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By The Betches on

So today is Election Day and betches all across the nation are thinking seriously about possibly maybe voting. It’s no surprise that politics are not exactly at the forefront our minds given the chaotic year we’ve had. From Kim Kardashian moving on so quickly to Tan Mom’s pop culture debut, there’s barely enough time to talk shit about the Real Housewives of Miami let alone what’s going on in Washington D.C.

But like it or not, some political talk has been unavoidable in the past few months and we’ve picked up some bits and pieces of real election shit talking along the way.

First it was just our dads bitching about Obama’s tax codes (whatever the fuck that means) and we were all like, “I don’t wanna be poor, let’s vote Romney.” And then your Gay BFF reminded you that he might not allow gay marriage and you were all like “that’s totally fucked up. I love Modern Family!” And then that slut in your poli sci class said something in class that really stuck with you. Romney is against abortion. Then you thought back to all the guys you fucked on Spring Break and all throughout sophomore year and were like “hey that seems kind of fucked up too. Take my eyes but not my birth control!” but then you couldn’t tell your dad about that and you still don’t want to be poor(er) so you were torn.

Like Britney Spears, you were at a crossroads and the only thing you knew for sure in the depths of your heart was that you really didn’t give a shit either way. And then we neared Election Day, and people started talking about annoying things like “rocking the vote” and “taking action” and “the issues” and you were all like, “this shit is boring and unfairly taking away from Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds’ wedding spotlight.” But people continued to not shut the fuck up. Politically heated Facebook statuses popped up from the depths of the internet, they were making fun of the candidates on SNL, and even Hurricane Sandy couldn’t stop you from lightly pondering the issues. “Guns are really bad but sometimes they’re like, not that bad.” So you decided that was it. You were going to be seen among the American masses. Your voice would be heard by something bigger than you screaming in your boyfriend’s ear because he was late to pick you up for dinner.  You were placing your vote.

So you left your apartment to go vote and holy shit, the line at the gross public school building next door was like, around the block and you weren’t even sure if you would be allowed to bring your Starbucks into the voting booth. Things were getting stressful and you needed to make a decision. So you decided to do what you usually do when there’s a long line in front of a club. Cut it, obvi. But when you got to the front of the line you realized the bouncer was not an enormous black guy but some tiny, middle aged retired female math teacher who did not give a shit about how hot you looked in this season’s trendiest fall fashions. She reminded you that this is #63 America and you’d have to wait in line like everybody else. Shit, you thought. So you did one of two things.

1.  You waited in line, and voted.

2.  You got out of line, got a manicure and then went home and took a nap.

If you chose option two, you couldn’t help the feeling of guilt that overwhelmed you as your chill day was about to get much more stressful. Not voting, it seemed according to Facebook and Twitter, was akin to social suicide. Bros would mock you, your mom would be disappointed, and it would in no way affect the actual outcome of the presidential election unless you were from Ohio and like, who is? Still, you knew you had to do something. As much as you hated it, you were going to have to #129 make shit up. Fear not, we’re going to help you out on this one. When the discussion of voting inevitably comes up later today or tomorrow, here’s how to pretend you did if you didn’t.

1.   Say you voted, fucking duh.

2.   Stress the importance of voting. (It’s my duty as an American and an ardent fan of Kennedys!)

3.   Something about the importance of “the issues.”

4.   Host an Election Day party where you must keep drinking until the next president is announced. (it’s win-win for you since you didn’t vote)

5.   Change the subject of voting to which of Romney’s sons is the most – least fuckable.

6.   Pretend you voted for whatever candidate the person you’re talking to voted for in order to not get into shit. Political debates are so random.

7.  “Something, something, foreign policy.”

8.  Steal and instagram an “I voted” sticker with a filter that makes it look like it’s from the 70s.

So betches, we’re supposed to tell you that you should vote so go vote. If you’re looking for where it is you’re supposed to do it check out www.yourfuckingpollingplace.com to make the process just a tiny bit less boring. And remember, vote or not, republican or democrat, at the end of the day we don’t give a shit and love you either way. Finally, make sure to write in “The Head Betches” on the bottom of the ballot for the sake of the future of this great nation.

Betches for president! America fuck yeah!

 

32 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Ellieislike says:

    Regardless of our nonchalant attitude towards everything that’s not…us, betches are supposed to be in charge and on top in all areas of life—even politics. If you’re encouraging betches across America, when it comes to voting, to fake it, something that’s only ok for smiling and an occasional occurrence of horrible sex with your #18 Fuck Buddy, you’re saying that we shouldn’t have a say in what’s going on. We always have a say. We like invented the fucking say.

    Betchocracy is about being ridiculously <s>good looking</s> intelligent. How else would you be able to figure out how to manipulate your naziest of high school teachers into letting you write your term paper on the history of Cabo? (10th grade, A-). Betches need to get out there today and vote regardless of how povo the public school is where the polling is.

    #2 Not Keeping up with the News, and not voting goes against everything betches around the world stand for: Being in charge, having chic-er America themed apparel than a Planet Blue model, and not sitting back while fat people make decisions for us.

    Now let’s hope for George-Weiners ‘16.

    Posted on Reply
    • uh says:

      Omg shut up. This post was golden

      Posted on Reply
    • well said says:

      why would betches encourage betches to not take a stand and have a voice? i mean helloooo. disappointment. you can’t sit with us.

      Posted on Reply
    • Ewww says:

      Go shave your back.

