Hello stoner community, we hope your highs are settling in nicely today. For weeks now we've explored various parts of our own culture, but now we're going to devote a post to those who live outside our cloud of smoke. But more specifically, what happens when our worlds collide, and non-stoners try to engage in weed-related activity with us. Since these people are practically a new species of virgins, they all tend to have the same exact clueless commentary. Here is our chance to say to them what we would never say in person because that'd be like reallll awkward, and also they'd probably refuse to get high with us after...or else they'll just inevitably claim we only said these things because we were high...fucking rookies.
1. “I can’t smoke, I have to [enter activity here] several hours from now" / "I want to go to the gym later and don't want to ruin my diet!" - Just because we’re stoners doesn't mean we're idiots. Obviously there are (very few) times in life when being even a trace of high is not good, such as a court hearing for that little oopsy DUI from freshman year or a one-on-one lunch with your AA sponsor. So if such activities are on your horizon, I guess I can understand holding off on the greens. But if something like “studying” or “the dentist” is on your afternoon/evening to-do list and we are still in the fucking AM, please explain to me why you can’t take one measly little bong rip? Do you honestly think your abilities to cope with normal life will still be so severely impaired hours after smoking? Perhaps if you’re sprinkling your bowls with crystal meth.
2. “I can’t be high around my boyfriend” - Ex-fucking-cuse me? You can’t be high around your boyfriend? Unless he is next in line to be President, this is just incomprehensible. If you hold off on smoking for the sole reason that you think you will be judged by your significant other for being high, dump him immediately. Don't you want him to get to know the
real high you?
3. “I hate the way it smells” - This is basically pothead blasphemy. Don’t like the smell? You must also dislike the smell of freshly washed linens and homemade cookies you fucking monster. This is one I truly cannot wrap my head around so I guess I’ll accept it as one of the many things which separates stoners from mere mortals.
4. “It hurts my throat!” - So does sucking dick, but I don’t see that stopping you. Sorry, I really just don’t take well to people’s blatant shit talk of my best friend Marijuana. What I mean to say is, don’t be a little bitch. The only time that there will ever be a painful aftermath from smoking will be following a monstrous and impressive hit, in which case that slight pain in your throat is something to celebrate, for within seconds you will be so high you’ll forget you even have a throat.
5. “I’ll fall asleep!” - Excuse me, are you a toddler? This is probably the most common go-to for non smokers and it is also one of the most frustrating. How about this: don’t fall the fuck asleep. Or take a fucking Adderall. Assuming you haven’t just chased several bars with pinot (in which case you are excused, Carrie Mathison), then I promise you are capable of physically holding open your eyelids for the remainder of this stoner session. If Mandy Bynes can do it long enough to operate a vehicle all the way down Sunset Boulevard without dying, you can make it through the next 20 minutes.
6. “I just don’t like the feeling” - This one is hard for us weed enthusiasts to even begin to contemplate. What’s not to like? The warm feeling that permeates your entire body? The immediate relaxation? The disappearance of your anxiety? The way it makes Kraft mac-and-cheese taste like Daniel and Call Me Maybe sound like Beethoven's 9th symphony?
7. “I get so awkward!!” - This is one of the few complaints that actually has some legitimacy, because even serious stoners have experienced the social incapacitation that sometimes comes with getting high. However, this is particularly annoying because what these noobs do not understand is that there is nothing wrong with being QUIET. Just because there is a moment of silence in the group doesn’t mean it’s sooo awk! That’s called a stoned silence which means the entirety of the group is probably too high to even realize no one is speaking.
8. “I feel like getting high today” - For us potheads, getting high is a way of life. To say that one wishes to get high "today" is downright insulting to marijuana culture as a whole.
9. "Can you light it for me?!" - So let’s say you do manage to coax your non-smoking friend into a blaze sesh which obviously consists of 5 shared hits leaving her high as a kite and leaving you sober and annoyed, because after breaking up the weed, packing the bowl, and lighting it for her, you practically just smoked FOR her, minus the inhalation, which is obviously the only fucking part that matters.
10. “Let’s watch something funny! I want to laugh!” - After the munchies have begun and the Snuggies procured, it’s time to pick the post blaze entertainment, which as any pothead can tell you, is a terribly daunting task. So many options! A documentary about child drug mules in Malaysia, an episode of Intervention about computer duster addiction, the fucking infomercial channel. But of course, when you ask the non-stoner what their preference is, they will have only one answer: something funny! Ugh. Now don’t get us wrong, obviously we love quality comedy as much as the next pothead. But really there are only so many times I can watch Pineapple Express (I mean I’ll obviously still laugh at “I thought the hurricane season was over”), but regardless, the non-smoker’s entertainment choice is just so amateur. Like no shit, really, you want to laugh? Wow, it must have been that one hit you took that gave you such insight.