So even though we are stateside once again, we took a nice tour de Eastern European countries. Between the Netherlandish and Polish accents we had a more serious cultural experience than when we went #3 abroad. Seriously though, why does everyone have foreign parents? Is that the way it works in America? Your parents are either foreign or midwestern hicks?
Chris
So on a scale of 1 to Polish, Chris is like reallyyyy Polish. The Poles are honored to have “Amelie" in their VERY humble home yet for some reason his dad sounds just like Officer Rhodes..."methinks me lad Christopher could fit his lucky carrot in yer bag!"
This Polish mariachi band.... Now I'm getting a Big Fat Greek Wedding vibe. Or perhaps Fiddler on the Roof...Anatevka..Anatevka..
Also, enough with the families telling the camera that you're afraid your son's heart will get broken. Just once I would like to see someone's bitter, angry brother be like "I would like to see Chris' heart get the shit kicked out of it. That'll teach him to stretch out my pants."
Apparently Chris was on some serious uppers for this hometown date, his weird head-bobbing and shoulder swaying is back in full swing, legiterally. Sorry Ems but Chris isn’t being open with his feelings, he just has a chemical imbalance.
Jef
So Jef brought us to Utah to meet his sister wives at the compound. Seriously where the fuck are Jef's parents? Is he like the Richie Rich of the compound? These people are doing so-called "charity" but aren't even generous enough to give their son a complete name. And what is with the amusement park in Jef's backyard? Who are all these kids? Is this Neverland ranch?
None of Jef's "siblings" look like they could possibly be related. Really enjoyed the dark low-lights on his sister's hair, very Teen Mom skunk. The brunette girl looked like a vampire. It was kind of like a picnic with the Cullens. Everyone looked eerily pale and was very attentive to everything Emily said.
"Jef has an edge" ...yeah like the corner of Sesame Street.
Emily WOULD take gun lessons. This is an excellent activity for little Ricki. Being able to shoot your potentially pedophiliac stepdad is a total must in the South.
I like how their date was on a glorified haystack under an umbrella WTF.
Jef wrote a little note, cute… did he use crayons and stickers? I HATE when they do the letter readings where they list the shallow obvious reasons why they think they love each other after spending but 24 total hours together and barely fucking know each other.
Arie
Arie and his dad share a passion for racing which we all secretly know is Arie's secret weapon for convincing his family that he's straight.
Arie's mom can't emote because of the botched Nordic botox job. She was creepily staring at Emily like "Ve can be twins, yah?" Not only that but she's giving me a Stifler's mom meets Kate Winslet in The Reader vibe. This bitch does not give a fuck how much he makes Emily laugh, she wants to make sure this bitch keeps her hands off her family racing money. "I know zat Arie is falling fo' you vecause I tortured him into telling me ze truth."
Arie's twin brothers are so obviously in the middle of puberty. They should go have lemonade with the Jef's.
Sean
It was sooo funny how he was like doing roll call with all the stuffed animals. "Oh, and here's Ted." I'm sure he blazes with Moo Moo 
all the time. For a second I thought I unfairly labeled Jef as the manchild.
Sean always seems to be like running or fast walking… this isn’t the Amazing Race, it’s a reality show dating competition with like fixed times and schedules for when you get your heart broken. Chasing after her and yelling out a half assed "Emily" and skipping down the street will not get you the fucking rose.
Rose Ceremony
The last 15 minutes are always so fucking annoying, like cut to the fucking chase and break some fucking hearts.
I think Ems either gets her rose ceremony couture from the costume closet of Miss Congeniality 2 Armed and Fabulous or from a pool of unicorn vomit.
Chris isn't even crying. He's got that Polish heart of stone!
I knew the hulk would come out halfway into the limo ride.
Pożegnanie, Chris. That means good bye in Polish.
jef’s parents’ “charity work” = their mormon missionary shit. even abc doesn’t want to be involved with that. good for them. mormons are batshit crazy.
Posted on — ReplyIgnorant much?
Posted on — ReplyChris was PISSED. I thought he was going to punch her in the face when they were sitting on that bench.
Posted on — ReplyIf you pay close attention you can see Chris giving Emily the middle finger through the sunroof as the limo was driving off hahaha…or at least it looked like he was!
Posted on — ReplyJef’s parents’ so called “charity work” is code for a mission trip. Mormons anyone?
Posted on — ReplyHow about how fabulous Chris looked when he was making out with Emily after his date and her pink lip gloss perfectly coated his lips as he professed his undying love for her. If you are going to look like an fierce in pink…make sure you look even more “awesome” by professing your love to somebody who is about to kick ya to the curb!!
Posted on — ReplyWhat about that awkward Dutch convo that Arie and his fam started to have right in front of Emily?
Posted on — Replythe recap is seriously lacking today. wtf betch.
Posted on — Replywtf is your damage
Posted on — ReplyI dont see you writing a better recap than the betches
fucking loser
yes i am very broken hearted about this recap, will you please do another one????
Posted on — ReplyYes, Jef’s family is Mormon and his parent’s are on a mission, so is his other sister. You didn’t get that clue when there were 10 siblings there and it was only half of the family? Or when the sisters and brothers were asking if she thinks that Jef and her have the same values (aka will you become Mormon when you two get married). I think that family is going to shit their pants when they see that Jef has been drinking beer during the entire filming of the show, he is getting kicked out of the crazy family anyway so it won’t matter if his parents like Emily or not.
On another note, Sean and his family were pretty hilarious with the joke playing. But if I were Emily I might actually want to see Sean’s real house, scary. And there was no mention of how awkward the kisses were between the two of them? UGH, I feel like it was two turtles making out.
Posted on — Replyjef’s family is mormon; he is openly not. so while i’m sure his family doesn’t condone his drinking, jef disaffiliated himself from the religion awhile ago. his drinking will not shock them. i’d go as far as to say that they probably know he drinks.
Posted on — Replyoh, and having been in an emily/jef situation before (dated a non-mormon bro who was from a devout mormon family), good luck to her if she ends up picking him, because she will need it. those people are hesitant (to put it politely) to accept anyone into their family who isn’t mormon or isn’t at least willing to “convert”. for example, bro’s mom constantly would cry because she was so worried that he would go to hell for dating a non-mormon, and told him that only mormon girls are capable of being good wives and mothers (she would do all of the above often and openly in front of me), and the rest of his family members were just as bad. needless to say i kicked him to the curb once i got to know them. so, godspeed emily. i’d stay far far away.
Posted on — Reply