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By The Betches on

Season 2, Episode 7: "Dana's Game Night Up Kyle's Ass Gone Wild"

Last night's episode brought on a range of emotions, even for us. Something finally moved on Brandi's face, her tears. Everyone kept pointing at each other. Jackie Chan debuted his first gay role. The housewives successfully enacted a scene from Mean Girls during Camille's charity event. They were one BBM away from screaming "you can't sit with us!!" at Brandicap.

kyle and kim"I'm going to swing you around by your hair"

We loved watching them rationalize the whole Brandi episode based entirely on her bizarre call-out of Kim for doing crystal meth. We get it, you modeled in the 90s, everyone did it, you know all the signs, that's how often you went to the bathroom when you were addicted to crystal meth, your douchebag ex-husband used to lace your crystal meth with LSD and you used to act just like Kim, blah blah blah. Then Kim went home to go... do crystal meth dust her picture frames.

 

 

 

Quote of the Night:

 

Dana: Let's go on that journey with Kim, you know, let's go there, let's just go, we're together forever, always have been, you know, everybody. Kyle: .....Who?

 

Kyle:

"I may not be the richest girl in Beverly Hills, but I'm always fucking right" 10 points

 

+3: Earning the #9 nickname 'the Queen of England' from Brandi, even if it was sarcastic. She probs thinks you're Tony Blair's wife. +5: Everything you say is so fucking quick. "I'm from a trailer, don't forget" ... "We don't." Zing. -1: Really Kyle? Does Kim need to hit you over the head with her Valium bottle? Denial is not just a river that little African babies drink from. +3: Text group chat? We're d.

kim and brandi

 

Lisa:

"Life in Beverly Hills is a game, and I'm #32 winning" 8 points

 

+3: Brandi's drowning in bimbo soup and you're floating in betchiness. +1: For giving Brandi the Winston nickname +1: "It's like the Asian version of Father of the Bride" - We were going to say that. Then you did. We're like, the same person. +3: We know you knew there was NO way your daughter's wedding would be anything near 150 grand. It's cute how you're trying to please the 99% percent though, we fucked that one up yesterday.

 

Kim:

"People try to figure me out but like, they think I sold that house for $20,000? Are they okay? Hello?!"4 points

 

-1: Imagine if this whole time Kim was just accidentally getting fucked up from too much "breath spray" Air-Wick +3: The Juicy suit. Now we know who Amy Poehler was imitating. +2: The most elegant thing about you is your collar bone.

 

Taylor:

"I finally found my voice, turns out it's been obstructed by my lips" 2 points

 

-1: The terror on your face during the brawl made you look like the mom in The Shining. +1: For the hilarity of her screaming NO TOUCHING like she's a priest at a fucking Catholic school dance. +2: She sounded kind of smart this episode. Therapy's really working for Tay.

 

Camille:

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, my water sports equipment is" 2 points

 

+1: "Kyle can be a bitch, she can be tough" - Oh Camille, the sting of the past. This is the part where Camille is thanking God and Bravo that this isn't happening to her again and they're letting her play a diplomat this season. -1: "I don't have two guys who like me out there" - No? Where's Nick tennis hottie? +1: Sick closet, who organizes those sunglasses, DD? +1: Does DD charge more for lying to you about how you look?

[Camille's mom: An honorary +1 for being sooo cute and another +1 for "why don't you look in the mirror and see what you think of you think of your own sunglasses." You kill it with the old-person dry sarcasm thing.]

 

Adrienne:

"Having it all is easy, I know from my vast experience in having it all" 0 points

 

It's like, whatever. We really want to like you but like.... doooo something.

taylor and shelley duval

 

Dana:

"I was a mistake" -12 points

 

-2: "We're from Beverly Hills, we live our life, we do our thing" - Blow me Dana, even Brandi with her one functional neuron and vast knowledge of history and geography knows you're from Beverly Hills nouveau riche so just shut the fuck up and never open your mouth again and maybe you'll drop a few. -5: If there were a cash prize for the most pathetic housewife, you could pay for this "healthy safe vaca" that no one will go on with you. -3: Maybe you meant to audition for the other housewives show. ABC is down the street, Eva Longoria will be waiting there in case you need a quick reminder that you're a fat ass. -2: "I feel like a 1950s American princess" - yeah Dana, you're just like alllllll those princesses in America in the 1950s.

