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By The Betches on

As much as an Ivy League betch might deny it she knows and cares what the college rankings are. How else would she quantify how much better the college to which her parents donated a library is than the other ones? We know those of you in the Big 10 or whatever sports conference no one cares about want to have your colleges ranked also, but that's a post for the future because who's more competitive about rankings and scores than the students in Ivy League?

Since we know the fact-checking readers among you would flip out if we just threw the schools up there in the order we felt like, we created a scoring system based on the actual college ranking system, except instead of things like the 75th percentile of SAT scores we're including the things that betches actually care about such as how blackout people get on a regular basis.

These are our criteria and how we gave scores. The ideal betchy school would get an 80 and the winner got a 65. Shameful. We have a feeling they'd be more upset if this somehow factored into their GPA.

  • Exclusivity - Based on actual admissions selectivity. The most selective school got a 10, the second most selective a 9, etc.
  • Party school (compared to other Ivies) - Scored 1-10 on the ivy league standard of fun which is kind of like the Special Olympics of fun.
  • Hotness - Based on which we found thanks to Google. The hottest got a 10, the second hottest a 9, etc.
  • Not doing work - Scored 1-10 where a 10 means no one does work, classes are easy or pass/fail, a lot of grade inflation, easy requirements, etc.
  • Location - Scored 1-10 where 10 means better location (based on proximity to city, quality of city i.e. not in the ghetto, bumblefuck factor, and campus prettiness factor).
  • Quality of celebrity alumni/celebrity children - Scored 1-10 after we judged the Wikipedia pages of notable alumni and students.
  • Ranking by U.S. News and Nicegirls - Based on the actual US News rankings where 10 means best ranking, 9 is second best, etc.
  • Greek life - Scored 1-10 where 10 means good greek life or equivalent (i.e., eating clubs and final clubs)

8. Dartmouth

Despite its mascot, the Big Green, obviously being named after a marijuana leaf, Dartmouth sadly comes in last in the betchiness ranking. Sure they have a decent greek row but that's about it. I think of Dartmouth like I think of Wyoming: never. 

7. Cornell

Given that Cornell is part-state school, not selective whatsoever, located in the tundra, and hides its soul crushing academic pressure behind fences, it somehow managed to not be the least betchy. Maybe because no matter how many frats they try to kick off, it takes time to get through all 47. Congrats Cornell, finally an Ivy ranking where you're not dead last.

6. Brown

We're truly as shocked as the next betch that Brown wasn't last. We thought all the hipsters, poets, and bearded ladies would bring it down but no, the celebrity alumni crew and pass/fail classes and the fact that Summer Roberts went and Serena van der Woodsen once pretended she wanted to go here helped overcome that.

5. Yale

Yale is like full of all these child prodigies which is pretty cool but also kind of overachieverish. Ugh New Haven. On the other hand, Meryl Streep went here. 

4. Columbia

Even though Columbia is basically in the bumblefuck of Manhattan, it's the only Ivy and also the only really good school in NYC assuming you don't want to risk being turned over to the dark side of NYU alternativism. Columbia somehow manages to have a campus on the edge of Harlem and I barely even hear about drunk sorority girls going missing. Thanks Giuliani.

3. Princeton 

Princeton is where WASBs go to compare Lilly Pulitzer sundresses and meet investment bankers. Not only do they have sororities but also co-ed eating clubs (we obviously prefer they be called 'not eating clubs') where a nice girl is as likely to be admitted as Hitler is to heaven.

2. Penn

The only legitimate party school among the Ivies, Penn's favoritism towards legacies and number of good sororities and frats helps it overcome its shortcomings, such as its location in the line of fire of West Philadelphia gun violence. Then again, having gangsters next door means it's probably really easy to get coke. You win some you lose some. Also, regarding 34th Street shoutouts: I haven't seen such amazing school-sanctioned shit-talking since rush was invented.

1. Harvard

For anyone who wants to argue that Harvard can't be the betchiest because it's full of Mark Zuckerbergs and library-sleeping Asians, honestly ask yourself that if you got into Harvard would you go anywhere else? Probably not, it's Harvard, your dad worked hard to get you in. Also, besides being Harvard, it's in a legitimate city, and not even in the unsafe part like Columbia and Penn. Other than that, the extreme grade inflation ensures that you'll never have to work a day in your life and can continue spending your time not fucking bros in the final club libraries, where you might risk breaking a 300-year-old door knob. 

