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By The Betches on

So on last night's RHOBH we learned that in a wild twist of events, everyone is just coincidentally going to Paris next week! We couldn't help but have our inner Kwiig Bridesmaids monologue burst from within us.

So Lisa you're just gonna go with Kyle and Yolanda to Paris!? What you guys gonna ride around on bikes with berets and fucking baguettes in the basket on the front of your bikes? Oh how romantic! What woman meets up with another woman on a trip to Paris? Am I right? Lesbian! We're all thinking it, aren't we?

But in all seriousness, we were happy that RHOBH actually got mildly interesting this week and all it took was Marisa's legendary father-in-law to drop dead and an intervention, courtesy of Kim, who decided she needed a new project to work on that wasn't smiling at turtles like she was a fucking high school freshman getting stoned for the first time.

Kyle +1

I'm born and raised in Beverly Hills so that's how I got this job promoting Chanel's tackiest creations. 

+2 Telling Lisa about Marisa's husband's death: "He died. He's dead. Yup. Dead. So tragic. But yeah no I won't be going to the funeral. I'm in Paris. "

-1 Because she's in paris feels the need to wear obnoxiously large chanel necklace. 

Kim +9

Life is a journey and this is the first stop where I"m not the biggest fuck up.

+2 "I LOVE TURTLES!!!!!!" 

+2 Kim is so pumped that someone is finally more drunk than her that she's milking shit shit for as long as she can. +2

+2 Intervention! Intervention!  (Everyone loves a good old intervention. Even Taylor is excited that she's ready for her second intervention and this one doesn't involve stopping her husband from beating the shit out of her.)

-1 Kim calling out Taylor's drinking problem. The pot calling the kettle drunk.

+1 Congrats kim you have a drivers license like a real live human person.

-1 You and Kyle are like Kendal and Kylie, if Kylie were a blonde, 50 year old alcoholic.

+3 Kim's insight of the week: "I love a house where u can sit"

+1 These editors are huge assholes, but watching Kim acting really fucked up is sooo funny we can't even deal. 

Lisa  +7

Life isn't all diamonds and rose, it's also about looking hotter than your estranged ex-friend who is now your daughter-in-law.

+2 Ken just chillaxing feeding the swans.

-1 Who the fuck knew Ken had a son?

OMG sue is like 100 years old this is gross and what's going on with her boob? +1 for Lisa looking way better.

-1 Good to know Lisa just admitted she's five years older than her husbands son.

-1 Lisa and Ken look like they're being transported in a black van from Taken. 

-1 Lisa's step-daughter-in-law wants her gone so badly she chartered a helicopter.

-1 Welcome to the cast, Lisa's shady stepson who looks like Thomas Hayden Church in Sideways. 

-2 The families have integrated well together? This is the first we've heard of these people's existence.

+5 I feel like I'm watching a rich version of Summer Heights High.

+3 "I wanted to love and embrace his son, not literally... I have friends for that."

+1 "Giggy doesn't do traffic."

+2 "Kim's coming? Well so is Christmas so hurry up!" 

Brandi -4

Money doesn't give you class, having threesomes to keep your husband satisfied does. 

On threesomes: "There's rules about penetration. There is no penetration. " -2 for having threesomes in an effort to keep your husband. Gross.

+2 "I'm too old for Mohamed and he's too old for me." 

-4 Your tranny friend needs to spend less money on lip injections and more on a full face fix. - 2

Taylor -2

I've worked too long for this zip code to let Yolanda think she can come in and steal my thunder without her husband dropping dead!

+1 But really, how does Taylor actually afford this place?

-2 "Not knowing where Kennedy was was a miscommunication between my nanny, my mom, me, and guy I was fucking." 

-2 Appears to be too drunk to know whats going on at this intervention. But seriously, how often does an intervention go this smoothly? It was almost as if a major cable network orchestrated it… 

+4 I am obsessed with Taylor's drunk montage. They should put it in picture form and sell it at Home Goods.

-3 Why has RHOBH turned into one big fucking AA meeting? 

Yolanda +4

I like to have fun and by fun I mean throwing housewarming parties for guys I used to fuck.

-1 WE decided to invite everyone to Paris and make it a fun girl's week totally not coordinated by Bravo. 

+2 "Mohamed is great but he's a lying cheating bastard, if you're into that sort of thing." 

-2 Wow that was the least smooth segue I've ever heard. "David's been building this house for like 2 years. Speaking of my house, I hear from all the girls in the group that you have an issues with me." 

"Mohamed is Mohamed" - an actual quote. +2 for not making any fucking sense

-1 It's weird that you are having a house warming at your ex-husbands house…

+4 Are swans the new little dogs?

Marisa -5 

This is my husband who I'm going to pretend to like for the evening. 

-3 I wonder how Marisa's husband feels that he's officially the most pussy whipped man on Bravo, which is a serious feat.

-2 "I'm like a guy that's the problem with me." 

 

Adrienne 

 Busy setting fire to Lisa's other real estate purchases.

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19 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Lauren says:

    Lisa is 50, Ken is 55 ... so how could she be 5 years older than her step-son? I guess Ken had his son when he was 10? Fact check, betches.

    Posted on Reply
    • TT says:

      If you think Ken Todd is 55, you’re smoking more crack than Janis Ian.

      Posted on Reply
    • Wrong says:

      Fact check yourself, betch. Ken is 66 and Lisa is 50.

      Posted on Reply
    • Sarah says:

      Ken isn’t 55 so check your facts lauren

      Posted on Reply
  2. yay says:

    way to bring back the points

    Posted on Reply
  3. Your Name says:

    Lauren, LISA said on the show that she is 5 years older than her step-son, the betches were quoting her

    Posted on Reply
  4. Duh says:

    Lisa has said Ken is 16 years older than her. Making him 66. Meaning he had his kid at 21, which he stated in the episode. Simple.

    Posted on Reply
  5. You're Wrong, I'm Right says:

    Lisa is 52 and Ken is 68..that means Ken’s son is 47, making Ken 21 when he had him.

    Posted on Reply
  6. TT says:

    If you think Ken Todd is 5 you’re smoking more crack than Janis Ian

    Posted on Reply
  7. thisbetch says:

    Kim: +55 points - “Boom, boom, shabang” while thrusting. Still laughing

    Posted on Reply
    • Cam says:

      ^ accurate ^

      Posted on Reply
  8. Rosalie says:

    What about poor Yolanda’s daughter who only has one horse when all the other BH girls have 2 or more???? Poor kid

    Posted on Reply
  9. ErikaLuxe says:

    Um hello…isn’t the photo with Yolanda and lemons the best thing ever, stop doing math “betches”

    Posted on Reply
  10. Cat says:

    OMG…Yolanda and the lemons I’m dyingggg! Kyle needs to stop endorsing tacky Chanel items and Kim needs to get off the pills.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Smarty Betch says:

    Way to casually bring back the points, betches. +5 for “Yolanda with Lemons;” it was like looking at a Monet. -3 for lack of a last minute glance for errors on this one though. Perhaps half the .25 time release next time.

    Posted on Reply
  12. obsessed says:

    OMG the pic of yolanda and the lemons…literally dyinggg! so perfect.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Kelsey says:

    Can we all just please agree to pretend like Marisa doesn’t exist? Who is? Where did she come from? Why is she becoming a regular on RHOBH? I’ve had enough.

    Posted on Reply
  14. OH MY GOD says:

    Yolanda’s picture with the lemons. Fucking DYING

    Posted on Reply
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