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By The Betches on

Welcome to the lamest fantasy suite week ever with virgin Bachelor Sean. Ugh virgins, they get attached and they bleed. Haven't these people seen Girls?

Given this twist, why do we need to spend 30 minutes listening to Sean tell us shit about his time with the women that we ALREADY KNOW. And the reading of the fantasy suite cards, it's the same EVERY SEASON. ABC, get new verbiage. You know this show has gotten boring when I watch it live instead of recorded because I secretly look forward to commercial breaks. At least they change every week.

And finally, we got to say goodbye to little orphan AshLee, who looked more like a Thai hooker at the rose ceremony than the mother of Sean's future bionic blonde babies. Don't worry Ash, at least you left with a nice tan and the possibility of being the next Bachelorette.

Date with Lindsay

Sean: "I need more silly in my life. You're the bff that I've been looking for." I wanna prank you so hard right now.

What he likes about Lindsay is that she never seems to have a bad day...which doesn't sound so much normal as much as someone addicted to speed.

Lindsay wasn't even in the military, yet for some reason everything she says is related to the military.

"So we're at this Thai market, and I love how adventurous Sean is being. There are colorful chickens. This is nothing like the military."

Seriously Lindsay, if you tell them the one thing you refuse to do is eat a bug they're obviously going to make you eat a bug, or haven't you learned anything from the past 9 weeks and 27 seasons. I can't believe you're responsible for America's youth, even if it's just when real teachers are absent.

Any betch who read Caps for Sale or has been to Gibraltar knows that monkeys will steal your accessories at the first opportunity. Stay away Lindz.

A life with Lindsay is sort of similar to feeding these monkeys.

Date with AshLee

So Lindsay's theme was the army, AshLee's is abandonment.  Do you really think Sean is going to let you drown in the middle of Thailand like your birth parents probably would have? No, ABC would never allow that PR disaster.

"I don't take getting engaged lightly" says the contestant who was engaged at 17.

Ah the ABC metaphor team is back on their A-game: It's pitch dark and I can't see anything. But that's how life is. Sometimes you just black out.

Sean says he spent his twenties chasing his career? Isn't he like a fucking fitness model insurance agent? What the fuck is there to work on? I guess that goes well with AshLee's made up career.

AshLee chill with the ring measurements. I'm sure you included this information on your Bachelor application sheet.

"The perfect ending to this date would be to stay up all night talking, cuddling, maybe doing some origami." AshLee's voice makes me want to throw darts into her eyes.

Date with Catherine

Wouldn't it be awkward if he had her read the fantasy suite card and we found out she couldn't read that way.

Catherine describes Sean like a tenderloin: "Beefy and hunky"

Rose Ceremony & Shit

Ok really, OZ promo? I refuse to honor this with a joke.

Chris Harrison: "Just so you know, in case you forgot, this was the same week Emily ripped your fucking heart to shreds."

Ashlee giving the equivalent of Anne Hathaway's oscar speech. I love the directing cues on this shit: "Pan to Thai sculpture. Pan again to Sean looking out at ocean. Pan to canoe and rain drops."

Sean taking 5 years to break up with one of these girls. T-t-t-today junior.

I feel like Ashlee's gonna stab him with a salad fork on the way to the limo.

Sean's "reason" for letting AshLee go was, and I quote: "I thought it was you from the beginning. there was a lot of intensity there."

We'd like to give a shout out to AshLee for being stoic in the limo but then she got like too stoic and it was almost creepy. Not crying is obviously betchy but if you take it too far it borders on psychosis. She pulled some weird, hide-your-face-from-the-cameras shit in the car and it we realized she's kind of a crazy, walled off orphan.

The ending credits with Sean and Catherine doing multiplication tables together shows us what Sean thinks of an stimulating intellectual conversation: a girl that can multiply. Good to know that Sean and Catherine can come together to recreate the mental stimulation of a TI-83 Plus. That's right Cathy, Sean will definitely let you use his Texas Instrument.

Last week's reacap>>

15 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Dee says:

    Sean has just been using The Bachelor to complete every item on his bucket list.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Your Name says:

    not your best recap

    Posted on Reply
  3. Your Name says:

    this recap was horrible.

    Posted on Reply
  4. katie says:

    What’s with Ashlees face ? I feel like its so awkwardly shapped

    Posted on Reply
    • liz says:

      It’s her perfectly middle-parted hair.

      Posted on Reply
  5. Nicole says:

    I don’t know if it’s just me but AshLee sounds EXACTLY like Cece Drake on Pretty Little Liars.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Caroline says:

    Did you even watch this episode? Not on your game.

    Posted on Reply
  7. TeamCatherine says:

    Has anyone else noticed Lindsay’s voice? She sounds like a baby, not to mention the fact that when she was trying to say “i love you” she practically puked it halfway then regurgitated it then puked it out again. Like, I get that you work with kids..sometimes. But really can you please talk like a normal human being? Or LEARN to speak?

    Posted on Reply
  8. Kelcey says:

    “Sean taking 5 years to break up with one of these girls. T-t-t-today junior.”

    HAHA.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Your Name says:

    AshLee has so much to say about her “broken soul” and bullshit then nothing post breakup. Ash, maybe if you’d been like that before you would have beat out the nasal freak who thinks she’s in the military

    Posted on Reply
  10. willa says:

    all i could think about the second ashlee was given the boot was how there is a 107% chance she’s gonna go home and personally organize the FUCK out of her house.

    Posted on Reply
  11. caps says:

    Caps for Sale! Hahaha

    Posted on Reply
  12. Hailey says:

    this recap was the best
    shut up fat betches
    who liked AshLee’s pathetic story and Lindsay like talking about the military. Sweet little American girl with a dad as a soldier

    so thankful he’s saving us from terrorists , but whose going to save me from your annoying voice/personality

    Posted on Reply
  13. Hailey says:

    P.S. Ashlee you’re 32…you’re 32
    and Can someone get Lindsay an education? Every time she said I want you to know that I take this serious Sean, I could have punched her. It’s seriously.

    Posted on Reply
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