 

Brandi:

"FUCK YOU" -14 points

 

-10: Public display of tears!!!!! We were SO happy watching this happen because we knew we could make her the least betchy this week. Fucking finally. -3: "I'm not gonna be the one who doesn't show up to Camille's charity because the mean girls betches are mean to me." - Way to go to a breast cancer event and think only about yourself. -1: Can't speak or fight or think, can only say fuck you, and 'hobble'

Last week's recap>>

 

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22 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Princess says:

    I think Brandi deserves at least a COUPLE of points. She dresses like a slut and calling out someone for doing drugs when you are on them too is bold.  It was also betchy for her to just sit there with Kyle and act like she was #82 “Over It.” I think Kyle is way betchier than Brandi, but Brandi is def betchier than Kim who is just pathetic.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Camm says:

    bonus points to Kyle for buying her sisters out of the house and not letting her buy back in. stop being indecisive and poor, Kim.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Laura says:

    OK so obvi Dana is easy to make fun of, but she’s made me laugh more than a few times and she’s not afraid to be outgoing/retarded, so I think she deserves a little more credit. Example: “Sorry little guy” to her new fur jacket. And Kim is so not betchy except for the fact that she’s a pro at self-medicating with alcohol and xanax

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  4. Catherine says:

    No Dana is a pathetic #64 sugar daddy social climber. Not a betch, just wishes she was one.

    Posted on Reply
  5. chicbetch says:

    Lisa’s daughter’s wedding planner was such a betch

    Posted on Reply
  6. chicbetch says:

    Lisa’s daughter’s wedding planner definitely earned some points for being such a hysterical betch

    Posted on Reply
  7. Kelly says:

    You are soooo right about Brandi’s self-obsession at the cancer event. It’s like the whole even was organized by Camille’s mom so that Brandi could hobble around like a slut. Obviously all those old ladies were there to celebrate Brandi

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  8. Laura says:

    the ‘father of the bride’ wedding planners character was made to be just like kevin lee! betch is epic

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    Kim was pure betch last night for the second week in a row

    Posted on Reply
  10. A88 says:

    Hilarious

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  11. Anonymous says:

    can Pandora’s wedding planner be Betch of the Week? I mean really, he is the betchest thing to hit Bravo in years.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    This is PERFECT. Love it

    Posted on Reply
  13. JW says:

    I though it was hysterical and should give Kim some extra points when (after the brawl), Camille talked to Kim and Kyle about how out of line Brandi was, and Kim said something like: “Now you know what we had to put up with last year with you.” to Camille.  And then Kim laughed, held her arms out and went to hug Camille as if she was joking, when she obviously wasn’t, and Camille knew she wasn’t joking. Which created the most awkward, yet amazing hug between them! So Betchy!

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    +3: We know you knew there was NO way your daughter’s wedding would be anything near 150 grand. It’s cute how you’re trying to please the 99% percent though, we fucked that one up yesterday.


    haahahaha love it betches

    Posted on Reply
  15. betch obsessed says:

    Betches- you forgot to mention when Brandi ordered a salad with mozzarella cheese and a side of fries & Taylor went with… a latte with skim milk for lunch

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    Brandicap - “color me slut”
    Kyle - “uhh ok!”

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    +5 to Camille for reenacting another Mean Girls scene at the luncheon with the lady in the redic floral dress.
    “I love your whole outfit.. that is so beautiful”
    ........... “that is the ugliest effing dress I have ever seen”

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anon says:

    Betches, I LOVE that you do this for the episodes of RHoBH. Def don’t stop.
    But I have to add that while Kyle is def the betchiest betch on the show, and going to Palm Springs is pretty betchy, the black van/bus she drove everyone there in was NOT betchy. Just…..NO.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    distressed jeans, lisa? seriously? I’m going to assume was that just a ploy to appease the 99% so that they think you don’t have a stylist.

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anonymous says:

    When can we get the gay Asian on Andy Cohen’s show? Someone call Bravo ASAP. I fucking love a good multicultural gay man gossiping betchfest.

    Posted on Reply
  21. the betch. says:

    Is this for fucking real? These are middle-aged women who have mind-sets stuck back in their years of middle school to high school. I was so fucking bored after trying my best to watch this show. The girls on it are so pathetic, it’s not even funny how sorry me and my friends feel for them. You can be a betchy old mom and somehow work being mature at least SOMETIMES in there too. Good lord.

    Posted on Reply
  22. No way says:

    She STOLE her CRUTCHES?! Is she fucking kidding? How old are they, really?! I died laughing it was such bullshit. Why even bother doing reviews of these trashy shows, it’s absolutely ridiculous.

    Posted on Reply
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