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By The Betches on

Sean continues his quest to visit the most miserable climates on earth and/or find a place where his sadistic hijinks might be considered funny, and so in this week's episode we find him and the girls heading to what appears to be the Arctic Circle. Throughout this episode It's impossible to tell what season of the year this is taking place, what time of day it is, why 30-minute activities take all day to complete, etc. As a skilled sadist, he's left us more disoriented than Sarah at a juggling competition.

AshLee on Tierra: "If she gets the one on one, I will throw up." It's obvious that AshLee hasn't yet read Nice Is Just a Place in France or she'd know that throwing up is not a threat but a strategy.

DATE WITH CATHERINE

Daniella, as confused as her colorist, STILL doesn't get a one-on-one date. Catherine, who for some reason is wearing her coat indoors, gets it instead. Did they not turn on the heat even inside the hotel? This is starting to feel like The Shining, and not because of Sean's red-face-glow. The date starts with Sean leaving Catherine out in the cold, after which he pulls up in an enormous snow bus so that Catherine can take something called "the blizzard test." After this the torture continues at an isolated ice castle so that Sean can find out whether Abu Ahmed is in fact Osama's courier...we mean, whether Catherine is his true love.

Catherine finally gets her chance to show Sean her serious side with a camp story. "At 12 years old I realized that things can be taken from you very quickly." We thought she was talking about her V-card, but no -- her friend got smashed by a tree. By the way, we also learned this lesson at summer camp when our hair dryer was stolen before the first big social, but this tree thing sounds kinda bad, too. Sean looks slightly nervous, mostly because he realizes he'll have to abandon his plan to chop a tree down on one of the girls as his next hysterical prank. Catherine kisses Sean, which seems a lot like kissing a tree, if trees occasionally tongued you awkwardly and then went back to being completely motionless and boring.

 

GROUP DATE

 

The torture continues with the polar bear plunge at the edge of Lake Louise, where we meet Lena Dunham's doppelganger, the lifeguard we'll call...Louise. The lake was apparently named after this monster who lurks in and around the water, but thankfully unlike Lena Dunham she seems intent on keeping her shirt on.

"Call me a princess, I don't care." - Selma, faithfully stating the Betches mantra after refusing to take the polar plunge. Sean promises Selma this is okay after Chris reminds him that America no longer has a policy of torturing Arabs without justification.

"No one's ever in my life made me want to do something for them." - Little Orphan AshLee who apparently doesn't think that being taken in by loving adoptive parents requires any gratitude.

Of course, Tierra almost dies in a Bachelor halftime performance that only Beyonce could match. Sean: "I think everyone's aware of hypothermia, so that's the first place my mind goes."  - as opposed to where, Sean, heat stroke? A peanut allergy? The girl just jumped in a 35 degree lake.

ONE ON ONE WITH DEZ

"I hope that after today Des has no more questions about where this relationship is going, or what we have in common, or where we are, or whether I'll ever let her get home alive. Enough with the pesky questions, Dez."

We love Des, but she's becoming totally incoherent:

Sean: What was getting to you?

Des: I honestly don't even know.

Des, five minutes later: I'm glad I was able to express why I was being the way I was in Montana.

She's also poor in a really gross way that involves like trailers and shit: "Money and nice things never mattered to me at all." No words to explain how offensive that kind of statement is to our community. She follows up with a disqualifying comment about growing up in a tent and falling in love in a teepee.

 

A FAREWELL TO ARM

 

More than a day before the Rose Ceremony, Sean sends Sarah home. Apparently he decided that while he wanted Sarah canoeing with one arm and diving into an ice cold lake, it would be "unfair" to make her wait another day to send her home. #southernhospitality. Sarah, going out on the limb, makes the unbetchy move of asking Sean what was wrong. Sean just says "I feel like we were reaching" #breakuplinesforgirlswithonearm

 

ROSE CEREMONY

 

Daniella already looked like a dental hygienist, so the smurf blue rose ceremony dress doesn't help. Either she gets a rose or Sean gets a toothbrush, but one of them is leaving tonight with a little swag.

Selma goes home after a cocktail party in which she gave Sean a kiss, inexplicably referred to her Arab mom as "mama." Daniella, like a betch after a blackout blow job, leaves just before Sean could memorize her name. Tierra lives to see another night.

BONUS

In the outtakes Sean admits to Lindsay that he peed in a desk as a four-year-old. "Kids are the best, like, what goes through their heads?" Since she has the mental capacity of a toddler, we think this was a rhetorical question, but Sean, slower than a glacier, answers: "I don't know I just thought it was a cool place to pee."

Monday's Part One recap>>

 

25 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. ya says:

    I lol for these. Who are we supposed to believe writes those date cards? Sean? Because if so, babe has damn good handwriting.

    Posted on Reply
  2. diva says:

    You forgot to mention the fact that Tierra is the biggest girl there and therefore the least prone to hypothermia

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      Couldn’t agree more. Doesn’t she know that a trainer is a mandatory pre-Bachelor necessity?

      Posted on Reply
    • duhh says:

      Dying. EXACTLY my thought.

