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By The Betches on

Hey betches. Welcome to our first Top 10 List and organized judging sesh of 2013. Before you start reading, we want to give a little disclaimer that we're not including people on this list who are so painfully obviously slutty, like Courtney Stodden or the Jersey Shore cast, because like ew, how trashy and boring would that list be. These are the celebs who we think are sluts, without ever having met them, based mostly off of their tweets, nudey pics and/or sex tapes and our entirely baseless opinions of course. And we all know that's worth a lot. So without further ado, the list.

10. Scarlett Johansson

ScarHo's entire aura reeks of slut. She was whoreing herself out in Vicky Xtina Barcelona, He's Just Not That Into You, Iron Man 2, Match Point, the list goes on. Her nude bathroom selfies don't help her case either.

9. Xtina

We can't actually think of the slutty shit that Xtina's done, except just kind of be slutty, but you don't get your name changed from Christina to X-tina by embodying the perfect Catholic child. After watching her a few times on the Voice, Xtina seems like the ultimate TGF in Hollywood. Simply judging by her streaky spray tans, overbearing and shiny cleavage, and every-other-week weight fluctuations, we can assume that TGF is her only option for G'ingF'ed. Quel dommage.

8. Amanda Bynes

We once read this conspiracy theory that Mandy Bynes is shadily a high priced Hollywood call-girl. I mean sure, sounds probable. That would at least explain why she hasn't been in anything since Easy A, where she ironically played a girl seriously hell-bent on chastity. The betch doth protest too much.

7. Mary-Kate Olsen

As much as we hate to pass judgment on half of the former Michelle Tanner, there are definitely a few sketchy men in the life of the betchier Olsen. First of all, do you remember how obsessed she was with finding Dean from Gilmore Girls in New York Minute when all Ashley wanted to do was get to Columbia so she could get into college? Or how she was really into hooking up with Sir Ben Kingsley in a phone booth in the Wackness. Priorities, MK, priorities. Not to mention she's dating a 40 year old now and casually owned the apartment where Heath Ledger died. On that basis, we'll assume they've fucked.

6. Justin Bieber

He possibly knocked up an older woman, probably hooked up with that Victoria's Secret model and we just know when Scooter Braun lets him off the leash he'll fuck anything in North America, including Canadians. Never say Never, eh?

5. Nicki Minaj

So many personalities, so many sexual appetites.

4. Kim Kardashian

We don't have any proof of any infidelity or prostitution on Kim K's part, but we know that's because if such evidence existed Kris Jenner would have it burned in the furnace where she disposes of embarrassing family secrets that might offend E!'s advertisers. I mean, it was a sex tape that got them famous in the first place. Whatevs, if you ask us, one sex tape + one Vegas marriage when you're like 19 + one 72-day marriage + being pregnant with Kanye's bastard baby = ho fo sho.

3. Rihanna

Sure we just made her betch of the year 2012 but by no means does that save her from us labeling her a slut like a week later. When you're the cause of several brawls between several rappers and their entourages, it's safe to assume they're not fighting to pop your cherry. And anyone who refers to her nicknamed vagina as a "she" while tapping "her" during performances on national television is most likely not saving herself.

2. Taylor Swift

After conquering more celebrities than George Clooney has in a lifetime three times hers, Taylor's little blonde waves, sundresses and songs about Romeo and Juliet are fooling fucking no one. Taylor shops for boyfriends like she does those fugly retro bathing suits, which is to say, more than enough. Like give Ethel Kennedy back her swimwear and move on to your next fetus man-friend.

1. Hayden Panettierre

For our #1 slut we're going to do a little word association. When you say Hayden, I say smells like a baby prostitute. Who remembers Hayden's little breakout role in Remember The Titans (I wanted a win real bad, coach!), where she learned the ways of the WGG and launched her "career." We don't know what it is about Hayden, maybe because her name reminds us that anyone who drops the spirit stick goes to Hades, or maybe it's just her timelessly classy darker-skin-than-hair look. Oh and remember that conspiracy we mentioned before? Well it Robert Downey Jr postulates that Hay is like the number #1 whore in Hollywood (just fucking google it), sleeping with producers, directors, and makeup artists, alike. Basically, her role on Nashville might be considered a biography.

