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By The Betches on

It would be pointless to start this recap with anything else other than the fact that they went to Montana and not only that, but it was, to quote, "the most beautiful place Sean has ever seen." And that's how we know he's poor. Seriously though...Montana!? Is ABC losing money? Or did their sponsor just change from Neil Lane to Caitlin's Way? This state hasn't gotten so much publicity since the Oregon Trail passed through.

In the beginning when Daniella was like "yay!! I'm going to Montana to see my boyfriend!" I immediately thought like, wait aren't they gonna kick her off f

or having a secret boyfriend in Montana but then I realized she means Sean. So clearly we're at the point where everyone calls him their boyfriend even though they chilled like two times.

DATE WITH LINDSAY

"This is my dream come true, holding hands with Sean in Montana"

What the fuck is an army brat?

Lindsay says she "doesn't even know how she got here." I'll tell you exactly how you got here. You signed up, and went through an intensive application process. They must not teach you that in substitute teacher school. Substitute teachers are glorified babysitters.

Obviously the entire town of White Fish is here to see Sean and Lindsay dance slowly and awkwardly. This is probably the most publicity any city in the history of Montana has gotten.

Sean describing his relationship with Lindsay like it's PB & J. Lindsay's the peanut butter and I'm the bread and my dick is the jelly.

GROUP DATE

What's with all the fucking flannel? Are lumberjacks known to be privy to canoeing?

"Whichever girl can fill the jar with goat milk to the predetermined line 

the fastest, she will be my wife."

"I don't think having one arm's gonna hold me back today" - Sarah

Chris B Harrison narrated this race like it's the fucking Super Bowl. The red team slowing down and the blue team doing worse wood sawing than a tampon commercial. Talk about an epic match of red vs. blue.

"Maybe my wife is on the blue team!" More romantic words have never been spoken.

Then the girls get so pissed about the blue team coming back. Desiree's like "Oh hell no I did not down goat's milk for this." And Sarah's like "What the hell? I gave an arm and a leg for this team."

When Selma gets angry…Selma goes after the infidels.

How to win a rose on a group date: act insecure and cry. Sean will literally give a rose to anyone who cries. He's gonna make the biggest pussy dad.

TIERRA & THE TWO-ON-ONE DATE

What is this weird line in your forehead? What are you writing down? Confessions of a call girl? A very sad handwritten book?

"I need to see the guy I'm dating. I came all the way to Montana to spend time with you!" Okay Tierra this trip was both mandatory and free.

She reminds me of Isla Fischer in Wedding Crashers. "Don't ever leave me. 'Cause I'll find you!"

Tierra pulls the last minute hail Mary with this 'my ex boyfriend was a junkie and now he's dead' card. And Sean proves that he is a dumb southern idiot by picking crazy cakes Tierra who is basically a less hot version of Courtney.

ROSE CEREMONY

Sean: Desiree is confused which makes me confused about our confusion. We're in a weird place.

"If I want to get engaged I can easily go get engaged." Jesus Tierra it's not like picking a nail color.

SEAN IS SO FUCKING DUMB. "If I don't know something Tierra's done that affects me directly then someone should say something." Um hello Sean did you not just speak with Jackie like 2 hours ago and she told you exact details of Tierra being a backstabbing bitch?

Robyn Hood...OUT.

20 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anon says:

    Literally just spit out my (nonfat) latte at ‘a very sad handwritten book.’ Excellent Bridesmaids reference.

    Posted on Reply
    • fucking duh says:

      bridesmaids? that was pitch perfect obvi.

      Posted on Reply
  2. Bridesmaids says:

    Love the bridesmaids reference. Y’all were on point this week.

    Posted on Reply
  3. Bachelor Betch says:

    Easily the best Bachelor recap this season.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Montana says:

    Big Sky and The Yellowstone Club. Obviously you don’t ski.

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      Are you joking? It’s called Vail, Aspen, and Beaver Creek. Obviously you don’t know what skiing is.

      Posted on Reply
  5. ymous says:

    Hopefully you actually are aware of what an army brat is…but “Robyn Hood out,” is fantastic. Just wish you betches would have included something about her “Bad Girls Club” references

    Posted on Reply
    • ashley says:

      i totally agree, the im about to turn this into the bad girls club was hilarious…and of course it comes from the black girl haha

      Posted on Reply
  6. Caitlin says:

    I loved the Caitlin’s Way reference, way to bring my back to the 90s

    Posted on Reply
  7. Taryn says:

    There’s another episode tonight where they go to some semi-frozen lake, maybe Tierra will freeze and ask that Sean thaw her out?

    Posted on Reply
  8. Pretty dumb says:

    Unless canoes are telling lumberjacks secrets, I’m pretty sure you meant prone to canoeing.

    Posted on Reply
  9. lori says:

    New name: Tear-a….works every time…

    Posted on Reply
  10. Kristen says:

    Tierra is also confused about the difference between “pity” and “petty”.....

    Posted on Reply
    • courtney says:

      i was wondering if someone was going to catch that. i feel as if lesley did but didn’t want to throw her AP classes in tierra’s face.

      Posted on Reply
  11. unreadable says:

    its evident a new era of betches have taken over this site and the comments. way to loose your base.

    Posted on Reply
  12. TierraIsCray says:

    You guys…....was everyone screaming at their TV when he kept this crazy ass bitch during the rose ceremony?!?!?! She is INSANE

    Posted on Reply
  13. SizeDoesMatter says:

    Is it just me or have the Bach re-caps gotten significantly shorter? I feel like we barely touch on some of the great moments of rejection and secondhand embarrassment that this season is choc-full-of. For instance, in this episode, how bout Jackie claiming “she doesn’t want to be the girl that spends her time talking about other girls and stirring up drama” and then does, and proceeds to get eliminated like every other idiot girl that wastes time talking sh*t? Or when Tierra sneaks out the night before and awkwardly plays the guess who game during his one on one filming? Or the fact Jackie got an old rickety horse leaving Tierra to look like a modern day equestrian? Or Chris Harrison’s super creepy poem he awkwardly inserted with the two-on-one date card? I want more coverage betches! Take me back to the old days of Ben’s season where I got short stories for my Tuesday lunch hour!

    Posted on Reply
    • ^^^ says:

      Thank you for adding all of that in. Those were key moments that I loved…especially the “I’m about to talk sht but I dont wanna be the girl that talks sht”

      I couldn’t help but laugh at Tierra’s final confessional. “I think I may have actually felt bad even though I’ve been talking her down this whole time…oh well” *laughs like a witch*

      Posted on Reply
  14. sratcitybitch says:

    Excellent recap!!! So many spot on references

    Posted on Reply
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