76 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Alie says:

    Good thing there are about 3 typos in the first paragraph

    Posted on Reply
    • seriously says:

      ... right?! had to read the first paragraph like 4 times before i understood and i’m pretty sure i still don’t.

      Posted on Reply
    • Yeah... says:

      Can you guys spend legit 5-10 more minutes on these…it’s like good idea but literally no effort. It doesn’t work if I imagine how it could be funny…you guys are supposed to make it funny so I have something to read all day at work.

      Posted on Reply
    • ..thefuck? says:

      Stanford is not any Ivy.

      Posted on Reply

      SENIOR SPRING ‘08-‘11. You down for the SciLi Challenge? #ubabe #nevernot

      Posted on Reply
    • Penn'14 says:

      Eh, pretty sure Penn’s Spring Fling beats it.

      Posted on Reply
      • lolno says:

        Been to both, last year Penn’s spring fling was a disaster.

        Posted on Reply
  2. damn africa says:

    putting your own alma mater on blast

    Posted on Reply
  3. meryl says:

    went to Vassar.

    Posted on Reply
    • And.... says:

      And she also attended Yale.

      Posted on Reply
      • wrong. says:

        nope all three went to high school together in Roslyn & went to Cornell together also.

        Posted on Reply
    • LeDonNYC says:

      Great school!

      Posted on Reply
    • Betch says:

      Stop trying to make NESCAC happen… NotBetchy

      Posted on Reply
      • Amherst says:

        Actually you’re a literal moron.  If you want to go by this site’s standards for betchy the NESCAC, unlike the need-blind Ivies, tends to be: wealthier, classically Anglo pretty, SUPER SKINNY and active, and just more elite because of the quality of the shit the schools have (via huge endowments being used to provide for small numbers of students/alum).  Anyway…good one.

        Posted on Reply
        • huh? says:

          Classically anglo pretty? hun it’s 2013

          Posted on Reply
        • No says:

          Lol at nescac ummm try to get in a real school. And huge endowments my ass, state schools get more money than liberal arts colleges. Which have zero name recognition or prestige. As for pretty…theres a reason you never see liberal arts colleges on those “america’s hottest colleges” lists. Because you are not hot, but good try

          Posted on Reply
  4. Spiderman says:

    Okay Jesus, if you girls hated Cornell so much, why didn’t you just transfer out?

    Posted on Reply
  5. idc says:

    I just don’t understand how Penn scored higher than Columbia in location, like I get that Columbia is right next to Harlem but Penn isn’t exactly in the nicest area of philly and not for nothing but NYC puts Philadelphia to shame. And Princeton is in the middle of fucking nowhere so I’m not even going to bother asking how the fuck Princeton beat Columbia in that category

    Posted on Reply
    • um says:

      columbia scored the highest in location tied with harvard…

      Posted on Reply
    • student says:

      You obviously have never even visited Princeton. It’s a forty minute drive from Manhattan and the town of Princeton itself is cute, comfortable, and quaint- a very nice neighborhood and a stark contrast to the area surrounding Columbia’s campus.

      Posted on Reply
      • ew says:

        new jersey. ew.

        Posted on Reply
        • agreed says:

          new jersey is called the armpit of america.

          Posted on Reply
          • lol says:

            lol obviously you’ve only seen nj on “jersey shore” and you’ve never actually been to nj. besides trashy south jersey, nj is beautiful and filled with gorg skinny trophy wives and lucky sperms. not to mention rich as fuck (alpine, millburn, short hills, saddle river, mendham, essex fells, chester…..)

            Posted on Reply
      • Gross says:

        Columbia’s neighborhood sucks. One side is filled with families and tons of screaming kids and
        the other is ghetto. It’s lose-lose either way.

        Also, its only close the the 1 train which is always breaking down.

        Posted on Reply
        • u dont live in nyc says:

          Columbia’s neighborhood is so not in Harlem. It’s on the upper west side right before harlem, and it’s in a beautiful neighborhood with a great campus and awesome restaurants and stores. There’s cute boutiques, bookstores, etc, and it’s all very safe and family-oriented. About five blocks away from Columbia it can get shady, but Columbia itself is nestled in a beautiful neighborhood thats a cab ride away from the Upper East Side. so stfu

          Posted on Reply
  6. honestly says:

    your cornell rant is honestly basic. come up with something else to say.

