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By The Betches on

Despite spending most of Sunday feeling very anxious due to the overwhelming amount of TV that was on last night, we sort of really enjoyed the Golden Globes. The Globes are fun in that they're kind of a free for all because everyone's wasted, people are walking around doing as they please, people are thanking randoms in their speeches, Tina and Amy are dressed as men, and Richard Gere is feeling up his table buddy Taylor Swift.

However, there is a lot to be said about what actually went down last night. Most notably, Tina and Amy killing it as hosts and the way everyone pronounced Les Miserableeeehh. It's like, one movie with a French title is released and all of a sudden everyone's fucking Muzzy. Je suis la jeune fille. Yes that's French they're speaking and no these children aren't French, they're American. 

Another big thing that happened was Jodie Foster's lifetime achievement shit. I mean her speech was pretty funny even though everyone was fucking crying. I sort of like the Jodes, she's kind of hilarious in the way that she's like this "groovy lesbian chick" who like, might punch you in the face at any moment.

Also, we must take a second to mention Lena Dunham. We're really proud of her because we think she's really smart, weird, and talented, but come the fuck on. WHO is your stylist? What was that dress? You're 26, not 78. Just because you cut your hair short doesn't mean you can or should dress like Helen Mirren. And that penguin-like waddle up the stairs to the stage? You looked like a big girl walking down the street in the middle of July. But chafing aside, congrats.

Lastly, exactly what IS the Hollywood Foreign Press? They sound like aliens, but with like really chic accents.

The Red Carpet

Best Dressed: Amanda Seyfried, Amy Adams, Claire Danes, Nicole Kidman, Kristen Wiig, Emily Blunt, and that bitch from Downton Abbey. And Ben Affleck.

J-Lo, your slutty dress was too intense for how irrelevant you kind of are. No offense, but it's true.

Is it me or does Adele not wear the same exact thing to every event she attends? Black dress, scooped neck, always saying 'mum' a lot.

Lucy Liu's dress: as if Mulan raped a 1950's curtain depot.

Dennis Quaid: 50 Shades of Too Much Spray Tan

Kristen Bell, making it possible to look like a pregnant icicle.

Did anyone see Ariel Winter's outfit? She looked like she was just spit out of a cotton candy maker, but made sure to get a few bites before exiting the thing.

I really like Jessica Chastain, but she looked like a prehistoric dinosaur trying to make it in old Hollywood.

Jennifer Lawrence's cone boobs were super weird, Ryan Seacrest couldn't stop staring, but probably because he was afraid they were going to poke him in the eyes.

People who say Sienna Miller is like, the shit, are dumb. Ok so she's pretty badass in the sense that she has a cool accent, doesn't give a shit, and calls Diddy "She-she" but you can't go to the Golden Globes in something you found in the plus size section of Oshkosh B'gosh, you just can't.

Claire Danes, regulation hottie.

Call Outs and LOL Moments

Whenever Salma Hayek is present I'm always like, huh?

Did anyone else scream at their TV, Catherine Zeta-Jones, GET OFF THE FUCKING STAGE!!! No? Just me? KK.

I still love that a man who plays a super intelligent CIA operative is actually named Mandy…Mandy Girl, you are my world.

Christoph Waltz wins best supporting actor for playing the role of scheming German dude which he plays in every single fucking movie. How about a range of characters, Christy? And is he hooking up with Quentin Tarantino because I'm pretty sure he just blew him a kiss.

Meryl Streep for Hope Springs? Come on really? Does this bitch not get an award every year? Now we have to give her awards just for showing up.

Snaps for Daniel Day Lewis for the best unscripted joke of the night… "You thought Bill Clinton was good, Queen Elizabetch is going to parachute in last minute to pitch for Skyfall"

Kwiig and Ferrell were amazing. Kwiig looked hot and they were both very funny…they should host some shit together. Casually, the best part of their act was when the cameras panned to Tommy Lee Jones and he looked so fucking mad.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Rocky Balboa: Both looking like someone hit them in the head one too many times.

Lena Dunham's tattoos actually look like someone accidentally dripped ink all over her arms.

Game Change is obviously still winning shit. The way Julianne Moore talks about playing Sarah Palin I wouldn't be surprised if she dresses up like her in her free time.

So about that Hugh Jackman and his wife. He's hot and she's like, old, and he is really really obsessed with her. All of this screams beard to me, no?

I still can't get over the fact that Abu Nazir was on stage. Come to think of it, I really would love to see Abu breaking it down to one of Carrie's jazz CDs.

…That time when you were like, ooooh whattup Bill Clinton?

Anne Hathaway

She clearly deserves her own category after last night's display of pure ickyness. Do you all get why we don't like her? Even when she laughs candidly, it always looks so calculated and fake I just want to punch her in her stupid miserableehh face. Also, stop fucking bopping around everywhere, you're at an awards show not Chuck E. Cheese.

Her singing is so les mis, her hair is so les mis, her first word being blergh was so les mis. Also, "weapon against self doubt" … "string of yesterdays"… bitch, this is just a Golden Globe, not the fucking Oscars. And please, you are STILL the prinCESS of Genovia.

But I really did love the moment when Anne Hathaway was thanking Sally Field for combatting type casting. Meanwhile Sally Field is looking at her like "who the fuck is this bitch?"

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33 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. umm says:

    LOL your jealousy disguised as hate for Anne Hathaway is really amusing… keep it up!

