Season 2, Episode 9: Engagement Party Gone Moroccan except for the mermaid that had nothing to do with Arabian Nights
Welcome to the betchiest recap of the Real Housewives of who gives a fuck, where people are debatably wax statues and camels grace engagement parties. After every episode, we’re left wondering a ton of random shit like how this hick of a cake lady got on this show? How did the camera crew get cleared at the hospital? Why does Kyle cry in every episode? How have we never praised Pandora for her gorgeous boyfriend? Maybe because we’re jaded by the fact that she's named after a fucking box.
Anyway, we were dying when that mermaid was having epileptic convulsions by the pool and when she got bored, decided to casually slide down the banister. All is good and life is back to normal because Lisa obviously wins this ep and Taylor’s lips extended the width of my wide screen TV.
Lisa
"Life in Beverly Hills is a game and if you fuck with Mohamed, you can't sit with us." 6 points
Happy Halloween! Love always, Mauricio's mom.
-1: No one picks up their phones because you’re calling their house phones. It’s called iMessage you crazy Brit.
+2: “You still wanna come? Alright” - It’s fine, Taylor won't eat any of the food anyway.
+2: Lisa, Adrienne’s chicken just needed a little moisturizer and some aloe vera, fucking duh.
+1: LOL. Luring the alcoholic to the party with…alcohol.
+2: Why do you always choose to corner Taylor about her issues at major events?
Kyle
"I may not be the richest girl in Beverly Hills, but if I were a stripper I probably could be." 4 points
+2: The part when she makes jokes about women who get plastic surgery and turn into catwoman and robots who can't turn their heads.... no one would have opposed if you had dropped Adri's name.
-2: Why are you crying? It’s just your mother-in-law’s plastic surgery. It’s kind of like crying at your brother’s bris or something, completely fucking irrational.
+5: Your split is an 8.5. We've said this before, we moonlight as Olympic judges for the balance beam event.
-1: Sooo like is Mauricio into underwater themed sex? That’s our only explanation for your fishy-face. I’ll be Nemo and you be Dori this time.
Camille
"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, antidepressants are" 1 point
+1: When Kyle was doing splits on the table how badly did you want to scream, “But I’M THE DANCING HOUSEWIFE!” Too bad you're awkz as fuck.
Dana
"Sorry, I'll leave now" -1 point
-1: The last thing Pam needs is a cake.
"Heeereee's Russellllll"
Adrienne
"Having it all is easy, having sex with my oompa loompa husband is another thing" -2 points
-2: Your voice sounds like you smoke a pack a minute. Have you been getting ideas from Ri Ri's We Found Love music video?
Kim
"People try to figure me out, probably because I haven't learned the value of the space bar" -3 points
-3: Surprise! I’m dating Shrek.
Taylor
"I finally found my voice, I paid a speech pathologist to make me sound like I'm not a hick" -6 points
-1: Good strategy Bravo. Way to bring Tay to a cake tasting, is that what the anorexia clinic recommended to do to ensure she doesn’t pass out while filming?
+1: ”Yes, everything is good” - Your words may say things are okay at home but your nod says “Russell beats me with his penis and our prenup every night”
-3: There’s nothing classier than chilled Sauv and steamed mussels garnished with an US weekly article. Taylor will take any chance to showcase a tabloid whose focus isn’t that she’s fucking poor.
-2: You know when someone tries too hard and it makes you cringe? That’s how we felt about your yoga pose.
-1: Tay, your husband prob owes Moham like 5 mill. We’re sure if Russell’s only offense was that he called Taylor 'mommy' during whipping sessions sex, he’d be invited to the party.
Heeeere’s Russell!! Still tearing up! Love you Betches!
I hope Camille gets the boot soon. She is so not providing, like any worthwhile material for the show. Or at least put her on a hiatus till her divorce is settled and she can talk more shit about Kelsey and that fugs stewardass he got with. I mean, we know if Russell hadn’t killed himself the footage of Taylor would be a lot more juicy. Probs a lot more crying and hints of abuse, but still, juicier! Sucks that had to take almost all of Russell. He could have been the BSCB like Danielle Staub. Violent, threatening, and poor. Very scary combination.
Posted on — Replyyou betches totes stole “the real housewives of who gives a fuck” from the new how to make it in america episode two nights ago.. lets be honest
Posted on — Replyif you are going to attack the betches then feel free to NOT comment on OUR blog. sorry, i’m not sorry haha.
Posted on — ReplySeriously? I was pointing something out, not attacking. And good one..
- a real betch
Posted on — ReplyTennessee why don’t you stfu and go back to picking corn. They’re betches not Prada pumps, they can go wrong and when they do they should be made aware. If this was called Betches Love these knockoffs, maybe they could get away with it, but it’s not. Originality is rewarded, and plagiarism is made fun of. Speaking of, “I’m sorry I’m not sorry” is what my 8 year old neighbor says, if it’s that far down the betch chain, I think it’s time you work on a new line. Just a suggestion…however the corn thing was not, get to pickin’.
Posted on — ReplyThis was dead on better than reading about K.K. deciding if she should return her wedding gifts as she raced out of the country. This Episode left oh so many questions a betch needs answered. Who brings a camel to an engagement party and if so, is it considered foreshadowing? Who trusses up as tuna and writhes like she has been tazzed? Could this also constitute foreshadowing.. hopefully not for Pandora. May the Box be with her. What was up with the mattress in the hidden assault pad tressed in silk? Why in said silky assault pad, did Adrienne’s husband want Mauricio to feel this” ? Feel what? No answer expected. Kim’s ’ Secret’. Was it too much to ask ” The Secret ’ to put in his teeth? Why does Kim’s secret look like an extra on Breaking Bad? Yes Kim, Kyle will cry when she see’s he has no teeth. Lucky for the happy couple, the engagement party looked like it had little to do with them.
Posted on — ReplyPandora’s fiance is fucking hideous what are you talking about. not as ugly as Kim’s guy though, what is he?? clearly not human.
Posted on — Replyyou dumb nitwits.
Posted on — Replythe most important question is why hasn’t lisa forced pandora onto a diet yet? i can’t believe that she condones having a daughter that size….it’s the only thing that detracts from her (lisa’s) betchiness
Posted on — Replyi’ve seen it a million times..tiny moms with chubs daughters…fucking disgusting but its really common. Bet you anas didn’t grow up force fed spinach and rice cakes. whatever luckily they’re usually rich as fuck and mom can cover the fatty with diamonds to deal
Posted on — ReplyEver heard of Pandora’s Box? Who’s the uneducated “nitwit” now?
Posted on — ReplyHe’s so fucking hot.
Posted on — ReplyPandora owned the box, you uneducated nitwit. lawlz. therefore Pandora was not named after a box, but for the owner of the box
Posted on — ReplyHello,I love reading through your blog, I wanted to leave a little comment to support you and wish you a good continuation. Wishing you the best of luck for all your blogging efforts. half marathon
Posted on — Reply