      Posted on Reply
  3. Lindsay says:

    “Daniella, as confused as her colorist” -LOLOLOL SO TRUE. She’s cute and all, but you can tell she’s a MAXxionista.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Sooo says:

    Where they were in Montana is like 5 miles from where they were in Alberta. Wow, ABC.

    Posted on Reply
  5. red sharpie says:

    How in the world was there no mention in this recap of the recently-MIA ABC Metaphor Team that was clearly at work in this episode?!? It was sickening - 400 foot cliff AND ocd AshLee’s creepy blindfold? come on betches

    Posted on Reply
  6. A Farewell says:

    “A Farewell to Arm”...tried my hardest not to laugh, but i just had to.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Your Name says:

    “I feel like we were reaching” #breakuplinesforgirlswithonearm

    The best line I have ever read on this site.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Kael says:

    “As confused as her colorist” - LOLZ!!!  Worst hair ever.  That is a group of mostly great hair, so Daniella really stood out as having horrid hair!  And what’s with Tierrable managing to scarf down that burger while she was “frozen?”  Only girl ever to be shown eating in every single episode!

    Posted on Reply
    • Louise says:

      Seriously-I love how her “hypothermia” was cured by a fucking burger.  Fatass.  She’ll be whoring up Biggest Loser next the way she’s going.  I mean, I have literally never seen anyone on that show eat anything.  She must’ve been chowing down literally 24/7 if the producers couldn’t even cut around it.

      Posted on Reply
  9. KandiLyn says:

    does no one else notice AshLee’s huge long neck??

    Posted on Reply
  10. Louise says:

    umm yeah, Tierra is WAY too fucking fat to get hypothermia after 90 seconds in 35 degree weather.  Please.  and that dent in her head is definitely from the horn removal surgery.

    Posted on Reply
  11. omg says:

    Sean promises Selma this is okay after Chris reminds him that America no longer has a policy of torturing Arabs without justification
    literally the best thing ever
    well done betches, this is the best by far.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Truth says:

    I bet you that dent on Tierra’s forehead is from throwing herself down numerous flights of stairs to get the attention of dudes.

    Posted on Reply
  13. oh and says:

    also the casual YOLO that sean throws in during the polar bear plunge

    Posted on Reply
  14. HAHA says:

    Selma’s laugh after saying she wanted to push Leslie off the boat was more uncomfortable than watching Lindsay kiss Sean.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Addison says:

    Is not kissing bros the Arab equivalent for not fucking bros?

    Posted on Reply
  16. Kristen says:

    “I’m going to get hypothermia for a rose….and I’m okay with that!” .....like really, America?

    Posted on Reply
  17. ErikaBetch says:

    This episode was hilarious on who got sent home.
    - Sarah thinks she can canoe and do more tasks that are difficult for most two-armed people, then he sends her home when she could have just relaxed….I’m sure her arm was throbbing after all of that and she didn’t even get a break before being squished on an econ flight back home. Which was mainly due to her “opening up” about wanting to meet the fam….isnt that what a bachelorette should want???
    - Selma finally gives Sean a kiss because I mean, if sweet sarah can randomly go home, he’ll probs send me home without a kiss, so i must kiss him. Then she gets the “thanks btch thats all i wanted from you, now peace out you weather-intolerant fck” (Gets sent to desert “ugh Im like, from the desert wtf” then gets sent to snow “ugh im, like from the desert wtf”)
    - Danielle, she’s crying as if she actually had the chance to get to know him and connect. She’s lucky she made it as far as she did honestly. I still can’t believe sean couldnt find any excuse to get rid of her gently other than completely ignoring her then sending her home. At least when you get let down on the one-on-one you can take home some diamonds to ease the pain…I mean, it did take you weeks before you finally got the gifts you were on the show for in the first place.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Sarah says:

    When are you going to post last night’s episode!? I can’t wait to read it.

    Posted on Reply
  19. cathy says:

    cathy April 19, 2013 at 10:29 pm
    Some great information for you from the Berkshire Mountain Rang, I love giving my husband blow jobs. I learned a lot about giving blow jobs in college where I also learned about having my ass licked and fucked. As time went on and I found myself in the workplace I started giving blow jobs to men at my work place. I worked as an admin at a private school in Washington Depot, Connecticut and started having weekly end of day in the dark blow job sessions with a very nice good looking older school director, he loved the fact that I swallowed his entire huge load of cum without gagging! later on I was frequently asked to lunch by the director and school psychologist both where we would drink wine at the psychologist home and the director would wisk me off to the bedroom first cum in my mouth and then again in my vagina, then a quiet knocking would occur and sure enough it was the psychologist and he would end up doing the very same thing! Fun really started when I suggested that they double penetrate my vagina which they did with great pleasure for them and me, they also took turns fucking my mouth while the other fucked my vagina this went on at least twice a month for over two years. Forbidden fruit is so much sweeter and enhanced my relationship with my husband.

    Posted on Reply
    • ted says:

      cathy you recall the past love tryst with such accuracy

      Posted on Reply
  20. tom says:

    cathy I agree with Ted though his wife has mentioned his medical condition and thought you should know

    Posted on Reply
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