Honorable Mention - Audrina Patridge

She's not only played a slut in the uber hit Sorority Row but has done her fair share of reality bros. From actually agreeing to fuck a guy who refers to himself as "Justin Bobby" to hooking up with Brody and what is I'm sure at least 60% of aspiring Los Angeles musicians, we're sure the A in Audrina doesn't stand for fucking abstinent.

26 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. kat says:

    WHAT is going on with Rihanna’s crotch lol

    Posted on Reply
    • Aiyana says:

      I know it looks like it smells fishy and pooey!!

      Posted on Reply
  2. supbetch says:

    this has to be the best thing i have read on this site in entirely too long. thank you for introducing “G’ingF’ed” into my vernacular and that picture of nicki - jeez it looks just like her!! also fetus-man friend. i DIED

    Posted on Reply
  3. sarah says:

    i was having an AWFUL day until i read this… thanks betches!

    Posted on Reply
  4. Mollie says:

    Such a good call on Hayden

    Posted on Reply
  5. anna says:

    one sex tape + one Vegas marriage when you’re like 19 + one 72-day marriage + being pregnant with Kanye’s bastard baby = ho fo sho

    laughed my ass off throughout this entire post. especially kanyes bastard child…bc i so said this earlier today. lol

    well done betches.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Your Name says:

    How can you say that Taylor Swift is more of a slut than Kim Kardashian? what are you guys not on?

    Posted on Reply
    • OMG says:

      Hahahaha! I can’t even deal with that vid

      Posted on Reply
  7. lala says:

    hayden is a slut…i know someone who went to high school with her and he said she whored it out.

    u should have added miley cyrus on the list!

    Posted on Reply
    • Are you.. says:

      Retarded? Miley has been married to the same guy faithfully. She was a wild child stuck in the spotlight, but that doesn’t make her a hoe no.

      Posted on Reply
    • lol says:

      Miley is not a slut

      Posted on Reply
  8. Your Name says:

    MEGAN FOX!!!!! total slut..

    Posted on Reply
  9. MissJenna says:

    Appropriate.  But missing Kristen Stewart and her bruised knees.

    Posted on Reply
  10. yes says:

    give Ethel Kennedy back her swimwear and move on to your next fetus man-friend.

    Omg too great

    Posted on Reply
  11. Ivy says:

    Totally off-topic, but speaking of the former Michelle Tanner, my o chem professor told me that Alannis Morisette’s entire pissed-off delusional dater album was written about (drumroll) UNCLE JOEY. Seriously.

    Posted on Reply
  12. divin says:

    I find it totally un-betchy for the betches to be doing some heavy slut shaming, except for kim k

    Posted on Reply
  13. Allison says:

    Was thrilled Audrina made the list. Def slut.

    Posted on Reply
    • Aiyana says:

      Audrina looks like a child with big boobs and some eye liner on!!

      Posted on Reply
  14. Alisha says:

    You should put Kate Upton, selena Gomez and miley Cyrus on the list.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Zacsaladiyo says:

    Ok. Muthrrfckrs… Now don’t go on tellin me that waz-hur-name Lindsey Blow-han doesn’t cut it into the list. I mean the bitches titties are more sagged than a black guy from Detroit named LeRoy. I’m sure her super skank’d up life played a major part in paying for her coke when she didnt have the cash. Yogurt sliding down her fore-head and shit you ain’t fooling nobody!

    Posted on Reply
  16. ld says:

    Anyone who is famous, has sucked a lot of d…esp scar jo.

    Posted on Reply
  17. SM says:

    Knocked up whores like Scar Jo, the example to follow set for all future Hollywood whores to follow!

    Posted on Reply
  18. pedro says:

    Gotta love them sluts!!

    Posted on Reply
  19. aime says:

    this is what’s wrong with our society the slut shaming here us so disgusting I want to cry you guys are all pathetic

    Posted on Reply
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