift some weights so you don’t get cellu-arms.  Then jog it out on incline while the hot bro next to you eye fucks the shit out of you while you pretend not to notice.  Workout finished.  Bye.

    Posted on Reply
  22. sororobetch says:

    i hate hearing girls talk about how winter is their excuse to eat and get fat. so disgusting. good post, betches.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    So true. LuckyBetch used an MTV show name, a fucking smiley face, and referred to “haters” all in one line.  Not. A. Betch.  That Chris Craft she mentioned is probably just what they needed to harpoon this betch and drag her to shore.

    Posted on Reply
  24. Bromo Say What?! says:

    Fucking duh! raspberry
    The gay bestie will either be there gyming it with you or workin that ass til its perfectly round and perky!! When our betches shine, we shine!!

    Bromo Say What?!

    Posted on Reply
  25. Anonymous says:

    then don’t read it. I think that was a pretty easy problem to solve. people like you make society seem as if it’s moving backwards

    Posted on Reply
  26. hannahb says:

    do betches have an opinion on diet pills? not even for fat people, but just so we can do less work

    Posted on Reply
  27. Anonymous says:

    That shit messes with your heart. All they do is make you feel nauseous enough to stop eating.
    Better to just pop an addy and call it a day.

    Posted on Reply
  28. Anonymous says:

    Yeah true, why would you work at an internship? I’m sure some colleges (clearly like the one you attend/attended) don’t require you to complete an internship to graduate and just let you squeeze by with straight Cs.

    Posted on Reply
  29. AndiPants says:

    Loved the Avicii reference betches!!

    Posted on Reply
  30. Anonymous says:

    Who needs diet pills when you have addys and coke

    Posted on Reply
  31. tina says:

    but why?

    Posted on Reply
  32. DoozyFAB says:

    hahaha I absolutely love the second picture!! It’s so true! Guys always think they’re impressing a girl by talking about how much they work out or what they do at the gym when girl really get bored to death about it. We need to intervene with their thoughts!  Great article betch!

    -DoozyFab

    http://www.Doozyfab.com
    To Bring Out Your Inner FAB

    Posted on Reply
  33. ngirlyxoxox says:

    uh betches you forgot about the lululemon head band…....

    Posted on Reply
  34. perfect says:

    I’ve done the personal trainer thing. I feel betchiest when I don’t have to pay for people to want to be at my beckon call while working out, though. Want to work out with me whenever I want? Want to set up my machines and tell me exactly what to do? Betchy. To the betches who think they don’t need to work out, it’s cool that you’re skinny..but tone up. You can be thin and still look disgusting in pics.

    Posted on Reply
  35. Anonymous says:

    She’s so hot!

    Posted on Reply
  36. Anonymous says:

    could not be more accurate.

    Posted on Reply
  37. Trainer says:

    Great! thanks for the share!

    Posted on Reply
  38. Anonymous says:

    what is the acceptable weight for a 5’8 betch out of curiousity?

    Posted on Reply
  39. Elle says:

    totes!

    Posted on Reply
  40. Margaret says:

    “Sorry bitch, we commend you on your collarbone, but you’re one tricep extension away from having veiny man hands. Chill. No bro wants to date fucking Rocky Balboa.”

    As betches, we need to respect the betches in history that burned the proverbial bra that restricted our freedom and kept us physically and psychologically inferior to men. Women are not supposed to look and be athletic because of an outdated ideology that supported and reinforced women’s inferiority to men. We all know that gender is socially constructed through popular ideologies - so the idea that females shouldn’t look muscular because muscles and strength are “masculine features” reinforces the idea that gender truly determines differences in our abilities. If women can’t look strong and physically capable, but men can, that suggests that women cant BE strong and physically capable.  This is what our forebetches fought for in the 1970’s women’s movement. With the Title IX legislation, and efforts by women like Billie Jean King and the pioneering of women in athletics, women have been greatly successful in breaking the oppressive gender ideologies in America. However, while we have come a long way, we are still unequal. Lets not reinforce inequality by condemning women by looking physically strong and capable - it reinforces the gender differences that keep us separate and unequal, and discredits the fight for gender equality that some seriously balls betches started in the 1970’s.

    Posted on Reply
  41. cait says:

    uhh nohomo but that bridget betch from 8 simple rules/ that show with the nerds… PERFECT BETCH BODY

    Posted on Reply
  42. Andrea says:

    I too love the avicii reference (love dubstep while I run!) Also been waiting for the LuLulemon reference.. For me I have entire coordinated workout outfits I wear on days that I don’t work out because they’re cute and comfy- and everyone thinks you just worked out wink.

    Posted on Reply
  43. bribri says:

    “Sure there are betches out there that don’t go the gym and still have perfect bodies, but keep drunk eating that late night pizza and just wait, in a few years not only will you be hooking up with guys from community college, but you’ll be that girl with the profile pic from 3 years ago. The one from before she got bangs and stopped doing coke.” hahahhaha

    Posted on Reply
  44. Anonymous says:

    and people like you need to not be cunts.

    Posted on Reply
  45. rikererikere says:

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    Posted on Reply
  46. dumbbetches ! says:

    no matter how hard you work out you wont look like a man. unless you’re fucking madonna. i dont know what shes on.

    Posted on Reply
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