    Posted on Reply
  7. hot shit says:

    ummmm where the fuck is the NESCAC ranking??

    Posted on Reply
  8. big green says:

    dartmouth is an amazing and fun place. it should definitely NOT be ranked last on this list!

    Posted on Reply
    • agreed says:

      and i don’t even go to dartmouth.

      Posted on Reply
    • uhh says:

      HAHAHAHAHA ya ok.

      Posted on Reply
  9. geez says:

    yeah….I wonder if this person has been to Columbia. It’s like the whitest, safest part of New York. Lmao. And the proximity to Harlem means nothing. Especially since Harlem is hardly what it was 10 years ago.

    Posted on Reply
  10. really says:

    my god, this is dumb shit

    Posted on Reply
  11. terrible says:

    this is by far the worst rundown of the ivies i’ve ever seen. not even close to accurate. could have been done much better. weak effort, guys. not impressed.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Your Name says:

    there’s nothing betchy abuot harvard.  natalie portman went there.  and she’s just awful.

    Posted on Reply
  13. hahahaha says:

    cracking up at all of these angry/pretentious ivy league betches. shut up.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Biggreenbetch says:

    Clearly the betches didn’t make it into the Ivies. Dartmouth should definitely not be last. In Conan O’Brien’s commencement address to the Dartmouth class of 2011, he said:

    “Because if Harvard, Yale, and Princeton are your self-involved, vain, name-dropping older brothers, you are the cool, sexually confident, lacrosse playing younger sibling who knows how to throw a party and looks good in a down vest. Brown, of course, is your lesbian sister who never leaves her room. And Penn, Columbia, and Cornell—well, frankly, who gives a shit.”

    Also, Meryl Streep went to Dartmouth undergrad for a year before Yale graduate school - you’re ranking colleges, not the university components. Get your facts straight.

    Posted on Reply
    • um says:

      The betches went to Cornell….

      Posted on Reply
  15. Greek? says:

    Eating clubs and final clubs are not Greek. Cornell has the largest Greek system in the Ivies, Harvard DOESN’T HAVE ONE. How did Harvard beat Cornell in that category? Try again ladies.

    Posted on Reply
  16. LiberalArtsBetch says:

    Next do a betchiness ranking of small liberal arts colleges!

    Posted on Reply
  17. j says:

    amazingly accurate. all the negative comments here are just jealous betches. i attend an ivy and have partied/“partied” at every single one of them except brown and this post is amazingly on spot.

    Posted on Reply
    • agreed says:

      perfect summary

      Posted on Reply
  18. wiscogal says:

    do big 10 next

    Posted on Reply
  19. seriously says:

    theres a lot of things wrong with this: you never once mentioned yale’s secret societies, princeton and yale are much more exclusive than columbia, and dartmouth is known for being wayyyy more fun than the others (except upenn) esp. harvard. do some more research, every ivy betch knows that HYP>everything

    Posted on Reply
    • yalebetch says:

      ^ this is completely true. yale is the gay prep meets hipster artsy ivy. harvard is the nerdy (cough not fun at all cough) douchey ego ivy. and princeton is the super preppy exclusive fratty ivy.
      columbia is fun but not as exclusive as the other three. dartmouth is super fun and fratty. upenn is also super fun and fratty but more hipsters. brown sucks. and cornell yeah i dont think anyone gives a shit about cornell…. HYP super betchy but IMO since i go to yale and have partied at all of them except cornell ... yeah youre really not giving yale enough credit. harvard literally i tried so hard to have fun the two times ive been there for the Game and its so awful. give me toads over the fucking final clubs any day. everyone was literally 28+, nicegirl ugly & gross at the fucking fly last year or whatever its called and it fucking blew.

      Posted on Reply
  20. just a betch says:

    On point, betches. Obviously this post was going to get a lot of hate from jealous wannabes who didn’t get into the Ivy of their choice, or worse, no Ivy at all. And as you said, despite the “Mark Zuckerbergs and library-sleeping Asians”, for true betches, Harvard is the biggest party school of them all. Even with your family name on the shiny silver pedestal outside the library, if you got into the school you’re smart enough to do no work and manage D’s, in which case, good for you. Getting into Harvard is just about all you’ve got to do to get the job of your dreams. Until, of course, you marry rich and never work another day in your life. And in response to “geez”, “It’s like the whitest, safest part of New York.” You humor me, geez. You really do. I’ve lived in Manhattan (in the whitest, safest part, might I add) my entire life, excluding college… as nice of a campus Columbia is, and although both Blair and Serena attended (until they mysteriously didn’t) the area is sketchy, honey. It still deserves the highest ranking of location, because well… it’s New York fucking City, bitch.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Sluts says:

    Why the shit isn’t Tulane on here?