      Posted on Reply
    • you're wonderful says:

      this is so perfect. this post was degrading and us betches deserve to be heard.

      Posted on Reply
  2. says:

    WHERE IS RHBH RECAP

    Posted on Reply
  3. anonymous. says:

    this is terrible. you should be encouraging young women to vote. not being ignorant stuck up fools. the other posts are funny and sassy but this is down right stupid. your website should be ashamed. it doesnt matter your political preference, it does matter that you take an active role in your nation. so do yourself a favor and lump that #icedcoffee on your head. betch.

    Posted on Reply
    • Noemi says:

      My words exactly.

      Posted on Reply
    • seriously? says:

      does no one understand satire anymore?

      Posted on Reply
      • SERIOUSLY. says:

        this is golden satire

        Posted on Reply
  4. ew says:

    sounds like you’re promoting betches to be non-independent, mindless trolls. Go ahead, delete this post also…

    Posted on Reply
  5. Betchiest says:

    It’s satire .. a true betch could recognize that .. GOD Karen you’re so stupid!

    Posted on Reply
    • Karen says:

      :0

      Posted on Reply
  6. Linds says:

    GOLDEN SATIRE.

    Posted on Reply
  7. VOTE REGINA GEORGE says:

    I’m voting for Regina George, because she got hit by that bus.

    Posted on Reply
    • Team Cady says:

      I’m voting for Cady Heron because she pushed her

      Posted on Reply
  8. mk says:

    if u dont know shit, dont f ing vote!!

    Posted on Reply
  9. Token Asian Betch says:

    Almost choked on my iced coffee when I saw Roseanne Barr’s name on the ballot.  Is that a fucking joke?

    Posted on Reply
  10. LN says:

    is there an option on the ballot to vote Scott Disick for prez?

    Posted on Reply
  11. JG says:

    Really loving that subtle summer heights high reference “Political debates are so random”

    Posted on Reply
  12. Fellow Betch says:

    AMAZING, loveloveloved it.  Any betch with a sense of humor would know this was a satire, and a great one at that.  People seriously need to stop taking things so seriously, and it does not say RSVP on the statue of liberty.

    Posted on Reply
  13. patriotic betch says:

    “and you weren’t even sure if you would be allowed to bring your Starbucks into the voting booth”

    shut up i totally left my iced coffee to melt in the car ;(

    Posted on Reply
  14. gobama says:

    honestly, the fact that you say people wanted to vote romney because you didn’t want to be “less rich” is totally not ok. i live in california which is a lot more fucking expensive than the random ass tri-state area and my parents are still for obama. i don’t think someone who makes 250,000+ a year should be as selfish as they are, they can afford to pay the taxes we do.

    anyways i was just irritated by parts of this post bc although we can joke about it, it really isn’t morally right or cool to have that fiscal mindset.

    Posted on Reply
  15. I hate everyone says:

    I voted for Romney, because without my dads money I wouldnt of been able to even afford my abortion, sad but honest. and Obama wants us all to be equal, what betch who reads this everyday wants to be equal.

    Posted on Reply
    • Ew says:

      Your dad is either a big fat liar or a total fucking idiot who can’t manage his money if he makes over $250k a year and says that with Obama’s respective tax increase of roughly 3 and 5% for the top two tax brackets, that he would no longer be able to afford to pay for your abortion. Obama isn’t trying to suck all of us rich people dry so that everyone in the country makes the exact same amount of money, and is ergo, “equal.” He supports capitalism and has been successful in business himself. He DOESN’T support fuckers like Romney who make tens of millions a year in capital gains paying 15% in income taxes. Because that’s a fucking joke. Why don’t you do a little bit of research or get a fucking job so you aren’t dependent on your loser dad to pay for your abortion?

      Posted on Reply
      • Ew to you too says:

        The person who you are criticizing definitely deserves to be criticized, but if you’re going to point fingers you need to have your facts straight.  Obama has not been successful in business for one day in his life.  He has been a successful lawyer, and law professor, and, depending on your opinion, senator, but he has never been in business and no one would call Obama a successful business man.

        Also, most of the “fuckers like Romney who make tens of millions a year in capital gains paying 15% in income taxes”, as you phrase it, pay more in income taxes in one year then most others will pay in their entire lives.  I’m not saying I don’t agree with wealthier people being taxed more, i’m just saying its not as simple as you make it out to be.

        Instead of attacking this random girl, (who, granted, doesn’t know anything about politics, or probably anything else), and backing up your attack with “facts” that are at least a little biased, you should maybe do some research on your own.  You might learn something interesting.  Just saying

        Posted on Reply
    • sorry but says:

      with romney as president you might not even have been able to get that abortion in the first place, so think again

      Posted on Reply
    • YOU ARE A MORON says:

      You got an abortion and voted for ROMNEY?? You know a big part of his plan was to overturn Roe v. Wade and make abortion illegal and cut funding to planned parenthood right? Christ you are dumb.

      Posted on Reply
  16. Pretty Betch says:

    hey bitches who are taking this way to seriously, start being betchy and stop caring. You’re grossing me out if you care so much about politics go read CNN or something and get off betchlovethis. You think you sound smart but you are really trying way to hard.

    Posted on Reply
  17. betches republic says:

    ANN COULTER needs to be the next betch of the week

    Posted on Reply
  18. ugh says:

    These comments are giving me a headache. Time for a xanie jeezus.

    Posted on Reply
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