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By The Betches on

"Are these the ponies?" - A typical thing heard on this show

You can always count on the housewives/divorcees/widows of Beverly Hills to provide us with a great episode despite nothing actually happening. Well, except for Portia's super classy backyard birthday where we got to see children face planting into horse feces, a drunk shit talking Taylor, and Chris Christie in his element as Kyle's party planner "Glen."

We also learned what charity means in Beverly Hills: a bunch of old dudes doing laps around a parking lot in ruby slippers. There's no place like Adrienne's dried out vagina, there's no place like Adrienne's dried out vagina. But even though Paul looked like a huge joke at this charity drag parade, Mauricio pulled through looking hot as ever, kitten heel-sock-combo and all.

Kyle: "I was born and raised in Beverly Hills, this is my town, I also never went to college, so I'm fairly sure that unicorns exist"  +12

+1 Taylor is such a bitch, scheduling her bullshit charity on PORTIA'S birthday party. "Listen Taylor, I understand that you had a hard time what with your husband beating the shit out of you for several years but like, it's Portia's birthday and I've already paid the DJ."

+2 I never understood the appeal of having llamas at birthday parties, they're ugly and smell rancid, but I have a sneaking suspicion Kyle brought this specific one in because it looks strangely like Taylor after she gets punched in the face.

+1 The only thing that is ever lacking at any all of these children's birthday parties are actual children.

+2 "If all the girls wouldn't mind, it would be great if they would work out all their issues, just so they can make things easier for ME"

+2 Valet parking at 5 year old's birthday

+1 Forcing your housekeepers to make balloon animals

+3 For hiring Glen as your party planner. Whether he was high or just had a really satisfying meal consisting of donuts and Crisco, this man does not give a shit. Kyle: My daughter is expecting a white unicorn. These horses are brown... Glen: Brown is the new white.

Adrienne: "Know your friends, and bribe them to take your side with your private jet" -9

-4  "The higher the heel the closer to God." Honestly, ew. The only person who can pull that line off is Lisa but the reason she hasn't is because it's fucking lame.

-1 Paul's like, "If I walk a mile in these fugly shoes am I allowed to punch my wife Adrienne in the face?"

-4 Your new 'do: Either your hair hasn't fully grown back after the surgical shave during your facelift or Paul brilliantly pranked you into thinking mullet-chic is making a comeback this season.

Kim: "Life is a journey and I keep finding mini bottles of vodka stashed under my mattress and in the house plants everyday" +1

+2 Kyle: I knew she wouldn't do that to Portia ...  Kim: which one's Portia again?

-3 Even though we know you're (probably) sober, there's something still very wrong with you. Like when you speak your head and mouth move as if you're a baby pterodactyl hatching out of its egg.

+2 for Dana, -1 for Kim for this exchange:
Dana: Did you break up with that guy?
Kim: I don't like the word break up...
Dana: so what, you stopped having sex with him?

Lisa: "Life isn't all diamonds and rosé, it's also dragging llamas through your friend's house and laughing while she cries about the animal shitting all over her hard wood floors." +5

+5 "I have to leave at 1:15 because I have a wine thing and by wine thing I mean I don't want to waste my Saturday celebrating a fucking 5-year-old's unicorn birthday party."

Brandi: "Money doesn't give you class, it gives you the means to buy heart shaped sunglasses from Claire's" -2

-3 No but seriously, what were those? Let us guess, not 25 thousand?

+2 Who shows up to a kid's birthday party without your kids?

-1 We like you this season even though your apartment is the size of Lisa's closet and your self-esteem is lower than Taylor's standards. Regardless, you need to shut up during this party, no one is starting drama because no one even knows you're here.

Yolanda: "I like to have fun, like in bed with my husband when we role play, I'm the dictator and he's the oppressed people" +9

+3 Telling her model daughter to get back on her diet ... "Zee girls in Paree and Mee-lan are just a leeettle beet skeenier das all I'm sayink." Can't decide if your accent sounds really cool or like you have thick phlegmy cold.

+4 "Will you round her eyes so she doesn't look Chinese, really quick?"

+2 "I don't want to be a stage mom but if my daughter eats more than 500 calories a day I will stab her in her sleep."

Taylor: "I fought too hard for this zip code and paid too much for my eyebrow lift because I still can't make two distinct faces for 'happy' and 'sad.' -4

-1 Wait, walking a mile in high heels is supposed to be "against" domestic abuse? Is that in honor of the abused Beverly Hills housewives who have to run away from their husbands' belts... in high heels?

+1 When you had your povo Mexican luncheon, Kennedy was jumping up and down so fast that she made Felix Baumgartner look like an immobilized paraplegic. Looks like mommy is on top of that adderall refill....

-3 Ugh, Robot Armstrong, you WOULD choke up while briefly speaking about domestic violence.

-1 Stop talking shit about Brandi, it's not her fault you're next in line for rehab.

Camille: "I'm not on this show, I don't think. " +2

+2 Still heaving Deedee around the town with you, I see? Deedee would be the name of a lesbian lackey.

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12 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. RHOBH says:

    brilliant. favorite housewives by far. and seriously why was brandi such a coward? it’s okay, i still love her.

    Posted on Reply
  2. RHOBH says:

    excellent and well put. classy betches thank you!

    Posted on Reply
  3. Miss Audrey P says:

    Lisa & Kyle are clearly the betchiest and only relevant BH housewives that matter. As for the rest….LOL…..Brandi and Yolanda, we understand you’re trying to work your way up to the top, good luck! ANYWAY, this is the best show ever!

    Posted on Reply
  4. Eh says:

    not the best recap ever… i love lisa but those sunglasses and heels?? no. AND… we all get that kyle has great hair but that does not make a banana clip ok. ever.

    Posted on Reply
  5. jacki says:

    “lets do glamor” - kim getting her picture taken then makes ugly post-rehab face

    Posted on Reply
  6. jacki says:

    “lets do glamor” - kim then makes scary post-rehab face . PS these captcha’s are fucking hard to read

    Posted on Reply
  7. Umm says:

    Does anyone else think that “Gigi” is the weirdest fucking name for a girl? The ONLY reason why it somewhat works here is because Yolanda’s daughter has sick legs.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Cam says:

    V-pump deserves like 10 extra points for that llama bit. Honestly too much

    Posted on Reply
  9. gaymathbetch says:

    This was fucking hilarious,
    but yall fucked up the math for Kim’s bit again.

    Kim = -2
    Pam = +1

    Posted on Reply
  10. Leslie says:

    Yolanders has black, creepy, souless eyes.

    Posted on Reply
  11. ROFL says:

    “Wait, walking a mile in high heels is supposed to be “against” domestic abuse? Is that in honor of the abused Beverly Hills housewives who have to run away from their husbands’ belts… in high heels?”

    HAHAHA TOO TRUE! I was thinking the EXACT same thing! You guys are brilliant!

    Posted on Reply
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