    New Orleans. Mardi Gras. Duh.

    Posted on Reply
    • ... says:

      Tulane isn’t an Ivy?

      Posted on Reply
    • LOL says:

      It is, however, a safety…..

      Posted on Reply
    • sometimesirunsometimesigotoTulane says:

      is this Britney Spears? because this comment is fucking beyond. how did she pass the robot test to submit her comment?

      Posted on Reply
      • legit... says:

        this comment just killed me.

        Posted on Reply
  22. swellesley says:

    the baddest , smartest, and classiest betches went to Wellesley. Hilary Clinton, Diane Sawyer, Madeline Albright, Nora Ephron, are just some of our notable Wellesley grads. we don’t even need the Ivy title because everyone knows Wellesley grads are the most accomplished, exclusive types of betches out there.  fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
    • z says:

      wellesley = nice girl capital of colleges… can go shave your back now.

      Posted on Reply
      • dear Z says:

        k after you shave your face

        Posted on Reply
  23. so fucked up says:

    i go to columbia and admit it should be dead last. there is no social life, apart from if you’re in one of maybe two decent sororities. the area is adorable, but the classes are too fucking hard to be able to do anything other than go to the library. dartmouth shouldn’t be last, its arguably the best party school of the ivies, and filled with the betchiest people. again, this is coming from a columbia student.

    Posted on Reply
  24. lost @ harvard says:

    after you stop sucking up to harvard, you’ll see how unbetchy it is. i go, and while i love love love it, betches defs don’t have a presence… and we have a serious lack of pretty girls compared to what i’ve seen from other schools. bean town is not that great and i know it’s over when i’d rather be at an MIT party

    objectively, based on girls, lacrosse bros and banking pros, greek life, secret societies, parties, and all else considered, I’d put princeton, upenn, yale, dartmouth on my list. harvard/columbia have better prestige/academics but are really not that fun, and brown and cornell… no comment.

    Posted on Reply
  25. really? says:

    yeah this is like the worst betch post yet

    Posted on Reply
  26. sec betch says:

    much respect for the ivy league but i’m really weirded out by the few mentions here and there of “big 10”... big 10 is irrelevant. the only big 10 school that is actually worthy of any mention is UW, and that’s pushing it. you are the janis ian of America, go away.

    Posted on Reply
  27. lost says:

    this totally just changed my mind about which ivy i should attend

    Posted on Reply
    • nononNOnononO says:

      wtf no please dont base your decision on this bullshit article

      Posted on Reply
  28. Dartmouth says:

    Y’all went to Cornell right? No one even goes to Ithaca. You think of Dartmouth as much as Wyoming… well we dont even remember your part of the league. True betch knows that Cornell is the but of every ivy joke/will always come last.

    Posted on Reply
  29. nope. says:

    Dartmouth is betchy as fuck and has really fucking hot frat bros who throw really fun frat parties.
    Just saying columbia is for hipster peasants and princeton and harvard don’t party at all.

    Posted on Reply
  30. lol says:

    lol i stopped reading this when harvard got a 7 for partying

    Posted on Reply
  31. lmfao says:

    no offence to anyone, but all of these are literally generazlied stereotypes…. Cornell parties way harder than most ivies. we live in ithaca, middle of nowhere, you don’t need fake IDs, we have more restaurants and bars per capita than NYC. Sure we have asians and freaks that dont do anything but play dresss-up in Risley, but around 6,000 ugrads go HARD.

    Lastly…instead of bashing ithaca, why don’t you come here? it’s by far in a much better place than fucking dartmouth. no one fucking knows that the fuck that institution is. Cornell’s presence globally and in MOST academic realms exceeds all but HYPC

    Posted on Reply
  32. bigred says:

    Cornell shouldnt be almost last. Even though its in the middle of nowhere , the campus is beautiful and they have the best vet school in the country.

    Posted on Reply
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