    Posted on Reply
    • anne hathaway sucks says:

      LOL who’d be jealous of that horse toothed TTH? Obviously not a betch.

      Posted on Reply
  2. fashionista says:

    seriously….why is Kate Hudson not on the best dressed list? She was dress WAAY better than some of those nobodys on the list.

    Posted on Reply
    • Golden Globe Trotter says:

      I agree. Kate Hudson was definitely the best dressed of the night.

      Posted on Reply
  3. JK says:

    Stellar recap, but would like to suggest that Jessica Alba looked fab, too.

    Posted on Reply
  4. guest says:

    Anne Hathaway is embarrassing.  She is an intelligent, elegant, and beautiful woman, but for some reason, has chosen to adopt a new “personality.” Being “awkward,” “quirky,” and uncomposed isn’t flattering for a woman who used to pride herself on her poise and decorum.  This act doesn’t suit her; it makes about as much sense as Scorcese pretending to be a ball of neuroses like Woody Allen.  And, last time I checked, eloquence, grace, and sincere and mature gratitude don’t alienate an audience, instead, they draw people in. Jessica Chastain was as shocked as Anne and gave a powerful speech that adequately displayed her feelings and her appreciation for the people she worked with and the opportunities that have come her way.  Hopefully Anne realizes that before she gives another speech.

    Posted on Reply
    • guest says:

      Maybe she was just being herself? Believe it or not, it takes a lot of self control to be composed and elegant and graceful all the time. Maybe she’s excited that her hard work is paying off and she is being gratified.I doubt she’s “adopted a new personality.”  You want to see her keep her composure? Go look up her Today Show interview with Matt Lauer where he asks about her “wardrobe malfunction” and she says “I’m sorry that we live in a culture that commodifies sexuality among unwilling participants, which brings me back to Les Mis.” Awkward and quirky my ass.

      Posted on Reply
  5. Your Name says:

    Lucy Liu’s dress: as if Mulan raped a 1950’s curtain depot.

    Literally died.

    Posted on Reply
  6. calibetch says:

    yes, Kate Hudson definitely needs to be added to best dressed!
    everything else is so spot on, kudos betches.

    and as for you Anne… just stop, PLEASE!!!

    Posted on Reply
  7. SK says:

    The Muzzy ref.
    I am dead.

    Posted on Reply
  8. anne says:

    whats with all the hate for anne hathaway?  She’s a really good actress, she’s really skinny especially after having lost so much weight for les mis, the only reason her hair is like that is because she’s so dedicated to acting that she actually cut her hair for her role when she didn’t have to.  Shes from Millburn, N.J., like many other JABs and she’s in a bunch of really good movies.

    Posted on Reply
    • who are you? says:

      1. JABs live in Short Hills, not Millburn.

      2. Cutting your hair for a role, especially when you don’t have to, is the epitome of TTH.

      Posted on Reply
    • Right. says:

      No no no you’re right. Bride Wars, Love and Other Drugs, One Day, Ella Enchanted and any other movie she wasn’t a supporting actress for we’re clearly gold….

      Posted on Reply
  9. Hold up says:

    No mention of Lea Michele literally spreading radiation through the TV screen?

    Posted on Reply
  10. Blind? says:

    Did you not see Naomi Watts? Def should be on the best dress list.

    Posted on Reply
  11. BLERGH says:

    Thanks for commenting on blergh, the second that happened I muted my TV and basically threw up. Shit was not okay.

    Posted on Reply
  12. T-SWIFT JEALY? says:

    Did anyone notice the evil eye Taylor Swift was giving Adele during Adele’s speech? I wonder if she’ll write a song about it.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Muzzy says:

    Fucking died

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anon says:

    God I can never find the words to explain why I hate Anne Hathaway. Thanks for helping me out!!!

    Posted on Reply
  15. Lo says:

    Yeah the Muzzy reference was ON POINT. great job.

    Posted on Reply
  16. TarantinOOO says:

    What about Tarantino’s champagne splatter/spit-up/yack; I replayed that 1 second about three times. Pure accidental blitz!

    Posted on Reply
  17. theanswer says:

    Anne Hathaway is what happens when you spend a little too much time alone.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Katiep says:

    Spot on ESP Anne Hathaway fake shite! Totally add Kate Hudson, Naomi watts n even loved Taylor swift’s dress and Katherine McPhee. Don’t get the Clare Danes luv and I hate homeland. Must be the only one.

    Posted on Reply
  19. LC says:

    the muzzy comment about french. i must have said je suis las une vie a million times and done the entire schpeel from the commercial.

    congrats, i am one with you and the muzzy comments. not a lost joke, a real big winner in my book. best part of this whole damn round up.

    ps, holler at katherine mcphee for that hot black dress. smash blows, but she looked finee.

    Posted on Reply
  20. LOL says:

    bopping around at chuck e cheese. PERFECT.

    Posted on Reply
  21. betch says:

    BRILLIANT!!!!!!

    Posted on Reply
  22. Best Line says:

    Tina Fey: “Taylor Swift, you stay away from Michael J. Fox’s son.”

    So glad that all of Hollywood acknowledges what a joke Taylor Swift is.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Olivia says:

    I almost spit my diet coke all over my keyboard reading that about “Arnold and Rocky”

    Posted on Reply
  24. Your Name says:

    The christoph waltz comment was stupid, just because hes german doesn’t mean he plays the same role.

    Posted on Reply
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